Vacation

Wow! That was fast! The last few days we took a mini fast whirlwind vacation to Southern California to see some of my family and go to Disneyland. It started on Sunday morning at 5am when we left rainy Northern California (it was dropping buckets as we left) to drive to sunny (for that day) Southern California. We went from rain and 50* weather to sun and 70* weather. It was nice. The weather made it so we could go to the beach also.

This trip was full of firsts for Brandon. First thing was that we stopped in Northridge to visit with my great aunt Val, Brandon's great great aunt, who will be 102 this year. He also got to meet my aunt Valerie, his great aunt Valerie. It's kind of cool we both have a great aunt Val. Too bad we didn't get any pictures of them all together. After lunch we all left and my dad, Linda and us went to Long Beach to the beach by our junior lifeguard area. This was Brandon's first time at the beach and it was a hit and success. I definitely have a water baby. He kept trying to run back into the water. That boy had no fear of the water. He got drenched in his overalls, so we took those off and he ran around in a diaper and t-shirt. It really wasn't too cold out. And if it were, he really didn't care. His diaper ended up being filled with sand from the water. So we had to give him a little shower and then warmed him up in the car. We had been waiting for so long to take him to the beach and I am so glad we finally did. After the beach, we went back to my dads house and got situated. Brandon had a warm bath and we all got in comfy clothes and settled in for the night. Actually, we all fell asleep around 6:30pm or so. It goes to show just how much traveling takes it out of you.

The next morning we all woke up to get ready for Disneyland. Another first for Brandon. We weren't sure how he was going to react to it but we were hoping for excitement. Which we got. He was full of giggles and laughs just waiting for the tram. Could have been from getting enough sleep too, but I would like to think it was from the excitement of something new. And the Happiest Place On Earth. The weather ended up being perfect. It rained overnight and a little that morning, but it ended up being a cool and cloudy day. Brandon seemed to love the rides we went on. First up was Snow White and he was looking all over the place at all of the decorations and everything. One of the last rides we went on with him was Pirates of the Caribbean and he reacted the same way. Just taking it all in. Eric was wondering if he was going to end up having nightmares from it, but it didn't seem like it. Our adventurous kid we have there. We met up with my friend Karen and her daughters after Pirates. We walked over to California Adventure and went on a few rides there with them. Karen and I took a picture together and here's where you can see just how much my back has been affected by Multiple Myeloma. If you look close at the picture and take away the mouse ears, I am shorter than Karen in the picture. We used to be the same height. Now, there is a huge difference. I'm much shorter than her now.

 I'm much shorter than Karen now

After the last right, California Screaming, we parted ways. Karen and her girls went on Soaring Over the World and we left to go to Downtown Disney to do a little shopping and eat dinner. It was about 6:00pm at this point and the parks closed at 8pm and 9pm. We shopped for about an hour and then walked to the restaurant for dinner. Brandon took a nap through all of the shopping and woke up for the walk to dinner. Dinner wasn't a long wait at all. We got our table pretty fast. We all ordered and had Brandon's meal come early. He started to eat on his own and even though I cut a few small pieces of his burrito for him, he grabbed the big piece and started to eat it. He was so happy he was eating it all by himself.

After dinner we went to the Lego store and Eric got a Lego Star Wars character to go with the other one we got at the Disney Store. After that we walked to the tram to catch it to the parking structure to leave. I had decided, once we were at the car, I was going to see if my step mom was available and we would stop by to see her so she could finally meet Brandon. I got a text from her before I could send anything and set up the visit that way. We got there at about a quarter after 9pm and we visit and she got to play with Brandon for a while. We unfortunately had to cut it short since I had to be up early to get on the road this morning at 5am to drive home.

The drive was a lot longer going home. The reason was because Brandon wasn't comfortable in his carseat for the long trip home. So, we made more stops. Then, just south of Sacramento it started to rain. That helped add some time to the trip, but Brandon was asleep at this point. We got home about 12:30pm and spent the rest of the afternoon relaxing.

This was a much deserved and needed vacation after just over a year of medical appointments every week and the transplant. We could probably use a much longer one, but that will come at another time when we have more time saved up for vacations at both of our jobs.

