Recently I have been doing a lot of thinking. Unfortunately, it's negative or sad thinking. About things that Multiple Myeloma has taken from me. The biggest one is something that women would understand more than men. This one is the ability to carry a baby.
I've bee thinking about it more lately because I have friends announcing their pregnancy with their first and another friend who has a daughter announced her second. Not that we were going to have another baby, but Multiple Myeloma has ripped any chance or possibility of that away from me.
Multiple Myeloma ripped child barring away from me. It was a reason why we had Brandon five weeks early by c-section. And, since I was already going to be open and I would be living with this cancer for the rest of my life while being on chemotherapy off and on, we decided to go ahead and have my tubes tied. I was already cut open. It would only take about two more minutes. So we opted to have my tubes tied. Instead of having Eric go in eventually have a vasectomy. The difference, the woman tubes being tied is not reversible. At the time I was ok with it. I am still ok with it, but part of me wishes I still had the option to have a second. Even if we weren't going to.
Because of Multiple Myeloma I have been undergoing chemotherapy for just over a year now. Because of that, my body is not a good place to bare a child. I have chemicals running through my blood now. Because of Multiple Myeloma, my body is toxic.
Because of Multiple Myeloma, in order to give me a longer life with Eric, Brandon and the rest of my family and friends I had a stem cell transplant. I didn't know this until the transplant process started back in May, but the transplant has put me into early menopause. I was 37 when I started menopause due to my stem cell transplant. Because of Multiple Myeloma, my body has shut down all capabilities of baring a child again. Even if I never had my tubes tied, because of Multiple Myeloma my body has shut down all reproductive capabilities.
Because of Multiple Myeloma I am sad and upset. Because Multiple Myeloma, I sometimes am depressed and feel less of a woman. I still consider myself young and Multiple Myeloma has taken away the one thing that makes a woman feel like a woman. I should be happy that I no longer have a menstrual cycle. I no longer bleed once a month. I am, but I am also sad that there is no chance ever of me carrying another child. Even if it wasn't for me and I was to be a surrogate for somebody who is not able to carry a baby, there is no chance that I can do that. Because of Multiple Myeloma, I have chemicals running through my body and my reproductive system has shut down. Because of Multiple Myeloma, I feel less of a woman. Because of Multiple Myeloma, I am no longer whole.
Because of Multiple Myeloma...I am depressed, but hide it.
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
Monday, December 26, 2016
Love/Hate With Weather
As the title of this post says, I have a love/hate relationship with the weather. Mainly the cold weather. I don't care much for hot weather. I'd rather it be a nice 60-70 degrees out. For the last month though, it's been in the 40-50 degree range...during the day. That's not the night time temperature. That's the daytime temperature. At night it's been in the 20-30 degree range.
Don't get me wrong, I love the cold weather. I love it because here where I live it is showing the season. We don't get snow at our elevation, but we get it not that far from us. But lately, it has felt like it might as well be snowing here. I love the cold weather, but what makes me hate it is my body. My poor, Multiple Myeloma brittle body. Ok, not really brittle, but my poor body does not like the cold anymore. The reason? The reason is because since my transplant, my joints hurt. My joints hurt so bad it's like I have arthritis. I am sure I really do now, but I haven't been checked out. Might as well be something I bring up to my doctor at my next visit. He may know if that's a side effect of my transplant, or if it's a side effect of my chemo. Good God I hope it's not the chemo. I, unlike most people, like the chemo I am on. I don't get sick, it's not another pill and it's a quick in and out of the infusion center with a shot. No sitting in the chair for a few hours at a time and no nausea. It's a nice break from before transplant and even the first 2 weeks following transplant.
The joint pain is so bad that even sleeping messes with it. Well, the relaxation part of sleeping. When you are resting/sleeping so well that your whole body relaxes. It makes my joints lock up and ache when I wake up and try to walk. We keep the bathroom door shut for two reasons in our bedroom. One, to keep the cold from the window out of the rest of the room and two, we have a toddler who likes to play with all that nasty dirty toilet utensils. You know, the plunger and the toilet bowl scrubber. He also likes to play with the toilet paper. So, when I wake up, whether it's the middle of the night or the morning, my hands are so stiff and tight I can barely grab the door knob to the toilet part of the bathroom to get in there. It's like trying to open a door while wearing mittens.
The only thing that seems to help my poor joints is warm or hot water. During the week when I get up for work I take a shower. I get the water so hot it would probably scald most people. But not me. It feels good. Honestly, it makes me not want to get out of the shower. But, I muck up the discipline to get my shower done and get out. As long as my joints are feeling better, I am good for a few hours. Then I get to work at the warhorse we work in and I am freezing again. I will sometimes wear fingerless gloves so I can at least keep most of my hands warm. I might have to start bringing my hand warmers I got from the oncology department. They work so well. Basically, they are homemade packs that are cloth filled with rice you put in the microwave to warm up. You put them in your pockets and they keep your hands warm. We have bigger bags like that for our feet in bed. One is filled with corn and the other with cherry pits. I'll tell ya, those things are toasty and really help. On days off I will take a bath in the morning to really soak help my whole body relax and my joints to warm up and stop aching. Problem is, it's been so cold that I am not getting warm water in the tub. The temperature is more of the temperature for Brandon when he takes his baths. The temperature barely loosens up my joints. Then, I get out and they start to tighten up again. It happened this morning. My night time baths are fine. The water can get really hot. But, I don't always get a bath at night. Brandon doesn't always allow it. And by doesn't allow it, I mean he fights sleep and I usually end up falling asleep at the same time as him. Which means I miss my bath time.
