Eric - My Husband, My Best Friend

4th of July 2016

February 15, 2011. That's the day I met Eric in person. For a few days before our first date we talked and got to know each other through e-mails and 3 hour conversations on the phone. Usually, when I would meet a guy for the first time, I am very shy and it takes me a while to warm up to them. With Eric it was different. We talked all through dinner. We knew the waiter was just doing his job with asking if we needed anything else and how we were doing, but we were bothered with all the interruptions. I won't bore you with all the same details over again from earlier in my posts, but basically, we didn't want to part.

Flash forward a few months and we almost broke up. Because I was going kind of crazy. I had mood swings up the wazoo. All from my birth control I was on, Depo Provera. I begged and fought and pleaded with Eric to give me another chance (since I was switching birth controls) and he gave in. It definitely helped. Changing birth controls that is. My mood swings changed and really were almost non existent. A few months later Eric moved in with me. I think it was the best thing since it helped up get to know each other even better and it proved we loved each other even more. We had small "fights" like any couple would, but we got into a groove and things went smoothly. We loved being around each other and spending time together. It made it easier with our different schedules too.

Love

Christmas of 2012 we talked and decided we wanted to get married. We made it official (engagement) that January and were married August 2, 2013. We had a familymoon before the wedding with his 3 boys and the rest of our families at Disneyland and California Adventure. Although, after the wedding we took small day trips to Lake Tahoe on my birthday 2 days later and to San Fransisco and Pacifica. We didn't have the typical vows using "lil death do you part" and "in sickness and in health". We knew that would be true. We just didn't think the sickness part would be so real and so soon.

 Family 4th

4th of July

The following February (2014) we decided to start trying for a baby. As I've said before, we got pregnant May 2014 and lost that one June 2014. Then, that September we found out we were again and lost that pregnancy at 12 weeks in November. That one was the toughest, for both of us, because we heard the heartbeat just 2 days before that appointment at home because a friend gave us a home heart monitor. Not only was it hard for us because of that, but a few days after we found no heartbeat, I started to have back labor. So intense I couldn't walk almost. Eric was so amazing. Even though he was scared, he kept as calm as he could. Ended up being that my cervix wasn't opening enough for the sac to come out. The doctors in the ER called for a OB doctor to come down and she got our baby out for us. Eric being the "geek" he is and fascinated by anything science/medical related, saw the sac with the placenta all attached to it in the cup. He was there with me the whole time. Rubbing my back, holding me, making sure I was as comfortable as can be. After we left the ER he got me whatever I wanted to eat/drink and got me home and comfortable. For the next few days after, he waited on me and helped me around since my back was still in spasm mode from the back labor.

"Say Anything"

With our last pregnancy, we were both excited but also nervous. Of course, Eric being the amazing man he is, he kept calm and never showed he was nervous or scared. Week 27 came and we were referred to a nephrologist. Eric thought nothing of it. He figured it was just precautionary. For me, I was worried something was wrong. But again, Eric kept calm. When I got that last blood test back and told him I googled what it meant and it was cancer, he still kept calm and told me that we didn't know and we will wait until we talk to the doctor. Of course, that day came and he was right there by my side as we heard the news that is was malignant and it was Multiple Myeloma. Eric had been across from me (I was on the exam table) and he moved to be right with me, holding me, trying to make sense of it all. All while I was crying. After we got the news, I had the bone marrow biopsy and Eric stood right there at my head holding my hand, stroking my head and talking to me to keep my mind off the pain. Again, his fascination for medicine/science came out and he watched the biopsy as he was comforting me.

