Bitter Sweet

It was a little bitter sweet today. Today is Wednesday. Today was chemo day. Today was my last chemo day at Kaiser Outpatient Oncology. I will be back there in 2 weeks, but just to have labs drawn everyday for a few days, but knowing I won't be there for 2 weeks and then not again for a long time. So, it was definitely bitter sweet.

First, I got a call back from Dr. H yesterday about my latest bone marrow biopsy. We knew from looking at the sample taken that I was doing very well. We just had to wait to see what Pathology said after they tested it. Well, my cancer is almost undetectable. It's still there, lurking, but it's not as detectable in my bone marrow as the last/first biopsy. This is really great news. It also means that this can really help me and be beneficial in my transplant. With collection and the transplant process. So, very good news there!

Once we got there this morning, we visited with the reception staff. Jo and another lady I hadn't really met yet. So I'm not sure of her name. We showed Jo Brandon's new move. His walking with us holding his hands. While sharing that, Jessica came out to get me along with one of the volunteers who wanted to meet Brandon. Because really, who doesn't want to meet him? After a few minutes of cuddles and snuggles we (Jessica and I) went back for my treatment. Today, because it was my last day for treatment, I made and brought the nurses and receptionists cupcakes I made. Which, they were excited. The few who had one basically right away said they were good. Which, I am happy about. I'm not the worlds greatest baker. I am nothing like my friend Summer, but I do try. I look for recipes that will be easy for me to make.

S'mores Cupcakes

I ended up getting not just Velcade today, but my IV Zometa. So, I was going to be there a little longer. It was nice to also because I got to visit with some of the nurses. Let them all know how things were going and what we were going to be doing. Next week we start the pre-transplant process at Stanford. Classes, labs, doctor appointment, catheter placement (in my chest), and Cytosine infusions. A whole week of most likely being exhausted. We get home on Friday night and start the home process. The Neupogen shots. Saturday we start that one. Then, the following Wednesday we will start the daily morning lab draws at oncology until we go back to Stanford to have my stem cells taken out.

After chemo selfie with this guy

Once they are taken out, we come home until June 1 when we go back for up to a month. My actual transplant is on June 6, but we have the pre-transplant appointments and the harsher chemo, Melphalan, which will cause me to lose my hair. So, before we go to Stanford for the month, Eric will be shaving my hair off. But not before I have my friend Colleen give me a haircut that is WAY out of my norm. I have what I am going to do, but no pictures yet. I will post them after the appointment.

I missed seeing some of the staff today, but I know I will see them on Facebook or when I go back for the labs. It's just weird to think I won't see them each week for a while. Now, I sit here, watching Brandon watch Little Einsteins and the dogs play with each other. Eric is about to cook an amazing dinner and I am going to clean up a little at a time. Laundry must get started so we are ready for next week and lists need to be made of what we need to do and what we need to pack and bring. If I don't make a list, we will forget it. And, I don't want to forget anything. So, it's off to relax, clean and list make. Until next time!

Relaxing, comfy clothes, writing

Four Points...& A Little More

I was going through the notes on my phone earlier today. Cleaning up the ones that were old and I didn't need anymore. Then there was this one I decided to still keep from the end of November when I read a blog I found on Facebook. I don't remember the name of it, but the blog post I read really hit me that I ended up taking a few notes. The notes I took were things I was feeling at the time and to have somebody else feel them and write them made me feel like I wasn't alone. It felt good to know I wasn't the only one. Especially with being a new mom. Very new at that point.

In that blog post, the notes I took, there were 4 main things that resinated with me. The first one...

1. Not only do you have to come to terms with your diagnosis-a mom with cancer-you have to help your family and friends come to terms with it as well. You have to smile and reassure, even when you feel like you're breaking apart.
             You see, there were a few people in my life that I felt like this about. I had to be the one to be strong and help them. I had to show them that everything was ok. That I was doing well. Even though deep down I was hurting. Not just physically, but mentally. I would have those nights that I would cry myself to sleep holding Brandon after Eric went to bed. And, when he went back to work? I would sit there one minute staring at Brandon and all his innocence and how happy I was to have him in my life, and the next minute I would break down crying because all the "what if's" came into my head. "What if this thing decides to be so aggressive that chemo doesn't work and it takes me in a few months? What if I do really well on chemo and I get my transplant and then a year or 3 down the road it comes back more aggressive and nothing helps?" Those "what if's" scare me. I don't want Brandon to grow up without me. I know he's in great hands with Eric as his father and his grandma's, grandpa's, aunts, uncles, and cousins, but he wouldn't have me. And that not only scares me, but mades me really sad. So, yes, I felt from day one, after the initial shock, sadness and tears, like I had to be strong for everybody else. Not just myself.

2. You want to tell your husband all of your fears and the things that keep you awake at night, but somehow, if feels selfish. You know that's silly, but you just can't look in his eyes and see the pain there and release your own.
             When I was diagnosed, it was hard for both of us. When I got the call from the nephrologist and I did like anybody would do, the stupid thing to do, and Googled the phrase she used "your bone marrow is producing abnormal protein" my heart immediately sunk and I called Eric. I knew I would only be able to leave a message because he too was at work. I also sent him a text, just in case he didn't listen to his voicemail. When I Googled that phrase the first thing to come up was Multiple Myeloma. Then Myeloma. I read a little about it and had to stop because I was at work and I was getting choked up and had tears in my eyes. When I got home that night, Eric was the one who appeared on the outside to be strong. He was relaxed and said "we don't know and it can be a false positive". The next few days I tried my best to keep it together and not worry too much, but better said than done, right? I didn't even tell my parents at that point either. I didn't want them to worry before we knew exactly what was going on. After we met with Dr. H both Eric and I did our grieving differently. We are both emotional, but Eric doesn't always cry or have tears. He does get depressed, like I do, but I couldn't help but ball my eyes out. Then, after about a week, I stopped. It was like I didn't have anymore tears at that time. I got to the point where I was just trying to be strong for both of us. He would say "why couldn't it be me that had this?" "I want to take this pain away from you and have it for me" and other things like that. I knew he was hurting and upset, like I was, but I felt like I couldn't talk to him about how I was feeling because I knew he was already hurting enough. Since then, Eric and I will have talks while sitting in our chairs having coffee or sitting in bed holding watching Brandon play or crawl around between us or while driving in the car on the way to appointments or whatever may be. I have learned how to work around this one. Even if it is hard still, I make sure to let Eric know what's going on. That's one way this blog came about. To get it all out there.

3. It's a balancing act of trying to stay strong for yourself and family while trying not to fold under the pressure and panic that slowly sets in. The treatments are grueling, making you physically and sometime mentally ill.
               It's true. Most days after treatment I put on the strong woman act. I may have an excruciating headache or feel really nauseous, but I always think that it could be so much worse. And, I don't want to burden others and have them come help me. I know, I know. They (you) all want to help. But when you have always been the strong one and been the one to help others, it's tough to ask for help. I have only asked for help from somebody other than Eric maybe a handful of times. Once, my friend Colleen came over. I know she said I could nap, relax and she would take care of Brandon, but I honestly couldn't nap because I wanted to visit with her. Another time was Christmas. It wasn't so much of asking for help as much as needing to go nap and be away from everybody else because I was feeling really nauseous that day. Luckily, my brother in law Jeff and sister in law Christina knew exactly what I was going through/feeling because a while back Jeff had been going through chemo for a cancer he had. He's healthy now. But there are days when I am mentally not doing ok. Nothing that would make me harm myself. I am far from that. But mentally I feel like I can not be strong. And those days I don't talk to many people. I just hang out here at home with Brandon and the pups and keep to myself. I am slowly learning how to ask for help, but it isn't always easy. I am more likely to accept it and admit I need help when somebody tells me they are coming over to help me rather than asking me if I want them to help me.