The other thing is that we are in a two story condo. I can turn the heater on and it mainly heats up the up stairs. Barely gets the downstairs warm. Thats where turning on the oven to cook dinner or even lunch comes in handy. At least the oven will warm up the downstairs. I wish we had a fireplace. I know, odd to say with a toddler running around, but I really do. At least then that would heat up the downstairs. Maybe even one of those electric ones. The ones you buy in the store and have to plug in. I know some of those heat up a room pretty well. And that's another thing. All this cold weather that's making us have our heater up higher than usual is making our gas and electric bill go higher this year. I even bundle up and I am still cold. Sweats, sweatshirt, socks, Uggs or furry slippers, and a fleece blanket when I downstairs. In bed it's flannel sheets and an electric fleece blanket on top of that. Although, the blanket itself is warm enough. I don't have it plugged in and turned on. Then I have the warmth of Eric and Brandon in bed with me.
So, yes, I have a love/hate relationship with this cold weather we have been having. I love it because you bundle up, drink hot chocolate and it shows that it really is winter. I hate it because my body now hates it. My body is basically old and brittle. Multiple Myeloma has taken away something I love. The cold. It's made it so my body doesn't want to cooperate. Even typing my posts hurt my hands. That's something else all together. My left hand now has carpal tunnel. I had CTS surgery a few years ago on my right hand so it's ok, but the transplant has caused me to have it develop in my left hand. The joys of Multiple Myeloma and a transplant. All things not making git easy to mom. But I do it anyways. He needs me, and I will not let him down.
Don't get me wrong, I love the cold weather. I love it because here where I live it is showing the season. We don't get snow at our elevation, but we get it not that far from us. But lately, it has felt like it might as well be snowing here. I love the cold weather, but what makes me hate it is my body. My poor, Multiple Myeloma brittle body. Ok, not really brittle, but my poor body does not like the cold anymore. The reason? The reason is because since my transplant, my joints hurt. My joints hurt so bad it's like I have arthritis. I am sure I really do now, but I haven't been checked out. Might as well be something I bring up to my doctor at my next visit. He may know if that's a side effect of my transplant, or if it's a side effect of my chemo. Good God I hope it's not the chemo. I, unlike most people, like the chemo I am on. I don't get sick, it's not another pill and it's a quick in and out of the infusion center with a shot. No sitting in the chair for a few hours at a time and no nausea. It's a nice break from before transplant and even the first 2 weeks following transplant.
The joint pain is so bad that even sleeping messes with it. Well, the relaxation part of sleeping. When you are resting/sleeping so well that your whole body relaxes. It makes my joints lock up and ache when I wake up and try to walk. We keep the bathroom door shut for two reasons in our bedroom. One, to keep the cold from the window out of the rest of the room and two, we have a toddler who likes to play with all that nasty dirty toilet utensils. You know, the plunger and the toilet bowl scrubber. He also likes to play with the toilet paper. So, when I wake up, whether it's the middle of the night or the morning, my hands are so stiff and tight I can barely grab the door knob to the toilet part of the bathroom to get in there. It's like trying to open a door while wearing mittens.
The only thing that seems to help my poor joints is warm or hot water. During the week when I get up for work I take a shower. I get the water so hot it would probably scald most people. But not me. It feels good. Honestly, it makes me not want to get out of the shower. But, I muck up the discipline to get my shower done and get out. As long as my joints are feeling better, I am good for a few hours. Then I get to work at the warhorse we work in and I am freezing again. I will sometimes wear fingerless gloves so I can at least keep most of my hands warm. I might have to start bringing my hand warmers I got from the oncology department. They work so well. Basically, they are homemade packs that are cloth filled with rice you put in the microwave to warm up. You put them in your pockets and they keep your hands warm. We have bigger bags like that for our feet in bed. One is filled with corn and the other with cherry pits. I'll tell ya, those things are toasty and really help. On days off I will take a bath in the morning to really soak help my whole body relax and my joints to warm up and stop aching. Problem is, it's been so cold that I am not getting warm water in the tub. The temperature is more of the temperature for Brandon when he takes his baths. The temperature barely loosens up my joints. Then, I get out and they start to tighten up again. It happened this morning. My night time baths are fine. The water can get really hot. But, I don't always get a bath at night. Brandon doesn't always allow it. And by doesn't allow it, I mean he fights sleep and I usually end up falling asleep at the same time as him. Which means I miss my bath time.
The other thing is that we are in a two story condo. I can turn the heater on and it mainly heats up the up stairs. Barely gets the downstairs warm. Thats where turning on the oven to cook dinner or even lunch comes in handy. At least the oven will warm up the downstairs. I wish we had a fireplace. I know, odd to say with a toddler running around, but I really do. At least then that would heat up the downstairs. Maybe even one of those electric ones. The ones you buy in the store and have to plug in. I know some of those heat up a room pretty well. And that's another thing. All this cold weather that's making us have our heater up higher than usual is making our gas and electric bill go higher this year. I even bundle up and I am still cold. Sweats, sweatshirt, socks, Uggs or furry slippers, and a fleece blanket when I downstairs. In bed it's flannel sheets and an electric fleece blanket on top of that. Although, the blanket itself is warm enough. I don't have it plugged in and turned on. Then I have the warmth of Eric and Brandon in bed with me.
So, yes, I have a love/hate relationship with this cold weather we have been having. I love it because you bundle up, drink hot chocolate and it shows that it really is winter. I hate it because my body now hates it. My body is basically old and brittle. Multiple Myeloma has taken away something I love. The cold. It's made it so my body doesn't want to cooperate. Even typing my posts hurt my hands. That's something else all together. My left hand now has carpal tunnel. I had CTS surgery a few years ago on my right hand so it's ok, but the transplant has caused me to have it develop in my left hand. The joys of Multiple Myeloma and a transplant. All things not making git easy to mom. But I do it anyways. He needs me, and I will not let him down.