Music

After that appointment he took me home, got me comfortable in bed to nap (which I couldn't) and he ran around getting my prescriptions and getting me ice cream and other treats of comfort. We were both worried about Brandon, but knew the doctors would do what they could to keep Brandon and myself safe. As the news sunk in over the next few days, Eric went into a deep depression and turned to alcohol. It was his way of coping with the news. He knew he had to be strong for me. But, once we were dealing with it all, he broke down. Eventually, he realized what was going on and contacted our family doctor for help. They talked and Eric ended up with a prescription for Zoloft, an antidepressant. As he started to take it, he stopped drinking. Zoloft had an unintended side effect for Eric. As long as he takes it, even a sip of alcohol makes him nauseous. So, Eric doesn't drink anymore. He likes the medicine and how it helps him process the world around him.  The medication helped him with his depression and helped us get ready for Brandon's arrival. I am so proud of him for realizing what was going on and what he needed.

Goofy guys

He is still on Zoloft, as it still helps him with his depression. Depression is real. You never know who it will affect. I never though Eric had it until we talked about it. Really talked about it. Now, we talk. Of course, being the caregiver through my transplant months was tough too. There were days he would forget to take his medicine. And it would affect him. There were days it got to him so much that he wanted to kill himself. But we would talk and he would realize that isn't the answer. Not only does he have depression, but he has Aspergers Syndrome.  He is on the Autism Spectrum. He grew up not knowing it. A few months after we got married, Eric was diagnosed. He doesn't think like the rest of us. He doesn't get most sarcasm. He is learning a little from me, but for him everything is straight forward. He takes things very literally. He doesn't take to people attacking the ones he loves and will lash out. He doesn't take to people lashing out at him. It scares him. It makes it where he feels he can't trust that person. To him, relationships are everything. This I love about him. His relationships with others mean so much and when those people he thought were his friends or cared for him lash out at him, he backs away. He shuts down. He needs a world where people can talk to him if there is an issue. Not pretend that something was not said or done. Not yell. Not lash out and say hurtful things. I used to be one of those people until we talked and he told me what he needed. Until he told me how it hurts him and scares him. Everything Eric has had to deal with, with being a caregiver for me and for Brandon, it's rough on somebody not only with depression, but also with Aspergers Syndrome.

Ugly Chair

I married Eric because even though I didn't fully understand him, I knew I loved him. I knew that his quirkiness I loved. He cares deeply. He loves deeply. He is passionate about so much in his world. From plants, to science, politics (which I don't get all of that), lately sports cards he is collecting for Brandon. He is learning about all these different players so he can tell Brandon about them when he is older. He loves music. I love that he plays guitar and wants to and try now, to teach Brandon. We both can see that Brandon has a musical side to him. What instrument it will be, we are not sure, but leaning towards drums right now. Eric can do anything he puts his mind and effort to. All things I love so much about him. I couldn't imagine having any other man by my side through this time. Through the cancer diagnosis. Through the treatment. Knowing it will come back. He is here by my side and he's not leaving. He's sticking to the "in sickness and in health, oil death do us part".

4th of July

Eric is a genuine, loving, funny, passionate, caring man. Anybody who meets him needs to take the time to get to know him. He is a wealth of knowledge and plain amazing to be around. And he cares and protects his loved ones like a lion protecting his family.

A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

Things I'm Going To Miss

Well, it has happened. It's getting too close but weighing all options this is the best thing for the time being. I am going to ask my doctor for a note saying I am released to work without restrictions. If I don't do this, I will lose our benefits. By benefits, I mean all medical, dental and vision. I NEED my medical at least. As we all know why. I have an ongoing medical issue that makes it where I need to keep medical.

This has been the hardest decision I have had to make. I have been so used to being home with Brandon since he was born almost a year ago, that all my daytime snuggles will be greatly missed. I am sure I will cry some my first day back. Ok, maybe not just some, but a lot. The longest I have been away from him was when I was in the hospital, but he was able to visit. He can't visit me while I am at work.

I'm not sure of my first day back. I just e-mailed my doctor and he is out of the office until the 26th. That's a long time. At least for me it is. I don't believe that any other doctor can write the note either. So, I obviously have my worries. Mainly that I will have a lapse in benefits and will have to skip October. So much I need to figure out. Just adds to the stress of it all.

