Eric - My Husband, My Best Friend

4th of July 2016

February 15, 2011. That's the day I met Eric in person. For a few days before our first date we talked and got to know each other through e-mails and 3 hour conversations on the phone. Usually, when I would meet a guy for the first time, I am very shy and it takes me a while to warm up to them. With Eric it was different. We talked all through dinner. We knew the waiter was just doing his job with asking if we needed anything else and how we were doing, but we were bothered with all the interruptions. I won't bore you with all the same details over again from earlier in my posts, but basically, we didn't want to part.

Flash forward a few months and we almost broke up. Because I was going kind of crazy. I had mood swings up the wazoo. All from my birth control I was on, Depo Provera. I begged and fought and pleaded with Eric to give me another chance (since I was switching birth controls) and he gave in. It definitely helped. Changing birth controls that is. My mood swings changed and really were almost non existent. A few months later Eric moved in with me. I think it was the best thing since it helped up get to know each other even better and it proved we loved each other even more. We had small "fights" like any couple would, but we got into a groove and things went smoothly. We loved being around each other and spending time together. It made it easier with our different schedules too.

Love

Christmas of 2012 we talked and decided we wanted to get married. We made it official (engagement) that January and were married August 2, 2013. We had a familymoon before the wedding with his 3 boys and the rest of our families at Disneyland and California Adventure. Although, after the wedding we took small day trips to Lake Tahoe on my birthday 2 days later and to San Fransisco and Pacifica. We didn't have the typical vows using "lil death do you part" and "in sickness and in health". We knew that would be true. We just didn't think the sickness part would be so real and so soon.

 Family 4th

4th of July

The following February (2014) we decided to start trying for a baby. As I've said before, we got pregnant May 2014 and lost that one June 2014. Then, that September we found out we were again and lost that pregnancy at 12 weeks in November. That one was the toughest, for both of us, because we heard the heartbeat just 2 days before that appointment at home because a friend gave us a home heart monitor. Not only was it hard for us because of that, but a few days after we found no heartbeat, I started to have back labor. So intense I couldn't walk almost. Eric was so amazing. Even though he was scared, he kept as calm as he could. Ended up being that my cervix wasn't opening enough for the sac to come out. The doctors in the ER called for a OB doctor to come down and she got our baby out for us. Eric being the "geek" he is and fascinated by anything science/medical related, saw the sac with the placenta all attached to it in the cup. He was there with me the whole time. Rubbing my back, holding me, making sure I was as comfortable as can be. After we left the ER he got me whatever I wanted to eat/drink and got me home and comfortable. For the next few days after, he waited on me and helped me around since my back was still in spasm mode from the back labor.

"Say Anything"

With our last pregnancy, we were both excited but also nervous. Of course, Eric being the amazing man he is, he kept calm and never showed he was nervous or scared. Week 27 came and we were referred to a nephrologist. Eric thought nothing of it. He figured it was just precautionary. For me, I was worried something was wrong. But again, Eric kept calm. When I got that last blood test back and told him I googled what it meant and it was cancer, he still kept calm and told me that we didn't know and we will wait until we talk to the doctor. Of course, that day came and he was right there by my side as we heard the news that is was malignant and it was Multiple Myeloma. Eric had been across from me (I was on the exam table) and he moved to be right with me, holding me, trying to make sense of it all. All while I was crying. After we got the news, I had the bone marrow biopsy and Eric stood right there at my head holding my hand, stroking my head and talking to me to keep my mind off the pain. Again, his fascination for medicine/science came out and he watched the biopsy as he was comforting me.

Music

After that appointment he took me home, got me comfortable in bed to nap (which I couldn't) and he ran around getting my prescriptions and getting me ice cream and other treats of comfort. We were both worried about Brandon, but knew the doctors would do what they could to keep Brandon and myself safe. As the news sunk in over the next few days, Eric went into a deep depression and turned to alcohol. It was his way of coping with the news. He knew he had to be strong for me. But, once we were dealing with it all, he broke down. Eventually, he realized what was going on and contacted our family doctor for help. They talked and Eric ended up with a prescription for Zoloft, an antidepressant. As he started to take it, he stopped drinking. Zoloft had an unintended side effect for Eric. As long as he takes it, even a sip of alcohol makes him nauseous. So, Eric doesn't drink anymore. He likes the medicine and how it helps him process the world around him.  The medication helped him with his depression and helped us get ready for Brandon's arrival. I am so proud of him for realizing what was going on and what he needed.