Sunday, December 25, 2016
Christmas
This was my second Christmas living with Multiple Myeloma. Last year was full of uncertainties. We really didn't know anything other than that my chemotherapy treatments were working. Last year was our first Christmas as a family of three (five when you count the dogs). As scared as I was for the future with the unknown, I was excited for the new adventure with this little man we fell in love with before we even met him. This Christmas Brandon was a lot more active. He still wasn't sure what to make of everything but was excited to get some of his gifts. I'm sure he was least excited about the clothes. I also think he was a little overwhelmed over all of the gifts. Not being sure what to make of them all and how to open them all. Next week we may have an idea of starting to open them a few days before Christmas. Make it less overwhelming.
This Christmas was a little easier on me. I know a little more about my cancer. I have had my stem cell transplant and am doing well. So well, my doctors are very happy with my results and I don't have to see my Stanford doctor for six months. I still see my Kaiser doctor ever two months or so, but I am on chemotherapy still with him. Don't get me wrong, I am still scared. My cancer can decide tomorrow that it doesn't like the chemo I am on and decide to show it's ugly head again. That's the thing about Multiple Myeloma. It can become so used to a drug, it can mutate to make that drug not work. Which would mean I would have to try a different chemo drug. Luckily, that's not happening right now.
Having this cancer makes me appreciate things a little bit more. Because of Multiple Myeloma, I know that tomorrow is not guaranteed. I can get sick and an infection and if I don't get the right help right away, it can take me away from everybody I love. I hate to admit it, but I always have that thought in the back of my head. It never goes away. Lately, hearing of a few people in my online support groups passing because they got sepsis or something from getting sick has been hard. Then, there is my friend Maggie. I haven't met her in person, but we have a friendship that started on Instagram. She had her transplant over a year ago and six months later MM decided to come back. But, she is fighting hard and is on a new chemo treatment that from what I know, is working. She will hopefully only have a few more cycles.
One thing that keeps me going is thinking positive. I do have negative thoughts too. It happens in the fight against cancer. But, I believe having a positive attitude most of the time and an "I will fight" motto helps. I believe it helped my friend Kristy with her fight against breast cancer and I believe it is what is helping me keep going with my fight against MM. One thing I say also is, "I have cancer, cancer doesn't have me". The other thing that helps me get through the day to day is the amazing support from my family and friends. I may not say it enough, but I am thankful for each and every one of you. Just asking how I am doing or feeling helps. It shows you care. There was once a time I didn't think I had many friends. I know I have my few close friends, but then MM hit and I found who my true friends are and who cares. You all came out of the dark of our everyday hustle and bustle lives and helped in your own little way. Calls, texts, letters, e-mails, etc. Everything has helped me in my fight. My ongoing fight.
I joke that I never do anything half assed. So, leave it to me to get a cancer that has no cure. That's mainly/usually in elderly black males 60 and older. That eats away at your bones making it harder for me to do the things I love. And all while pregnant. Of course I couldn't have a regular "normal" pregnancy. Especially after having two miscarriages. I just wish I could catch a break sometimes. Let me have a regular life. Free of having to take medication everyday. Free of the pain (I have arthritis like pain throughout all my joints now). Free of having the fear that MM will strike and show it's ugly head again and I will have to undergo rigorous chemo again and possibly another transplant. It's not uncommon for that to happen.
So, this Christmas I have reflected on what I've been through over the last year. I am thankful for everybody in my life. Everybody who has been there through the treatments. Through the transplant. Through the ups and downs. Cancer is no fun. I wish there was a cure for ALL cancers. I wish there was NO cancer. But, there is. And all we can do it fight!
This Christmas was a little easier on me. I know a little more about my cancer. I have had my stem cell transplant and am doing well. So well, my doctors are very happy with my results and I don't have to see my Stanford doctor for six months. I still see my Kaiser doctor ever two months or so, but I am on chemotherapy still with him. Don't get me wrong, I am still scared. My cancer can decide tomorrow that it doesn't like the chemo I am on and decide to show it's ugly head again. That's the thing about Multiple Myeloma. It can become so used to a drug, it can mutate to make that drug not work. Which would mean I would have to try a different chemo drug. Luckily, that's not happening right now.
Having this cancer makes me appreciate things a little bit more. Because of Multiple Myeloma, I know that tomorrow is not guaranteed. I can get sick and an infection and if I don't get the right help right away, it can take me away from everybody I love. I hate to admit it, but I always have that thought in the back of my head. It never goes away. Lately, hearing of a few people in my online support groups passing because they got sepsis or something from getting sick has been hard. Then, there is my friend Maggie. I haven't met her in person, but we have a friendship that started on Instagram. She had her transplant over a year ago and six months later MM decided to come back. But, she is fighting hard and is on a new chemo treatment that from what I know, is working. She will hopefully only have a few more cycles.
One thing that keeps me going is thinking positive. I do have negative thoughts too. It happens in the fight against cancer. But, I believe having a positive attitude most of the time and an "I will fight" motto helps. I believe it helped my friend Kristy with her fight against breast cancer and I believe it is what is helping me keep going with my fight against MM. One thing I say also is, "I have cancer, cancer doesn't have me". The other thing that helps me get through the day to day is the amazing support from my family and friends. I may not say it enough, but I am thankful for each and every one of you. Just asking how I am doing or feeling helps. It shows you care. There was once a time I didn't think I had many friends. I know I have my few close friends, but then MM hit and I found who my true friends are and who cares. You all came out of the dark of our everyday hustle and bustle lives and helped in your own little way. Calls, texts, letters, e-mails, etc. Everything has helped me in my fight. My ongoing fight.