Scare

Recently we had a scare. really bad scare. But let's go back some. You see, Multiple Myeloma is no joke. It's one cancer that is not curable, yet. Doctors and researchers are working diligently on finding a cure though. Of course, leave it to me to get a difficult one.

So, Monday I went to Kaiser to do my labs since I have chemo tomorrow. I always have to go have labs done either Monday or Tuesday before I have chemo on Wednesday. It's so the nurses/pharmacists know how much to give me. So, I went to the lab to have mine done. Also, I was due for a new pain medication prescription. I forgot I had to refill it and it was really too  close. I ended up having withdrawal feelings. In short, I was weak, feeling "blah" and it was hard to even "mom", but I got through it all. The hard part about withdrawal is the restless legs. I could not get to sleep last night so I took another medication that is supposed to be for nausea, but it also works as a sleeping pill/muscle relaxer. Ativan. I took that when Eric got home and he was able to take care of Brandon while I got knocked out and didn't have to worry about the restless legs. Eric takes such good care of me. Makes me love him that much more. I didn't know I could love him any more, then he does something that makes my heart skip a beat and smile. He is my soul mate.

Ok, back to my labs. Almost immediately the results were coming in from my labs. Most everything was coming back in normal range. No big deal. Then I looked at my WBC (White Blood Count) and it was low. The lowest for standard range is 3 and I am at 3.1 this week. That's down from around 5 two weeks before. Then I looked at the red blood and it stayed the same. But, my platelets came back really low. Two weeks ago they were at a hearty standard range at 182, this week they dropped out of standard range to 99. Talking to Eric, that's something that happens when the nasty junk protein is taking over. We still had to wait until the cancer protein lab came back, which wasn't going to be until today (Tuesday) sometime. Everything else goes really fast, that one takes a little longer. It was a nerve-racking night. That, on top of restless leg from withdrawals. It wasn't fun at all.

Late this morning that cancer protein lab came back, finally. When I saw it I burst into tears and my heart sunk. I couldn't move for a few minutes and was trying to grasp what I was reading. The cancer protein shot WAY up. Outside of normal range. I'm not going to lie, I was debilitated. I felt like I couldn't do anything. And all I could think of was why? Why me? Why now? It's only been almost 7 months since my transient. Why can't I have a break? Once I was finally able to, I climbed the stairs to our bedroom where Eric was sleeping to let him know what I got back. I was home from work today since I took that Ativan around 1am and it was going to knock me out for a long time. Better to be well rested than not at all. Ok, back on track. Eric was waking up and I told him and showed him what was going on. He asked if I had heard from Dr. H yet and I told him no but it was lunch time too. We decided to get up and get ready for the day and go get my prescription and hoped to be able to talk to Dr. H about it. Like if I should have another lab drawn or not.

When we got to Kaiser there was no prescription for me to take down but Jo went to find Kellie for us. Should couldn't find her but left a message for her and we waited. We waited all of about 2 minutes, if that. She came out and talked to us and we told her what was going on. She gave both of us hugs, long hugs. The hugs we both needed. She said that Dr. H wasn't there but he had talked to her this morning about it. About my labs. So, she knew what we were talking about. She assured us that he's thinking about it and watching the labs also and he's not far away. Finally, while down in the pharmacy waiting for my prescriptions (which I sat there for just over an hour for them...yikes!), I got an e-mail from Dt. H. Basically, he said there is nothing to worry about. This happens sometimes. What we need to be concerned for is if it goes up and stays up consistently. He reminded us in the e-mail that he warned/told us this could happen. Once he told me that in the e-mail, I remembered back to the first few appointments when he mentioned it.

I think between being emotional in general lately, having withdrawal symptoms from no more (my bad) pain prescription and all made my brain jelly and not able to think rationally. Dr. H's e-mail helped calm me down. And then our little shopping trip to wander at Target and get milk for Brandon helped too. I am so thankful that I have such an amazing oncologist and nurse. Ones that make us feel like family. My cancer isn't my oncologists specialty, but he took us for a reason. His wife was pregnant at the same time I was and I think he felt a connection there. He wanted to do all he could to help this mommy be there for her baby. He knew he had colleagues that he could go to that knew more about MM than he does. But he's said that he's learned a lot in the last almost 1 1/2 years with us.