Goofy guys

He is still on Zoloft, as it still helps him with his depression. Depression is real. You never know who it will affect. I never though Eric had it until we talked about it. Really talked about it. Now, we talk. Of course, being the caregiver through my transplant months was tough too. There were days he would forget to take his medicine. And it would affect him. There were days it got to him so much that he wanted to kill himself. But we would talk and he would realize that isn't the answer. Not only does he have depression, but he has Aspergers Syndrome.  He is on the Autism Spectrum. He grew up not knowing it. A few months after we got married, Eric was diagnosed. He doesn't think like the rest of us. He doesn't get most sarcasm. He is learning a little from me, but for him everything is straight forward. He takes things very literally. He doesn't take to people attacking the ones he loves and will lash out. He doesn't take to people lashing out at him. It scares him. It makes it where he feels he can't trust that person. To him, relationships are everything. This I love about him. His relationships with others mean so much and when those people he thought were his friends or cared for him lash out at him, he backs away. He shuts down. He needs a world where people can talk to him if there is an issue. Not pretend that something was not said or done. Not yell. Not lash out and say hurtful things. I used to be one of those people until we talked and he told me what he needed. Until he told me how it hurts him and scares him. Everything Eric has had to deal with, with being a caregiver for me and for Brandon, it's rough on somebody not only with depression, but also with Aspergers Syndrome.

Ugly Chair

I married Eric because even though I didn't fully understand him, I knew I loved him. I knew that his quirkiness I loved. He cares deeply. He loves deeply. He is passionate about so much in his world. From plants, to science, politics (which I don't get all of that), lately sports cards he is collecting for Brandon. He is learning about all these different players so he can tell Brandon about them when he is older. He loves music. I love that he plays guitar and wants to and try now, to teach Brandon. We both can see that Brandon has a musical side to him. What instrument it will be, we are not sure, but leaning towards drums right now. Eric can do anything he puts his mind and effort to. All things I love so much about him. I couldn't imagine having any other man by my side through this time. Through the cancer diagnosis. Through the treatment. Knowing it will come back. He is here by my side and he's not leaving. He's sticking to the "in sickness and in health, oil death do us part".

4th of July

Eric is a genuine, loving, funny, passionate, caring man. Anybody who meets him needs to take the time to get to know him. He is a wealth of knowledge and plain amazing to be around. And he cares and protects his loved ones like a lion protecting his family.

A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

Things I'm Going To Miss

Well, it has happened. It's getting too close but weighing all options this is the best thing for the time being. I am going to ask my doctor for a note saying I am released to work without restrictions. If I don't do this, I will lose our benefits. By benefits, I mean all medical, dental and vision. I NEED my medical at least. As we all know why. I have an ongoing medical issue that makes it where I need to keep medical.

This has been the hardest decision I have had to make. I have been so used to being home with Brandon since he was born almost a year ago, that all my daytime snuggles will be greatly missed. I am sure I will cry some my first day back. Ok, maybe not just some, but a lot. The longest I have been away from him was when I was in the hospital, but he was able to visit. He can't visit me while I am at work.

I'm not sure of my first day back. I just e-mailed my doctor and he is out of the office until the 26th. That's a long time. At least for me it is. I don't believe that any other doctor can write the note either. So, I obviously have my worries. Mainly that I will have a lapse in benefits and will have to skip October. So much I need to figure out. Just adds to the stress of it all.

One thing we have set is that my mother and father in law have said they are willing to help us out by watching Brandon while we are at work. One thing to help calm some of my stress. And, I know I would get pictures of Brandon while I am at work from them, and Eric. I'm just hoping that I won't have to work until really late. That I am off at a decent time. I already have an hour drive to and from work. That adds two hours to my ten hour day. It would be so much easier if I had been able to get another job already, but it is a long process.

I think what's making going back to work the hardest is missing Brandon growing up. I know I get three days off a week, but that's only three out of seven that I can be home with him. How do you other moms do it? How do you go back to work with a little one at home? I can't help but think of all the "what if's" and what I'll be missing. I won't miss him rolling over, crawling, first steps or first word. But I'll miss other words of his. Ugh! why is it so hard?