I joke that I never do anything half assed. So, leave it to me to get a cancer that has no cure. That's mainly/usually in elderly black males 60 and older. That eats away at your bones making it harder for me to do the things I love. And all while pregnant. Of course I couldn't have a regular "normal" pregnancy. Especially after having two miscarriages. I just wish I could catch a break sometimes. Let me have a regular life. Free of having to take medication everyday. Free of the pain (I have arthritis like pain throughout all my joints now). Free of having the fear that MM will strike and show it's ugly head again and I will have to undergo rigorous chemo again and possibly another transplant. It's not uncommon for that to happen.
So, this Christmas I have reflected on what I've been through over the last year. I am thankful for everybody in my life. Everybody who has been there through the treatments. Through the transplant. Through the ups and downs. Cancer is no fun. I wish there was a cure for ALL cancers. I wish there was NO cancer. But, there is. And all we can do it fight!
Saturday, December 10, 2016
Vertebroplasty Part 3
I've been able to "test" out my new back for 5 days now. Still, no bone pain. It's amazing how fast that went away. Immediately. Immediately the bone pain went away. The pain I did have which I've spoken about is the soreness from the actual procedure. Like being hit in a fight and being bruised. Not that I've ever been in a fight. I just figure that's how it would feel. That pain only lasted about a day or so. I know by Wednesday I was feeling great!
One thing I have noticed is a different pain. This pain I have had before. Back when I was heavier than I have ever been. It's actually a weakness kind of pain. Before I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, I was getting to be in some pretty good shape. Something I hadn't been in, in a long time. I was working out 5 days a week and eating healthy. I still eat decently, but I am not as careful as I could be. I know portion control. And honestly, I can't eat as much as I once used to. I was definitely eating more before my diagnosis, but then again, I was pregnant AND working out 5 days a week. I was so healthy, only gaining about 10 pounds my whole pregnancy. Then came my diagnosis and my doctor telling me after having 2 different MRI's, that I was to only walk for any kind of exercise as I had compression fractures. It was then that I realized the pain I was in wasn't a sciatica or just from being pregnant, it was something deeper. It was the compression fractures my doctor just told me I had. Bone pain.
It's hard to describe bone pain. It's a pain. A really bad pain. Almost debilitating at times. I would walk, like my doctor told me I could. Eric and I would go to the mall and Target and just walk. Especially after Brandon came along. But this bone pain I had from my compression fractures was scary. In order to do any long walks like we used to I would have to hold on to something. Before Brandon came, we would just stop walking and go home so I could relax. After, we would want to stay out of the house since we were cooped up. So, I would have to be the one pushing the stroller. I needed assistance walking. There were a lot of times I would use my cane. Yes, I have a cane. That is how bad the bone pain was that I had. I had to use objects to help me walk. At one point Kellie, our nurse with my oncologist, offered to have him write me a prescription for a walker. The cane or stroller were fine though, so I declined. I could hold Brandon but not for very long while standing. I would have to sit after about 5 or 10 minutes of standing with him. That is how bad my bone pain from the compression fractures were.
Now, back to the different pain I have now, after this cementing procedure. The pain I have now is a weakness. A weakness of my core muscles all around. Front and back, but mostly back. It's worse in the morning. When I've been resting it in my sleep and wake up. It's something that even a hot shower can't help, unlike the arthritis pain I have which the shower does help. No, this weakness pain almost brings me to my knees. I need to now get back to working out. To strengthen my core. I personally want to start with my Piyo workout dvd's I have, but Eric thinks they may be too much to start off with. He might be right, but I never do anything easy. When I went into the working out from my heaviest I had ever been, I started with Focus T25 from Shaun T with Beachbody. At least Piyo (also a Beachbody workout) is not as intense. It's a great stretching workout combining yoga and pilates. I think it would be a good workout to start with and then move on to my T25 again.
So, basically, I do have some pain, but this is a fixable pain with a little hard work. It's not something a doctor can fix with a surgery or some kind of a procedure to fix a problem. This pain will go away. As soon as I get up off my butt and get moving and working out again. Now, to find the time when Brandon will allow me to do it. Until then, I will make sure I don't over exert myself in the mornings and let my body "wake up" or "warm up" before I do anything like picking Brandon up from a standing position where I need to bend over. I'll do it from a sitting position. Later in the day I will be fine, I just have to be careful in the morning. I'm still happy with the cementing procedure. I would do it again if I needed to.
Mid day and no pain holding him
One thing I have noticed is a different pain. This pain I have had before. Back when I was heavier than I have ever been. It's actually a weakness kind of pain. Before I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, I was getting to be in some pretty good shape. Something I hadn't been in, in a long time. I was working out 5 days a week and eating healthy. I still eat decently, but I am not as careful as I could be. I know portion control. And honestly, I can't eat as much as I once used to. I was definitely eating more before my diagnosis, but then again, I was pregnant AND working out 5 days a week. I was so healthy, only gaining about 10 pounds my whole pregnancy. Then came my diagnosis and my doctor telling me after having 2 different MRI's, that I was to only walk for any kind of exercise as I had compression fractures. It was then that I realized the pain I was in wasn't a sciatica or just from being pregnant, it was something deeper. It was the compression fractures my doctor just told me I had. Bone pain.