So, I have my prescription in me. My pain med of Morphine ER (extended release) and I am feeling high. I've never felt like this. Crazy how going without for a day or two can do so much to a persons body and mind. It's a reason I want to get off it, but I have to wean off right. Not just cut it cold turkey. It's now making me tired and I have to be up early to get ready for work and chemo. Thank you everybody for reading. I know sometimes I ramble, or may not make sense, but writing helps me let you know what is going on without telling 50 people the same thing over and over again. That would old. So, Thank you!

Reflection

Cheers!

Today, or tonight, is New Years Eve. Right now there is about 30 more minutes left in 2016 before the clock strikes midnight and January 1, 2017 arrives. I sit here, in bed, snuggled up under warm blankets while both of my guys are asleep. Eric next to me and Brandon n his newly "remodeled" crib. We made his crib into a toddler bed tonight in the hopes that he will stay in bed and he won't cry so much. That boy. When we would put him in his crib he would keep crying. There was no stopping. No tiring himself out. No nothing. Once we made his toddler bed, he was crawling in and out of it. Walking around on it. And right now? So far so good. He's been asleep in it for about 45 minutes now. I did have to cuddle him to get him to sleep, but I will cuddle him as long as he lets me and then place him in his bed.

Toddler bed

A LOT happened in 2016. Lots of firsts for Brandon. Everything really. He started off 2016 at 3 months old. So we had his first foods, his first teeth, first holidays,  first time he sat on his own, first time he scooted or "inched" his way across the floor, then it turned into a crawl, first time he pulled himself up. That I remember plain as day because it was right before we went to Stanford for the first phase of my transplant. The first time he stood on his own, first time he walked along the furniture, his first word/words, his first steps (which happened to be on my birthday). Brandon has brought so much joy into our lives, but as most baby's or children do, a lot of frustration too. Mainly from the teething he is going through. It's really rough on him. He does not tolerate pain at all. He's not "thick skinned" like his mama. Poor guy is having a really rough time. He even had his first ER trip at Thanksgiving. He had a nasty head cold bug that would not go away and we wanted to make sure he didn't need any antibiotics or didn't have anything worse. Luckily it was a common cold and we were to keep doing what we were doing. And now, we end 2016 with him asleep in his toddler bed. Last year was so much different as I was up with him at this time cuddling away. Now, he's asleep, which he desperately needs.

Wired little guy!

Eric continued working at CostCo and being a caretaker for me. I tried really hard to not put too much on him because he can get overwhelmed when he has too much on his plate. One thing that actually helped destress both of us were our continued weekly (ok, a few times a week) trips to Target. I know, that's a "moms" place to go to escape the kids and family. Honestly, I love going with Eric. We started going when Brandon was born to just walk around and browse and we still do that now. Actually, we had one last trip to Target tonight for a few items. Eric really stepped up in his caretaker role when I had my transplant in June. Really, it started in May since I had to undergo high doses of chemo and get my port put in. Because of the port, I couldn't pick up Brandon for about a week. I had to have people hand him to me.

It's dark but it's my little family!

2016 started with me continuing weekly chemotherapy through April. In March we went to Stanford for my consult with Dr. W there. My Stanford/transplant Oncologist. He and the nurse assigned to us let us know what was going to go on and that I needed to do a few tests at Kaiser before my transplant process started. As May came closer, I had so many emotions running through me. I was scared, excited and hopeful among a few of them. Mainly scared because I had no idea what to expect. I had heard so many horror stories of things going wrong for people with their transplants, but hopeful because of the few positive stories. I lost my hair exactly 2 weeks after I had the high dose of chemo for a day the beginning of May. Actually, it started to come out in chunks the day after my stem cells were harvested. I remember being in the shower before we left to come home and had chunks coming out while washing my hair. Then, the whole way home I had chunks coming out. So I told Eric we needed to shave my hair when we got home. And that we did. June 1 we were back at Stanford to start getting ready for my transplant on June 6. Now I was getting really nervous. I had 2 more high doses of chemo. One was an overnight stay in the hospital and the other would be a few hours at the infusion treatment center. I was especially nervous and scared of the 2nd one. The horror stories of possibly getting mouth sores from it so I had to eat/suck on ice to freeze my mouth. I continued eating popsicles for the next 2 weeks and still ended up with a sore in my throat. I think between that and my fever are what go me hospitalized almost a week after my transplant. After my stem cells were given back to me. That I would say was the worse part of 2016 for me. Who cares about losing hair. It will grow back. Being hospitalized and away from my family really sucked. Especially Brandon. I was in no way able to care for him, but just being able to see him each day made me feel better. The hardest part was when we lost housing and Eric, Brandon and my dad had to drive back home for a few days. Having support close by helped me in the hospital, but with them away and so far away, it was tough. I did what I could to get better and hope my white blood count would come back up high enough by that Friday to go home. Luckily, it did.

