Slow Down

I've realized something recently. I will never be where I used to be.

Before my cancer diagnosis I worked out 5-6 days a week. I could run errands all day and not be exhausted. I could not only run errands all day on my weekends but I could still go to work and not feel like my body was going to shut down. Before my cancer diagnosis I could chase my nephew and niece around and keep up with them.

With my cancer diagnosis I had to slow down. I didn't work out like I used to. I would walk 3 days a week instead of my regular rigorous 5-6 day a week workouts. Walking has become enough for me. Of course, I was nearing the end of my pregnancy when my diagnosis came about. I had 12 weeks to go. I was getting bigger and slowing down anyways. But not to the level I had to with the diagnosis.

There is a difference between pregnancy slow down and cancer slow down. With pregnancy, it's because you are getting bigger and you are pumping blood and energy for two. With cancer, it's because you have a low immune system and that makes you have less energy. Put the pregnancy slow down and the cancer slow down together and you can see that I sat and rested a lot there in the last few weeks before Brandon was born.

After I had Brandon, some energy came back. But then I started chemo 5 weeks after I gave birth. Chemo involved slowed me down more again. There was one day a week I would be down and out for the count because I got sick. It was usually 3 days after my chemo treatment. Put that in with taking care of a baby, and that makes things really hard. I was exhausted. I am exhausted. Especially with a toddler running around.

This last week Eric and I have been lucky to have most evenings together to run errands and spend time together. We've done a lot in the few days. Really it was Tuesday and Thursday. We were going to run errands on Wednesday but I was too tired from Tuesday. So tired that while at work I was dragging on Wednesday. To the point I could barely walk to the printer. Not only was that going on, but my whole body ached. We resumed running errands on Thursday evening. And, when we got home, I was back to being so exhausted I could barely help with nighttime routine for Brandon. But I still did it. When I finally got myself to bed, I was done. I couldn't fall asleep right away, but I sunk into our bed with no problem.

I'm not complaining. I have a wonderful VERY helpful husband who makes me slow down when he see's I'm having issues and a healthy, amazing, confident little boy who I couldn't imagine being there for. That is why I push myself. That's the moral of the story. Cancer slows me down. I thought after my transplant I would bounce back to my old normal self, but I didn't. So, I have to deal with that and not push myself too hard. Save myself for Brandon and Eric. They are my main priority.