Using a carrier for the first time in over 6 months
It's hard to describe bone pain. It's a pain. A really bad pain. Almost debilitating at times. I would walk, like my doctor told me I could. Eric and I would go to the mall and Target and just walk. Especially after Brandon came along. But this bone pain I had from my compression fractures was scary. In order to do any long walks like we used to I would have to hold on to something. Before Brandon came, we would just stop walking and go home so I could relax. After, we would want to stay out of the house since we were cooped up. So, I would have to be the one pushing the stroller. I needed assistance walking. There were a lot of times I would use my cane. Yes, I have a cane. That is how bad the bone pain was that I had. I had to use objects to help me walk. At one point Kellie, our nurse with my oncologist, offered to have him write me a prescription for a walker. The cane or stroller were fine though, so I declined. I could hold Brandon but not for very long while standing. I would have to sit after about 5 or 10 minutes of standing with him. That is how bad my bone pain from the compression fractures were.
He calmed down when I broke out the carrier
Now, back to the different pain I have now, after this cementing procedure. The pain I have now is a weakness. A weakness of my core muscles all around. Front and back, but mostly back. It's worse in the morning. When I've been resting it in my sleep and wake up. It's something that even a hot shower can't help, unlike the arthritis pain I have which the shower does help. No, this weakness pain almost brings me to my knees. I need to now get back to working out. To strengthen my core. I personally want to start with my Piyo workout dvd's I have, but Eric thinks they may be too much to start off with. He might be right, but I never do anything easy. When I went into the working out from my heaviest I had ever been, I started with Focus T25 from Shaun T with Beachbody. At least Piyo (also a Beachbody workout) is not as intense. It's a great stretching workout combining yoga and pilates. I think it would be a good workout to start with and then move on to my T25 again.
So, basically, I do have some pain, but this is a fixable pain with a little hard work. It's not something a doctor can fix with a surgery or some kind of a procedure to fix a problem. This pain will go away. As soon as I get up off my butt and get moving and working out again. Now, to find the time when Brandon will allow me to do it. Until then, I will make sure I don't over exert myself in the mornings and let my body "wake up" or "warm up" before I do anything like picking Brandon up from a standing position where I need to bend over. I'll do it from a sitting position. Later in the day I will be fine, I just have to be careful in the morning. I'm still happy with the cementing procedure. I would do it again if I needed to.
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
My Hair - A Year In the Life
This post is mainly pictures. Pictures of how my hair has been in the last year. From having hair that was longer than it's been in a long time, to an amazing style by my amazing friend Colleen in which I would love to do again, to shaving it all off as it started to fall out, then no hair/bald head, to it growing back, and now the crazy curly mess it is...if I don't put product in it. So, here we go.
Oh! And most people are saying they love my hair this short. Honestly, it's not bad, but I prefer a little more hair. Especially this winter since it's been so cold. I need more beanies!!!
Here's the "Year In the Life" (I took that from Gilmore Girls) of my hair!!
Oh! And most people are saying they love my hair this short. Honestly, it's not bad, but I prefer a little more hair. Especially this winter since it's been so cold. I need more beanies!!!
Here's the "Year In the Life" (I took that from Gilmore Girls) of my hair!!
My hair hadn't been this long in a while - December 2015
I had it cut short, but didn't know what kind of hair cut to do yet - March 2016
My amazing haircut I love so much - May 2016
May 2016
May 2016
Had to shave it since it was falling out anyways - May 2016
Another of it shaved - May 2016
It's coming out a lot more - May 2016
It's gone, and before we had to go back to Stanford - May 2016
Baldness at it's best - June 2016
It's coming back, almost looks like when I shaved it - August 2016
A little bit more coming in - September 2016
My hair now, if I don't put any gel in it - December 2016
And, when I do "tame" it with gel - December 2016
Eric said a few days ago that I have two "duck tails" growing in the back of my head. Where it dips down on either side of my head. I am not cutting my hair until I have more of it. I am afraid of losing my curls I have come to love. My hair was always really straight and you would have to use a full can (ok, a little exaggeration there) of hair spray just to get the curls I did try to stay for even a few hours. Now, I have a head full of what is also known as the "chemo curl". I hope that I can keep a little curl as it grows out and when I cut it. But, if I don't, then I will just deal with it and know I enjoyed having curls for a short time.
Now, to see how long it will get before I decide to actually cut and style it. I'm sure soon it's going to be unruly for me and I will be calling my amazing friend Colleen to help me figure something cute and sassy to do with it. Until then, I will keep putting gel in my hair to tame it and enjoy my "chemo curls".
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
Vertebroplasty, Part 2
Well, last week I wrote about the procedure and that I would be having it done on Monday the 5th. Today is the day after the procedure. And I'll tell ya, I feel AMAZING! Other than the bruising like pain, but that will go away.
Yesterday I woke up at 7:30am just so I could take my medication. I was told I couldn't eat anything after midnight and I could have clear liquids up until 8am. So, I woke up and drank a lot of water and took my 4 medicines. Then I started to get ready for the day. I took a long hot shower as I took my last soaking bubble bath for a while the night before. I knew that I wanted to wear comfy clothes and what came to mind was my Lularoe leggings, Carly dress (a big loose dress you can accessorize any way you want) and a Joy vest just because. After I got dressed, still letting Brandon and Eric sleep a little, I took care of Kahlua. Took her outside, got her fed and watered. While she ate, it was time to get Eric and Brandon up. Brandon was going to be going to day care for the day and grandpa Bill was going to pick him up for us, since we didn't know how long we would be. Brandon wakes up so happy. It's crazy since he can be grumpy in the middle of the night when he wakes up on his own and wants a bottle. But come morning, he will wake up smiling and happy and sometimes giggly. I got him dressed and took him downstairs so I could feed him before day care. Of course, after he was done eating and as I asked Eric if he wanted me to drop him off, he decides to give me a nasty diaper. So, he made us a little late to day care, but that was ok. I dropped him off and was giving Kourtney information and as I started to walk towards the door, Brandon decided he was to go with me. Kourtney had to grab him and hug him so I could leave. There were no tears, just the want to go with mommy.