One thing we have set is that my mother and father in law have said they are willing to help us out by watching Brandon while we are at work. One thing to help calm some of my stress. And, I know I would get pictures of Brandon while I am at work from them, and Eric. I'm just hoping that I won't have to work until really late. That I am off at a decent time. I already have an hour drive to and from work. That adds two hours to my ten hour day. It would be so much easier if I had been able to get another job already, but it is a long process.

I think what's making going back to work the hardest is missing Brandon growing up. I know I get three days off a week, but that's only three out of seven that I can be home with him. How do you other moms do it? How do you go back to work with a little one at home? I can't help but think of all the "what if's" and what I'll be missing. I won't miss him rolling over, crawling, first steps or first word. But I'll miss other words of his. Ugh! why is it so hard?

Enough rambling. I am sitting here with a little quiet time while Brandon naps in his pack n play and Kahlua, my fur baby, sleeps on the couch. Now, to try to do a little crafting while I have this quiet/calm time.

Fur baby

Day +100

Day +100 large cupcake

Today is that day. Today is day +100 after transplant. I made it! Without getting sick or having to be readmitted into the hospital. I had a lot of weak and sluggish days. Days when, if I didn't have Brandon, I would have spent the day in bed. Eric and Brandon are my why. They are my why I keep fighting so hard against this evil trespasser. They keep me going. Having their love and seeing the smile on Brandon's face when he wakes up and see's me is priceless.

Bedhead morning 

What is the significance of day +100? Basically, the main issue is that the body, in general, needs time to get back to an equilibrium after a transplant. It takes time for the reinfused stem cells to settle back into the bone marrow, spread, and get back to producing blood cells at a normal level. The body also needs time to work off the side effects of the high-dose chemo prior to the transplant. The immune system, as it is being reformed, also is getting back to fighting whatever myeloma cells are left in the body, not to mention any infections which may have occurred.

"Moms #MCM" before leaving for treatment

That being said, my last lab work looks really good. Everything is in the normal limits. I haven't been sick or had any infections. And other than my back pain and sometime achy pain in my hands and joints, I feel amazing. Of course, I am still on chemo. It's a maintenance chemo. Maintenance chemo is to avoid or slow the cancer's return if the cancer is in complete remission after initial treatment. Being in "complete remission" means doctors cannot find cancer and you have no symptoms. Maintenance therapy can help keep the cancer from coming back.

Vein finder at treatment

With all of that being said. Today is a big day. We celebrated by me having my maintenance chemo this morning. Going to lunch with my mother and father in law. Then to Toys R Us with Nanny and grandpa Hoover so Brandon could play with different toys to see what they could get him for his birthday coming up and also for Christmas. He had a blast playing with all the different toys we found. Especially the toy (big ride in) cars and the toys that make sounds. Some we could barely pry him away from. Luckily, we have such a laid back little boy that he didn't throw any tantrums or cry when we pulled him away from the toys. He just went on to the next item to look/play with.

Happy at lunchtime

I know the day is not over yet, but we are having a relaxing day just napping and relaxing. I believe a walk is in order later in the nice cool crisp air. Today has been perfect for my day +100. I am not into the throw a huge bash and party all night. Never really have been. Spending it with my men are perfect.

Day +91

Today was day +91. I have 10 more days left in my first 100 days after transplant. My immune system will be better. Not perfect, but much better. I will be able to be around larger groups of confined people. I'll be able to go to birthday parties and see friends even when they are sick. I'll probably still be careful with that last one though.

Happy boy

Since last I wrote, I have been putting in job applications like crazy and basically waiting to see if my department has found a spot for me yet. It's all a waiting game. I need to send in my college transcripts to add to that. So the people up in the exams unit can verify if I qualify for the spot I am trying to get. While all of that is going on, about once a week, I go through and apply for positions I can lateral transfer to. Most I can do right through the internet, some I have to physically print out and mail. Most recent is in the mail now. I think I must have applied for 40 or more jobs since the beginning of July. Of course, nobody lets you know if you are picked or not. You are left to assume you weren't picked when you don't hear anything.

