Pictures

Pictures. Everybody takes them. Everybody has them. For me, they are a little more special. I remember my dad always taking pictures of everything and anything. Places, scenery, us kids, family outings, sports we were in, everything. I also remember my grandpa, dads father, taking a lot of pictures. He always had his camera with him. I think that is where I got it from.

I too take pictures of anything and everything. I took photography in high school. That is where I fell in love with black and white photography. And, especially scenery in black and white. Not sunset or sunrise, because beautiful colors need to be in color, but mountains, meadows, fields, trees, etc, in black and white brings so much depth, emotion and dimension into the picture.

the last 18 months I have had 1 consistent subject I have been taking pictures of. My son Brandon. I love capturing everything he does. All his silly expressions. His whole world and how he looks at it. He is my pride and joy. The older I got, the more I thought I would never have a child of my own. But I did. He is my Rainbow baby as we lost two pregnancies before him. He saved me. I've wrote about it before. If it weren't for him, we would never had found my cancer as early as we did. Most people who find out about their Multiple Myeloma cancer find out because they break a bone. A hip, their back, something big. Then, and only then, is it found. For me, because I was pregnant and they check my urine so much, they noticed something off as the protein levels were high for so long and my blood pressure was low. Consistently low. So, I didn't have preeclampsia. More tests ended up revealing Multiple Myeloma.

Before my diagnosis at 28 weeks pregnant August 19, 2015, I knew I would take a lot of pictures of Brandon. But after that day, I knew I needed to take even more. And keep even more pictures. Not just for me, but for Brandon. Eric isn't much of a picture taker. I do that. That's why any picture of me with Brandon ends up being a selfie. I take so many pictures because I want Brandon to see his childhood. To see himself and mommy and daddy when he was little. Because there may be one day that I am not able to take so many pictures. I already missed a week. Yes, my mother and father in law took some pictures and my dad took some pictures, but when I was hospitalized after my stem cell transplant, I couldn't take any pictures and capture his world. I couldn't see what he was doing. What his reaction to his new adventures were. I want him to see that.

I have been told that I take too many pictures by a few people. Also, that I post too many pictures on social media. I might do that, but it's because I want to bring as much joy I get from watching Brandon grow to my friends and family also. And I have been told some, or most, people love seeing the pictures. But there are a few who think it's too much. They don't want to see them. And why, I have no clue. But, I am so proud of who he is becoming that I want to share it with family and friends. Do I care that there are people who think I take too many pictures of him? Nope, not at all. They have the right to their opinion, just like I have the right to take the pictures and post them.

You better believe that once he is old enough to understand, I will get him a small camera to use. To take his own pictures. I will teach him to take pictures of everything and anything like mommy does and grandpa and his great grandpa did. It is something I want to pass on to him when I go. I'm not leaving anytime soon. I am here fighting this cancer and kicking it's butt. But the thing about Multiple Myeloma is, it's sneaky. It will appear again. It may come back more fierce than it originally was. I will probably have to change my chemo regime when it does decide to rear it's ugly head again. And maybe I won't be able to fight it as well as I am now. But I don't think about that. I only think about fighting and kicking MM to the curb. Fighting for Eric. Fighting for Brandon. Fighting for all my friends and family who stick by my side through all of this.

So, yes, I take a lot of pictures. Especially of Brandon. I want him to see his childhood. I want him to see what I saw. And I will continue to take pictures of him and post them on social media. You can have your opinion. It is ok. And I can have mine. So, enjoy the pictures or not. No sweat off my back.

Slow Down

I've realized something recently. I will never be where I used to be.

Before my cancer diagnosis I worked out 5-6 days a week. I could run errands all day and not be exhausted. I could not only run errands all day on my weekends but I could still go to work and not feel like my body was going to shut down. Before my cancer diagnosis I could chase my nephew and niece around and keep up with them.

With my cancer diagnosis I had to slow down. I didn't work out like I used to. I would walk 3 days a week instead of my regular rigorous 5-6 day a week workouts. Walking has become enough for me. Of course, I was nearing the end of my pregnancy when my diagnosis came about. I had 12 weeks to go. I was getting bigger and slowing down anyways. But not to the level I had to with the diagnosis.

There is a difference between pregnancy slow down and cancer slow down. With pregnancy, it's because you are getting bigger and you are pumping blood and energy for two. With cancer, it's because you have a low immune system and that makes you have less energy. Put the pregnancy slow down and the cancer slow down together and you can see that I sat and rested a lot there in the last few weeks before Brandon was born.

After I had Brandon, some energy came back. But then I started chemo 5 weeks after I gave birth. Chemo involved slowed me down more again. There was one day a week I would be down and out for the count because I got sick. It was usually 3 days after my chemo treatment. Put that in with taking care of a baby, and that makes things really hard. I was exhausted. I am exhausted. Especially with a toddler running around.

This last week Eric and I have been lucky to have most evenings together to run errands and spend time together. We've done a lot in the few days. Really it was Tuesday and Thursday. We were going to run errands on Wednesday but I was too tired from Tuesday. So tired that while at work I was dragging on Wednesday. To the point I could barely walk to the printer. Not only was that going on, but my whole body ached. We resumed running errands on Thursday evening. And, when we got home, I was back to being so exhausted I could barely help with nighttime routine for Brandon. But I still did it. When I finally got myself to bed, I was done. I couldn't fall asleep right away, but I sunk into our bed with no problem.

I'm not complaining. I have a wonderful VERY helpful husband who makes me slow down when he see's I'm having issues and a healthy, amazing, confident little boy who I couldn't imagine being there for. That is why I push myself. That's the moral of the story. Cancer slows me down. I thought after my transplant I would bounce back to my old normal self, but I didn't. So, I have to deal with that and not push myself too hard. Save myself for Brandon and Eric. They are my main priority.