4. You privately rail at the injustice of feeling so weak when you've always felt so strong. You want to be the poster child for endurance, but at some point, you just want it over. You avoid people so you don't have to see or hear the pity when they tell you how sorry they are. You have no idea how to respond to it anyhow other than to shrug it off and say it is what it is. Cancer is terrible any way you look at it.
               This one is big! Especially since in just the last two years I had taken back my health and had been working out 5-6 days a week. Even through my pregnancy up until my diagnosis I was working out. I'd do my 25 minute workouts and even did videos of me, pregnant, doing the Cize workout. I had so much energy and felt so good, and then the diagnosis came and I was told not to do those workouts anymore. I have felt so weak since then. And not because of being sick, but because of not being able to do the things I've always been able to do. For a while I would wouldn't want to go anywhere that we would be around people we knew. I mean, I had to go some places. Like work. Even though I was taken off work an put on disability, I still had to go in to take care of paperwork and timesheet and such. I really didn't want to go in because I knew I would get the "I'm so sorry's" and the long tight hugs that would feel so good but would make me cry because I was always the strong one for them. It was tough. It's still tough. But, I get out and show people how I'm doing. How I'm feeling.

Another point I somewhat remember is something about telling your kids. Brandon is still too young to understand. Although his first 6 months of life, and counting, have been spent going to Kaiser Oncology and to the lab and pharmacy. None of it for him, all for his mommy. It's the "normal" way of life for him and all he knows right now. But when the time comes that Eric and I have to sit him down and tell him, I can honestly say, I have no idea what or how we will tell him. I do know we will let him know that if it wasn't for him, we may not have known for a long time. That because of him, we were able to find it sooner. That he helped save mommy's life in the end. It's not going to be an easy conversation. I know I will cry. But it isn't something we will ever keep from him.

I'm sure there were more points I was going to take notes on, but I think I was interrupted by sleepiness, a hungry baby or maybe we needed to get going to an appointment. Either way, the blog I read really hit home for me. I'm sure it did for a lot of other moms. I wish I could remember where it was and the name of it, but it escapes my mind right now and I don't have it on my phone anymore. But, if for some reason, this blog get's out there and that author reads this...Thank You! Thank you for writing that post. Thank you for helping me not feel alone. It's been a rough road, but I am working on so many of the points you wrote about. Thank you!

Date Day

As the crazy busy time gets closer, Eric and I thought we should have a date. The last time we had a date was his work Christmas party the end of January. That was the first time we left Brandon with anybody. Of course we picked Jeff and Christina, my brother and sister in law. Eric's sister. For one, they are family, and two, they live close to us. We were lucky since throughout the night, it was only 4 hours, we would get updates and pictures. They understood what we were going through and how we felt.

So, fast forward 3 months and we decide a week before life gets crazy busy that we need a date. Just the two of us. Our "dates" are usually spent at Kaiser or running errands, so we decided to do lunch and a movie. The last movie we saw in the theater? I honestly can't remember. It's been that long for us. So, we asked Jeff and Christina and they said yes. We decided to make it an afternoon date since it was a school/work night for them.

Our day started early. We were up just before 8am to get ready because we had a few things to do before we dropped Brandon off. I decided to get in the shower before breakfast and Eric was going to take care of the dogs. Now, he always starts the coffee for us before he takes them out. I was upstairs still playing with Brandon until he was done with the dogs. When he came up, he brought me my coffee. Already had the creamer in it, then took Brandon downstairs so I could shower. Best thing, I had my coffee while I showered. The last time that happened was while I was still working and before I was pregnant. It was really nice. The shower wakes me up, but so does coffee.

After I showered, I went downstairs and Eric was finishing up feeding Brandon. Since he needed to shower also, I decided to make us breakfast while he showered. It's only right to repay him, right? I'll be honest here, I used to not eat breakfast. I only started to in the last 2 years. It really started when I started doing the Beachbody workouts. I was drinking Shakeology every morning. When I got pregnant I moved my Shakeology to a snack and would have eggs or a breakfast sandwich or oatmeal for breakfast. When I got diagnosed, I continued eating breakfast. The same healthy things I usually have. But now it is so much more. I need to eat breakfast in order to take my pills in the morning. If I don't eat, I get sick. So, long story, I made us breakfast. When that was done, I finished getting ready and we were off.

My breakfast helper

First stop, CostCo. We had some business to take care of for all the busy medical stuff coming up. Unfortunately, the person we needed to see wasn't there and we were going to have to go back later. We dropped Brandon off at Jeff and Christina's and off to lunch and a movie. Originally I wanted Mexican food, but we were running out of time, so it was Greek food. Quick but really good lunch. We hadn't had Daphne's in a few years. Then, off to see a new Melissa McCarthy movie "The Boss". Pretty funny, as usual. We love Melissa McCarthy. We have since we saw her on Mike & Molly. I recently realized that she was on Gilmore Girls also.

Family picture

Our date day went by pretty fast, but we both agreed, it was a really nice day and MUCH needed. After we picked up Brandon, it was back to CostCo. We took care of what we needed to and then it was home. Once home, our "date" kept going. We cleaned up, or started to clean the house so I have a clean place to be once my transplant it done. Cleaning with a baby around is tough. Sometime we wear him, other times we just let him play and when he needs us, he lets us know.

End of the day watching the thunder storm

Today, was another good day. Between the date and cleaning with my family. It was a good day. Relaxing, surprisingly. Amazing how cleaning can be relaxing. Now, for a good nights sleep before this preparation week gets busy. Making lists of calls I need to make and things I need to do. Along with making something nice for all the amazing nurses and receptionists at Kaiser Oncology for Wednesday. It is my last day there for a while. I'm going to miss all of them.

What I Miss the Most

I was thinking the other day. I was thinking of what I miss most since my diagnosis. There are a lot of things I used to do. Honestly, drinking really isn't one of them either. Yes, I love my wine, but when I was diagnosed with MM I was pregnant. So, I wasn't drinking anyway. After having Brandon, I had a few glasses or tastings every now and then. Now, I haven't drank since just over a month ago when we went to Stanford for the first time because I shouldn't right now.

What I miss the most are my workouts. I had a routine. I was consistent 5 days a week. Sometimes 6. All of that started in June 2014 after my first miscarriage. I saw my friend Karens results from Focus T25 from Beachbody. I knew her results were real because I knew her. I knew she wouldn't post a before and after picture that was doctored. So, I figured "If she can do it, I can do it". So, I contacted her. Ordered Shakeology and Focus T25. And started working out. I think the best part of it was having an accountability group. A group of other women trying to get healthy and keeping each other motivated.

There is a backstory to all of this. When I was kid, my dad and step-mom put all 4 of us in every sport we could be in. I started with t-ball, then it was on to basketball, volley tennis, and back around to softball (after t-ball). All of those sports were through the local park league. I also got into swimming. I took a few summer swim lessons and then next thing you know, I was joining the local swim team. I really took to swimming. Probably more so to any other sport I played. I was decent. I wasn't Olympic swimmer Janet Evans, Summer Sanders, Dara Torres good, but I was good enough to place in events I swam in. I was good enough to be able to join my college swim team and place in events I swam there. When I started swimming, I dropped all other sports. I focused on swimming as my extra curricular activity. I made friends. And honestly, even though I didn't go to school with my teammates and had friends outside of swimming, I was around my teammates more. It was wake up, school, come home and do some homework and then off to swim workout 5 days a week. Weekends were filled with swim meets and tournaments. Swimming was my life.

