Because of Multiple Myeloma

Recently I have been doing a lot of thinking. Unfortunately, it's negative or sad thinking. About things that Multiple Myeloma has taken from me. The biggest one is something that women would understand more than men. This one is the ability to carry a baby.

I've bee thinking about it more lately because I have friends announcing their pregnancy with their first and another friend who has a daughter announced her second. Not that we were going to have another baby, but Multiple Myeloma has ripped any chance or possibility of that away from me.

Multiple Myeloma ripped child barring away from me. It was a reason why we had Brandon five weeks early by c-section. And, since I was already going to be open and I would be living with this cancer for the rest of my life while being on chemotherapy off and on, we decided to go ahead and have my tubes tied. I was already cut open. It would only take about two more minutes. So we opted to have my tubes tied. Instead of having Eric go in eventually have a vasectomy. The difference, the woman tubes being tied is not reversible. At the time I was ok with it. I am still ok with it, but part of me wishes I still had the option to have a second. Even if we weren't going to.

Because of Multiple Myeloma I have been undergoing chemotherapy for just over a year now. Because of that, my body is not a good place to bare a child. I have chemicals running through my blood now. Because of Multiple Myeloma, my body is toxic.

Because of Multiple Myeloma, in order to give me a longer life with Eric, Brandon and the rest of my family and friends I had a stem cell transplant. I didn't know this until the transplant process started back in May, but the transplant has put me into early menopause. I was 37 when I started menopause due to my stem cell transplant. Because of Multiple Myeloma, my body has shut down all capabilities of baring a child again. Even if I never had my tubes tied, because of Multiple Myeloma my body has shut down all reproductive capabilities.

Because of Multiple Myeloma I am sad and upset. Because Multiple Myeloma, I sometimes am depressed and feel less of a woman. I still consider myself young and Multiple Myeloma has taken away the one thing that makes a woman feel like a woman. I should be happy that I no longer have a menstrual cycle. I no longer bleed once a month. I am, but I am also sad that there is no chance ever of me carrying another child. Even if it wasn't for me and I was to be a surrogate for somebody who is not able to carry a baby, there is no chance that I can do that. Because of Multiple Myeloma, I have chemicals running through my body and my reproductive system has shut down. Because of Multiple Myeloma, I feel less of a woman. Because of Multiple Myeloma, I am no longer whole.

Because of Multiple Myeloma...I am depressed, but hide it.