Hip Pain

You would think I'd be used to pain by now. I am almost 2 1/2 years into my battle with Multiple Myeloma and have dealt with back pain the whole time. Yes, I had a Vertebroplasty just over a year ago that took some of the pain away, but not all.

For the last few months (maybe 3 or so) I have had a new pain. Well, it's the same type of pain, just in a different spot. The new spot is in my hips. It started in my left hip and would come and go. But the last few days it's been constant. Now, just this weekend, it has started in my right hip also. In this hip it has been consistent. Not like the left hip where it was off and on. It has been consistent.

One thing MM does is "eat" away at your bones. That's how I got the compression fractures in my T12 and lumbar spine. I'm afraid that the MM is "Eating" away at my hips now. That scares me. Why? It means my hips would be getting fragile and could eventually break. That a wrong move could cause a bigger break than I have had in my spine. Being an almost 40 fairly active woman with a toddler, I don't want or need for my hips to break. I don't want a hip replacement. That's what would eventually happen. I would need a hip replacement. Unless there is another procedure that I don't know about yet. But from what I can tell, you break a hip and you need a replacement. I can't be out of commission for who knows how long after one, or two hip replacements.

Started writing this post last night. I wrote it on my phone. Then, I was going to write it this morning when I woke up. That's exactly what I am doing, all while my hips, both of them, are hurting. I've already taken my Morphine ER (extended release) pain medication this morning. Honestly, I have, for the last 6 months, been taking it once a day because I hadn't really been hurting. When I would wake up with pain I would then take it twice a day. But like I said, the pain has been mainly off and on. Until recently. This last week the pain has become more consistent. So, I have started back at taking my pain medication twice a day. Also, twice in the last week I have had to take my breakthrough pain medication of Dilaudid.

Maybe it's because I am back to work and moving a lot more. Maybe that is where the more pain is coming from. The fact that I am moving a lot more than usual. And honestly, I kinda hope that's it and it will go away and be normal again soon. That I will just have the typical back pain and the hip pain will go away. But I am also realistic and know that the hip pain has been there for a few months. So, yes, I'm scared. It would also mean that the MM is rearing it's ugly head again. But then my labs are looking good. I just don't know. And I am always going to worry. My life is full of worry knowing that I can not get rid of this cancer all together with a surgery like some other cancers.

Only time will tell what is going on. I have a message in to my Oncologist, Dr. H, but know that today is a holiday and so it will be another day before I hear anything from him. Ohhhhh the waiting game.

2017 In Review

Well, it's the beginning of a new year. 2017 is over and today was the first day of 2018. So much happened in 2017. I started the year working a temporary position with the Telecom unit for State Parks. It was only to last a year. It was a great spot for me to work at since I couldn't (and still can't) go back to dispatch yet. I was lucky enough to work with some amazing co-workers. Only three of us in the office on a daily basis and we had two others that would come in to help us about once or twice a week. Honestly, working with just a handful of people was amazing! Coming from working with about 10-15 people in dispatch. Most jobs have even more than that.

We started 2017 with a quick family trip to Southern California to visit my family and go to Disneyland. Brandon's first time. When we left, we left at about 4 or 5 in the morning. It was pouring down rain too. So much that it was hard to see out the windshield. We kept Brandon in his pajamas with the hopes he would just go back to sleep. Honestly, he was a great traveler. He fell back to sleep after about an hour or two on the road. Brandon started to get a little fussy about being in the car about 5 hours into the drive, but we were almost to our first destination. My great aunt Val and uncle Al's house in Northridge. It was great to see them and have them meet Brandon. My aunt Valerie and uncle Mike were there too along with my dad and brother with his family. We had lunch then everybody went their ways. Us going to Long Beach to my dads house with him. Of course, we had a stop at the beach for Brandon's first trip to the beach. He LOVED it! He kept trying to run into the water. We ended up having to take off his clothes because he was getting so wet and sitting down in the water. After we got to my dad's house we all settled in and everybody went to sleep really early. I think it was about 6:30 or 7 when we all went to bed. The next day was Disneyland. It was raining that day but it made for a great trip since there wasn't that many people at the park. Made going on the rides so much easier. We even met up with my friend Karen and her girls for a little visit and to go on some rides together before we all left for dinner. On the way back to my dad's house we stopped off at my step mom's so she could finally meet Brandon. It was a quick visit as we needed to get back to my dads house to sleep so we could wake up early to leave to go home the next day. Again, we left at 5am to miss traffic and this time Brandon was over the trip sooner than before. He was just tired of being in the car. We made it home in the early afternoon since it was raining still. All in all, our first family road trip of the year was a success!