When I got into high school, I backed off on the swimming. Mainly because I didn't have time. I had started running cross country in high school since it wasn't a team sport that I had to try out for. I wasn't good at those sports anymore and my school didn't have a swim team. So, cross country it was. I hated running, but I didn't want to do regular PE in high school. When I got in a groove, I went back to swimming a little. I joined a different club team. But, I didn't feel like I fit in. It didn't have the same feel as I did on my old team. So, after a few months, I stopped swimming. It was getting to the point where I was going to be graduating high school soon and heading off to college. At that point, I would be too "old" for the club team. Also, through high school, I tried soccer outside of school. I played one season of AYSO and that was it.

Another thing my brothers and I did growing up was triathlons, kids fun runs, turkey trots, and junior lifeguards. It really started with the running races. turkey trots and fun runs. Then, eventually some 5K's. As we did those, and my dad started to get into triathlons, so did my brothers and I. We did a few sprint triathlons. One thing about those, I always placed. There wasn't many tween and teen girls who did these kinds of events. So, I would always place. At least in the triathlons. The 5K's and other runs, there were more girls my age. So, for me it was more just to do the race. And, like I mentioned before, I wasn't really a runner.

In college I ended up swimming and playing water polo for the first time. It felt good to be on a team where I was accepted even though I had never played before. But, I learned fast. I wasn't the best. I didn't try to be. But I like to think that I was good enough to be put in the game. Honestly, I wish I had found a club team when I was younger and played water polo through my adolescent and high school years. Even though my high school didn't have a team, I think it would have been good for me. But, we can't change the past and I wasn't on a water polo team until college. We, as a team, did very well in the 2 years I played. We made it all the way to State. Even if we didn't win State, we still made it that far. And I would say, that's pretty darn good.

I had the longest time between college and now that I didn't do anything. Maybe a hiking trip here and there with friends, but honestly, I started to gain weight slowly. More so once I got into my 30's. I was lazy. I really didn't do much. I would walk my dog and would try to run, but I would get winded too easily. That was, until June 2014 when I started my Beachbody workouts. I felt great after my workouts. The first week or two was tough though. I won't lie. Honestly, the first day I almost threw up before the end of my 25 minute workout. But I didn't. I finished strong, drank A LOT of water and did what I could to cool down before I had to shower and go to work. After that day, I decided that I needed to do my workouts after work. I had to make myself do them. After 2 weeks of doing Focus T25, I decided to become a Beachbody coach and ordered the Piyo workout. Piyo is a cross between pilates and yoga. I wasn't much into yoga, but I figured this I could do. And I did! I ended up doing my 10 weeks of Focus T25 and 8 weeks of Piyo together. Everyday that summer I would workout for a hour a day. 7 days a week. Yes, I had rest days. That was Sunday. But it still had a stretching disc. And stretching is important. Through that summer, I ended up losing 10 pounds and almost 20 inches total.

I was feeling really good. Not just about myself and how I looked, but also how I felt inside. I was feeling healthier. I wasn't just working out, I was feeding my body healthier foods. Yes, I would have cheat days, but it would be maybe a meal or a snack. I didn't like the way the cheat meal would make me feel. So, I tried to keep it pretty healthy. I still enjoyed a glass of wine, or 2, but would eat a well balanced meal. I also tried other workouts. I tried 21 Day Fix, P90 and also Cize.

When I found out I was pregnant, I didn't stop working out. I kept going. Yes, I had days where I was exhausted. Who knew cooking a baby could make you so tired? But, I did it. I did my usual Focus T25 and some Piyo. When Cize came out in July 2015, I started to dance myself healthy. That was, up until I was 28 weeks along and was diagnosed with MM and my doctor told me he wanted me to limit my working out to just walking. Back to the Cize workout. I took some pretty impressive videos while doing the Cize workout pregnant. I laughed at myself with everybody else. But really, working out through my pregnancy, well most of it anyway, was the best thing I could have done for myself, and Brandon. My whole pregnancy. The whole 35 weeks, I only gained 10 pounds. Most of that near the end when he was getting bigger.

After Brandon was born, I was back down to my pre-pregnancy weight by the time he was 1 week old. I was surprised, but also not. I had heard and read that working out can help you bounce back faster. It did for me. Since I had a c-section, I had to wait 6 weeks before I could do any kind of rigorous workouts again. Once my doctor cleared me, I started with Piyo. I was starting to feel good again. Good about my health. My mood was happier again. So, I started to do a few Focus T25 workouts before I was told not to and to just walk again by my oncologist Dr. H. I was bummed. My mood was back to when I couldn't workout when I was diagnosed. I do understand why he doesn't want me to workout. It has to do with my compression fractures, but I will tell you, I really miss my workouts. Right now, as my transplant gets closer, I am gaining weight again. I workout and try to eat healthy, but I miss my old workouts. The ones that really make me sweat and got me moving and helped boost my mood. I am looking forward to the day when I will be cleared to do those workouts again. Even modified. You can still get a good workout in when you modify the workouts. I did it. You sweat. You get sore. And you feel great!

So, what I miss most since my diagnosis are my workouts. Sitting around and walking a little at a time throughout the day doesn't give me that feeling I had before, but at least it is something. After my transplant, my plan is to get back into the pool first. That will be easy on my back. And I know there, in the water, I will start to feel like myself again.

Friends - Soul Friend - Karen

My friends post is being continued.

There's this girl. She's pretty cool. To be honest, when I think back to how we met, it was almost like a blind date of sorts. You see, we met the summer of 2000 through a mutual friend. If I remember correctly, it was just another Friday night where a bunch of us were meeting at the bar (country bar). I was friends with Kathy who I met at that bar through another friend Steve who worked the door there. This Friday night Kathy brought her friend Karen. They had been friends since high school.

When we met, we did the usual introductions and then got on to talking, dancing, meeting new people, drinks, and more dancing. It was a country bar. We exchanged phone numbers and made plans to hang out again. Sounds just like dating, right? We had hit it off. The last time I hit it off with a female like this was in high school with my friend Kelly. We seemed to just click. We had a lot of the same interests and what we wanted in life, hobbies, etc. From that night, we were almost inseparable. With the exception of when we had to work or made other plans.

That summer was a great summer. I made a lot of memories. Most of them, if not all of them, involved Karen. I learned a lot from her. I feel like that summer I really grew up, and I think she had a little to do with it. I'll admit, I was naive back then. I was in my early 20's. Ok, 21, almost 22. I hadn't had a lot of life experiences or really done anything until that summer. And all of the memories from that summer have Karen in them. Parties at friends houses, boat races, dinners, rodeos, pool parties, line dancing, sleep overs (yes, I'm calling them sleepovers), and my 22nd birthday. I have pictures upon pictures documenting that summer. And they all have to do with Karen.

My first long term relationship started in some ways because of her. One Tuesday night we went to the country bar we always went to that night of the week. Yes, we had certain places we went to on certain nights of the week. That night, both of us determined we were not going to drink. And, we didn't. We did decide to have fun. In between line dances we knew, we would walk around the bar checking out the guys. Now, at these bars, it wasn't just "cowboys" at them. There were your regular guys, muscle heads, surfers, skaters, etc. There was one guy who we would walk past intentionally, a few times, for me. About an hour or so into the night we ended up slapping some of the guys on the butts, but I could never slap that one guy. I was too embarrassed. I kept telling Karen how I thought he was kind of cute. About 2 hours later, we were standing at the tables over by the rest of our friends and I was looking across the dance floor and saw this guy staring our direction. I was trying not to stare back, but I couldn't help it because I could really tell if he was or not. So, I asked Karen if she thought he was. She looked and thought he was too. Next thing we knew he was walking our way. And, he asked me to dance. At the end of the night at this bar they would play all Chris LeDoux songs. Some slow and some fast 2 steps. We danced a few dances and then left the bar to our cars together. Phone numbers were exchanged and a date made. Because of my "wing girl" Karen, I ended up in my first long term relationship.

