Groups

Recently I have been thinking of something. That something is "mom groups". There are so many different kids of mom groups out there. The main one being the regular old "Mommy Club". To those women who are moms. I associate it as not just a human mom, but also to our fur children. Then, there are the moms of different age groups (infants, toddlers, pre-teens, teens, etc). Next are the working moms and the stay-at-home moms. Moms of premies, different disabilities, dog moms, cat moms, etc, etc. I have always imagined myself in there somewhere. Right now, I am the working, toddler, dog mom. Not only that, but the cancer mom. A group I never thought I would be a part of.

"Cancer Mom". "Mom With Cancer". "New Mom With Cancer". "Working Mom to A Toddler While Fighting Cancer". Really, there could be any name to give it. It doesn't change. I personally like one that some friends have given me. Even some women in the same shoes as me have given me. "Warrior Mom". Basically, summing up the fact that I am a mom fighting, no wait, KICKING, cancers butt who happen to be doing it since I was pregnant and undergoing chemotherapy treatments and a transplant while having a newborn and even toddler.

It's not easy to be a mom. A new mom. Especially for the first time when you are almost 40. There's a lot of sleepless nights. Or very little sleep nights. There's trying to keep your cool while you baby is screaming because they are in pain from teething and you are going on about 3 or 4 hours of sleep. Endless days where you don't see another adult other than your husband. Wishing for a nice soak in the bathtub for a little "me time" only to have it interrupted because your baby will only calm down and go to sleep in moms arms. Really because they need the boob for comfort to sleep on. Then, add in cancer. Cancer doesn't care if you are a new mom, or a mom to be. Cancer comes and shows it's ugly head when it feels like it. Cancer is a bitch like that. When all you want and plan on for your mom life is to watch your child grow with no interruptions, cancer comes in and says "Hey, screw your plans, I'm the speed bump in your life now."

I hate cancer. I'm a planner and cancer has been a bitch in my planning life. When I heard those words over a year ago while 28 weeks pregnant that I have cancer, I was;t just sad and upset, I was pissed. How was I going to be able to bond with other moms? How was I going to be able to have other moms that could sympathize with me and what I'm going through. The chemo treatments, the sick days from chemo treatments. The pain your body goes through as the cancer is trying to take over. Having to take what seems like hundreds of pills everyday, sometimes twice a day. Where would I find another mom, new mom, who would understand what I was going through. I searched Facebook. I didn't find any groups for Moms With Cancer. There are regular mommy groups, but no moms with cancer groups. I had an in person group at my hospital. But you could imagine how small it was. There were only 3 of us. Unfortunately, because cancer is a bitch, I only got to meet one of the other 2 moms and kind of bond with her. A very sweet young lady. Only to come back from my transplant to find that the bitch cancer took her from this planet. From her little boy who is the same age as Brandon. The biggest fear I have for me, happened to her. To her little boy. I know he has his extended family. aunts and uncles and great aunts and great uncles to tell him what a wonderful mother he had and how amazing she was, but it's not the same as her being there. The bitch took her from her little boy.

Recently I posted in one of the other mom groups asking how working moms do it. It's been tough for me to go back to work and leave Brandon at home. I know he's in great hands right now, but it's been hard because I loved being home with him. But, I have to go back to work. I gave a brief detail of what I am dealing with and from that I found 2 other women I have started to bond with who also have fought cancer. Who are Warriors in my eyes. They both have young kids and both are fighting cancer. They understood how I was so exhausted at the end of the day. I personally think more so now than before I had Brandon. My first week back I was not only exhausted, but my whole body ached. It ached so much I could barely pick Brandon up. But that is one thing I will never let happen. Cancer will not keep me from picking up my own child. With these two women, I felt a weight lifted. I felt like somebody got me. All of me. Another mom understood where I was coming from and what I was feeling. Moms who when I have one of those days where I feel like the bitch cancer is trying to defeat me, they are there to help me know I am stronger than it and that if they can do it, so can I. I have other mom friends who can say that too. Don't get me wrong, but there are times where I feel like I need that other mom who is also fighting or has fought cancer to really understand how I feel.

I am a mom with cancer, and my cancer will never fully go away. There is no cure, just treatment. So for me, I will always have that fear in the back of my head of "what if". What if my cancer comes back stronger than ever and I can't fight it? What if my cancer comes back and decides this is it, and takes me? I have sleepless nights thinking of that at times. My biggest fear is leaving Brandon without his mommy. And all because of that bitch cancer. I need those moms that understand my fears. That have the same fears as I do.

Because of cancer, I am seeking out other moms like me. We need each other. It's not easy. This mom thing. But we do it because it's what we wanted and we love our littles to the ends of the earth. So much innocence in such a little person. Who will eventually grow to not be so innocent and get in trouble. We love to watch them grow and learn. And for us moms with cancer, we don't know how much of that we will be able to see. For the other "Warrior Moms" out there, I get you! We are a part of a club we never wanted to and don't want to be a part of. But let's fight. Let's fight like we never fought before for our baby's, toddlers, pre-teens, teens, etc. They deserve for us to band together and fight to be there for them.