I got back to the house, Eric had breakfast and we were off to exchange an item we got at a store and then off to the hospital for my procedure. As the time got closer, I wasn't just excited, but I was nervous at the same time. I think I was nervous about the possible pain (which I know would be nothing compared to the pain was dealing with on a day to day basis already) and the possibility that the cement could go where it shouldn't go and get in my bloodstream that goes to my lungs. All of which are probable but not necessarily possible. We sat, waiting to be admitted. Really, to check me in. After I was all checked in, we waited a few minutes for my nurse and then she took us down to the basement where the procedure would take place. I should say, this wasn't at the regular Kaiser hospital we go to in Roseville. This took place at the older Kaiser hospital in Sacramento. So, a lot of procedure rooms and doctors offices are in the basement. I got changed into my hospital gown and got my hair net thing on and my nurse started to take my pulse, temperature and blood pressure. After that was all done, she got my IV started. Where I would get fluid and the medicine to help kind of knock me out. She went to get the doctor so he could explain the procedure. He came in, explained what he was going to do and what the side effects could be. He also showed us my MRI from not long ago which showed the vertebrae that was going to get the cement. It was my L2. You can see the difference in that vertebra compared to the rest. It's almost like it was disintegrated. Eric got a picture for me since I had already given him my purse with phone in it to take with him while I had the procedure done.
Finally, Eric was to leave and go and wait for me and my nurse took me back into the procedure room. As I got in there, I was asked what kind of music I liked. I mentioned the 80's and 90's and mentioned a few artists. We started with Journey. To be honest, the last part of a song I remember is Journey "Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world. Took the midnight train going anywhere". After that, I just remember the hammering. I had gotten the happy juice. The juice that helped me stay calm through it all. I wasn't totally out. I was able to hear what was going on but not necessarily the music through the whole procedure. I could even feel some of it, but not the painful stuff. I could feel the pressure of the doctor hammering into my back, but because of the local anesthetic, it wasn't painful. Honestly, it felt like the whole procedure took about 10 minutes and then I was done and being wheeled into the recovery room.
The nurse called Eric to come back down so I could be discharged and the doctor came in and showed me the difference in the MRI's. Basically, the before and the after. It's amazing the difference in my vertebrae. Although, it may look like it would give me some height back, the procedure does not do that. Too bad. Guess I will be 5'4" from now on. All I can do is stand tall and make myself look taller. Hehe! I will say, I didn't feel any bone pain at this point. The only thing I felt at this point was the bandage. It felt/feels weird where it's at. It will stay there for a while. I was told I could shower but I could not take a bath for a while, until the small hole has healed up where the needle went in to put the cement in my back.
On the drive home, the only discomfort I had was the bandage on my back. We got home, and as the night went on, my back slowly started to hurt. Not the bone pain I had before, but the soreness pain from the procedure. The soreness really hit around 10pm. That was once the local anesthetic really wore off. So, all night I was in pain. The different pain. When the nurse called this morning to check on me, I described the pain and she said that's the right pain. It's kind of like being in a fight and having bruises. Like a bruising pain. Not the bone pain I once had. So much better. Eric gave me one of my pain meds before he took Brandon to day care this morning and I was able to finally sleep some. When I woke up at about 12:30 or so, the bruising pain ad gone down and there is still no bone pain. I almost feel like it's too good to be true. All of this. That the pain will be back tomorrow or something. I need to remember, it's fixed, for now. Yes, it can come back in a few years, but for now the bone pain is gone and I will be able to live a normal life again.
Now, off to get cleaned up and make a run to Target before I go and get Brandon from day care. I can make a delicious dinner tonight and not hurt while making it. I can do the dishes and clean up afterwards and not be in pain. I can be a normal human being again. And for that, I am grateful.
Comfy Lularoe outfit for the day
Yesterday I woke up at 7:30am just so I could take my medication. I was told I couldn't eat anything after midnight and I could have clear liquids up until 8am. So, I woke up and drank a lot of water and took my 4 medicines. Then I started to get ready for the day. I took a long hot shower as I took my last soaking bubble bath for a while the night before. I knew that I wanted to wear comfy clothes and what came to mind was my Lularoe leggings, Carly dress (a big loose dress you can accessorize any way you want) and a Joy vest just because. After I got dressed, still letting Brandon and Eric sleep a little, I took care of Kahlua. Took her outside, got her fed and watered. While she ate, it was time to get Eric and Brandon up. Brandon was going to be going to day care for the day and grandpa Bill was going to pick him up for us, since we didn't know how long we would be. Brandon wakes up so happy. It's crazy since he can be grumpy in the middle of the night when he wakes up on his own and wants a bottle. But come morning, he will wake up smiling and happy and sometimes giggly. I got him dressed and took him downstairs so I could feed him before day care. Of course, after he was done eating and as I asked Eric if he wanted me to drop him off, he decides to give me a nasty diaper. So, he made us a little late to day care, but that was ok. I dropped him off and was giving Kourtney information and as I started to walk towards the door, Brandon decided he was to go with me. Kourtney had to grab him and hug him so I could leave. There were no tears, just the want to go with mommy.
