There's something couples talk about when they get first get together. That something is children. Whether or not they want any. How many they want. Etc. For Eric and me, that was nothing new. It was something we definitely talked about. At first, Eric didn't want anymore kids. He has 3 amazing boys from his previous marriage and because of the pain he's been through due to the divorce, he really didn't want anymore. Somehow I was able to talk him into it. Was he afraid of what kind of mother I'd be? Yes. I think it's only natural. Especially since even though I had been around kids my whole life, I wasn't around them 24 hours a day. They weren't mine. I would see them for a day or a few hours and then not again for a week, or longer. But, he has told me, on many occasions, how amazing of a mother I am to Brandon. That means a lot to me. Because honestly, I think like most women who becomes moms for the 1st time, I was scared.
The other thing we both talked about that I'm not sure all couples talk about, was adoption. We both have always wanted to adopt too. For Eric, he didn't care if we adopted and then had our own or the other way around. For me, I wanted to have one of our own and then adopt. I don't know why. Maybe because I was afraid we would adopt and then I would get to the point where I felt I was too old to have one of my own.
A little more of a back story on our journey to get Brandon. We decided to start trying about 6 months after we got married, February 2014. So, the journey started! By May 2014, we found out I was pregnant. I must have taken almost 10 home pregnancy tests. Doing the estimate, I was about 5 weeks along when we found out. I called, made my appointment with my doctor and went to the lab and took their test. Their test came back positive too. My appointment was for when I would be about 8 weeks along. Unfortunately, on June 4th, while getting ready for overtime at work, I noticed I started to bleed. Just a little bit though. I knew that a little bleeding is normal. It's called implantation bleeding. I was still scared, but tried to keep calm and kept getting ready for work. At about noon, O left to make the drive. But, while driving there, I started to feel cramping and even some pain in my lower back. I ended up pulling the car over, calling Eric & leaving a message for him letting him know what was going on and where I was going (I had decided to go ahead and head to the ER at this point) then called work and let them know I was on my way to the ER. I was scared. I was hoping that it was just the implantation, but the cramping was making me think it was a miscarriage. When I got to the ER, I was taken back right away. Not because of my situation and why I was there, it wasn't really busy at that time of day. They did labs and while waiting for the results, took me for an ultrasound. By this point, there was A LOT of blood. I was trying my hardest to keep it together, but was really very sad and upset deep down inside. There was nothing on the ultrasound. Nothing at all. And the labs came back at a normal level. I indeed had a miscarriage.
We were both devastated. But, after talking to my doctor, decided to try again a few months later. It seemed to happen really fast the 2nd time. On September 10th, my friend Becky and I went to Fresno for a Perfectly Posh event. The whole day I was feeling "off". It wasn't until after the event and when we stopped for coffee for the long drive home at 9pm that I started to think I was pregnant again. The coffee wasn't tasting good to me, I felt even more "off" than I had earlier in the day and realized I was 1 1/2 weeks late. I started talking to Becky about it. Letting her know what I was feeling and how the coffee just wasn't tasting good (and I love coffee). She told me I was pregnant. So, the next morning, I woke up and took a pregnancy test. It indeed came back VERY positive. What I mean by VERY is that the 2 pink lines showed up really fast and really dark. I ended up going to the dollar store and to Target and got a few more tests. The dollar store ones come 1 in a pack and I wanted to get a "fancy" one just to make sure. Sure enough, over the next few days, they all were positive and very fast responses too. SO, I made an appointment. This time, we figured it was at about 8 weeks and ended up being about 7 weeks...and there were 2 sacs. We could see a heart fluttering in one of them, but the other not yet. The doctor we saw, wasn't my usual doctor, said that was normal and we were to come back in 2 weeks. We went back at about 10 weeks and there was only 1 sac this time and a very strong heartbeat coming through. We were excited! Everything was going as normal as they should go. I wasn't having any pain, no cramping, only morning sickness and being VERY tired. Our next appointment was November 8. We were about 12 weeks along. Just getting out of the 1st trimester. This was the 1st appointment with my doctor too. As they usually do, he had the ultrasound screen facing him so he could see things before we did. I played back, had the cold gel on my belly and he moved the wand around. Looking at his face, I knew. Something was wrong. He turned the screen towards us to show us what he was looking at, and I knew instantly what it was. There was no heartbeat. Again, we were devastated. And, it only got worse. I had to wait for an appointment to have a D & C done. Wait! My appointment wasn't going to be until the 15th. Supposedly that was the soonest they had available. The next few days, I started to bleed on my own. And this wasn't normal. It was so bad. I had never had cramps like I had at that time. They came and went like contractions and were also in my back. It was debilitating. I had taken the dogs out to go to the bathroom at one point and on the way back I dropped to the ground because it hurt so much. After that, I was getting sick. And ended up telling Eric we had to go to the ER. Something was wrong. I was sick. I was in excruciating pain. He knew I had a very high pain tolerance and if I was in this much pain, it was really bad.