Enough rambling. I am sitting here with a little quiet time while Brandon naps in his pack n play and Kahlua, my fur baby, sleeps on the couch. Now, to try to do a little crafting while I have this quiet/calm time.

Fur baby

Day +100

Day +100 large cupcake

Today is that day. Today is day +100 after transplant. I made it! Without getting sick or having to be readmitted into the hospital. I had a lot of weak and sluggish days. Days when, if I didn't have Brandon, I would have spent the day in bed. Eric and Brandon are my why. They are my why I keep fighting so hard against this evil trespasser. They keep me going. Having their love and seeing the smile on Brandon's face when he wakes up and see's me is priceless.

Bedhead morning 

What is the significance of day +100? Basically, the main issue is that the body, in general, needs time to get back to an equilibrium after a transplant. It takes time for the reinfused stem cells to settle back into the bone marrow, spread, and get back to producing blood cells at a normal level. The body also needs time to work off the side effects of the high-dose chemo prior to the transplant. The immune system, as it is being reformed, also is getting back to fighting whatever myeloma cells are left in the body, not to mention any infections which may have occurred.

"Moms #MCM" before leaving for treatment

That being said, my last lab work looks really good. Everything is in the normal limits. I haven't been sick or had any infections. And other than my back pain and sometime achy pain in my hands and joints, I feel amazing. Of course, I am still on chemo. It's a maintenance chemo. Maintenance chemo is to avoid or slow the cancer's return if the cancer is in complete remission after initial treatment. Being in "complete remission" means doctors cannot find cancer and you have no symptoms. Maintenance therapy can help keep the cancer from coming back.

Vein finder at treatment

With all of that being said. Today is a big day. We celebrated by me having my maintenance chemo this morning. Going to lunch with my mother and father in law. Then to Toys R Us with Nanny and grandpa Hoover so Brandon could play with different toys to see what they could get him for his birthday coming up and also for Christmas. He had a blast playing with all the different toys we found. Especially the toy (big ride in) cars and the toys that make sounds. Some we could barely pry him away from. Luckily, we have such a laid back little boy that he didn't throw any tantrums or cry when we pulled him away from the toys. He just went on to the next item to look/play with.

Happy at lunchtime

I know the day is not over yet, but we are having a relaxing day just napping and relaxing. I believe a walk is in order later in the nice cool crisp air. Today has been perfect for my day +100. I am not into the throw a huge bash and party all night. Never really have been. Spending it with my men are perfect.

Day +91

Today was day +91. I have 10 more days left in my first 100 days after transplant. My immune system will be better. Not perfect, but much better. I will be able to be around larger groups of confined people. I'll be able to go to birthday parties and see friends even when they are sick. I'll probably still be careful with that last one though.

Happy boy

Since last I wrote, I have been putting in job applications like crazy and basically waiting to see if my department has found a spot for me yet. It's all a waiting game. I need to send in my college transcripts to add to that. So the people up in the exams unit can verify if I qualify for the spot I am trying to get. While all of that is going on, about once a week, I go through and apply for positions I can lateral transfer to. Most I can do right through the internet, some I have to physically print out and mail. Most recent is in the mail now. I think I must have applied for 40 or more jobs since the beginning of July. Of course, nobody lets you know if you are picked or not. You are left to assume you weren't picked when you don't hear anything.

Love how he looks at me

In the meantime, I spend my days playing with Brandon and attempting to nap with him while I still can. Although, while he naps, I end up cleaning, watching tv or looking for jobs. It's tough to do any of that while he's awake these days. He moves around and gets into everything. I mean EVERYTHING. Tonight I moved all of the glass grocery items from the very bottom shelves of our makeshift pantry (which I moved a month or two ago from the second shelf up to the bottom) to the very top shelves and put all his baby food on that bottom shelf. That he can play with. That won't break. We finally had to do that because he was playing with the Franks Red Hot glass bottle and picked it up and dropped it and it broke. Although, he did very well. As soon as it happened, he moved away, quickly. I think I even heard an "uh oh" after it happened and he moved away. A lot of kids his age would probably try to play in it. He didn't. We are very proud of him for that.