That relationship, 7 months later, moved me over 400 miles away here to Northern California. He had a job transfer and asked me if I wanted to come with him, and I did. It was a tough decision. I'd be moving away from my family who I had only been away from for 5 months at a time before, and all of my friends. The only people I would know there was him, his sister and her then boyfriend and friends from college. But, I felt this relationship was worth it and I went with him. Out of all of my friends in Southern California at the time, Karen was one who really kept in touch with me, and me with her. We emailed, wrote letters/cards and had phone calls every now and then. When I would go home to visit, I made sure to see Karen. We did all of this before Myspace, Facebook and Instagram. Before the Social Media craze. She was the one friend who came to visit me up here in Northern California also, until Kristy.

Now, I used to watch Greys Anatomy religiously. There was the main character Meredith Grey and her friend/coworker Cristina Yang. Meredith called Cristina her "person". You know, the one person you go to about everything. The person you confide in. The person you tell your deepest darkest secrets to. Cristina was Merediths person. For me, I have a few. But Karen was the original "person". Anything that happened in my life, I told Karen. Anything. When my relationship with ended with the first long term relationship guy, she was the first person I told. By that time, there was Myspace and Facebook. The relationship had ended right before her wedding reception that I was flying down for. Her wedding was hard for me, but at the same time, I was so excited for her. She had found her guy.

When Karen started having kids, I knew I wanted to be there for them. I may be over 400 miles away, but with each of her 3 daughters, I made plans to visit, if not at the time they were born, then soon after. With her first, I went for a visit a month after. And, I went down for the weekend just to visit Karen & Tracy and to meet their daughter. The weekend was all about them. The next two, I just happened to be on vacation when they were born. I make my vacations in October of the previous year for the whole year to come. Her second was born the end of my vacation and her third decided to start to come on her own a few days before my vacation started. So, I've been able to meet the 3 amazing girls early in their lives. Of course, seeing them is few and far in-between since I live so far away, but they really are amazing girls. All have totally different personalities and I connect with each of them in a different way.

I had Karen as my matron of honor in my wedding. I honestly couldn't pick between her and Kristy. In some ways, they both were anyway. A few short 6 months later, when Eric and I decided to start trying for a baby, she was one of the first to know. She had some insights and advice and told me about an app for tracking ovulation that she had used. When we found out we were pregnant the first time, she was one of the first to know. And as I sat in the hospital bed in the ER, she was one of the first to know about the miscarriage. Same went for the 2nd pregnancy and miscarriage. The 3rd pregnancy, she was THE first (after Eric) person to know because I was going to be in Southern California for a Perfectly Posh event and staying the first few nights with her. And since we had plans for Disneyland, we decided against it since I was pregnant and didn't want to risk anything. Really, it was my choice. I didn't want to risk anything that may make me lose this one. And, she understood.

My rehearsal dinner August 2013 on the left, Las Vegas for Perfectly Posh 2014 on the right

I'm going to back track a little. In April 2014, Karen introduced me to Perfectly Posh products. These are naturally based pampering products. I bought a few items, tried them, and LOVED them. We talked about me possibly becoming a consultant. We also talked about the Unconventional event Perfectly Posh was having that year in August in Las Vegas. She asked if I wanted to go with her, whether I was a consultant or not, I was able to. So, I decided I wanted to and Eric thought it was a good idea also. By May 1st, I ended up becoming a consultant. These products felt good and I couldn't help but make a little extra money while sharing something I believed in and made me feel good. After my 1st miscarriage, I ended up deciding I needed to get in shape. No more "yo-yo" exercising. I needed to be more disciplined. Again, Karen was a Beachbody coach. She had posted result pictures that really got my attention. I knew if she could do it, I could too. So, I ordered the Focus T25 workout with Shakeology from her. And, 2 weeks into having this program, I decided to become a coach also. I was already seeing results in just those 2 weeks and being in the accountability group made me motivated to share this with the world. That summer felt good to really get back to ME. Not just from working out and getting healthy again, but really making time for me and pampering myself with  my Posh products. I hadn't done that in a long time. Las Vegas was really the icing on the cake for it also. To be around that many men and women who felt the same way as us about the products and learning about the products. Making new friends whom I am so happy to have. It was also a good trip for Karen and mines relationship also. We had never had a weekend away just us or even with other friends that wasn't at each others homes. To go through that experience with Karen was a great one. It really made me feel like our friendship was rejuvenated. Not that it needed rejuvenating, but that we got back to us. It almost felt like the summer of 2000 again, minus all the drinking/bars and all.

Fast forward to August 2015. When I was diagnosed. I don't know why, but it was tough telling Karen. Not for anything negative, I don't know why it was tough to tell her. It just was. Looking back, I think it was tough, because I was still in the shocked phase. The phase where we had see the life expectancy and I was very sad. Thinking I only had 3-5 years to live. In some ways, I felt like I was putting a burden on her. A burden I didn't want to put. But, we talked. She, like Kristy, was a voice of reason. Of course, like me, she was wondering what it meant for Brandon. We talked about how my oncologist was talking about possibly taking him early. How within a week or 2 of that day he could be here. But, we had to see what the next tests said and how I responded to the initial steroids and treatment I was going to be starting. She told me she was there to support me.

Luckily, because I wasn't able to make it to Southern California for a baby shower there, she was able to come up for the one I was having here. And like I mentioned in my post about Kristy, she coordinated with her and both came up the same days. It was amazing having both of them in my home at the same time. Having them here for my shower and to help me shop for items for Brandon was amazing. They helped take care of me. Giving Eric a break to relax. They made sure I was feeling ok. As I mentioned before, we went to 5 Targets in 4 days. It wasn't until near the end of the trip that we decided to try to see how many we could get to. We took a picture in front of one of the Targets. It was on the way to the airport on the last day and after we stopped at Kaiser so I could do my labs I needed to do. As we left Kaiser, Karen mentioned that we should have taken a picture in front of the hospital. Well, the sign at least. It was, through that weekend, part of the trip.

Before Brandon was born, Karen put together a Go Fund Me for us. It was to bank Brandon's cord blood. My doctor said it was a good idea to do since we could possibly use it for me for a transplant should we need it. In order to bank the blood though, we needed about $5000. With all the shares and donations, we ended up with more than enough to do a 20 year storage. We were originally going for the 5 year. Thanks to Karen, we were able to do it.

After Brandon was born, Karen and I started to figure out when she could come visit and meet him. What started as her coming alone, ended up being a Christmas break family vacation with Tracy and the girls. That made me very happy. I love her girls like they were my own nieces. So, to have them visit here and get to meet Brandon also, was amazing. Eric, Brandon and myself ended up going up to Lake Tahoe with them one of the days they were here. Brandon first trip to Tahoe and the snow. It was so much fun. By the end of the day, Karen and her family were doing rides on snow mobiles while Eric and I watched. We opted out of it since Brandon was really cold and for me, my back was starting to hurt by the end of the day. I was just having fun being around them and visiting. The night ended with them coming over for a little bit to our house to visit. The girls got to see and love on Brandon some more before going back to the hotel and leaving to head back home.

