Lately Eric and I have been talking about my cancer and regards to Brandon. Mainly, how are we going to tell him when the time comes and when is that time. He's so young and I am going to have this cancer for all of his life. Unless they find an actual cure for it in that time.
I was thinking a possible time, when he may understand, is when he is 5. What he will understand is that mommy is sick. I don't think he will understand what cancer is yet, to be honest. What we don't want is for anybody else, any other family or friends, to tell him that I am sick. We both believe that it should come from us. His parents. Especially me. Being the one who is sick.
One thing I will definitely do and I mentioned it to Eric, is talk to our medical Social Worker Lori. She is amazing. She has helped us through so much. From the initial diagnosis and what to expect to helping with financial situations and even work issues. She has been a God send and life saver where we have been so confused. Of course, like Dr H and Kellie and all the other nurses, they have been there and known Brandon since before he was born.
I'll be honest, as I always am here. I am nervous about telling him. About how he will process it. How he will react to the news. I wonder if he will cry, be angry, upset, scared. I wonder if he will be quiet or ask questions. With whatever happens. Whatever reaction or feelings he has, I just hope he knows this doesn't change the way I feel about him and I hope it doesn't change how he feels about me. I know when some people tell family they have cancer, some of the family walks away and distances themselves from that person. I don't know why it happens, but I think, and only think, it's because they are afraid. Afraid of getting too close and having something happen. The unspeakable. Death. All in all, I just hope that Brandon knows I am a fighter and will do what I can to make sure I am there for him for a long time. That I am not going to let this beast take me from watching him grow.
Another thing that has been bothering me is that I have a lack of energy. I think it's from treatment and the beast. I always thought that when I had a kid I would be involved more. Involved by getting down on the floor playing with him without hurting. To be able to run and chase after him. Play tag and chase. To even wrestle with him like daddy does. But, due to this ugly cancer, it has taken that part of my motherhood away from me. I can get on the floor and play Legos and cars with him, but not for a very long time as sitting on a hard floor hurts my body. I can run after him and chase him, but not for a long period of time because the bouncing up and down from running hurts my back and my compression fractures.
I am happy that what I can do is walk and hold his hand. Maybe not for a very long distance, but it is getting better...slowly. I love that he is a cuddly and affectionate little man. That is something I can do. I can lay on the couch or bed and cuddle with him while watching a favorite movie of his or even just listening to music. I can sit in my chair with him in my lap. Something I absolutely love is when he comes up to me, places his little hands on my face and looks me right in the eyes and says his gibberish. I have no clue what he is saying, but he does, and that's special. Sometimes he will end it with a sweet kiss or hug or both. If there is something good about this cancer, it is that it has taught me to slow down and really notice the small things. I believe Multiple Myeloma has helped me teach Brandon to be more caring. And it really shows in those special times where he is affectionate.
In the end, I am a fighter. I am going to fight for the rest of my life. I believe I have a long time to go. I believe I will be here to see Brandon graduate from high school and college. Meet his future wife and even be there to see him get married and to meet my grandchildren one day. If anything, I can still see all of that in the future. I may have this incurable cancer, but it doesn't have me. And no matter what, I know I have an amazing village of family and friends who are right there beside us helping us through everything and giving us all the love me need.