February was uneventful until the end. We were in a car accident that ended up totaling our car. Our car we only had for less than a year. We were actually about a month shy of a year. It was a brand new teenage driver driving a friend home at night. She most likely wasn't paying attention and showing off for her friend. Which, that right there. Her driving with a friend in the car and no adult is illegal. The thing that really irked me and still does to this day is that she only got a warning. She should have lost her license. But the cop let her off. She obviously shouldn't be driving and her parents should have gotten a ticket or something too. But whatever.

The next few months went by pretty fast. We got some money from the accident and used it to have Eric's older boys come out for a month to visit. That was in June. It was so good to have them here and for them to meet Brandon in person (before it had only been on FaceTime) and they also got to celebrate my 1st REbirthday. June 6th marked one year since I got my transplant. WOOHOO!! I had been in complete response for a whole year. While the boys were here we did family pictures, went to a water park called Wake Island and to San Fransisco, Stanford and Pacifica. San Fransisco was on Fathers Day and we mainly went to Alcatraz. It was Brandon's first boat ride. He loved it. He loved watching the other boats on the water as we were on our way to Alcatraz and back to the shore. We stayed the night in Palo Alto so we were near Stanford for my 1 year follow up appointment with my transplant doctor. On that visit Dr W said everything was looking fabulous and that he didn't need to see me for a whole a year. No Stanford trip for a whole year felt amazing to hear. I love all the doctors and nurses there, but it takes up a whole day to go there and back for an hour at the Cancer Center. On the way home we hit traffic and unfortunately Eric ended up in a minor accident. To us, it was the motorcycles fault, but I guess no mater what, when a motorcycle is involved, it's the cars fault. Shitty, but nothing we can do about it. We had it taken care of. Eric ended up having to be towed home all the way from Oakland because the motorcycle popped his tire and then the spare got a flat after a short distance. Ugh! Not fun, but we all made it home. Later than we thought we would. It was bittersweet, but the boys had to go back home to Missouri just before 4th of July.

August came and Eric and I had a low key 4th wedding anniversary. We just made dinner at home and celebrated with Brandon. Then, two days later we celebrated my 39th birthday with a family and few friends dinner at The Spaghetti Factory. Since my cancer diagnosis, I want to celebrate my birthday even more, whether low key or party, because every year I am still here with this cancer, the better. The end of August brought on me stopping work for a few months due to treatment. Treatment was making me sick and we had to figure out why.

In September we celebrated Eric's birthday and that was pretty much it. It was nice to have a month where we didn't have much to do. Especially since chemo was making me sick more days than not it seemed.

October was a big month. First, Brandon turned 2. He had a little birthday party at day care where I made cupcakes for all the kids. He also got a super cool construction worker Lego set from Kourtney. He loved it! Then, my step brother Jeremy was getting married and originally we weren't going to be able to go. Then, my dad offered to pay for Brandon and myself to fly down for a few days for it. So, Brandon had his first ever plane ride. At the airport he was fine. But, it was getting on the plane that he didn't like. He had his own seat but was freaking out so much that he sat on my lap the whole flight. It was tough trying to navigate the airport in Long Beach by myself with everything I had for us. One of the pilots saw me struggling and helped me get to baggage claim. And luckily that was right next to where my dad was picking us up. We had a great trip down to Southern California again. We went to a park I grew up going to. We went to the beach again, where this time Brandon was a little more scared. Even in the bay portion of Long Beach where there were no waves. We also went to see grandma Susan (my step mom) and to the Aquarium of the Pacific. We went to Riverside to visit my brother and go swimming in his pool. And the wedding was beautiful. It was great to have all 4 of us kids together in one place again. Even if just for a night. And I have gained a new beautiful sister in law, Anna. Before we left, my friend Karen picked us up at my dads house and we went to lunch and the Lakewood mall that I grew up going to. Then, she dropped us off at the airport and helped me organize everything to make it easier to get through the airport and security. The best thing was actually wearing Brandon this time. Especially since about 10-15 minutes before we were to board he fell asleep. Making it easier to navigate getting on the plane. He slept in my arms and on my lap until about 5 minutes before we landed. When we landed and got off the plane it was great to be back with Eric. I couldn't wait to hug and kiss him. It was the first time, other than when I was hospitalized after my transplant, that we had been apart for a few days. It was hard, but also good for us I guess. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. The next thing was Halloween. We all dressed up as a family of scarecrows. It was great! And everybody that saw Brandon while trick or treating thought he was the cutest.

November came and we started to have issues with Eric's car after it got fixed. So much so that it was cheaper to get a new car than it was to fix it. So, after 10 years with his little "skate", he sold it to a friend and got a new car. A 4 door Accent instead of a 2 door hatchback Accent. I was also cleared to go back to working, just not to dispatch yet. So, the return to work person is searching for a "reasonable accommodation" position for me. In my opinion, it's taking too long. But I understand it's tough to find a position. Hopefully they find something temporary at least soon. My dad also came up to visit for Thanksgiving as usual and we missed having his friend Linda here also. But she had to work. Unfortunately, on Thanksgiving day I was feeling sick from chemo the day before and my dad wasn't feeling well from something else. So, poor Eric did most of the cooking. But dinner was still great and we enjoyed having my dad here as usual.