In my hospital gown
Sleepy hubby
Our typical hospital selfie
I got back to the house, Eric had breakfast and we were off to exchange an item we got at a store and then off to the hospital for my procedure. As the time got closer, I wasn't just excited, but I was nervous at the same time. I think I was nervous about the possible pain (which I know would be nothing compared to the pain was dealing with on a day to day basis already) and the possibility that the cement could go where it shouldn't go and get in my bloodstream that goes to my lungs. All of which are probable but not necessarily possible. We sat, waiting to be admitted. Really, to check me in. After I was all checked in, we waited a few minutes for my nurse and then she took us down to the basement where the procedure would take place. I should say, this wasn't at the regular Kaiser hospital we go to in Roseville. This took place at the older Kaiser hospital in Sacramento. So, a lot of procedure rooms and doctors offices are in the basement. I got changed into my hospital gown and got my hair net thing on and my nurse started to take my pulse, temperature and blood pressure. After that was all done, she got my IV started. Where I would get fluid and the medicine to help kind of knock me out. She went to get the doctor so he could explain the procedure. He came in, explained what he was going to do and what the side effects could be. He also showed us my MRI from not long ago which showed the vertebrae that was going to get the cement. It was my L2. You can see the difference in that vertebra compared to the rest. It's almost like it was disintegrated. Eric got a picture for me since I had already given him my purse with phone in it to take with him while I had the procedure done.
My back, before
Finally, Eric was to leave and go and wait for me and my nurse took me back into the procedure room. As I got in there, I was asked what kind of music I liked. I mentioned the 80's and 90's and mentioned a few artists. We started with Journey. To be honest, the last part of a song I remember is Journey "Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world. Took the midnight train going anywhere". After that, I just remember the hammering. I had gotten the happy juice. The juice that helped me stay calm through it all. I wasn't totally out. I was able to hear what was going on but not necessarily the music through the whole procedure. I could even feel some of it, but not the painful stuff. I could feel the pressure of the doctor hammering into my back, but because of the local anesthetic, it wasn't painful. Honestly, it felt like the whole procedure took about 10 minutes and then I was done and being wheeled into the recovery room.
My back before and after, before on left, after on right
The nurse called Eric to come back down so I could be discharged and the doctor came in and showed me the difference in the MRI's. Basically, the before and the after. It's amazing the difference in my vertebrae. Although, it may look like it would give me some height back, the procedure does not do that. Too bad. Guess I will be 5'4" from now on. All I can do is stand tall and make myself look taller. Hehe! I will say, I didn't feel any bone pain at this point. The only thing I felt at this point was the bandage. It felt/feels weird where it's at. It will stay there for a while. I was told I could shower but I could not take a bath for a while, until the small hole has healed up where the needle went in to put the cement in my back.
On the drive home, the only discomfort I had was the bandage on my back. We got home, and as the night went on, my back slowly started to hurt. Not the bone pain I had before, but the soreness pain from the procedure. The soreness really hit around 10pm. That was once the local anesthetic really wore off. So, all night I was in pain. The different pain. When the nurse called this morning to check on me, I described the pain and she said that's the right pain. It's kind of like being in a fight and having bruises. Like a bruising pain. Not the bone pain I once had. So much better. Eric gave me one of my pain meds before he took Brandon to day care this morning and I was able to finally sleep some. When I woke up at about 12:30 or so, the bruising pain ad gone down and there is still no bone pain. I almost feel like it's too good to be true. All of this. That the pain will be back tomorrow or something. I need to remember, it's fixed, for now. Yes, it can come back in a few years, but for now the bone pain is gone and I will be able to live a normal life again.
Now, off to get cleaned up and make a run to Target before I go and get Brandon from day care. I can make a delicious dinner tonight and not hurt while making it. I can do the dishes and clean up afterwards and not be in pain. I can be a normal human being again. And for that, I am grateful.
Thursday, December 1, 2016
Vertebroplasty
Part of my Multiple Myeloma is having compression fractures in my spine. When I was diagnosed, I had an MRI which showed I had the compression fractures in T12 and my lumbar spine. A compression fracture is what occurs when one or more bones in the spine weaken and crumple. They are typically caused by a loss of bone mass (osteoporosis) that occurs as a part of aging. A fall, cough or lifting of a heavy object may cause a fracture of the back bones. In my case, my MM caused the fractures. All of the junk protein that was in my bone marrow was pushing out so much that it caused the fractures in my spine. Some symptoms of compression fractures are back pain, lost height and a hunched-forward posture. All of which I have. I used to be 5'6" tall. Since my diagnosis I have shrunk to about 5'4". I've lost a whole 2 inches because of my fractures.
Since my diagnosis, and after I gave birth to Brandon, I have been treating the pain with medication. I started with Tylenol 3 (with codeine), then to Dilauded (Hydromorphone) and more recently, extended release morphine. I have changed so much in what I take in the last year because my body would get used to a prescription and it wouldn't work anymore. At this time, I am on the morphine ER twice a day with the use of Dilauded as breakthrough pain. Basically, when the pain is so bad that just the morphine ER doesn't do the job. But, come Monday, all of that is going to change. Monday I will be having a procedure done on/in my spine that will take away all pain.
It is called Vertebroplasty. I learned about this procedure the beginning of October at a support group for patients and caregivers of Multiple Myeloma. A fellow patient who is about my age had it done and she raved about it. Said the only pain she had was the day of the procedure. So, I asked Dr. W at Stanford about it and he said it was a good idea to do it and he would suggest it to Dr. H at Kaiser. Not just that, but my nurse for Dr. H suggested I should do it. So, I sent Dr. H an e-mail saying I was interested in it and he sent the referral over. This has all happened in the matter of two weeks by the time I have the procedure done.