This time at the ER we waited about 5 or 10 minutes to get a room. Mainly because it was Saturday afternoon. They called in an OB doctor for me and come to find out, our baby was sitting right there at my cervix. My cervix wasn't dilating and the fetus was too big to get through the opening that was there. I was in labor. With back labor. And had been for 2 days already. Finally, the doctor was able to assist on get it out. The whole sac was intact with the placenta attached to it. It was really hard to see, but I was happy to not have to wait another 4 days to have something done. After the ER, we went home. And for the next few days we just relaxed. Or attempted to. My back was still hurting pretty bad. It was tough to move or get comfortable. But eventually, by about the end of December, I felt better.
We decided to try one more time. That's all I was going to give myself. One more. It was too hard to go through 2 miscarriages. February 24, 2015 came and I took another home test. I took 3 that day. All positive. All fast and really dark. We were pregnant again. This time, we didn't tell anybody except a few people. Very few people. The last one ended in a miscarriage about 1 1/2 weeks after we told everybody. So, we decided we would wait. Each appointment we had, things were going very well. Very strong heartbeat. At one point, I was about 10 weeks along and was bleeding a little the after work and we were able to get in for a check up the next morning. Everything looked great and we even saw him start springing around the screen. It was like he was bouncing. That made us feel better. I ended up taking the NIPT, or Harmony test. It's a blood test where they take the mothers blood which has fragments of the placenta in it to test for down syndrome or any other diseases or deformities and will also tell you the gender. I took that test at 10 1/2 weeks and found out by 11 weeks that we were having a BOY! Also, everything looked great. I was not high risk. We decided to wait a few more weeks to tell people, and on Mothers Day we posted a picture of my growing belly and let people know there was a baby on the way. I was 15 weeks along. As spoken about before, everything was going well. Then the cancer diagnosis at 28 weeks.
As the weeks counted down (or up, however you want to look at it), and we got closer to when I would deliver, Eric and I talked with my new doctor about a tubal ligation. Since I was having a c-section, it would only take an extra 2 minutes or so she said. So, I signed the papers and it was set. What helped us make the decision was my cancer. With having the compression fractures in my lower back and needing to go through chemotherapy, it wasn't feasible to even keep it an option to possibly have another pregnancy. At least in my eyes. Because of the compression fractures, I had to have a c-section and we had to have Brandon early. He was putting too much pressure on my spine the bigger he got. Not only did this make it an easier decision, but the fact that Eric and I decided on only having one baby. It had been decided when we started to try. This is where the next part comes in.
Some people I know and some I don't know ask why we don't want to have another baby. It's not that we don't want to. Really, it's none of their business. But, it's not that we don't want to. It's that we decided in advance that we would have one together to go with his previous 3. And, down the line, we WOULD have another together. We would adopt. There are so many baby's and children out there who need loving homes. We know it's a very long, expensive process, but we feel it is worth it. It's worth it to let that child who was put up for adoption know they have people who will help raise them and be their parents. Give them a family to grow up with. To let them know that they were wanted, but their birth mother didn't feel they could raise them and give them the life they deserved at that time in her life. She wanted them to have a better life.
Eric and I, in no way, are doing this any time soon. Maybe a few years down the road, but not right now. Brandon is only 6 months old and I am still on my journey of kicking this cancer to the ground. We are busy enough with him and my upcoming transplant. Along with the recovery time. Plus, we want to give Brandon as much love and time as we can right now. His whole life so far has been around Kaiser and my appointments. Once I am in "complete response" and we can get back to a "normal" life, we are going to give Brandon a lot of time and take him places and show him things.
That is where we are with expanding our family.
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