Chocolate creme pie and writing

Back home I was able to be around Brandon. Just watching him play and develop made my heart happy and I believe it helped with my healing. It helped with keeping me going and doing so well so quickly. We did still have to go to Stanford 2 weeks later for a check up and then again 2 weeks after that. That second trip back is when they pulled my port out. Actually, Eric got to pull it out. Our nurse practitioner let him pull it out once she got it to a certain point. The coolest thing? We got to keep it. We have it in a bag here in our room. A souvenir of sorts I guess you can say. All summer I kept getting better and started my maintenance chemo the end of July. I opted to go back on Velcade as I know it worked for me and it wasn't another pill. So far, it's 5 months later and I am still doing well on Velcade. I went back to work in October which was an adjustment after just over a year off, but I had to go back to work and we were lucky to have the help of Eric's parents to watch Brandon while we adjusted and found a day care for him. We did find out at the last minute basically too.

There is one thing that weighs on my mind a lot though. When I had my transplant, Dr. W let me know that for 2 years after the transplant I had to be extra careful when I went out in the sun. Putting on layers and sunscreen. Wearing hats, etc. Why? Because I am susceptible to getting skin cancer now. Higher than before. Also, a lot of people who have Multiple Myeloma are not just susceptible to it coming back, but also to getting another cancer all together. Mainly, in the women especially, breast cancer. So, lately I have been worried about that. Dreading each day that I may be diagnosed with something else. I wonder "did I put on enough sun screen?" "Am I wearing enough layers?" "Is this hat brim big enough?" And then there is constantly doing self breast exams. I used to do them every day, now it's every other day. What has me especially scared is hearing that a friend who had one cancer, now has another cancer. I know they will fight hard, light they did before, but there is a long road ahead for them. And I know they know I will be right there fighting their fight with them.

Out cold!

So, in close, 2016 was full of ups and downs. Luckily there were more ups than downs. Here's to hoping I stay in complete response through the year. That no other cancers decide to show their faces (even if they do I will fight hard like I already have). And to my little family have another year of firsts and fun. If there is anything I have learned in the last year  it is that tomorrow is never guaranteed. Live your life to the fullest you can every day. Happy 2017!

Because of Multiple Myeloma

Recently I have been doing a lot of thinking. Unfortunately, it's negative or sad thinking. About things that Multiple Myeloma has taken from me. The biggest one is something that women would understand more than men. This one is the ability to carry a baby.

I've bee thinking about it more lately because I have friends announcing their pregnancy with their first and another friend who has a daughter announced her second. Not that we were going to have another baby, but Multiple Myeloma has ripped any chance or possibility of that away from me.

Multiple Myeloma ripped child barring away from me. It was a reason why we had Brandon five weeks early by c-section. And, since I was already going to be open and I would be living with this cancer for the rest of my life while being on chemotherapy off and on, we decided to go ahead and have my tubes tied. I was already cut open. It would only take about two more minutes. So we opted to have my tubes tied. Instead of having Eric go in eventually have a vasectomy. The difference, the woman tubes being tied is not reversible. At the time I was ok with it. I am still ok with it, but part of me wishes I still had the option to have a second. Even if we weren't going to.

Because of Multiple Myeloma I have been undergoing chemotherapy for just over a year now. Because of that, my body is not a good place to bare a child. I have chemicals running through my blood now. Because of Multiple Myeloma, my body is toxic.

Because of Multiple Myeloma, in order to give me a longer life with Eric, Brandon and the rest of my family and friends I had a stem cell transplant. I didn't know this until the transplant process started back in May, but the transplant has put me into early menopause. I was 37 when I started menopause due to my stem cell transplant. Because of Multiple Myeloma, my body has shut down all capabilities of baring a child again. Even if I never had my tubes tied, because of Multiple Myeloma my body has shut down all reproductive capabilities.

