Writing A Book

I'm coming up on almost a year since I started this blog. It's intent was to give a spot. One spot, where people can go for updates about me and my cancer and the treatment I was going through. As I started writing, people suggested I should write a book. To write a book about what I've written in this blog. Basically turning my blog into a book.

The only thing I need to do now is make the time to take the blog posts I want to put in the book and put them together. Then fill in some places I missed or cut out at the time. I know the sooner the better, but it's hard when you're scared. Yes, I admitted it. I'm scared. I never thought of writing a book until people started suggesting it when I started the blog. I never thought I was book writing material. I figured my blog was like a thinking out loud diary for everybody to read. It started with Eric telling me I should turn it into a book. Then, my mother in law and a few other people agreed.

But, I'm scared. I think I'm scared because it's my life. It's my life I would be putting out there for even more people to read. It would be a good thing though at the same time. It was get it out there that my cancer is not just in elderly men anymore. It can happen at any age. Even while pregnant. It can happen in the healthiest of people also. So why am I so scared? I think I'm so scared because I'm afraid I will put so much time into the book and nobody would want to buy it. Nobody would want to read it. So much time and it would go nowhere.

If I wrote my book it would be a good thing, too. Like I said before, it would get it out there that it's not just for elderly men. I could help people know what to look for. I could give others hope on how to live your life while living with this cancer. It's not easy some days, but it can be done. I think what I need to know is, if I wrote a book. Would you read it? Would you buy it and read it? I feel like I need to know that it wouldn't just sit there. I'd want to know that people will actually read it. Then, I would go on trying to write a children's book. Maybe a children's book about a girl and boy with cancer and they are super heroes. Something. Something for those going through treatment for childhood cancer. Something to give them hope. Would you buy a book like that for your children? Something that would help healthy children know that those with cancer are not contagious. They are the same as you and me, they are just sick. Would you buy a book like that for your children. These are the things I need to know before I write these books. Before I let my life and thoughts out there for everybody in the world. Would you buy these books?

Update

A few days ago I saw my oncologist. I hadn't seen him since the beginning of December. I'm always nervous when I have these appointments. I may think everything is going well, but I get those little doubts in the back of my head. So many other patients that I'm in support groups with have had their MM come back around 6 months after transplant. I am at 8, almost 9, months after transplant.

I got to my appointment a few minutes early and there was somebody ahead of me. I talked to the receptionist Jo for a little bit then I saw Jessica. I stumped her that she forgot who she was going to call back. Finally I saw Kellie and she called me up. We talked about Brandon and Eric and the accident we just had. We also talked about Amber. Amber was another cancer patient who was diagnosed around the same time as I was with a different cancer and while pregnant. She too had a son. Our sons are the same age. But she, unfortunately, lost her battle the night before my appointment. I never had the opportunity to meet her since when I went to the support group, she was in the hospital and when she went, I was at Stanford for my transplant. I'm saddened. I'm so sad for her husband and son. Her son will not get to know his mom except for in pictures and stories from her family and friends. She will never get to watch her son grow into a young man. It's something I've been afraid of and it was her reality. And I am so sorry for everybody involved.

Finally Dr. H came in. He told me how I was looking good (even though I was sick) and then got right to it. See? Dr. H doesn't beat around the bush. He gets right to the point. He told me everything was looking great. Everything was staying level. Plateaued. My numbers are not fluctuating very much either way. It's 8 months post transplant and 18 months post diagnosis and I am doing well. 18 months ago we didn't know what my fate would be. Maybe 3-5 years as the statistics say. But I feel like I've got a lot longer. I have decades. I feel like my positive attitude and Eric and Brandon, are what keeps me going and fighting.

I will keep on fighting this nasty cancer. I will keep fighting to be here to watch Brandon grow into a wonderful young man. I will fight to watch him graduate high school, college, get married, and have children. Eric will not be a single father. A widower. He will have his wife there until we are old and that is our time. Death is inevitable, but not now. Not anytime soon. I am a fighter. I am fighting.

Cancer Concerns

On Facebook I am on a few Multiple Myeloma support groups. Places where I can go and ask questions and get support from other MM warriors. One thing I am noticing lately in them is some of the patients are getting diagnosed with other cancers now. Most of them have had MM for a few years already, but now they are getting another cancer. Most common one so far is another blood cancer. A leukemia.

