Mommy Has Cancer

Ever since Wednesday, August 19, 2015 I have had these thoughts, these questions to myself, going through my brain. Those questions being "How will I tell Brandon I have cancer?". "When do I tell him I have cancer?" "How will I know when it's time to tell him his mommy has cancer and he helped find it?"

Here it is, almost two years later and I still do not know the answers to those questions. I know now isn't the time. Brandon is much too young to understand it. He knows and comprehends food, play, toys, bedtime, bath, etc. Simple things. But, it doesn't mean I don't think about those questions.

I imagine the way we will tell him is when he starts to ask why mommy has to take so many pills. Or, why mommy always goes to the doctor. Or even why mommy has to be careful about what she does. Why mommy sometimes can't carry him and why her back hurts her so much. I imagine that Eric and I will sit Brandon down. We will probably start by saying something like "Mommy takes all those pills because she is sick." Of course, he will think it's because I have a tummy ache or a cough or something like that. How we explain further is beyond me.

As it is, when I take my medicine I see him. He watches me. He points to my little bowl on the counter and makes his sound "Ehh?" A question. It's like he's asking me what they are already. Then, there's the times when he just wants me to stand up and hold him. Walking around the living room and kitchen or outside while he points and makes the sounds like he's asking questions about everything. Or pointing at pictures on the walls as if to say it's mommy and daddy in the pictures. But I can't stay holding him while standing for long periods of times sometimes. I have to sit and then he throws a small tantrum. Eventually he calms down. There's also those times when he wants me to chase him around the house. But I can only do it for so long before I have to sit and relax.

My cancer has eaten away at my spine. At a few of my vertebra. That is what makes it so hard to hold Brandon for long periods of time. I hate that my cancer has done that. It's taken away my ability to carry my son for long periods of time. I do what I can. Sometimes I push myself too far. Too much. But I don't want Brandon to feel like I am neglecting him. That I don't love him. Being young, he doesn't understand what it is I am going through. But I know that I give him all the attention I can with all my free time. I know he feels loved and knows he is loved because of the way he looks at me. Because of the way he gives me hugs. The way he blows me kisses when I leave for work.

I imagine in 5-10 years Eric and I will be sitting down to answer, to the best we can, all of Brandon's questions. Hopefully I will still be in remission and we won't have to be going to the doctor so much. I know I will be taking certain pills for the rest of my life. So he will have those questions. I guess I have years to figure out what to tell Brandon. To figure out how we will approach what he asks us. But it doesn't mean I won't keep wondering how we will tell him mommy has cancer.