My nights usually consist of bathing (every few nights) him, playing with him in his room and getting him in his pajamas, then moving to our room to feed him, put on YouTube to watch our friend we call his Uncle Polli on there, and then I put on a lullaby. He will usually fall asleep by about 9 or 9:30. Although, he then wakes up when Eric gets home because he wants to have his daddy time. I don't blame him. I'd want that also. But then he is up until 2am! This kid is so much like his father with sleep. He is a night owl. He will stay up until all hours of the night and sleep in until 11am or noon. But, I personally, and Eric agrees, that needs to stop. Especially for when I go back to work. I will most likely be working "normal" (that's in quotations because my "normal" has always been shift work) hours and will need to get to sleep at a decent time myself.

How does one get back on a regular "normal" routine when they have been off for a year and were up late (sometimes until 1 or 2am or later) and slept in as much as they could? I am finding it difficult. Eric and I have decided to at least try to always be up by 9am. That's mainly for him. He starts work at 3pm usually. So, he could technically sleep in. But, we need to get Brandon on a better schedule, so, we are making plans. We just need to put them in place. As it is, it's after 11pm now. And I am wide awake. Amazingly honestly since I only got four hours of sleep last night. Brandon just wouldn't go to bed and then amazingly, woke up early. Let's hope tonight is better.

Morning coffee pick me up while Brandon plays

Being a parent is definitely a full time job. A full time job where you need to try to schedule with your other half a little alone time. My scheduled alone time has been interrupted lately by Brandon. He has been teething and has been needy of mommy. Me. I'm mommy. That usually means for me that I am getting out of the bath tub from a nice warm to hot soak for my achey body earlier than expected. Tonight was nice though. Eric gave Brandon a bath while I was in the bath. I also enjoyed a glass of wine while in the tub. I can't remember the last time that happened. Probably before I was pregnant. So, that would be over 1 1/2 years ago. Most likely in January or early February of 2015. A little before I was pregnant and MONTHS before I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma. Really, this time around I haven't had a glass of wine (full one not the little ones you get when you go tasting) since early March before Stanford to start getting ready for my transplant. Tonight was the first night I had a glass of wine in 6 months. It was nice to enjoy one. I can't do it all the time though. It'd be a waste. While Eric's at work at least. A glass of wine is a great way to wind down and relax. Getting Brandon to sleep alone is a marathon. It's a workout. And not a glass of wine worthy. Maybe once he's asleep, but then that means going back downstairs and I'm too lazy, and achey, to do that.

Soak and a glass of wine

Now, to attempt to get a little sleep before Brandon wakes up. He wakes up at least once in the night now that we put real pajamas on him and not just a onesie. Like the pajamas keep him more comfortable. Well, if anything, we saved a little money for a while there. He seemed to be too warm in pajamas. Maybe it was just because our room at Stanford was really warm. Who knows. All I care is that he wakes up at least one time. Not 10 times, now. So, good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite!

What Multiple Myeloma Has Taken From Me

Lately I've been thinking a lot. I try not to be negative because it just brings me down and can bring others down. Nobody wants to be down or sad. But today I'm writing about the honest truth. Last week I reposted on Facebook something I saw. It says "Multiple Myeloma the Thief It steals your body, your energy, your health, your family, your friends and the person you used to be!" I believe most of that is true.

Multiple Myeloma has stolen my body. I am poked and prodded every other week. Before my transplant it was every week and the 2 weeks after my transplant it was every day. Sometimes twice a day. Because I had to go through high doses of chemotherapy the month before and a few days before my transplant, MM took my hair. Not just on the top of my head, it took my eyebrow hair, eyelashes, arm and leg hairs (I really don't mind the leg hairs because I don't have to shave all summer), and everywhere else. I was transformed into somebody people wouldn't recognize if they hadn't seen pictures of me through the whole process.

