Sad Feelings

Recently I have been having negative thoughts. Thoughts of what happens if my cancer comes back aggressive and nothing works to help knock it back down. Thoughts of what Eric and Brandon would do. How they would live without me. I picture Brandon not being able to go to his day care anymore. I picture Eric having to move closer to his parents as they would probably help with taking care of Brandon. I picture Brandon having a life without his mommy he loves so much and not understanding, at first, why she left him. All of this makes me sad and I cry. So, lately, about the last 4 days or so, I have been doing a lot of watching Brandon and his movements. His personality. How he's growing. I want to memorize it all. Everything about him and everything about Eric.

I am nowhere near leaving them. In fact, I am doing really well. My cancer is under control. Krissy, 1; Multiple Myeloma, 0. But knowing that, doesn't stop the negative thoughts every now and then. First thing that got my thoughts going was hearing on a support page on Facebook of a fellow MM warrior losing her battle this week. She was only 31. Can you believe that? MM took a 31 year old. That's young in MM world. I've stated when I first started this blog that the typical patient diagnosed with MM is in their 60's and older and is male. Not a 31 year old female. I was heartbroken. Wondering how her family is dealing with it. Did she have children? A husband? How did it come on so fast and hard to take her now? At the young age of 31? And it made me start to think the negative thoughts.

The next thing that happened was I got a letter/card in the mail. It was from something for my mortgage company. Basically, it said something to the affect of "Is your family safe in the event you die?" It's a little card I fill out to get information on what to do to make sure my family doesn't have to deal with my debt of the mortgage. So they can stay in the house and not have to worry. Even though that is a smart and responsible thing, me having MM and knowing it's not curable and I will most likely die from it one day. So that card in the mail hit me hard. And I got scared and cried. It's not like the mortgage company knows what's going on in my life. How could they? I don't tell them anything about my health. They don't need to know.

The last thing that hit me was so simple. I was watching NCIS season 14 on Netflix while Brandon napped. An episode came on  where Gibbs was visiting a friend in the hospital. A young girl who was diagnosed with stage 4 aggressive Ovarian cancer. All treatments weren't working anymore. She was dieing. It hit close to home because of other people in the support groups I'm in have been talking about how they have no more options because treatment is not working anymore. Nothing. No combination. Mine is still working for me. So, I am ok, but I still can't help the negative thoughts coming into my mind.

I know none of this is me. All the thoughts. I am doing amazingly. But I can't seem to help the thoughts that come into my mind. All I can think of to do is to just keep moving on. Keep doing what I'm doing. Keep watching Eric and Brandon and memorizing them. I want to remember so much in the case my mind and body decide to shut down. But I am also going to keep fighting. Eric and Brandon need me to fight. I need me to fight.