Then came December. Christmas month. Even though I wasn't working, we still had a good month. We decided to get a real tree this year but we wanted a small one. Originally we went to Apple Hill but they wanted $90 for a cut your own tree, tree. Forget that! We found what we wanted at Lowe's that night and brought it home and got it up. Actually, that was in November. The day after Thanksgiving. We also decided to make December as festive and Christmasy as possible. So, once or twice a week we would go out and drive around looking at lights. It was great because Brandon learned to say "so pretty" and would "ooooooo" at all the lights as we would drive by looking at them. The Saturday before Christmas we went to my brother and sister in law's house and met up with my mother and father in law also and made Christmas cookies. We made A LOT of cookies. Brandon didn't want to help, so all the boys (father in law, brother in law and Brandon) all went to the park to get some energy out of Brandon. It was a great day. Christmas Eve we had a visit with my aunt Jean and then Brandon had a late nap, so we couldn't go to Mass at the Catholic church light we wanted to. Instead, Eric went to the Mass at 10pm and Brandon and I stayed home since he needed to get to bed. Christmas morning we woke up and snuggled for a little bit as a family and then went down stairs to see what Santa brought. Brandon was spoiled, again, this year. We had started shopping early in the year and ended up with a lot of stuff. All of which he loves. We went to my brother and sister in laws for Christmas dinner and more presents and it was nice to have a festive Christmas with family. Brandon didn't have day care last week as she closed for the holiday so I spent the week with him. New Years was now here. As a family we just stayed home and all of us fell asleep early as we were exhausted.

We had some good things in 2017 and some bad. The bad I am glad to leave behind. Here's to hoping 2018 is better!

ASD Evaluation & Diagnosis

The last day has been hard for me. Nothing to do with my cancer. This is about Brandon. A little back story. He has delayed speech. Before he started speech therapy back in October he was only saying maybe a handful of words. And only one phrase. That phrase was "Bye daddy". Some of the words he was saying were "dada, mama, hi, bye, and Lua (for Kahlua)". In order to be speech evaluated through Kaiser, the child needs to go through an ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) Evaluation. Well, even though we already have the speech therapy through Alta Regional, we still are going through Kaiser to have it documented. Yesterday was Brandon's ASD Evaluation.

The ASD Evaluation is a 4 1/2 to 5 hour process of play base testing and then an interview with the parents. Unfortunately Eric couldn't go. His boss wouldn't let him have the day off as a trade. He was trying to trade to work the night shift instead, but as I think about it, I think it was a no because he had to be back to work today at 6:30am. Anyways, we got to the center a little late because it took FOREVER to get there it seemed. Mainly because there is no direct route to the location of the center. No freeways straight through. They would take us way around, so, surface streets it was.

This was the first time I saw Brandon be shy around anybody when he first met them. He was standoffish with the clinical psychologist. But, he eventually warmed up to her...with a little bit of my help. We went into a room where there was a one way mirror. People could sit in the observation room without the child to see. The first evaluation was the cognitive functioning evaluation. What that entailed was giving Brandon a puzzle of sorts where he was to put the different shaped blocks into the right spot. Also, how he deals with getting a cheerio out of a bottle and things like that. Brandon did amazingly. He was quick to putting the blocks in the right spot without any hesitation. Same went with the cheerio in the bottle. On that, he tested in the average range. I had no doubts about it at all.

The next phase, after we had a 10 minute break, was the ADOS-2 and DSM-5 diagnostic impression. This was all play based while the clinical psychologist from the first evaluation and another observed him doing different things. During this time, Brandon didn't want to play with the doll, which I already knew he wouldn't and mentioned it to the clinical psychologist when we first got in the room that he wouldn't. He just doesn't like dolls or stuffed animals. But they used bathing the baby as a play evaluation. Brandon was more interested in how the bathtub worked. He was taking it apart and putting it together. He was also interested in the door to the room. Mainly the door handle. I can see how he was interested in it since we don't have those handles at home and you could lock it and then unlock it by turning the handle. It was fun. Like I said, it was all play based. So there were all different kinds of toys on the ground also. He played a little with the blocks, the big dump truck and the cars. Leaving the baby doll and purse alone. He's a total boy. It's not for a lack of trying with dolls or other girly things. He just prefers the "typical" boy toys.