Because of Multiple Myeloma I am sad and upset. Because Multiple Myeloma, I sometimes am depressed and feel less of a woman. I still consider myself young and Multiple Myeloma has taken away the one thing that makes a woman feel like a woman. I should be happy that I no longer have a menstrual cycle. I no longer bleed once a month. I am, but I am also sad that there is no chance ever of me carrying another child. Even if it wasn't for me and I was to be a surrogate for somebody who is not able to carry a baby, there is no chance that I can do that. Because of Multiple Myeloma, I have chemicals running through my body and my reproductive system has shut down. Because of Multiple Myeloma, I feel less of a woman. Because of Multiple Myeloma, I am no longer whole.

Because of Multiple Myeloma...I am depressed, but hide it.

Love/Hate With Weather

As the title of this post says, I have a love/hate relationship with the weather. Mainly the cold weather. I don't care much for hot weather. I'd rather it be a nice 60-70 degrees out. For the last month though, it's been in the 40-50 degree range...during the day. That's not the night time temperature. That's the daytime temperature. At night it's been in the 20-30 degree range.

Don't get me wrong, I love the cold weather. I love it because here where I live it is showing the season. We don't get snow at our elevation, but we get it not that far from us. But lately, it has felt like it might as well be snowing here. I love the cold weather, but what makes me hate it is my body. My poor, Multiple Myeloma brittle body. Ok, not really brittle, but my poor body does not like the cold anymore. The reason? The reason is because since my transplant, my joints hurt. My joints hurt so bad it's like I have arthritis. I am sure I really do now, but I haven't been checked out. Might as well be something I bring up to my doctor at my next visit. He may know if that's a side effect of my transplant, or if it's a side effect of my chemo. Good God I hope it's not the chemo. I, unlike most people, like the chemo I am on. I don't get sick, it's not another pill and it's a quick in and out of the infusion center with a shot. No sitting in the chair for a few hours at a time and no nausea. It's a nice break from before transplant and even the first 2 weeks following transplant.

The joint pain is so bad that even sleeping messes with it. Well, the relaxation part of sleeping. When you are resting/sleeping so well that your whole body relaxes. It makes my joints lock up and ache when I wake up and try to walk. We keep the bathroom door shut for two reasons in our bedroom. One, to keep the cold from the window out of the rest of the room and two, we have a toddler who likes to play with all that nasty dirty toilet utensils. You know, the plunger and the toilet bowl scrubber. He also likes to play with the toilet paper. So, when I wake up, whether it's the middle of the night or the morning, my hands are so stiff and tight I can barely grab the door knob to the toilet part of the bathroom to get in there. It's like trying to open a door while wearing mittens.

The only thing that seems to help my poor joints is warm or hot water. During the week when I get up for work I take a shower. I get the water so hot it would probably scald most people. But not me. It feels good. Honestly, it makes me not want to get out of the shower. But, I muck up the discipline to get my shower done and get out. As long as my joints are feeling better, I am good for a few hours. Then I get to work at the warhorse we work in and I am freezing again. I will sometimes wear fingerless gloves so I can at least keep most of my hands warm. I might have to start bringing my hand warmers I got from the oncology department. They work so well. Basically, they are homemade packs that are cloth filled with rice you put in the microwave to warm up. You put them in your pockets and they keep your hands warm. We have bigger bags like that for our feet in bed. One is filled with corn and the other with cherry pits. I'll tell ya, those things are toasty and really help. On days off I will take a bath in the morning to really soak help my whole body relax and my joints to warm up and stop aching. Problem is, it's been so cold that I am not getting warm water in the tub. The temperature is more of the temperature for Brandon when he takes his baths. The temperature barely loosens up my joints. Then, I get out and they start to tighten up again. It happened this morning. My night time baths are fine. The water can get really hot. But, I don't always get a bath at night. Brandon doesn't always allow it. And by doesn't allow it, I mean he fights sleep and I usually end up falling asleep at the same time as him. Which means I miss my bath time.

