Christmas

This was my second Christmas living with Multiple Myeloma. Last year was full of uncertainties. We really didn't know anything other than that my chemotherapy treatments were working. Last year was our first Christmas as a family of three (five when you count the dogs). As scared as I was for the future with the unknown, I was excited for the new adventure with this little man we fell in love with before we even met him. This Christmas Brandon was a lot more active. He still wasn't sure what to make of everything but was excited to get some of his gifts. I'm sure he was least excited about the clothes. I also think he was a little overwhelmed over all of the gifts. Not being sure what to make of them all and how to open them all. Next week we may have an idea of starting to open them a few days before Christmas. Make it less overwhelming.

This Christmas was a little easier on me. I know a little more about my cancer. I have had my stem cell transplant and am doing well. So well, my doctors are very happy with my results and I don't have to see my Stanford doctor for six months. I still see my Kaiser doctor ever two months or so, but I am on chemotherapy still with him. Don't get me wrong, I am still scared. My cancer can decide tomorrow that it doesn't like the chemo I am on and decide to show it's ugly head again. That's the thing about Multiple Myeloma. It can become so used to a drug, it can mutate to make that drug not work. Which would mean I would have to try a different chemo drug. Luckily, that's not happening right now.

Having this cancer makes me appreciate things a little bit more. Because of Multiple Myeloma, I know that tomorrow is not guaranteed. I can get sick and an infection and if I don't get the right help right away, it can take me away from everybody I love. I hate to admit it, but I always have that thought in the back of my head. It never goes away. Lately, hearing of a few people in my online support groups passing because they got sepsis or something from getting sick has been hard. Then, there is my friend Maggie. I haven't met her in person, but we have a friendship that started on Instagram. She had her transplant over a year ago and six months later MM decided to come back. But, she is fighting hard and is on a new chemo treatment that from what I know, is working. She will hopefully only have a few more cycles.

One thing that keeps me going is thinking positive. I do have negative thoughts too. It happens in the fight against cancer. But, I believe having a positive attitude most of the time and an "I will fight" motto helps. I believe it helped my friend Kristy with her fight against breast cancer and I believe it is what is helping me keep going with my fight against MM. One thing I say also is, "I have cancer, cancer doesn't have me". The other thing that helps me get through the day to day is the amazing support from my family and friends. I may not say it enough, but I am thankful for each and every one of you. Just asking how I am doing or feeling helps. It shows you care. There was once a time I didn't think I had many friends. I know I have my few close friends, but then MM hit and I found who my true friends are and who cares. You all came out of the dark of our everyday hustle and bustle lives and helped in your own little way. Calls, texts, letters, e-mails, etc. Everything has helped me in my fight. My ongoing fight.

I joke that I never do anything half assed. So, leave it to me to get a cancer that has no cure. That's mainly/usually in elderly black males 60 and older. That eats away at your bones making it harder for me to do the things I love. And all while pregnant. Of course I couldn't have a regular "normal" pregnancy. Especially after having two miscarriages. I just wish I could catch a break sometimes. Let me have a regular life. Free of having to take medication everyday. Free of the pain (I have arthritis like pain throughout all my joints now). Free of having the fear that MM will strike and show it's ugly head again and I will have to undergo rigorous chemo again and possibly another transplant. It's not uncommon for that to happen.

So, this Christmas I have reflected on what I've been through over the last year. I am thankful for everybody in my life. Everybody who has been there through the treatments. Through the transplant. Through the ups and downs. Cancer is no fun. I wish there was a cure for ALL cancers. I wish there was NO cancer. But, there is. And all we can do it fight!