Each visit from Karen recharges me. Whether it's here or in Southern California or in Las Vegas. I feel like I am recharged. I feel like I get my voice of reasoning back and all is well and good again. Karen helps me fight harder. Nobody is perfect. That is my motto, but her parenting style and how she has brought up her girls, I try to do the same with Brandon. Like I did in dispatching. I took a little experience from each of my trainers and that is what moulded me as a dispatcher. For me, I have taken a little bit of my friends style of parenting and that is what is moulding me as a parent. Karen is a big part of that. Probably because I have asked her for opinions and picked her brain on it since day one. And, she has sent me information and gave me corrective criticism. Which I need. I'm an older parent, I guess you can say. Being that I didn't have a child until my late 30's. But watching Karen over the years has helped me.

Karen is my person. Or, at least one of them. She is my soul friend. Like a soulmate, but only a friend. I know if we cane make it through the last 16 years and maybe 4 or 5 of those being without Facebook and social media, I know we can make it another 16 and more. And, I plan on fighting and being around for more than 16 years. So, Karen, you are stuck with me. 16+ years gives us MANY more Target trips and selfies in front of Target. We will be old and gray(er) for me, taking selfies in front of Targets and shopping at as many as we can in a weekend visit. It's going to happen. I am determined to make it happen.

Good Days & Bad Days

I've mentioned before. I have good days and I have bad days. Everybody does, but mine are a little different. Mine has to do with my compression fractures. Or, bone lesions on my lumbar and T12 spine. What is a compression fracture? Compression fracture is when one or more bones in the spine weaken or crumble. It's very common in osteoporosis. The thing is, I don't have osteoporosis, as of now at least. Mine have occurred because of Multiple Myeloma. As my doctor at Stanford explained it, my bone marrow is producing excessive amounts of "junk" protein. That "junk" protein is crowding out my bones, which is making my bones brittle and fracture. They can not be cured, but can be treated. Which, I am doing by taking extra calcium and once a month when I have chemo, I have been having an IV of Zometa to help my bones.

When I have bad days, they are BAD days. If I didn't have Brandon, the hardest thing would be taking the dog outside for a walk, but I have Brandon. And the hard thing is being able to pick him up. When I have a bad day, picking him up is hard. Very hard. Almost to the point I start to cry because I wish I didn't have that problem. He needs me. He depends on me for a lot of things right now. I usually just breath through it and deal with the pain when Eric is at work. But when it's really bad, I'll call a friend over to help. I used to have a lot of those days. But it's evident my treatment is working. Those days still happen, but are fewer and farther between.

Yesterday was a good day. A really good day. Yesterday we took Brandon to the Folsom Zoo Sanctuary with Eric's parents Bill & Judy. We walked around the place (it's not that big, but there are some hills) and I felt really good. I didn't need my cane. I did have the stroller, but didn't need it to help me walk around. After an hour at the zoo, we walked around Target for a little while. I was STILL feeling really good. Especially since I was wearing Brandon. I was carrying an extra 20 pounds basically. And I still felt good. Not only did I have all of that walking around, but last night we went on a short family walk while I was wearing Brandon again. It felt good to have that good of a day.

Now, today. Today is an ok day. I may have overdone it yesterday. I've taken my pain medication, but I still have a lingering pain in my lumbar region. Luckily, I have Eric home with me to help me. He can pick Brandon up and hand him to me. Take him from me so I can get up. I don't have to try to bend over too much to pick him up, put him down or change him.

After my transplant, I am hoping that I can work on healing/repairing my fractures. Repairing those will make things a lot better for me. Well, on my psyche at least. I feel like such a horrible mother when I can't pick up my own child. I know I'm not, it just sits there and I feel like that sometimes. I'm working on not feeling that way though. It's a work in progress.

Basically, moral of todays post, I have good days and I have bad days, physically. I've learned to ask for help and not just push through it, since that would make things worse. I look forward to the day when I am in complete response and my compression fractures can heal. Until then, I will do what I can and ask for help when I need it.

Miscarriages, Birth & Adoption

There's something couples talk about when they get first get together. That something is children. Whether or not they want any. How many they want. Etc. For Eric and me, that was nothing new. It was something we definitely talked about. At first, Eric didn't want anymore kids. He has 3 amazing boys from his previous marriage and because of the pain he's been through due to the divorce, he really didn't want anymore. Somehow I was able to talk him into it. Was he afraid of what kind of mother I'd be? Yes. I think it's only natural. Especially since even though I had been around kids my whole life, I wasn't around them 24 hours a day. They weren't mine. I would see them for a day or a few hours and then not again for a week, or longer. But, he has told me, on many occasions, how amazing of a mother I am to Brandon. That means a lot to me. Because honestly, I think like most women who becomes moms for the 1st time, I was scared.

The other thing we both talked about that I'm not sure all couples talk about, was adoption. We both have always wanted to adopt too. For Eric, he didn't care if we adopted and then had our own or the other way around. For me, I wanted to have one of our own and then adopt. I don't know why. Maybe because I was afraid we would adopt and then I would get to the point where I felt I was too old to have one of my own.

A little more of a back story on our journey to get Brandon. We decided to start trying about 6 months after we got married, February 2014. So, the journey started! By May 2014, we found out I was pregnant. I must have taken almost 10 home pregnancy tests. Doing the estimate, I was about 5 weeks along when we found out. I called, made my appointment with my doctor and went to the lab and took their test. Their test came back positive too. My appointment was for when I would be about 8 weeks along. Unfortunately, on June 4th, while getting ready for overtime at work, I noticed I started to bleed. Just a little bit though. I knew that a little bleeding is normal. It's called implantation bleeding. I was still scared, but tried to keep calm and kept getting ready for work. At about noon, O left to make the drive. But, while driving there, I started to feel cramping and even some pain in my lower back. I ended up pulling the car over, calling Eric & leaving a message for him letting him know what was going on and where I was going (I had decided to go ahead and head to the ER at this point) then called work and let them know I was on my way to the ER. I was scared. I was hoping that it was just the implantation, but the cramping was making me think it was a miscarriage. When I got to the ER, I was taken back right away. Not because of my situation and why I was there, it wasn't really busy at that time of day. They did labs and while waiting for the results, took me for an ultrasound. By this point, there was A LOT of blood. I was trying my hardest to keep it together, but was really very sad and upset deep down inside. There was nothing on the ultrasound. Nothing at all. And the labs came back at a normal level. I indeed had a miscarriage.

We were both devastated. But, after talking to my doctor, decided to try again a few months later. It seemed to happen really fast the 2nd time. On September 10th, my friend Becky and I went to Fresno for a Perfectly Posh event. The whole day I was feeling "off". It wasn't until after the event and when we stopped for coffee for the long drive home at 9pm that I started to think I was pregnant again. The coffee wasn't tasting good to me, I felt even more "off" than I had earlier in the day and realized I was 1 1/2 weeks late. I started talking to Becky about it. Letting her know what I was feeling and how the coffee just wasn't tasting good (and I love coffee). She told me I was pregnant. So, the next morning, I woke up and took a pregnancy test. It indeed came back VERY positive. What I mean by VERY is that the 2 pink lines showed up really fast and really dark. I ended up going to the dollar store and to Target and got a few more tests. The dollar store ones come 1 in a pack and I wanted to get a "fancy" one just to make sure. Sure enough, over the next few days, they all were positive and very fast responses too. SO, I made an appointment. This time, we figured it was at about 8 weeks and ended up being about 7 weeks...and there were 2 sacs. We could see a heart fluttering in one of them, but the other not yet. The doctor we saw, wasn't my usual doctor, said that was normal and we were to come back in 2 weeks. We went back at about 10 weeks and there was only 1 sac this time and a very strong heartbeat coming through. We were excited! Everything was going as normal as they should go. I wasn't having any pain, no cramping, only morning sickness and being VERY tired. Our next appointment was November 8. We were about 12 weeks along. Just getting out of the 1st trimester. This was the 1st appointment with my doctor too. As they usually do, he had the ultrasound screen facing him so he could see things before we did. I played back, had the cold gel on my belly and he moved the wand around. Looking at his face, I knew. Something was wrong. He turned the screen towards us to show us what he was looking at, and I knew instantly what it was. There was no heartbeat. Again, we were devastated. And, it only got worse. I had to wait for an appointment to have a D & C done. Wait! My appointment wasn't going to be until the 15th. Supposedly that was the soonest they had available. The next few days, I started to bleed on my own. And this wasn't normal. It was so bad. I had never had cramps like I had at that time. They came and went like contractions and were also in my back. It was debilitating. I had taken the dogs out to go to the bathroom at one point and on the way back I dropped to the ground because it hurt so much. After that, I was getting sick. And ended up telling Eric we had to go to the ER. Something was wrong. I was sick. I was in excruciating pain. He knew I had a very high pain tolerance and if I was in this much pain, it was really bad.