The other thing is that we are in a two story condo. I can turn the heater on and it mainly heats up the up stairs. Barely gets the downstairs warm. Thats where turning on the oven to cook dinner or even lunch comes in handy. At least the oven will warm up the downstairs. I wish we had a fireplace. I know, odd to say with a toddler running around, but I really do. At least then that would heat up the downstairs. Maybe even one of those electric ones. The ones you buy in the store and have to plug in. I know some of those heat up a room pretty well. And that's another thing. All this cold weather that's making us have our heater up higher than usual is making our gas and electric bill go higher this year. I even bundle up and I am still cold. Sweats, sweatshirt, socks, Uggs or furry slippers, and a fleece blanket when I downstairs. In bed it's flannel sheets and an electric fleece blanket on top of that. Although, the blanket itself is warm enough. I don't have it plugged in and turned on. Then I have the warmth of Eric and Brandon in bed with me.

So, yes, I have a love/hate relationship with this cold weather we have been having. I love it because you bundle up, drink hot chocolate and it shows that it really is winter. I hate it because my body now hates it. My body is basically old and brittle. Multiple Myeloma has taken away something I love. The cold. It's made it so my body doesn't want to cooperate. Even typing my posts hurt my hands. That's something else all together. My left hand now has carpal tunnel. I had CTS surgery a few years ago on my right hand so it's ok, but the transplant has caused me to have it develop in my left hand. The joys of Multiple Myeloma and a transplant. All things not making git easy to mom. But I do it anyways. He needs me, and I will not let him down.

Christmas

This was my second Christmas living with Multiple Myeloma. Last year was full of uncertainties. We really didn't know anything other than that my chemotherapy treatments were working. Last year was our first Christmas as a family of three (five when you count the dogs). As scared as I was for the future with the unknown, I was excited for the new adventure with this little man we fell in love with before we even met him. This Christmas Brandon was a lot more active. He still wasn't sure what to make of everything but was excited to get some of his gifts. I'm sure he was least excited about the clothes. I also think he was a little overwhelmed over all of the gifts. Not being sure what to make of them all and how to open them all. Next week we may have an idea of starting to open them a few days before Christmas. Make it less overwhelming.

This Christmas was a little easier on me. I know a little more about my cancer. I have had my stem cell transplant and am doing well. So well, my doctors are very happy with my results and I don't have to see my Stanford doctor for six months. I still see my Kaiser doctor ever two months or so, but I am on chemotherapy still with him. Don't get me wrong, I am still scared. My cancer can decide tomorrow that it doesn't like the chemo I am on and decide to show it's ugly head again. That's the thing about Multiple Myeloma. It can become so used to a drug, it can mutate to make that drug not work. Which would mean I would have to try a different chemo drug. Luckily, that's not happening right now.

Having this cancer makes me appreciate things a little bit more. Because of Multiple Myeloma, I know that tomorrow is not guaranteed. I can get sick and an infection and if I don't get the right help right away, it can take me away from everybody I love. I hate to admit it, but I always have that thought in the back of my head. It never goes away. Lately, hearing of a few people in my online support groups passing because they got sepsis or something from getting sick has been hard. Then, there is my friend Maggie. I haven't met her in person, but we have a friendship that started on Instagram. She had her transplant over a year ago and six months later MM decided to come back. But, she is fighting hard and is on a new chemo treatment that from what I know, is working. She will hopefully only have a few more cycles.

One thing that keeps me going is thinking positive. I do have negative thoughts too. It happens in the fight against cancer. But, I believe having a positive attitude most of the time and an "I will fight" motto helps. I believe it helped my friend Kristy with her fight against breast cancer and I believe it is what is helping me keep going with my fight against MM. One thing I say also is, "I have cancer, cancer doesn't have me". The other thing that helps me get through the day to day is the amazing support from my family and friends. I may not say it enough, but I am thankful for each and every one of you. Just asking how I am doing or feeling helps. It shows you care. There was once a time I didn't think I had many friends. I know I have my few close friends, but then MM hit and I found who my true friends are and who cares. You all came out of the dark of our everyday hustle and bustle lives and helped in your own little way. Calls, texts, letters, e-mails, etc. Everything has helped me in my fight. My ongoing fight.

I joke that I never do anything half assed. So, leave it to me to get a cancer that has no cure. That's mainly/usually in elderly black males 60 and older. That eats away at your bones making it harder for me to do the things I love. And all while pregnant. Of course I couldn't have a regular "normal" pregnancy. Especially after having two miscarriages. I just wish I could catch a break sometimes. Let me have a regular life. Free of having to take medication everyday. Free of the pain (I have arthritis like pain throughout all my joints now). Free of having the fear that MM will strike and show it's ugly head again and I will have to undergo rigorous chemo again and possibly another transplant. It's not uncommon for that to happen.

So, this Christmas I have reflected on what I've been through over the last year. I am thankful for everybody in my life. Everybody who has been there through the treatments. Through the transplant. Through the ups and downs. Cancer is no fun. I wish there was a cure for ALL cancers. I wish there was NO cancer. But, there is. And all we can do it fight!

Vertebroplasty Part 3

I've been able to "test" out my new back for 5 days now. Still, no bone pain. It's amazing how fast that went away. Immediately. Immediately the bone pain went away. The pain I did have which I've spoken about is the soreness from the actual procedure. Like being hit in a fight and being bruised. Not that I've ever been in a fight. I just figure that's how it would feel. That pain only lasted about a day or so. I know by Wednesday I was feeling great!

Mid day and no pain holding him

One thing I have noticed is a different pain. This pain I have had before. Back when I was heavier than I have ever been. It's actually a weakness kind of pain. Before I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, I was getting to be in some pretty good shape. Something I hadn't been in, in a long time. I was working out 5 days a week and eating healthy. I still eat decently, but I am not as careful as I could be. I know portion control. And honestly, I can't eat as much as I once used to. I was definitely eating more before my diagnosis, but then again, I was pregnant AND working out 5 days a week. I was so healthy, only gaining about 10 pounds my whole pregnancy. Then came my diagnosis and my doctor telling me after having 2 different MRI's, that I was to only walk for any kind of exercise as I had compression fractures. It was then that I realized the pain I was in wasn't a sciatica or just from being pregnant, it was something deeper. It was the compression fractures my doctor just told me I had. Bone pain.

Using a carrier for the first time in over 6 months

It's hard to describe bone pain. It's a pain. A really bad pain. Almost debilitating at times. I would walk, like my doctor told me I could. Eric and I would go to the mall and Target and just walk. Especially after Brandon came along. But this bone pain I had from my compression fractures was scary. In order to do any  long walks like we used to I would have to hold on to something. Before Brandon came, we would just stop walking and go home so I could relax. After, we would want to stay out of the house since we were cooped up. So, I would have to be the one pushing the stroller. I needed assistance walking. There were a lot of times I would use my cane. Yes, I have a cane. That is how bad the bone pain was that I had. I had to use objects to help me walk. At one point Kellie, our nurse with my oncologist, offered to have him write me a prescription for a walker. The cane or stroller were fine though, so I declined. I could hold Brandon but not for very long while standing. I would have to sit after about 5 or 10 minutes of standing with him. That is how bad my bone pain from the compression fractures were.

He calmed down when I broke out the carrier

Now, back to the different pain I have now, after this cementing procedure. The pain I have now is a weakness. A weakness of my core muscles all around. Front and back, but mostly back. It's worse in the morning. When I've been resting it in my sleep and wake up. It's something that even a hot shower can't help, unlike the arthritis pain I have which the shower does help. No, this weakness pain almost brings me to my knees. I need to now get back to working out. To strengthen my core. I personally want to start with my Piyo workout dvd's I have, but Eric thinks they may be too much to start off with. He might be right, but I never do anything easy. When I went into the working out from my heaviest I had ever been, I started with Focus T25 from Shaun T with Beachbody. At least Piyo (also a Beachbody workout) is not as intense. It's a great stretching workout combining yoga and pilates. I think it would be a good workout to start with and then move on to my T25 again.

So, basically, I do have some pain, but this is a fixable pain with a little hard work. It's not something a doctor can fix with a surgery or some kind of a procedure to fix a problem. This pain will go away. As soon as I get up off my butt and get moving and working out again. Now, to find the time when Brandon will allow me to do it. Until then, I will make sure I don't over exert myself in the mornings and let my body "wake up" or "warm up" before I do anything like picking Brandon up from a standing position where I need to bend over. I'll do it from a sitting position. Later in the day I will be fine, I just have to be careful in the morning. I'm still happy with the cementing procedure. I would do it again if I needed to.