Love how he looks at me

In the meantime, I spend my days playing with Brandon and attempting to nap with him while I still can. Although, while he naps, I end up cleaning, watching tv or looking for jobs. It's tough to do any of that while he's awake these days. He moves around and gets into everything. I mean EVERYTHING. Tonight I moved all of the glass grocery items from the very bottom shelves of our makeshift pantry (which I moved a month or two ago from the second shelf up to the bottom) to the very top shelves and put all his baby food on that bottom shelf. That he can play with. That won't break. We finally had to do that because he was playing with the Franks Red Hot glass bottle and picked it up and dropped it and it broke. Although, he did very well. As soon as it happened, he moved away, quickly. I think I even heard an "uh oh" after it happened and he moved away. A lot of kids his age would probably try to play in it. He didn't. We are very proud of him for that.

My nights usually consist of bathing (every few nights) him, playing with him in his room and getting him in his pajamas, then moving to our room to feed him, put on YouTube to watch our friend we call his Uncle Polli on there, and then I put on a lullaby. He will usually fall asleep by about 9 or 9:30. Although, he then wakes up when Eric gets home because he wants to have his daddy time. I don't blame him. I'd want that also. But then he is up until 2am! This kid is so much like his father with sleep. He is a night owl. He will stay up until all hours of the night and sleep in until 11am or noon. But, I personally, and Eric agrees, that needs to stop. Especially for when I go back to work. I will most likely be working "normal" (that's in quotations because my "normal" has always been shift work) hours and will need to get to sleep at a decent time myself.

How does one get back on a regular "normal" routine when they have been off for a year and were up late (sometimes until 1 or 2am or later) and slept in as much as they could? I am finding it difficult. Eric and I have decided to at least try to always be up by 9am. That's mainly for him. He starts work at 3pm usually. So, he could technically sleep in. But, we need to get Brandon on a better schedule, so, we are making plans. We just need to put them in place. As it is, it's after 11pm now. And I am wide awake. Amazingly honestly since I only got four hours of sleep last night. Brandon just wouldn't go to bed and then amazingly, woke up early. Let's hope tonight is better.

Morning coffee pick me up while Brandon plays

Being a parent is definitely a full time job. A full time job where you need to try to schedule with your other half a little alone time. My scheduled alone time has been interrupted lately by Brandon. He has been teething and has been needy of mommy. Me. I'm mommy. That usually means for me that I am getting out of the bath tub from a nice warm to hot soak for my achey body earlier than expected. Tonight was nice though. Eric gave Brandon a bath while I was in the bath. I also enjoyed a glass of wine while in the tub. I can't remember the last time that happened. Probably before I was pregnant. So, that would be over 1 1/2 years ago. Most likely in January or early February of 2015. A little before I was pregnant and MONTHS before I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma. Really, this time around I haven't had a glass of wine (full one not the little ones you get when you go tasting) since early March before Stanford to start getting ready for my transplant. Tonight was the first night I had a glass of wine in 6 months. It was nice to enjoy one. I can't do it all the time though. It'd be a waste. While Eric's at work at least. A glass of wine is a great way to wind down and relax. Getting Brandon to sleep alone is a marathon. It's a workout. And not a glass of wine worthy. Maybe once he's asleep, but then that means going back downstairs and I'm too lazy, and achey, to do that.

Soak and a glass of wine

Now, to attempt to get a little sleep before Brandon wakes up. He wakes up at least once in the night now that we put real pajamas on him and not just a onesie. Like the pajamas keep him more comfortable. Well, if anything, we saved a little money for a while there. He seemed to be too warm in pajamas. Maybe it was just because our room at Stanford was really warm. Who knows. All I care is that he wakes up at least one time. Not 10 times, now. So, good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite!