Workouts & Hair Do's

This past week I started to do something I used to do six days a week for over a year. Something that helped me get healthier and I think helped me get pregnant and stay pregnant. Last Monday I started to workout again. It started off as a way to hopefully get rid of a migraine, and ended up being something I have kept up with all week.

Monday, Workout 1

What I did was pushed play on the workout that got me started to getting healthy again. A Beachbody workout Focus T25. My favorite workout from the Beachbody list. I did this workout four times before I was told to not workout other than walking due to my compression fractures. I did the modified version during pregnancy even. Now, I am doing the modified version as well. Keeping in mind that I do still have compression fractures, the modified version is basically no jumping. You still get a great workout too. Believe me, I sweat like a pig. I even thought he AB workout was going to be hard since there is a spot on my back where the cement sticks out. It's like a small hump. It makes it hard to lay down on my back on the ground. Well, the AB workout was just fine. Actually, I was able to lay down with no problems. Of course, getting up takes me a little longer than a normal person though, but I was able to lay down.

Friday, Workout 5 & 6 (Double Day)

When I decided to workout again, I didn't decide to do Focus T25. I actually picked a different workout. Piyo. I thought that one would be better. That is was no impact and it would help me with stretching. So, I did the Piyo Align workout. Basically the workout shows you the moves you will be doing through the rest of the workouts. I did it and afterwards I felt like I needed more. That's when I decided to do Focus T25. I knew I would feel like I had a workout afterwards. And I know I need the stretching, but there is a stretch workout with Focus T25 that I will be doing tomorrow. Eventually I will do Piyo, but for now I need to do the more intense but modified workout.

Another thing I did this week was tried to do something different with my hair. As I have mentioned, my hair is growing back curly. I have the chemo curl as they call it. After what I did with my hair, I have to say I love my curly hair more. My hair has always been straight. It was tough to curl my hair even with a curling iron. I would have to use a lot of hairspray and other product to keep it curled. After I lost my hair to chemo, Eric and I wondered how it would come back. If it'd be a different color, curly or not, etc. Well, my hair is coming back the same color. Dark brown...with some grey and it is coming back curly. I have always wanted curly hair. And now I have it.

Straight Hair

Well, last night I decided to try something. I've done it before, but my hair was too short to do it and it turned out weird looking. Last night I used my hair drier and straightener for the first time in over a year. First I got my hair wet. Then, I used the drier to dry my hair. Next, I used the straightener to style it. When done, it looked good, but I honestly love my curly hair so much. Not just because I have always wanted curly hair, but because it is so much easier to manage and do when curly. It took me an hour to dry and straighten my hair. And it's short and it took that long. If I leave it curly, all I have to do is put some gel in my wet hair, style and go. Takes me all of five minutes after I shower.

So, after a day with straight hair again, I went back to the curly hair and I feel so much better. Along with my workouts, I'm feeling better about things. OH! And something I've noticed since working out is that I haven't had any back pain. Before I was working out I had back pain that was tough to deal with. But the last week I haven't had any pain and I was even able to keep playing with Brandon today. I was running around the living room and getting on the floor and playing with him. It made me feel good that I could do that. Instead of sitting on the couch or my chair all the time. So, since my last post, I am feeling much better about things. About myself and my MM. I plan on being around for a long time. I plan on seeing Brandon go to school, graduate college and even get married and have kids of his own. I WILL be there for it all!

Bonus Picture From Today

Sad Feelings

Recently I have been having negative thoughts. Thoughts of what happens if my cancer comes back aggressive and nothing works to help knock it back down. Thoughts of what Eric and Brandon would do. How they would live without me. I picture Brandon not being able to go to his day care anymore. I picture Eric having to move closer to his parents as they would probably help with taking care of Brandon. I picture Brandon having a life without his mommy he loves so much and not understanding, at first, why she left him. All of this makes me sad and I cry. So, lately, about the last 4 days or so, I have been doing a lot of watching Brandon and his movements. His personality. How he's growing. I want to memorize it all. Everything about him and everything about Eric.

I am nowhere near leaving them. In fact, I am doing really well. My cancer is under control. Krissy, 1; Multiple Myeloma, 0. But knowing that, doesn't stop the negative thoughts every now and then. First thing that got my thoughts going was hearing on a support page on Facebook of a fellow MM warrior losing her battle this week. She was only 31. Can you believe that? MM took a 31 year old. That's young in MM world. I've stated when I first started this blog that the typical patient diagnosed with MM is in their 60's and older and is male. Not a 31 year old female. I was heartbroken. Wondering how her family is dealing with it. Did she have children? A husband? How did it come on so fast and hard to take her now? At the young age of 31? And it made me start to think the negative thoughts.

The next thing that happened was I got a letter/card in the mail. It was from something for my mortgage company. Basically, it said something to the affect of "Is your family safe in the event you die?" It's a little card I fill out to get information on what to do to make sure my family doesn't have to deal with my debt of the mortgage. So they can stay in the house and not have to worry. Even though that is a smart and responsible thing, me having MM and knowing it's not curable and I will most likely die from it one day. So that card in the mail hit me hard. And I got scared and cried. It's not like the mortgage company knows what's going on in my life. How could they? I don't tell them anything about my health. They don't need to know.

The last thing that hit me was so simple. I was watching NCIS season 14 on Netflix while Brandon napped. An episode came on  where Gibbs was visiting a friend in the hospital. A young girl who was diagnosed with stage 4 aggressive Ovarian cancer. All treatments weren't working anymore. She was dieing. It hit close to home because of other people in the support groups I'm in have been talking about how they have no more options because treatment is not working anymore. Nothing. No combination. Mine is still working for me. So, I am ok, but I still can't help the negative thoughts coming into my mind.

I know none of this is me. All the thoughts. I am doing amazingly. But I can't seem to help the thoughts that come into my mind. All I can think of to do is to just keep moving on. Keep doing what I'm doing. Keep watching Eric and Brandon and memorizing them. I want to remember so much in the case my mind and body decide to shut down. But I am also going to keep fighting. Eric and Brandon need me to fight. I need me to fight.

All Over Again

Well, I have been on chemotherapy for 19 months now. I had a short 1 month hiatus for my transplant, but got back on it for maintenance back in July. So, I've been on maintenance chemo for a year now. Most of that year I have had no side effects. Well, other than the neuropathy I get a few days before I have my Zometa infusion for my bones. Otherwise, I was all great until about a month ago.

I go every other week to get my chemo and once a month I get Zometa. It seems that recently I have been getting sick after treatment. I was able to narrow it down to chemo because it happens when I get just chemo and when I get both chemo and Zometa. I get this weird feeling. All three times it's happened now I get sick. Sick to where I throw up. But the last two times I have a dizzy feeling. The crazy thing is, it starts about an hour after I have had my treatment. To me that's fast. Before my transplant, I would get sick. But I would get sick three days after treatment. Treatment on Wednesday, sick on Saturday. Never failed. I was going to be sick three days later. Now, it's an hour later. Luckily it only lasts a day.

When I get sick, I have eaten. See, I have to eat in order to take my medication every day. On top of eating before I take my medication, I also have to take an anti nausea medication. Just so I don't get sick and throw up my medication. I've tried only eating and taking my medication and I get sick. I've even tried taking the anti nausea medication and then my regular medication, and I get sick. So, I have to eat and take that anti nausea medication. Luckily it's just one small pill.

At least I now know this will be happening. And because I know, I can prepare for it and plan my day for it. I tried taking a second anti nausea pill this last time, but it didn't work on most of the symptoms. It made it so I didn't throw up, but I was still dizzy and light headed. So, this week coming up, I know I will end up being sick and will have to adjust my day accordingly.

 All the boys on the boat to Alcatraz

Brandon's first time on a boat

A few weeks ago I had my one year transplant check up at Stanford. We made a "weekend" out of it and went to San Fransisco the day before, which was Fathers Day. We spent a few hours on Alcatraz where it was a lot cooler than the actual city was. It was uncommonly hot. In the 80's, that day. On Alcatraz it felt about 10 degrees cooler. And so much better. After our time on Alcatraz, we went back to the car to get to the hotel which was an hour away and closer to Stanford. We wanted to get there and check in so we could relax and the boys could go swimming for a little while. We got to the hotel and checked in and got some food. When we got back, two of the boys went swimming and the rest of us relaxed and tried to get some rest.

The next day we had the continental breakfast the hotel had and then went back to the room to get ready for the day of my appointment at Stanford (which was going to be fast) and then to Pacifica to spend some time on the beach for a little bit. At my appointment I got the news that I could stop taking one of my medications. The thing is, I have to stay on it because of the chemo I am on. So, I really am still on it. But, I got the paperwork telling me what vaccines I can start getting. That's the big thing, getting my vaccines again. I am getting an immunity again.

After Stanford we got on the road to go to Pacifica. There, we had lunch at the Taco Bell on the beach and then let the boys spend some time playing in the sand and cold water. Brandon just wanted to wander around and see all the dogs and other people on the beach. He loves the sand. He will throw it on his head and do summersaults in it. After about an hour and a half Brandon was done and only wanted to be held. So, we had the bigger boys get cleaned up and we went to the cars to get ready to go. Eric and I were a little bit away from each other. I was ahead of him by maybe 30 minutes. On the way home he ended up in an accident with a motorcycle. He was changing lanes at about 5 mph when the motorcycle came up splitting lanes and hit him. After that he just had bad luck after bad luck. He, Ben and Kendel were finally home about 10pm that night. We were all ready to put that drive behind us.

The next day I sent my doctor a message saying I needed to start getting my vaccines. I ended up getting an appointment for that Friday. I now have a few of my vaccines. The flu shot I can't get until the fall when it is available. But I got the first of three Hep B shots and the Tdap and the tetanus shot. Next year I will get my Measles, Mumps and Rubella shot. That one waits until the second year after transplant.

Family picture on the beach in Pacifica

Todays post was just an update about what is going on now. Since it's further in between any kind of updates these days. Which is good when you think about it.

I Am 1 Again!

June 6th. Today is June 6th. Last year on June 6th I got a new lease on life. Last year I had my stem cell transplant on this day. So for that, today is my RE-birth day. I now celebrate my birthday twice a year. My original birthday. The date I was born into this world from my mothers womb is August 4th. That will forever be my actual age and birthday. But June 6th will from last year and for the rest of my life be my RE-birth day. The day I was given a new lease on life. The day my own clean stem cells gave me longer here with my loved ones. My family and my friends.

In the last year I have learned to slow down. It took me a while to really learn that, but that is the main thing I have learned. When I realize I need to slow down, I let Eric know and he will take over the early morning with Brandon so I can sleep in. He cooks and cleans. But the main thing is, he takes the early mornings. I have some days also where my body doesn't want to cooperate and that is when I take an extra day off work to rest my body while Brandon is at day care. Those 8 hours usually give my body enough time to recuperate and be replenished.

In the last year we really haven't done much. I have had to work and build up my vacation time and we have just been busy with my treatments every other week along with work. We did get to celebrate back in January with a short vacation where we went to Southern California to see family and a few friends and go to Disneyland and the beach. When we got to LA, we stopped at my great aunt Val's house to see her and so she could meet her great great nephew. We all, my great aunt Val and great uncle Al, Aunt Valerie and uncle Mike, dad and Linda and brother Lucas and Heather and Quinn all went to lunch. After lunch we made our way from Northridge to Long Beach and went to the beach. Brandon had a blast! He LOVES the water. He wanted to jump in fully clothed. He pretty much did. We ended up stripping him down to his diaper and let him get wet a little. Luckily my dad always has towels in his car. That night was an early night as we were all tired from the day. We were up early the next day for a full day at Disneyland. Brandon first trip and my celebration of being 7 months cancer free! That was amazing! The next day we left early in the morning to head home. Talk about a quick vacation.

Since then we haven't done a whole lot. Just the same old same everyday of working and treatment. No day trips other than a trip to the Folsom Zoo Sanctuary and a short trip up to see Brandon's first snow. Right now, I am able to celebrate my RE-birth day with  my step sons. We made cupcakes and everybody had 1 or 2 to celebrate my 1st birthday today. I had a large cupcake. A special one. One I ended up sharing with Brandon. We have my step-sons here for a month and tomorrow is our first big outing as a family to a place called Wake Island. It's a beach area and also has an inflatable aqua park on the water for the boys to play on. It's going to be a fun day and my first time out in the sun for a long period of time. Because of my transplant, I am more susceptible to skin cancer. So, I am prepared with a rash guard to wear in the water along with a large brim hat to wear. Not to mention my sunscreen. I am actually using special baby sunscreen to make sure I don't burn. I am prepared and ready for a fun day in the sun and water.

Next up is something I just found out about today. My youngest step brother is getting married this year. In October we get to take a trip to Southern California to his wedding. It is a little bit after Brandon's birthday, so maybe we can celebrate his birthday with that side of the family too while down there.

I am exhausted now though. It's been a long few days with a full house and it honestly is taking it's tole on my body each day. Mainly because it's more people to make sure are fed and getting enough food and are stimulated enough. But so far, I believe I am doing well keeping my step sons happy. It's tough since we have to work too while they are here,  but they have been very helpful with everything and keeping occupied. Now, I am off to bed to rest for the long family day ahead starting my 2nd year of RE-birth! Good night!

Mother's Day #2...Better Than The First

Last year was my first Mother's Day. But honestly, it felt just like any other day since I was going through my transplant process. I had just had a high dose of chemo and had just gotten home from Stanford. We were all exhausted and because of my immune system, we couldn't go anywhere. I was on a strict diet of not eating out. Everything had to be carefully and fully cooked and there were certain foods I couldn't have. Not to mention, I had to wear a filtered mask whenever we left the house or I wasn't in the infusion center. So, my Mother's Day last year consisted of naps and just sitting around the house. Eric and I did run to the hospital because I had to get a few prescriptions and my friend Julie helped us out and came over and watched Brandon for a little bit. That way we could relax and nap also. That was all of Mother's Day 2016. My first as a humans mommy.

 Fast forward to this year. To today. Today is Mother's Day. Today was a lot better and more enjoyable than last year. A week ago I had told Eric that all I wanted for Mother's Day was to sleep in, a pedicure and then dinner with him and Brandon. Well, he exceeded that wish! I didn't sleep in, but that was my own fault. Guess I am just used to waking up early. We all got up around 7:30am. So, maybe that is sleeping in for me. Yesterday I was up around 7am, and usually am on most weekends. Weekdays I am up about 5:15am. So, I guess I did sleep in today. We went down stairs and while I took care of Kahlua (she who is a fur baby), Eric started to get breakfast ready. He made us hash browns, eggs and blueberry waffles. He also made me coffee exactly how I like my home brewed coffee. After breakfast he brought over my presents. He got me a beautiful Peace Lily, Brandon's birthstone in stud earrings and a beautiful Koa Maile ring. Koa is a wood native to the Hawaiian Islands and Maile is a leaf that grows on vines in the rain forests of Maui, Kaui and the Big Island of Hawaii. The ring also has the infinity sign in it. 

After breakfast and presents, I got ready for the day. Then, left to go get a much needed pedicure. As I was leaving, Brandon kept blowing me kisses. It's the kind of kisses I get these days from him since he seems to be backing away from the actual kisses. I wanted to go as early as I could because I had a feeing they would be busy today. I was right. I seemed to get there at just the right time though. I was after a big rush and before the next big rush. Lots of mothers with their daughters. It felt good getting a pedicure. I don't splurge on too much pampering for myself outside of the house and the last time I had a pedicure, I hate to say, was September of 2015. Just before Brandon was born. I got a chocolate mint pedicure. Very hydrating and soothing. I love when they massage your legs and feet before applying the polish and after all the scrubbing.

When I got home from my pedicure, Brandon was napping. He needed the nap because he was getting really fussy before I left for my pedicure. He was asleep for about an hour after I got home and woke up happy and excited to see me. So, we got up, Eric got dressed while I got Brandon dressed and then we were out and off on our adventure for Mother's Day. We went to the mall to pick up my wedding ring that we were hoping could be fixed, but found out it can not be fixed. That is ok, as I have a new ring to be my wedding ring. After we picked that ring up, we went to the jewelry store Eric got my ring and earrings at. It's a new store calls Na Hoku. It's jewelry of the islands. I probably took a good 45 minutes to look at everything they have in that store. Eric and I agree, this is our jewelry store. I honestly don't want to get anything from another store. All the pieces were so beautiful. I want a necklace that is a mama sea turtle with baby sea turtle attached. Not to mention, so many more earrings, rings, bracelets, and necklaces. I don't know how I could ever wear all of it, but I would try. I have never been one to wear a lot of jewelry because I could never find much that I liked. But this store has everything that I love!

After the mall we had dinner at The Yard House. As always, Eric and I ordered off the appetizer menu because even the appetizers are big enough to be real meals. We didn't know until the end of dinner, but all Mothers got a free dessert today for Mother's Day. I ended up with a chocolate soufflé with vanilla ice cream. I thought they knew I wanted it to go but was happy they brought it to me on the plate because it was decorated with a message on the plate that said "Cheers To Mom!" I had a few bites then packaged it up, payed the bill and off we went to come home to relax some more and to bed early for all of us.

 He actually gave me a kiss at dinner!!!

The only problem I had all day was my stiff neck. I started to get it yesterday and woke up with a very stiff/kinked neck this morning. The massage chairs at the nail salon helped a little, but it still hurts like crazy. Heat and ice it is and a little massaging. Now, off to sleepy land as I have a very early morning. To all my mommy friends and family out there, whether human or fur or feather or scales, Happy Mother's Day!

Mommy Has Cancer

Ever since Wednesday, August 19, 2015 I have had these thoughts, these questions to myself, going through my brain. Those questions being "How will I tell Brandon I have cancer?". "When do I tell him I have cancer?" "How will I know when it's time to tell him his mommy has cancer and he helped find it?"

Here it is, almost two years later and I still do not know the answers to those questions. I know now isn't the time. Brandon is much too young to understand it. He knows and comprehends food, play, toys, bedtime, bath, etc. Simple things. But, it doesn't mean I don't think about those questions.

I imagine the way we will tell him is when he starts to ask why mommy has to take so many pills. Or, why mommy always goes to the doctor. Or even why mommy has to be careful about what she does. Why mommy sometimes can't carry him and why her back hurts her so much. I imagine that Eric and I will sit Brandon down. We will probably start by saying something like "Mommy takes all those pills because she is sick." Of course, he will think it's because I have a tummy ache or a cough or something like that. How we explain further is beyond me.

As it is, when I take my medicine I see him. He watches me. He points to my little bowl on the counter and makes his sound "Ehh?" A question. It's like he's asking me what they are already. Then, there's the times when he just wants me to stand up and hold him. Walking around the living room and kitchen or outside while he points and makes the sounds like he's asking questions about everything. Or pointing at pictures on the walls as if to say it's mommy and daddy in the pictures. But I can't stay holding him while standing for long periods of times sometimes. I have to sit and then he throws a small tantrum. Eventually he calms down. There's also those times when he wants me to chase him around the house. But I can only do it for so long before I have to sit and relax.

My cancer has eaten away at my spine. At a few of my vertebra. That is what makes it so hard to hold Brandon for long periods of time. I hate that my cancer has done that. It's taken away my ability to carry my son for long periods of time. I do what I can. Sometimes I push myself too far. Too much. But I don't want Brandon to feel like I am neglecting him. That I don't love him. Being young, he doesn't understand what it is I am going through. But I know that I give him all the attention I can with all my free time. I know he feels loved and knows he is loved because of the way he looks at me. Because of the way he gives me hugs. The way he blows me kisses when I leave for work.

I imagine in 5-10 years Eric and I will be sitting down to answer, to the best we can, all of Brandon's questions. Hopefully I will still be in remission and we won't have to be going to the doctor so much. I know I will be taking certain pills for the rest of my life. So he will have those questions. I guess I have years to figure out what to tell Brandon. To figure out how we will approach what he asks us. But it doesn't mean I won't keep wondering how we will tell him mommy has cancer.

11 Months Later Update

Today I had a follow up appointment with my Kaiser Oncologist. I guess this could be considered my 11 month post SCT check up. Since going back to work, it's been just me going to these appointments. Eric has stayed home or been at work when I have them and Brandon has been at day care. Today was different. Eric was off work and I was home because I have an upper respiratory infection and my doctor wanted me off work to rest for a few days. Eric decided he wanted to come with me to this appointment. Then, late last night, he had the idea to keep Brandon home from day care and bring him with us since everybody there at the Oncology department would LOVE to see him. They have watched him grow and develop in person and in pictures. Really, for the first almost year of his life, we spend every week there for my treatments. The staff in the Oncology department are his extended family. They've known him since before he was born.

So, this morning we all got up and dressed and ready to go to my appointment. We get there and Kathy, one of the receptionists who is the grandma to Brandon's "girlfriend", was so excited when she saw him. I watched her and she had to do a double take. It was kind of funny. Then Jo saw him and was excited also. We waited to be called back and the nurse Kristine came to get us. Unfortunately we didn't have Kellie today. So sad we missed her. And I'm sure she is really sad she missed us. While I was getting weighed and my blood pressure and temperature taken, nurses would come by and notice Brandon and be so surprised to see him. Some couldn't believe how big he was getting.

We were finally in the room waiting for Dr. H and Brandon was playing in the hall. Dr. H came up and saw him first and was commenting on how big he has gotten and saying hello to him. We all came into the room and Dr. H did my once over exam to listen to my heart and lungs and check my stomach. He asked me how I was feeling and I said I was feeling good. Then, he said everything is looking excellent. There is barely any bad protein to be detected. If any at all. And that all my labs are looking great! He hasn't said the words, but this means I am basically in complete response. A form of remission. My appointments with Dr. H go so fast because there really isn't anything to discuss. They are basically to make sure I am doing well and feeling ok. He did mention that we may be cutting back on the Zometa. That's the IV drug to help build up my bones. Instead of once every month, I'd be getting it once every three months. Too bad it wasn't the chemo we were going to be cutting back on. But that will come in time.

So, after todays appointment, I feel even better. I am still sick. I still have some bad proteins in my body, but I am basically cancer free for the time being. I am healthy and I am here. I have kicked cancers booty! And I will keep doing it.