MM has stolen my energy. It really has. There are a lot of times, days, when it's tough to keep up with Brandon. Luckily those days Eric is home and he helps out a lot. Sometimes though, it happens when Eric has to work. Those days are the days I drink a lot of caffeine and just hope for the best. With Brandon crawling and walking all over the place these days, I can sit and watch him from my chair or lay on the floor in his room and let him crawl and play around in there. Where it gets tough is if I don't have the energy to pick him up. That happened tonight. When it was time to come up stairs. We are very lucky that he seems to be an independent child when he needs to be and he climbed the stairs and crawled into his room for me. We could have stayed down stairs until Eric got home from work, but that wouldn't be until maybe around 11pm. Brandon would be, hopefully and it's true, asleep and out cold by then. I would still have low energy.

My health. MM has definitely taken my health. It has taken in by taking my bones and now joints. Because of the compression fractures, there is only so much I can do and my bones ache. Not to mention that around two months after transplant, if you had any sports injuries or other injuries that affect your joints, those will start to inflame. So, my right elbow and knees have been aching and hurting like crazy. After getting my Zometa IV last week they have died down a little, but I am sure it will start to hurt again once it gets closer to the next time I get the Zometa. That's only once a month.

MM hasn't really taken my family or friends. Maybe it has in the ones that I don't ever hear from or talk to anymore, but that really isn't many. If anything, I have gained MORE friends and I hear from family a lot more. It has made me closer to my mother and father in law also. They helped us out so much through the almost year come November of treatment once a month while I had my "long" days with both chemo and Zometa, then they dropped everything to help us out at Stanford in May and for a week and a half in June. My dad came up to help also in June. Luckily we were only there, well I was only there, for 2 1/2 weeks. And I think that's only because I was hospitalized for a week. I've made many new friends through the MM groups on Facebook I am a part of and also from Eric's work. I may not have met all of these people, but I believe one day I will. Maybe not this year or next, but one day.

The biggest thing MM has taken is definitely who I used to be. I used to be adventurous. Spontaneous at times. Now, and Eric had to point it out to me yesterday, I am kind of bland. Just do what is planned and that is all. You see, we were getting on the freeway here in town to go into the next town to go to Barnes & Noble and then something for dinner. As we were on the onramp Eric saw not one but two dildo vibrators on the side of the road. Usually, I would have been all for turning around and going back to make sure that's what they were and yesterday I was the dud. I just wanted to keep on going. Do as planned. It kind of took the wind out of Eric's sails yesterday, and I hate that. All I can think of that's making me be that way is being a mom with cancer. Usually you hear of people who have cancer doing crazy and exciting things. I think I would if I didn't have Brandon. I want to be here for him and so I am a lot more careful. But, after that realization last yesterday, I am going to make every effort to change this one. Well, not have it be so drastic. I am not allowed to do my hard Beachbody workouts. So it has taken that away from me.

After writing this post, I've decided I am going to change what I can. It won't be all of it, but I know I can change some of it. I may have MM, but MM doesn't have me.

Multiple Myeloma Diagnosis, 1 Year Later

This time last year. August 19, 2015, Eric and I were in a somber and brain fog state. All we wanted to do was watch something mind numbing and not talk to anybody but each other. Enjoy each other's company, feeling Brandon moving and kicking in my belly and take our fur baby's for a walk. That morning our world was flipped upside down.

It really all started the Sunday before. On August 16th while I was finishing up my overtime shift at work when I got a call from the Nephrologist about the last blood work to come back. She told me that my bone marrow was producing abnormal protein and that she referred my name over to Hematology to talk to them. That I could get a call in the next few days for an appointment. After that call, I googled "bone marrow producing abnormal protein". The first three to pop up are "Myeloma, Bone Marrow Cancer Prognosis and Treatment", "Myeloma Symptoms, Treatment & Causes" and "Multiple Myeloma - Myeloma - Myeloma Cancer - Plasma Cell Myeloma". I then had to Google Myeloma and Multiple Myeloma to see what it was exactly. It came up "A cancer of plasma cells". I sent Eric a text to call me as soon as he could. And of course, I started to freak out and the only person I showed anything about it that I was working with at the time was Margie. She helped me, for the time being, to calm down. Telling me I didn't know for a fact and wait until I met with the Hematologist. She helped keep me calm for the next 30 minutes until I was done with my shift. Then came the drive home. And the freak out started again. Eric and I got home and talked about it and he was a voice of reasoning. Calming me down some and enough to be able to sleep.

