Mother's Day #2...Better Than The First

Last year was my first Mother's Day. But honestly, it felt just like any other day since I was going through my transplant process. I had just had a high dose of chemo and had just gotten home from Stanford. We were all exhausted and because of my immune system, we couldn't go anywhere. I was on a strict diet of not eating out. Everything had to be carefully and fully cooked and there were certain foods I couldn't have. Not to mention, I had to wear a filtered mask whenever we left the house or I wasn't in the infusion center. So, my Mother's Day last year consisted of naps and just sitting around the house. Eric and I did run to the hospital because I had to get a few prescriptions and my friend Julie helped us out and came over and watched Brandon for a little bit. That way we could relax and nap also. That was all of Mother's Day 2016. My first as a humans mommy.

 Fast forward to this year. To today. Today is Mother's Day. Today was a lot better and more enjoyable than last year. A week ago I had told Eric that all I wanted for Mother's Day was to sleep in, a pedicure and then dinner with him and Brandon. Well, he exceeded that wish! I didn't sleep in, but that was my own fault. Guess I am just used to waking up early. We all got up around 7:30am. So, maybe that is sleeping in for me. Yesterday I was up around 7am, and usually am on most weekends. Weekdays I am up about 5:15am. So, I guess I did sleep in today. We went down stairs and while I took care of Kahlua (she who is a fur baby), Eric started to get breakfast ready. He made us hash browns, eggs and blueberry waffles. He also made me coffee exactly how I like my home brewed coffee. After breakfast he brought over my presents. He got me a beautiful Peace Lily, Brandon's birthstone in stud earrings and a beautiful Koa Maile ring. Koa is a wood native to the Hawaiian Islands and Maile is a leaf that grows on vines in the rain forests of Maui, Kaui and the Big Island of Hawaii. The ring also has the infinity sign in it. 

After breakfast and presents, I got ready for the day. Then, left to go get a much needed pedicure. As I was leaving, Brandon kept blowing me kisses. It's the kind of kisses I get these days from him since he seems to be backing away from the actual kisses. I wanted to go as early as I could because I had a feeing they would be busy today. I was right. I seemed to get there at just the right time though. I was after a big rush and before the next big rush. Lots of mothers with their daughters. It felt good getting a pedicure. I don't splurge on too much pampering for myself outside of the house and the last time I had a pedicure, I hate to say, was September of 2015. Just before Brandon was born. I got a chocolate mint pedicure. Very hydrating and soothing. I love when they massage your legs and feet before applying the polish and after all the scrubbing.

When I got home from my pedicure, Brandon was napping. He needed the nap because he was getting really fussy before I left for my pedicure. He was asleep for about an hour after I got home and woke up happy and excited to see me. So, we got up, Eric got dressed while I got Brandon dressed and then we were out and off on our adventure for Mother's Day. We went to the mall to pick up my wedding ring that we were hoping could be fixed, but found out it can not be fixed. That is ok, as I have a new ring to be my wedding ring. After we picked that ring up, we went to the jewelry store Eric got my ring and earrings at. It's a new store calls Na Hoku. It's jewelry of the islands. I probably took a good 45 minutes to look at everything they have in that store. Eric and I agree, this is our jewelry store. I honestly don't want to get anything from another store. All the pieces were so beautiful. I want a necklace that is a mama sea turtle with baby sea turtle attached. Not to mention, so many more earrings, rings, bracelets, and necklaces. I don't know how I could ever wear all of it, but I would try. I have never been one to wear a lot of jewelry because I could never find much that I liked. But this store has everything that I love!

After the mall we had dinner at The Yard House. As always, Eric and I ordered off the appetizer menu because even the appetizers are big enough to be real meals. We didn't know until the end of dinner, but all Mothers got a free dessert today for Mother's Day. I ended up with a chocolate soufflé with vanilla ice cream. I thought they knew I wanted it to go but was happy they brought it to me on the plate because it was decorated with a message on the plate that said "Cheers To Mom!" I had a few bites then packaged it up, payed the bill and off we went to come home to relax some more and to bed early for all of us.

 He actually gave me a kiss at dinner!!!

The only problem I had all day was my stiff neck. I started to get it yesterday and woke up with a very stiff/kinked neck this morning. The massage chairs at the nail salon helped a little, but it still hurts like crazy. Heat and ice it is and a little massaging. Now, off to sleepy land as I have a very early morning. To all my mommy friends and family out there, whether human or fur or feather or scales, Happy Mother's Day!

Mommy Has Cancer

Ever since Wednesday, August 19, 2015 I have had these thoughts, these questions to myself, going through my brain. Those questions being "How will I tell Brandon I have cancer?". "When do I tell him I have cancer?" "How will I know when it's time to tell him his mommy has cancer and he helped find it?"

Here it is, almost two years later and I still do not know the answers to those questions. I know now isn't the time. Brandon is much too young to understand it. He knows and comprehends food, play, toys, bedtime, bath, etc. Simple things. But, it doesn't mean I don't think about those questions.

I imagine the way we will tell him is when he starts to ask why mommy has to take so many pills. Or, why mommy always goes to the doctor. Or even why mommy has to be careful about what she does. Why mommy sometimes can't carry him and why her back hurts her so much. I imagine that Eric and I will sit Brandon down. We will probably start by saying something like "Mommy takes all those pills because she is sick." Of course, he will think it's because I have a tummy ache or a cough or something like that. How we explain further is beyond me.

As it is, when I take my medicine I see him. He watches me. He points to my little bowl on the counter and makes his sound "Ehh?" A question. It's like he's asking me what they are already. Then, there's the times when he just wants me to stand up and hold him. Walking around the living room and kitchen or outside while he points and makes the sounds like he's asking questions about everything. Or pointing at pictures on the walls as if to say it's mommy and daddy in the pictures. But I can't stay holding him while standing for long periods of times sometimes. I have to sit and then he throws a small tantrum. Eventually he calms down. There's also those times when he wants me to chase him around the house. But I can only do it for so long before I have to sit and relax.

My cancer has eaten away at my spine. At a few of my vertebra. That is what makes it so hard to hold Brandon for long periods of time. I hate that my cancer has done that. It's taken away my ability to carry my son for long periods of time. I do what I can. Sometimes I push myself too far. Too much. But I don't want Brandon to feel like I am neglecting him. That I don't love him. Being young, he doesn't understand what it is I am going through. But I know that I give him all the attention I can with all my free time. I know he feels loved and knows he is loved because of the way he looks at me. Because of the way he gives me hugs. The way he blows me kisses when I leave for work.

I imagine in 5-10 years Eric and I will be sitting down to answer, to the best we can, all of Brandon's questions. Hopefully I will still be in remission and we won't have to be going to the doctor so much. I know I will be taking certain pills for the rest of my life. So he will have those questions. I guess I have years to figure out what to tell Brandon. To figure out how we will approach what he asks us. But it doesn't mean I won't keep wondering how we will tell him mommy has cancer.

11 Months Later Update

Today I had a follow up appointment with my Kaiser Oncologist. I guess this could be considered my 11 month post SCT check up. Since going back to work, it's been just me going to these appointments. Eric has stayed home or been at work when I have them and Brandon has been at day care. Today was different. Eric was off work and I was home because I have an upper respiratory infection and my doctor wanted me off work to rest for a few days. Eric decided he wanted to come with me to this appointment. Then, late last night, he had the idea to keep Brandon home from day care and bring him with us since everybody there at the Oncology department would LOVE to see him. They have watched him grow and develop in person and in pictures. Really, for the first almost year of his life, we spend every week there for my treatments. The staff in the Oncology department are his extended family. They've known him since before he was born.

So, this morning we all got up and dressed and ready to go to my appointment. We get there and Kathy, one of the receptionists who is the grandma to Brandon's "girlfriend", was so excited when she saw him. I watched her and she had to do a double take. It was kind of funny. Then Jo saw him and was excited also. We waited to be called back and the nurse Kristine came to get us. Unfortunately we didn't have Kellie today. So sad we missed her. And I'm sure she is really sad she missed us. While I was getting weighed and my blood pressure and temperature taken, nurses would come by and notice Brandon and be so surprised to see him. Some couldn't believe how big he was getting.

We were finally in the room waiting for Dr. H and Brandon was playing in the hall. Dr. H came up and saw him first and was commenting on how big he has gotten and saying hello to him. We all came into the room and Dr. H did my once over exam to listen to my heart and lungs and check my stomach. He asked me how I was feeling and I said I was feeling good. Then, he said everything is looking excellent. There is barely any bad protein to be detected. If any at all. And that all my labs are looking great! He hasn't said the words, but this means I am basically in complete response. A form of remission. My appointments with Dr. H go so fast because there really isn't anything to discuss. They are basically to make sure I am doing well and feeling ok. He did mention that we may be cutting back on the Zometa. That's the IV drug to help build up my bones. Instead of once every month, I'd be getting it once every three months. Too bad it wasn't the chemo we were going to be cutting back on. But that will come in time.

So, after todays appointment, I feel even better. I am still sick. I still have some bad proteins in my body, but I am basically cancer free for the time being. I am healthy and I am here. I have kicked cancers booty! And I will keep doing it.