I know nobody wishes they got cancer. Most people I know wish there was a cure already for all cancers and even some post those pictures or saying that say "I wish cancer got cancer and died". Believe me, I've reposted things like that on social media before. Before I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma I posted those kind of things a lot. because I have been the family member or friend who was on the other side. Not really knowing or understanding, but supporting. Doing what I could to be there for them. The most recent was 5 years ago when my really good friend, a best friend, Kristy was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I cried, laughed and talked with her from over 400 miles away. It was what I could do. It is what she's done for me.
I will be honest. There is no history of cancer in my family on either side that we all know of. So, when I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, it came as a huge shock. Especially since I was 28 weeks pregnant. I cried myself to sleep a lot in the few weeks after my diagnosis. Eric and I tried a few times to get pregnant. I know not as many as many couples, but for my older age, it was a lot to me. The first miscarried at 6 weeks. The second, at 12, almost 13 weeks. So, for my pregnancy, I was already scared every day. Every check up. It was a tough thing to try to feel so happy and excited. To show the happiness and excitement. But deep down, feeling so scared every day. Each check up I could breath a little easier once I heard that heartbeat or saw that cute little body on the screen. The thing that made me uneasy also was the high protein levels in my urine each visit starting around 19 or 20 weeks along. At least I knew I didn't have preeclampsia since my blood pressure was low.
At my check up around 27 weeks, my doctor got on the phone right away to talk to a Nephrologist. A kidney doctor. I remember that appointment well because my mother in law came to this appointment also. The first time she came to one. I'm not sure how she felt when my doctor started to talk about the protein levels and called the Nephrologist, but I do know I was nervous. Because I had been so scared through the whole pregnancy about losing it. Luckily, I got in that same day to see the Nephrologist. We talked a little about what was going on and she ordered some more labs for me to do. She told me they may take about a week or so to come back, but she would let me know what she found. So, labs were done and the wait began. Everything kept coming back normal until the last test. The test that made her refer me to a Hematologist, or an Oncologist. At 28 weeks pregnant I was diagnosed.
Now, after the shock. The crying myself to sleep at night. The walking and sitting around like a zombie almost, was over, I thought to myself, how do I tell my son his mommy has cancer. It's not like he was old enough to sit down and talk to him about it. To tell him mommy has a boo boo that is making her sick. He wasn't born yet. And once he was here, I still wouldn't be able to do that. It'll be years before I can. He is 8 1/2 months old now. Corrected age, since I had him five weeks early, is 7 months. He doesn't know why we have so many doctors appointments we go to. Why a lot of his "family" are the Oncology nurses and my Oncologist. He doesn't know why mommy has no hair. Why sometimes she feels so sick and weak she can barely hold him. Why she has these, to him, awesome tubes coming out of her chest that look like something to yank and play with. He doesn't know any of that. But, he is a happy healthy baby anyway.
Trying to go through cancer treatments while having an infant is really hard. There is no manual on how to do it. Nobody can tell you how to get through it all. I didn't start my chemotherapy until five weeks after he was born. Then, I was on a 28 day cycle. I did 6 of them before going in to start my stem cell transplant process. The first couple of weeks I would get sick three days after. That was tough to try to feed, change and take care of him and the dogs while my husband was at work while feeling so under the weather I thought he was going to be neglected. Eventually, we got on a rhythm and my husband ended up staying home on those days. Which helped out a lot. Once we realized that I would get sick in the mornings and by about noon or 1:00pm I would be fine, he went back to work but in the evenings on that day.
The hardest part of my treatment has been my stem cell transplant process. When it started, I got my catheter put in. You know, the awesome tubes coming from my chest that he thinks are play toys. Then, I had a full day of chemotherapy that wiped me out. Which meant I could have our mommy and son time we usually have. That's when I started to not be able to change his diapers and be around his spit up. It was tough because without help, everything was on my husband. We finally got some help, and then I was back to being able to change some diapers again because my stem cells had been extracted. A few weeks later, we were back at that same routine. The routine we are in now and still have 85 days left of. I started two more chemotherapy days which really wiped me out. This time more than the last. It was the start of the horrible week long, seven day, stay in the hospital. Where I had to be away from my son. I had a fever, was sick and really weak. I think I was the weakest I have ever been. I know it was harder for me than him to be away from him for that long. And, especially at night. But, I am back with him now and I know I personally sleep better than I did for those seven days.
Right now, all of this definitely hurts me more than him. I get emotional over some things. Okay, a lot of things. I fell like he hasn't been able to have a normal babyhood yet. It's all doctors appointments as I've said before. But, we do try to throw in some fun every now and then. One thing that does keep me positive through all of this, is knowing he did save my life. He was warning us early on there was something wrong. Not with him. But with me. Slowly it crept in and my doctor got the right tests done to find it. Once he is old enough, we will sit him down and tell him what happened. We will tell him how he saved his mommy's life. How he may not have had an "normal" early months, but we made the best of it.
Being a mommy with cancer to an infant is not east. I said it already. I will say it again. I will keep saying it. No matter how strong you think you are, you are never ready for what cancer, cancer treatment and having to take care of an infant can do to you. They say parenthood the more exhausting time of your life. Then, add in cancer and treatment. I've never felt this exhaustion. And I don't think I ever will again. But honestly, I can't say I would change it for anything. Well, maybe I wouldn't be diagnosed with cancer. But, nobody can say never to that one. You just never know if or when your time is. And, if it does come to you, just be positive and work your way through it. Positivity, my husband and especially my sons faces have been what's gotten be through it all. Not to mention the support from family and friends. You really do find out who truly cares for you when you are diagnosed with cancer. Then add having a new infant and you have more support.
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