The next morning I received a call from Kellie, Dr. H's nurse, to set up my appointment. Which, to be honest, was really quick. Which made me happy. But, I still had to wait until Wednesday morning and this was Monday morning. I couldn't think of any questions to ask Kellie at the time, but she gave me her number to call if we did at all before the appointment came. Which, on Tuesday, after talking to Eric, I called to see if Eric should come and also what the appointment would entail since I was supposed to work that day also. Kellie said they encourage loved ones to come to the appointment and that I would most likely have a bone marrow biopsy (BMB) done. Eric set up to let work know he may be a little late coming in due to my appointment and we waited. Waited for Wednesday, August 19th at 10:45am to come and meet with the Oncologist.

Wednesday morning came. I could barely sleep the night before. But I got some. Enough to get me through the day. On the way to the appointment, Eric and I talked and we both agreed that I should call and let work know that I might be late, if not at all for the day. Depended on how the appointment went. Of course, I freaked my supervisor Cindy out a little but she said she would wait for my call or text. Eric and I got in, checked in and waited for Kellie. Who, we loved the moment we met her. She treated us like family. Like she had known us for years. She took care of us and made us feel at ease. She talked to us a little about the appointment and then left to go get Dr. H. Sitting and waiting. Who likes that, right? That was the most nerve racking 10ish minutes of my life. Eric was making small talk to try to help get my mind off of what this appointment may be. Dr. H came in, shook Eric's hand and gave me a hug. Asked us how we were and then didn't waste any time. It was what I Googled. We heard the words, "It's malignant. You have Multiple Myeloma." We then asked questions, what the treatment would be and that we may have to look at getting ready to have Brandon at 30-32 weeks along. I was only 28 weeks along at the time. I was then advised that I was going to have a new OB. One that specializes in high risk pregnancies. Dr. H let us know he had been talking to both my OB-GYN Dr. K and my new one Dr. M-H. They were working together on my diagnosis and what to do about the pregnancy. After Dr. H came in to talk to us and before my BMB, our Social Worker Lori came in to talk to us about different leaves from work and what we could do. At that point I was looking at just going in to work in a few days from that time, but that changed when my emotions made it where I couldn't concentrate.

Dr. H and Kellie come back in and I have my BMB after Lori is finished. I'll be honest here. I as more scared that it would hurt than I needed to be. Don't get me wrong, it hurt, but not as much as I thought it would. About 15 minutes later, the BMB was over. Kellie helped by holding my hand and Eric was holding my other hand at my head. Kellie kept making small talk by talking about Brandon. She knew exactly what to do to keep my mind off any pain or even the procedure. After the BMB, we left to do labs and get prescriptions and eat. All still in a fog. As I said, the whole day we were in a fog. Through all of this I call and talk to my dad and step-mom and let them know what's going on. I could barely get it out with my dad. I was crying the whole time. How do you tell your parents you have an incurable cancer? Never thought that would happen. After a few errands, Eric dropped me off at home to rest while he went back to get one of my prescriptions and a few things at the store. My supervisor Cindy called to find out what was going on. I let her know, and from what I hear (because I know she won't tell me she did it), she locked herself in her office until she left that night because she was so sad.

The rest of the day Eric and I watched mind numbing movies and had ice cream and other junk food. Week by week went by and we were able to keep Brandon baking in my tunny until 35 weeks. Five weeks longer than originally thought. No NICU time needed. Perfectly perfect little boy and healthy as can be. The next ten months have been amazing and crazy hectic all at the same time. A month after Brandon was born, I started my chemo treatments. As you previously read, they went well. Come June 6, 2016, I had my Stem Cell Transplant (SCT) to basically reset me. And, by reset, I mean reset. Here's something personal, the SCT put me in early menopause. Yep, I'm 38 years old and in menopause. Which sucks, but it's all part of the process. The other thing is, next year I will have to get all the vaccines Brandon has gotten, again. Yep, I will have to get all my vaccines. The SCT wiped me clean. From my cancer (for now) and from all vaccines I have had over my life and of course put me into menopause. Fun stuff!

