I'll tell you, it was really good to get home on Friday night. All three of us needed it. For one, just to get to what we know and two, we needed to get out of the car and off the road. That was a long drive home. It was Friday and it was a bit rainy. Plus, Bay Area traffic is horrible. I hate to say it, but it is. I would rather drive in Los Angeles traffic. But, we made it home. The next time we hope we can leave at a different time of day (earlier) and NOT on a Friday.
Since being home, I have really seen the limitations I have. The biggest thing has been helping out around the house. Especially with taking care of Brandon or the dogs. I can feed Brandon, but somebody has had to hand him to me. The reason for this is because I need my Hickman line to heal. It's still really tender and sensitive. The other thing is, I can't change his diapers. Thats a big thing. Plus, I can't sleep in the same bed as Brandon. That makes me sad because I have gotten so used to it. So, I have been sleeping in another room and I'm not getting that great of sleep. I don't have Eric or Brandon. It makes me sad.
Another thing I can't really do is go outside. Well, I can, but I have to wear that awesome special hepa mask I have anytime I go outside. People need sunlight. And, with yesterday and Saturday being rainy days, there wasn't much of it. It's crazy how fast the feel of depression can come on too when you can't get outside like normal. And, being inside, not doing much, makes me lazy and sleepy.
Yesterday, Eric and I did go to Kaiser to pick up a prescription of mine. I had to go in to Urgent Care to get the paper version because it's a controlled substance. It's my pain medicine for my back. While I was checking in, an elderly man came out pushing his, what I assume to be, his wife in a wheelchair. He stops, looks at me and says "Wow, it must be an early Halloween or something." He probably meant for it to be funny, but personally, when you see somebody at a hospital wearing something different, you really shouldn't say anything. It's rude. When I heard him say it I just turned and gave him a look and turned back. Had I said anything to him, I'm sure he wouldn't be able to hear me. I mean, my self esteem is already down having to wear it when outside, and to have somebody say something hurts that much more. I could be a little more sensitive right now, but that's beside the point.
The other thing I have found that's happening the last few days is I feel really weak. Physically weak. I get out of breath faster going up the stairs. My body doesn't want to hold on to things very long. And I feel like I can't get out of bed as fast as usual. I've been told it is normal. But I don't like this normal. It makes me feel helpless.
I appreciate everything that Eric and some friends have done for me also. Eric and I never thought that all of this would be this emotionally and physically overwhelming. Especially for him. He likes to have his alone time every now and then. Everybody does really. But, he has to be a caregiver for 2 people and 2 dogs right now. On top of working. It's wearing him out. I'm trying not to have him do too much for me. It's getting better though too. At least after today, I can help with at least picking Brandon up. I still won't be able to change his diapers until after they take my stem cells out next week. That's when all precautions stop until I have my transplant in June.
After all of this is done, I want to do something special for Eric. He really deserves it. He is an amazing father and husband. He really takes care of us. He deserves a little of time to himself. Sleeping in, relaxing, whatever he wants. I know he mentioned that he wanted to do more for me yesterday for Mother's Day. I told him that all of this is in the middle of my cancer treatment and when it's all over, we should do a day of Mother's & Father's Day together. A mini one day vacation. Because honestly, none of this has been a vacation. Far from it. And I don't remember the last time we had a real vacation. Probably our pre wedding familymoon to Disneyland. We need a vacation.
Well, it's after 11am. I should get moving again and get Eric up. I am sure he was up a lot of the night with Brandon. We tried to get him on a schedule last night, but other things on in the way. Thank you for reading and letting me vent at times.
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