This time at the ER we waited about 5 or 10 minutes to get a room. Mainly because it was Saturday afternoon. They called in an OB doctor for me and come to find out, our baby was sitting right there at my cervix. My cervix wasn't dilating and the fetus was too big to get through the opening that was there. I was in labor. With back labor. And had been for 2 days already. Finally, the doctor was able to assist on get it out. The whole sac was intact with the placenta attached to it. It was really hard to see, but I was happy to not have to wait another 4 days to have something done. After the ER, we went home. And for the next few days we just relaxed. Or attempted to. My back was still hurting pretty bad. It was tough to move or get comfortable. But eventually, by about the end of December, I felt better.

We decided to try one more time. That's all I was going to give myself. One more. It was too hard to go through 2 miscarriages. February 24, 2015 came and I took another home test. I took 3 that day. All positive. All fast and really dark. We were pregnant again. This time, we didn't tell anybody except a few people. Very few people. The last one ended in a miscarriage about 1 1/2 weeks after we told everybody. So, we decided we would wait. Each appointment we had, things were going very well. Very strong heartbeat. At one point, I was about 10 weeks along and was bleeding a little the after work and we were able to get in for a check up the next morning. Everything looked great and we even saw him start springing around the screen. It was like he was bouncing. That made us feel better. I ended up taking the NIPT, or Harmony test. It's a blood test where they take the mothers blood which has fragments of the placenta in it to test for down syndrome or any other diseases or deformities and will also tell you the gender. I took that test at 10 1/2 weeks and found out by 11 weeks that we were having a BOY! Also, everything looked great. I was not high risk. We decided to wait a few more weeks to tell people, and on Mothers Day we posted a picture of my growing belly and let people know there was a baby on the way. I was 15 weeks along. As spoken about before, everything was going well. Then the cancer diagnosis at 28 weeks.

As the weeks counted down (or up, however you want to look at it), and we got closer to when I would deliver, Eric and I talked with my new doctor about a tubal ligation. Since I was having a c-section, it would only take an extra 2 minutes or so she said. So, I signed the papers and it was set. What helped us make the decision was my cancer. With having the compression fractures in my lower back and needing to go through chemotherapy, it wasn't feasible to even keep it an option to possibly have another pregnancy. At least in my eyes. Because of the compression fractures, I had to have a c-section and we had to have Brandon early. He was putting too much pressure on my spine the bigger he got. Not only did this make it an easier decision, but the fact that Eric and I decided on only having one baby. It had been decided when we started to try. This is where the next part comes in.

Some people I know and some I don't know ask why we don't want to have another baby. It's not that we don't want to. Really, it's none of their business. But, it's not that we don't want to. It's that we decided in advance that we would have one together to go with his previous 3. And, down the line, we WOULD have another together. We would adopt. There are so many baby's and children out there who need loving homes. We know it's a very long, expensive process, but we feel it is worth it. It's worth it to let that child who was put up for adoption know they have people who will help raise them and be their parents. Give them a family to grow up with. To let them know that they were wanted, but their birth mother didn't feel they could raise them and give them the life they deserved at that time in her life. She wanted them to have a better life.

Eric and I, in no way, are doing this any time soon. Maybe a few years down the road, but not right now. Brandon is only 6 months old and I am still on my journey of kicking this cancer to the ground. We are busy enough with him and my upcoming transplant. Along with the recovery time. Plus, we want to give Brandon as much love and time as we can right now. His whole life so far has been around Kaiser and my appointments. Once I am in "complete response" and we can get back to a "normal" life, we are going to give Brandon a lot of time and take him places and show him things.

That is where we are with expanding our family.

Bone Marrow Biopsy, Then & Now

What is bone marrow & what is a bone marrow biopsy? According to healthline.com, Bone marrow is the spongy tissue found in your bones. A bone marrow biopsy is a procedure that takes a small sample of the marrow inside your bones for testing in a laboratory. This test is used to see if you have an infection, disease, or other problem in your bone marrow.

I've talked before about my first bone marrow biopsy. The one I had on August 19, 2015 when I was diagnosed. With that one, as I wrote before, Dr. H really had to brace himself against the table and really pound the needle into my hip bone. During that biopsy, my bone section came out brittle. As Eric describes it, like a rotten apple. It was like the slush of a rotten apple. The bone wasn't staying together like it should. That alone showed how this disease, this cancer, had already ravaged my bones. That was how we were able, along with my blood work I had to do, stage my Multiple Myeloma as Stage 3 Kappa Light Chain Myeloma. My first bone marrow biopsy wasn't that bad, from what I remembered. Especially since I had been experiencing some excruciating pain from what I figured was a sciatica (later realizing it was my compression fractures) and I really do have a high pain tolerance. Yesterday I had my updated bone marrow biopsy. The updated one they need for my stem cell transplant.

Yesterday started with Eric at work REALLY early. He had to be there by 7am. We had made the plans the night before that I would come and pick him up around 10:30 or 10:45am since my appointment was at 11:30am and Dr. H asked if we could come a little early. So, I decided that Brandon and I would get to CostCo around 10am so I could grab a few items we needed and and some mocha freezes. A little side note, if you've never had a mocha freeze from CostCo and you are a member, DO IT! Those things are so good and really wake you up. Ok, back to our regularly scheduled blog post. As I was looking at the books before I went to let Eric know we were there, Eric came out and said he was ready. So, off we went to grab the two items we needed, pay, get our mocha freezes and off to Kaiser.

 He doesn't look too enthused, at CostCo to pick up daddy

We got to Kaiser, checked in, and waited to be brought back. This time it was much different. For one, I have been going to Oncology for the last 8 months, so we know almost all the people who work there. From the receptionists, the nurses and some of the doctors. Ok, maybe not almost all, but a good portion I guess you can say. We are comfortable there. It is our second home. Some people have vacation homes in the mountains or at the beach or on an island or another state, we have Kaiser Roseville Oncology department. And, honestly, I don't mind it. Enough rambling. The second reason this time was much different is that I knew what I was going in to. I knew what was going to be going on. Our nurse for the day with Dr. H wasn't Kellie. It was a different one I hadn't seen before. We were called back, I got weighed and my blood pressure taken and while that was going on, one of the nurses that loves Brandon (because who doesn't?) Laurie came and gave some love to Brandon and even walked with us to the exam room. We waited maybe 10 minutes for Dr. H to finish up with his patient before us and then he came in.