I did lose all my hair as I have written and posted pictures of. Now, it's growing back. I am giving it some help by taking the itWorks! Hair, Skin, Nails pills. I'll tell ya, it definitely works! My hair is about like it was when we shaved it before I lost it. Now to start planning my hair styles my friend Colleen and I will do on me. This gives me a chance to do something different. Just like I did before I lost my hair. I'll tell ya, I LOVED that style. I am seriously going to do that again when my hair is long enough to do so again. Now, to look for different styles to do before it gets long enough to get back to that style.

As of how I am feeling. I am feeling great. Some days better than others. But I am still feeling great. I am on day +74 after my transplant. Day +100 is less than a month away and I am excited! Haven't decided if I want to do anything to commemorate that day or not. I am planning on going back to work but I am not supposed to be around dust/dirt, so I am waiting on a workplace reassignment. It could take a while. Even months. Hoping not months though. I am going to keep applying for other jobs and hopefully something comes up. As of today, I have been off work for a year. I love being home with Brandon, but I know going back to work would be good. Not just for me, but for Brandon too. He would get good exposure to other kids. In the meantime, I am enjoying my time with Brandon. I really do. I love seeing his adorable smile. Watching him grow and develop. He's a very smart little boy for just 10 months old. I can't wait to see what else he will learn and do before I go back to work.

As of now, I am still in recovery phase. My maintenance chemo is going really well and everything else at home is also. I can honestly say, I have kicked cancers butt and will continue to do so for the rest of my life. I've found who my true friends are and who will forever be there for me. I have also got some new friends who have come from nowhere. Through the Multiple Myeloma groups I am in on Facebook and through Eric's work. People I have never met have friended me. Have prayed for me, sent good thoughts for me, have been there to be a listening ear if needed. They have all been there for me in one way or another and for that I am forever grateful and happy to have their friendship. Will I meet any of them someday? I sure hope so. The ones who live further away will be harder, like Maggie who is also fighting MM, but I hope to one day meet her. I hope to meet all of them.

To all of you who read this blog and have been there for us this last year, THANK YOU! Thank you for showing us who our real friends are. For being there in some way for us. For helping us with Brandon, food, etc. We will always remember it. Thank you!

Day +Sixty Something

As the days go on, I actually lose count as to what day it actually is. I always mean to put it in my calendar on my phone, but I forget. I guess you can call that "chemo brain". I seem to forget a lot if I don't write down right away. One thing being Brandon's milestones. I remember when he took his first step. It was my birthday. I remember when he actually walked by himself for the first time, that was last Thursday while all three of us were sitting in Brandon's room playing and he walked, unassisted, from Eric to me. I saw it out of the corner of my eye. Eric, head on. He climbed MOST of the stairs today on his own. Only to look back and see me and decide to crawl back to me. Rolling down 2 steps. He's ok. He didn't even cry, much. But I can't for the life of me, remember the exact day he stood by himself on his own. I know it was a week or two before he took his first step. This "chemo brain" has really got me.

Speaking of "chemo brain", it's going to happen for about 2 years still. Yep. I will be in maintenance chemo for 2 years. Let's hope that my MM stays away for that long...actually, MUCH longer would be nice. So far, so good. I guess you can say I am in complete response. But, until my 100 days is up (which is September 15th, I do remember that day), I will still say I am fighting MM. Although, I will ALWAYS be fighting it. It won't go away. So, I will be fighting it as in maintaining my levels and helping get my immune system back to where it should be. Which, is in another 30 something days or so. That's not bad. Considering it feels like I just had my transplant not long ago. But, to think it was just over two months ago now is amazing. I'm over the half way point. And feeling and doing great!

For now, the posts will probably be further apart. I mean, there has to be something to write about in order to write. I'll probably do another one later in the week. My 1 year anniversary of diagnosis is coming up. Hard to believe that it's been 10 months since Brandon was born and yet on the 19th I will have been diagnosed for 1 year and was 28 weeks pregnant with this cutie. He has really completed our family. I can't imagine life without him now. Sometimes I feel like an over protective mom. Other times I know I am letting him figure things out for himself. Over protection comes from making sure he doesn't fall off the bed or roll down the stairs. Both of which I haven't been too protective over the last few days. But, I can't always be right there.

Thank you for reading again. I know you don't have to. And some people probably wonder why I even put my life out there to read. It was originally to inform people about MM. Now it's more of informing people about my life with MM and my family. Letting you know what we are doing now. So, thank you!