What is Vertebroplasty, you ask? Vertebroplasty is an outpatient procedure for stabilizing compression fractures in the spine. Bone cement is injected into back bones (vertebrae) that have cracked or broken, often because of osteoporosis. The cement hardens, stabilizing the fractures and supporting your spine. The cement instantly hardens. It is considered a minimally invasive surgical procedure because the procedure is done through a small puncture in the patients skin (as opposed to an open incision).
Vertebroplasty is treated with local anesthesia and light sedation usually in an x-ray suite or operating room on an outpatient basis. The procedure usually takes about one hour to complete. A biopsy needle is guided into the fractured vertebra under x-ray guidance through a small puncture in the skin. A specially formulated acrylic bone cement is injected under pressure directly into the fractured vertebra, filling the spaces within the bone - with the goal of creating a type of internal cast to stabilize the vertebral bone. The needle is removed and the cement hardens quickly, about 10 minutes, congealing the fragments of the fractured vertebra and stabilizing the bone. The skin puncture is then covered with a bandage. Shortly after the cement has hardened, I will be free to leave and go home.
I will be on bedrest for the first 24 hours. After that, I will be able to gradually increase activity. I may have some soreness for a few days from the puncture site but nothing a little ice pack can't fix. Typically, I should have about 90% or better reduction in pain in that first 24-48 hours with an increased ability to perform daily activities shortly thereafter. Recent study shows that a patient with compression fractures who undergoes a vertebroplasty procedure, can have relieved pain for up to at least three years afterwards.
For me, this procedure means being able to pick up and carry Brandon without any pain. It means being able to get on the ground and play with him. To chase him around with ease. Not only that, but I will be able to get back to my old workouts and not just walk for a workout. I will be able to cook more meals and help Eric with cleaning around the house a lot easier as I will not have the pain that comes from standing/walking for long periods of time. This procedure will basically give me my life back. Back to before I was diagnosed with MM and the compression fractures. I will be ME again. And I will get to enjoy Brandon a whole lot more than just sitting back and watching him grow. I will be more involved.
To say I am excited about this procedure is an understatement. I am ecstatic! It's been tough sleeping since I found out about this procedure. But I will get rest. I need to get rest before then, because afterwards and after my bedrest, I am sure I will be on the go with Brandon and Eric.
Since my diagnosis, and after I gave birth to Brandon, I have been treating the pain with medication. I started with Tylenol 3 (with codeine), then to Dilauded (Hydromorphone) and more recently, extended release morphine. I have changed so much in what I take in the last year because my body would get used to a prescription and it wouldn't work anymore. At this time, I am on the morphine ER twice a day with the use of Dilauded as breakthrough pain. Basically, when the pain is so bad that just the morphine ER doesn't do the job. But, come Monday, all of that is going to change. Monday I will be having a procedure done on/in my spine that will take away all pain.
It is called Vertebroplasty. I learned about this procedure the beginning of October at a support group for patients and caregivers of Multiple Myeloma. A fellow patient who is about my age had it done and she raved about it. Said the only pain she had was the day of the procedure. So, I asked Dr. W at Stanford about it and he said it was a good idea to do it and he would suggest it to Dr. H at Kaiser. Not just that, but my nurse for Dr. H suggested I should do it. So, I sent Dr. H an e-mail saying I was interested in it and he sent the referral over. This has all happened in the matter of two weeks by the time I have the procedure done.
What is Vertebroplasty, you ask? Vertebroplasty is an outpatient procedure for stabilizing compression fractures in the spine. Bone cement is injected into back bones (vertebrae) that have cracked or broken, often because of osteoporosis. The cement hardens, stabilizing the fractures and supporting your spine. The cement instantly hardens. It is considered a minimally invasive surgical procedure because the procedure is done through a small puncture in the patients skin (as opposed to an open incision).
Vertebroplasty is treated with local anesthesia and light sedation usually in an x-ray suite or operating room on an outpatient basis. The procedure usually takes about one hour to complete. A biopsy needle is guided into the fractured vertebra under x-ray guidance through a small puncture in the skin. A specially formulated acrylic bone cement is injected under pressure directly into the fractured vertebra, filling the spaces within the bone - with the goal of creating a type of internal cast to stabilize the vertebral bone. The needle is removed and the cement hardens quickly, about 10 minutes, congealing the fragments of the fractured vertebra and stabilizing the bone. The skin puncture is then covered with a bandage. Shortly after the cement has hardened, I will be free to leave and go home.
I will be on bedrest for the first 24 hours. After that, I will be able to gradually increase activity. I may have some soreness for a few days from the puncture site but nothing a little ice pack can't fix. Typically, I should have about 90% or better reduction in pain in that first 24-48 hours with an increased ability to perform daily activities shortly thereafter. Recent study shows that a patient with compression fractures who undergoes a vertebroplasty procedure, can have relieved pain for up to at least three years afterwards.
For me, this procedure means being able to pick up and carry Brandon without any pain. It means being able to get on the ground and play with him. To chase him around with ease. Not only that, but I will be able to get back to my old workouts and not just walk for a workout. I will be able to cook more meals and help Eric with cleaning around the house a lot easier as I will not have the pain that comes from standing/walking for long periods of time. This procedure will basically give me my life back. Back to before I was diagnosed with MM and the compression fractures. I will be ME again. And I will get to enjoy Brandon a whole lot more than just sitting back and watching him grow. I will be more involved.
To say I am excited about this procedure is an understatement. I am ecstatic! It's been tough sleeping since I found out about this procedure. But I will get rest. I need to get rest before then, because afterwards and after my bedrest, I am sure I will be on the go with Brandon and Eric.
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