It's always the same when Dr. H comes in, as I wrote before. He comes in and says hello to Eric & I then its over to Brandon. Really, if you've never met me and have only seen pictures of my little family, everybody loves Brandon. He's a very happy little boy. Eric says it's because of what I am doing. The fact that my cancer has been a blessing in disguise since I have been off work for the last 6 months (really 8) with him and I am able to mould him. Dr. H always says hello to Brandon and then brings up a picture of his son who is 2 months younger to say hello. I hope one day these two boys can meet. I think that would be an amazing thing. Both miracle baby's. One who helped save his mommy's life and the other who's daddy is helping save the little boys mommy's life. After the "hellos" and seeing how we are doing, we got right into the biopsy.

Dr. H had me lay on my left side on the table curled up in a ball almost. He was going to take the samples from my right hip, like last time. The difference this time, no pregnant belly to keep me from really curling up in a ball. First was the betadine to clean the area. Next was the hard part. The part that stings and hurts the most. The lidocaine. Once I was all numbed up in the area Dr. H made the cut and then aspirated out some blood samples from the bone marrow. This time, that part made me twitch a little. I moved my hip/waist area. Now, earlier I mentioned that my first biopsy the bone came out brittle and that Dr. H had to work to get the aspirate blood sample out also. This time? This time, when he went to aspirate the blood sample out, Dr. H didn't have to brace himself at all. He didn't have to work hard to get any kind of sample. This time he put the needle or tool in and immediately the sample came out that he needed. Also, this time, my bone sample he took was perfect. It came out as if you were to take a section of an under ripe apple. My bone was not brittle. It didn't look like slush. It was staying together. Of course, I don't see all of this happening. It's going on behind me. But to have Dr. H, Eric and the nurse assistant all say "WOW! That was easy!" It just goes to show that my treatment is working. That my bones are healing. Maybe not all the way my lumbar and T12 area where the compression fractures are, but my pelvic bone must be looking MUCH better!

The position I was in for the biopsy

After the biopsy, Dr. H said everything looks good and he was going to send my samples off to pathology. A little side note. One of my dad's friends from high school, Gardena High School, actually works at Kaiser Roseville in pathology. He's a pathologist. So, he may get my biopsy to test. Kinda cool if you ask me! Anyways, Dr. H told us to give him a call in about a week. He should have the results back by then. So, now we wait. Oh the waiting game. There's always a wait when it comes to all this medical stuff. I used to be very impatient when it came to waiting. I've learned over the last 8 months how to wait. How to just be patient and let the medical staff do their work. We will get the results and get our answers. So, waiting we will do. And in the mean time I will blog, play with Brandon, talk to friends, "shop", and just relax. Because really, that is all I can do. I can't make things go any faster. And honestly, I want the pathologists to take their time and really look at my samples and get the readings right. This is definitely going to show how well the treatment has worked on me.

After the appointment we went and got some lunch and then I took Eric back to work. I decided that since I didn't go say hi to his coworkers in the morning, so I went inside to say hi when I dropped him off. They all love seeing Brandon also, so it was only fair. And, since my pain tolerance is pretty high, I felt fine to walk inside and around CostCo a little bit. We went inside, said hellos, and Brandon ended up falling asleep in his carrier. Luckily he fell asleep and when I transferred him to his carseat he stayed asleep. All the way home and even when we got home for about 15 minutes. All in all, the bone marrow biopsy experience I have had hasn't been bad. They don't really hurt, well, this time I am a little sore, and everything is going to work out in the end. My next goal? To be in "complete response" after my SCT on June 6.

After dropping daddy off, he fell asleep in the Lenny Lamb carrier

Now, for me to spend the rest of the day relaxing and playing with Brandon.

Bonus picture from last night when we went to Target. Daddy carried Brandon in the Lenny Lamb carrier. 

Old Friends, Cancer Fighter - Kristy

Friends. We all have them. Whether we've had them since we were really young, or we made them as adults. We have friends. Some are just acquaintance friends. The ones you see see and talk to once in a blue moon or only on Facebook. Some you see regularly but not nearly enough. There are the ones you see & talk to all the time. Then there are the ones you'd been friends with forever and even though you may not talk to or see them all the time, but when you do, it's like you were never apart.

This post is about that kind of friend. And one in particular today. My friend Kristy Smith. You see, we've been friends since junior high. Through high school (same school as our junior high) we would talk every now and then, but had a little bit different group of friends we hung out with. After graduation, we lost contact. Then, because of Facebook, we found each other again and would catch up through messages and pictures. When my last relationship ended because I caught him cheating, she was the first to call me to see if I was ok. And she and her family were on their way back from a holiday gathering.

She, along with my friend Karen, were the 1st two I told about my new relationship after that one. Then, on April 14, 2011, everything changed. Not in our friendship, but in her health life. She was diagnosed with breast cancer. After she made her family rounds of calling and telling them about the diagnosis, I got a call. I was devastated, but she she reassured me that she was going to beat it. She was putting her big girl panties & boxing gloves on and was going to kick cancers a$$! And I knew she would. She had her own little Army along with her to help her through it.

She elected to have a bilateral mastectomy. Then went through chemotherapy and radiation. During that timeI would check in on her. See how she was feeling and how she was doing. For our birthdays (they are only 5 days apart) we went wine tasting in Temecula. It was one of the best trips I had in Southern California. The day started off with an amazing breakfast both Kristy and her husband Tom made. Eggs Benedict. And, to start the wine tasting day off, we had mimosas. Yum! I had never been wine tasting in Temecula, so this was a really fun day. Trying different wineries in that area. I have to say, my favorite wine of the day was the Late Harvest Chardonnay from Wilson Creek. Which, Kristy recently told me, that bottle is now an expensive bottle. I don't remember the price, but it's a lot more than it was back in 2011. We also had lunch at Wilson Creek. Nice little cafe/restaurant with amazing food.

Us at Longshadow Winery Temecula

The following year Kristy and Tom came up here to Northern California for my birthday. I had the Color Run that day, but afterwards Kristy, Tom, Eric, & myself all headed to Napa County to a barrel tasting at Clos Pegase. We had a really fun time. I remember one of the rooms in the cave area the Sommelier kept serving us multiple tastings of that wine. The place had amazing art on the grounds. Like a giant thumb. Odd, but cool at the same time. After the tasting, we came home and made smothered filet mignon. Sauted mushrooms with cartelized onions and blue cheese topped the filets. The next day, a big group of us went wine tasting in Amador County. Unfortunately Eric couldn't go, but he did meet us for dinner that night. The weekend went by too fast, and Monday came and Tom & Kristy had to go home. Yet another amazing weekend with them. 

Kristy & Me at Clos Pegase

A few years past before we were in each others presence again. But, as I said before, we picked up where we left off. This time, it was for Eric and mines wedding in August 2013. Tom couldn't make it since he works for Cal Fire and of course, it's summer, fire season. And it was yet another busy year since we had been having a drought for a few years. But, Kristy came with her mom. The first night we had a low key bachelorette party at one of the other brides maids houses. Then, the next day we had the rehearsal dinner and I stayed with Kristy and her mom in their hotel room. We made the bouquets, had cupcakes and wine and just talked. The next morning was the wedding and while getting ready we had mimosas. The 2 other bridesmaids came, along with my friend Christine who did my make-up and my friend Colleen who did my hair. The day was an amazing day. Marrying my best friend having my best friends by my side. It was a very calm and fast ceremony and just what we wanted. After the ceremony we did some wine tasting. Kristy found a coaster that was fitting for the time also. A breast cancer one. So, we took a picture with it. 