I was told before my transplant that a few common second cancers I could get were breast cancer and skin cancer. Since then, I do self breast exams every other day and if I'm going to be outside, I wear sunscreen and cover up as most comfortable as I can. Luckily, right now, it is winter and it has been cold. So, I have been wearing long sleeves and sweatshirts or sweaters a lot. On the breast cancer side, so far I am not feeling anything. Which is good. Although, I am a little more careful now also since my aunt (my fathers sister) was diagnosed with breast cancer. Now, after seeing how different MM warriors are being diagnosed with a form of leukemia, I guess I need to worry about that too.

With leukemia, it's more common to have an allogenic transplant, or allo transplant. An also transplant is where you get stem cells which are used to help build new bone marrow, from a donor. Unlike leukemia, MM uses the autologous transplant, or auto, as the most common. An auto transplant is what I had back in June. That is where I as given high doses of chemotherapy to kill off any and all of the cancer in my blood and then they took my clean good stem cells out to give back to me. I was my own donor. There are more complications if an MM patient has an allo transplant over an auto transplant. The body can reject the stem cells. Even if it was a perfect match.

I'm scared/worried now that I could get a leukemia. AML, or Acute Myeloid Leukemia is the words I've seen thrown around. AML progresses rapidly with myeloid cells interfering with the production of white blood cells, red blood cells and platelets. It is treatable. By chemotherapy, other drug therapy and stem cell transplant. I know when I went through my hospital stay because I got sick after my transplant I was telling myself I didn't want to go through that again. The thing is, I would. I have had a better quality of life since my transplant than I did before it.

I know I shouldn't worry about it. At least until it actually happens. But it's a concern I have. I know that no matter what, whatever cancer I have, I will fight. I will fight hard and win. I have a husband and son who depend on me to be there for them. No cancer will take me away from them so soon.

Reading

Before my transplant

Reading. It's something I never really was that great at doing growing up. I mean, I could read, I just didn't want to recreationally. Until I found the John Grisham books. As an adult, I look for books by looking at the cover, then reading the back of the book. If I like both, then I will get it. Some of my most favorite books have come from even just liking the cover. A lot of random books. Usually from Target. I think one of my favorites I read 2 years ago. It was Dorothy On the Rocks. It was a book with laughing, crying and just all around aww.

Lately though, I have found it difficult to read for myself. The books I have been reading are kids books. For Brandon. And mainly just one. The Little Blue Truck Leads the Way. Just that one. I could probably recite the book without looking at it. I've tried the first book in that series, The Little Blue Truck, but he just wants to read the one where he leads the way. Ot the Curious George one where Curious George becomes a hand puppet and you do the pat-a-cake song with him. He loves to give Curious George hugs and loves. Its really adorable. Meanwhile, my books are getting neglected.

The books I read to Brandon

That's why tonight, when Eric took Brandon with him downstairs to get something to eat, I decided to come upstairs to read. Then started to write. I have a few books I have had since I was in the hospital for my stem cell transplant. One I started and the others I haven't yet. Then there are also a few books Eric got me back in September I believe and I started one of those but haven't finished. Plus, the one my step-mom got me to help with Brandon's transition into toddlerhood. I've read some of it and have taken notes, but nowhere near finished. The reason? Brandon.

Just two books I have to read

I want to give him all of my attention when I am around him. I don't want to miss a thing. And he wants my attention. He wants me to play with him and cuddle with him and ready his books to him. And I will gladly do it. So, my books get put on the back burner. I think the way around that is to actually TAKE my breaks at work. To actually sit there, not doing work, and read. One of the books I started while at Stanford was the Tom Brokaw book A Lucky Life Interrupted. It's about his diagnosis with Multiple Myeloma. I figured when I got hospitalized that I would read. That wasn't the case. I was so weak, nauseous, and didn't want to do anything that I didn't read. I tried to crack open a book, but I would start to fall asleep. Then, getting home from the hospital, it was right back into mommy mode. I had to make up all that time I missed with Brandon while I had to be away from him.

There is one thing. As much as I would love to be reading my own books, or writing my own book, I cherish reading Brandon's books to him. Even if it's the same one over and over again. So, until the time I can read my own books again, I will keep reading Brandon's books to him and savor every moment of it.