New Normal

Eric and I were talking recently. Well, we always do, but this was about recent events. We've realized we have another new normal. Mainly me. I mainly have a new normal.It started back in June. I thought it was just a one time thing, but it kept happening. And still does. It's not predictable either. What is it you may ask? It's me not feeling well. It is me being nauseous out of the blue. It is me having more days than not where I feel horrible and crappy. My treatment, after not making me sick at all for two years, is now making me sick on random days.

My first five months of chemo treatment I would get sick three days after treatment and that was all. It was ONLY in the morning and would last half a day. But, that wasn't from this chemo treatment. It was from the pill form of chemo I took for those five months. Now, I can't predict any of it. And honestly, it's frustrating me to no end. I hate it. I especially hate it when I am feeling great and playing with Brandon and then it hits me. I get hot and then weak. I get nauseous and extremely tired.  I feel like I have been hit by a Mac truck.

An example is today. I had treatment yesterday and I felt honestly amazing all day. This morning I woke up and felt fine. Tired, but I felt good. After dropping Brandon off at day care I came home and it was on my way home that it started to hit me. I started to feel weak. I started to feel even more exhausted. I started to feel nauseous. My first thought was that I was hungry (which I was) and just needed coffee. Once home, I got breakfast, including coffee. It took me a while, but I ate it and finished my coffee and got my daily medicine in. I waiting a little while and I was still not feeling well. Drained.

I felt drained. Like everything I had was coming out of me and I just couldn't do anything. So, I played down on the couch and decided to try to rest it away. I decided to try to rest my way to feeling better. Five hours later I was finally feeling better. Well, enough to take a shower and make myself look better than the disheveled over spent mother and woman and cancer slayer that I am. Before the shower I got the idea for this post and started to write it down. Why? I didn't want to forget it.

Lately, other than the sickness I get randomly, I have had major chemo brain. So bad that if I don't write it down or do what I want to do right away, I will forget it. Within minutes. I lose my train of thought at times because of it. I think as the chemo seeps though my body more, the more I get chemo brain. Then you add on to that mom brain. I have a double whammy there. I have eight more months at least of my maintenance chemo. I hope that that is all I have. And for a long time. I hope that I will not need chemotherapy for many years to come when I am done with this maintenance portion. Then maybe, just maybe, I will get back to my old self. To the not so forgetful woman I used to be. Maybe then I will be able to be a regular "normal" mom for Brandon. I know for a fact that I will not be sick as much. Well, I hope I won't be as sick.

So, here's to attempting to just deal, for the next eight months, with these side affects and then get on with a regular new normal life. Get on to a life where I'm not always sick and can give Brandon a regular life away from so many doctors appointments. That's what I want. I want a normal life again.