At my wedding 8/2/13

We didn't get to see each other again until the following year when she and their boys came up to visit before going to Toms graduation from the Cal Fire academy for Engineer. At that time I was pregnant. It was a very fun and exciting time. Eric, Kristy, the boys, and myself all went up to Apple Hill for one of the days before meeting Tom for dinner in Folsom. I couldn't wine taste but Eric and Kristy did at Jodar. We can't skip Jodar when we are up there. The boys were bored, but they had their caramel apples and were happy with those. When we were done there, it was off to dinner and to meet up with Tom at Chicago Fire pizza. Unfortunately, the dinner went too fast and Tom was off back to the academy in Amador County and we were back at our house. The next morning I drove Kristy and the boys to the Cal Fire academy. It was bittersweet to have to drop them off. Each visit seems too short, but I always know we will see each other again. I unfortunately ended up losing that pregnancy. Eric and I were devastated, and Kristy was there via phone to comfort me as a good friend is. She's really like a sister to me.

At Chicago Fire

Fast forward to last year. 2015. In February of last year Eric and I found out we were pregnant again. This was going to be the last time we tried because I didn't think I could face another loss (we actually had 2 miscarriages). I kept Kristy & Karen in the loop on how things were going until Eric and I were ready to announce to everybody that we were having a baby. Which wasn't until I was 15 weeks along. I would let them know how things were going every week or longer and we were making plans for a possible trip for myself or Eric and myself down to Southern California for a baby shower down there. Then, on August 10, 2015 at a routine prenatal check up my protein levels in my urine were still very high. So my OB Dr. K got on the phone and got me an appointment with a kidney doctor that day. As I explained before, I met with her, had more labs done and waited. A week later I had results. I sent Karen a message via Facebook and Kristy a text about the abnormal results. Of course, both of them told me not to jump to conclusions and just meet with the Oncologist when I had the appointment. August 19th came and the results were malignant. Kristy and I were now sisters in cancer. Not the same cancer, but with A cancer. I felt like sisters, and now we shared something else. It took a little bit to tell both her and Karen. I made the family calls first and then it was Karen and Kristy. Of course, talking to both of them made me feel better for the conversations. Both of them said I was going to fight and beat it. I was going to kick cancers a$$. 

What all of this meant was, Eric & weren't going to Southern California for a baby shower. So, since we weren't going there, Karen and Kristy came here. That was an amazing weekend. Having two of my best friends here, together, in my home. It was great. The short weekend was filled with laughter, very little sleep, crafting, baby stuff and of course, Target! We went to 5 different Targets in 3 days. Yep, 5 in 3 days. I think the next time they are both here we need to make it to more. Maybe have a day where we just go to Target. Whether we buy something or not. We go and take pictures in front or inside them. What do you say ladies? Haha! Again, that weekend went by way too fast. But it was something I really needed. I need some of my closest friends for a weekend. The ones I really don't get to see much since they live over 400 miles away. 

Kristy, Karen & Me in front of A Target

Where all of this is going is, today Kristy has been 5 years and counting cancer free! I am so proud of her. I never had any doubt that she wouldn't fight like a girl and kick cancers a$$. Through the last 8 months of my battle, I have taken her motto (which I know isn't just hers) and have fought like a girl with my burgundy boxing gloves (since that's the color of MM) on. Even though I can't get rid of my cancer forever, right now, I am planning on being in "complete response" for a long time. People say that after a stem cell transplant that it's usually about a 3 year time period before it comes back, but I am hoping that my health will hold out a lot longer. Kristy and I, at her last trip up here in February, got a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon from Jodar (our favorite winery up here in El Dorado County) that we were told would be excellent in 10 years. So, Mitch in the wine room wrote on the bottle for us to hold and open in 2016. At that time, Kristy will be 15 years cancer FREE and I am hoping to be 10 years in "complete response" since mine will always be there. Lurking. The bottle is collecting dust in our wine bottle holder. But that's ok. It's just aging for Kristy, Tom, Eric, and me to drink and toast to kicking cancers a$$ and many many many years of friendship! 

February when Kristy came up to visit & meet Brandon

Our bottle of wine we are holding for 2026

Kristy, I am so very proud of you. When I was diagnosed, after the shock, sadness and pain subsided, I knew I had a role model to follow in my fight. I couldn't think of a better person, friend, "sister" to have as a cancer beating role model than you. Thank you for being such an amazing friend and role model. And yes, this post took me a while to write because I had to keep wiping tears. I love you like the sister I never had. 

Wednesday = Chemo Day

Since November, Wednesdays have a whole new meaning. Wednesday is chemo day. Wednesday have been dedicated to Kaiser and going in for my chemo treatment. It's fast really once there. I don't have to sit in a chair for hours on end like some people. I guess I am lucky that way. But, I still get chemo.
The day starts at home. Depending on what time my appointment is at Kaiser, we wake up in the morning. We have a routine. Most days when we wake up I take care of Brandon and Eric goes down stairs first and gets coffee started then takes the dogs out & gets their food. Usually I am changing Brandon's diaper and feeding him. Then, once we have relaxed and had our coffee for a bit, we have breakfast. I need to eat before I do the "pregame" of chemo for the day. I say pregame because really, that's what it is. A pregame of pills.

Pregame Pills

Before my cancer diagnosis, I could barely take an Aleve or anything like that. I am just not good at taking pills. Now, I have on a daily basis 12 pills I take in the morning and 8 at night. On Wednesdays though, I have 33 pills I have to take in the morning. The number triples! On a daily basis I take in the morning a:
calcium pill {2}
anti viral pill {2}
one to prevent gout {1}
prenatal pill (I was told to keep taking it since I was taking it before the rest of them) {1}
pain pill {2}
a pill so I don't get constipated (I know, gross, but it can happen) {2}
blood pressure {1}
an anti nausea pill {1}
On Wednesday mornings, my pregame is all of those pills listed above but the anti nausea one is 2 pills, then there are my 21 chemo pills. It's 2 different chemo pills. 11 of one and 10 of the other.Then, when I get to Kaiser, once a month I have a 15-20 minute IV of Zometa for my bones and every Wednesday is a quick shot in my stomach of Velcade. Velcade is my chemo I get there. The controlled stuff.

Zometa IV

After Kaiser, depending on what we have planned, we usually go "shopping". It doesn't mean we go buy stuff, we just get out and walk around. We will usually go to the same places. The mall, Buy Buy Baby, Cost Plus World Market, Michaels, Barnes & Noble, and CostCo. My doctor doesn't want me doing my old Beachbody workouts due to my compression fractures, but wants me to walk. So, this is the best way to do it. Just walk around stores. I usually feel pretty good after treatment, so it's the best time to do this.
There are side affects of my treatment. Not the pills, but the Velcade and Zometa. Usually within a few hours after treatment I get a headache. It will come anywhere from a few hours later to the next day. I can't take anything stronger than Tylenol for it, and that doesn't help at all. So all I do is LOTS of water, a little caffeine and rest. The nausea/sick feeling usually happens a few days later. On Saturdays. Sometimes taking an extra anti nausea pill will help. Other times nothing does. All I have to do is push through. If the anti nausea pill doesn't work, I usually call a friend or neighbor to come help me. But, lately I haven't had to. The extra pill has been working and my nauseous feeling has been coming anytime between Thursday and Saturday while Eric is still home.
Another staple of chemo day is Target! Yep, Target! Who doesn't love Target, right? It's just peaceful there. I know all my moms love Target. Especially if they get to go alone. But I have gotten Eric to really like it too. A dad who loves going to Target! I'm sure as Brandon gets older and knows more of symbols of different stores and places, he will be excited for Target also.

Eric playing guitar, Brandon watching while I write

So, today is Wednesday. Chemo Day. I am sitting here in Brandon's room while he rolls all over it, plays with toys and listening to Eric play his guitar. We've had our typical morning as listed before of taking care of the dogs and breakfast. I've finished my pregame of pills. Next is to shower, get dressed and off to Kaiser...and of course our "shopping" locations.

Looking out the window in Brandon's room

Hope everybody has wonderful day!