After that part was over we had a 30 minute break in which I opted to stay in that room and I put music on for Brandon and we danced and chased each other. Then it was time for the parent interview. So, the clinical psychologist asked me questions about Brandon and I answered them. Everything she asked I knew except for the ones about interacting with other kids. I know he does at day care and I have seen him a few times with other kids at the park and his cousin more recently. He interacts with them. He plays with them. Sometimes he wants to be a loaner. Shoot, I'm an adult and I don't blame that. I feel like being a lone at times also. While she was asking me the questions, Brandon got to run around and play with some toys and have snacks.

When that portion was done, there was a five minute break and then she came back in to give us the preliminary results. She sat down and mentioned these are just preliminary results and that the full report would be available and sent to us in a month. She said that the preliminary results is that his cognitive is average. He is right where he should be. Then, she said the results I was NOT expecting. She said that Brandon was preliminarily on the moderate to severe range for Autism. I was in shock! My happy, outgoing, fun, loving little boy was supposedly moderate to severe on the spectrum? There is no way! Maybe closer to mild to moderate but not moderate to severe. I broke down. I cried. Not that it's such a horrible thing to be on the spectrum. Shoot, my husband is on the spectrum. It's the wording that was used and the results. What do they expect when the child has been teething (2 year molars are coming in) and is up in the middle of the night because of it and he had to be up earlier than usual. He isn't going to want to do some of the things they expected him to do.

Once home, I let Eric know what happened and also Brandon day care provider. She helped me a little by letting me know that early intervention is key and that there was another kid in day care that was just diagnosed earlier this year the same way and also through Kaiser. Once I heard from Eric and when I picked him up last night from work I was able to explain to him everything that went on and tell him what the clinical psychologist said. He too was dumbfounded by the results. Neither of us think he is moderate to severe. When I hear that, I think of his son Benjamin and a friends son. I also thought to what two of Eric's older boys say. They hate school. They hate it because they are picked on because they are on the spectrum. I was already nervous (years early) about school for Brandon because of the bullies out there among the other things like school shootings which have become almost normal now. I just can't believe he could possibly be that far on the spectrum. Not my happy go lucky boy. We both told our parents and got the same reactions that we had/have.

This morning, when I dropped Brandon off at day care I was able to talk to his provider face to face about it. She said she was talking to another friend who's son is older than Brandon but was also diagnosed the same way and also through Kaiser. He was diagnosed at 18 months with the same thing. Moderate to severe. She told her that it's just the wording they use to get the assistance and help the child will need. I can understand that, but they should have explained that to me when she was telling me the preliminary results. Instead of letting me sit there balling my eyes out basically over making me think that because he's a delayed speaker and doesn't do certain things the way they want him to that he's moderate to severe on the spectrum. I think they need to work on how they tell parents results.

I'm going to wait until we get the full report, but eventually I want to get books on how to HELP Brandon succeed and feel confident and not feel like he's dumb. To help him not be picked on in school over this diagnosis. We will eventually go to classes on what to do and how to help him. He will get another therapist that will be able to work with him with these things. Things will be ok, it's just the initial shock when you do not see it. When so many people around him DO NOT see it. Just one more stressor on me that I really do not need. This week we will have labs done for him and get a genetic testing done also. Things will be ok. We just need to figure out our next steps.

New Normal

Eric and I were talking recently. Well, we always do, but this was about recent events. We've realized we have another new normal. Mainly me. I mainly have a new normal.It started back in June. I thought it was just a one time thing, but it kept happening. And still does. It's not predictable either. What is it you may ask? It's me not feeling well. It is me being nauseous out of the blue. It is me having more days than not where I feel horrible and crappy. My treatment, after not making me sick at all for two years, is now making me sick on random days.

My first five months of chemo treatment I would get sick three days after treatment and that was all. It was ONLY in the morning and would last half a day. But, that wasn't from this chemo treatment. It was from the pill form of chemo I took for those five months. Now, I can't predict any of it. And honestly, it's frustrating me to no end. I hate it. I especially hate it when I am feeling great and playing with Brandon and then it hits me. I get hot and then weak. I get nauseous and extremely tired.  I feel like I have been hit by a Mac truck.

An example is today. I had treatment yesterday and I felt honestly amazing all day. This morning I woke up and felt fine. Tired, but I felt good. After dropping Brandon off at day care I came home and it was on my way home that it started to hit me. I started to feel weak. I started to feel even more exhausted. I started to feel nauseous. My first thought was that I was hungry (which I was) and just needed coffee. Once home, I got breakfast, including coffee. It took me a while, but I ate it and finished my coffee and got my daily medicine in. I waiting a little while and I was still not feeling well. Drained.

I felt drained. Like everything I had was coming out of me and I just couldn't do anything. So, I played down on the couch and decided to try to rest it away. I decided to try to rest my way to feeling better. Five hours later I was finally feeling better. Well, enough to take a shower and make myself look better than the disheveled over spent mother and woman and cancer slayer that I am. Before the shower I got the idea for this post and started to write it down. Why? I didn't want to forget it.

Lately, other than the sickness I get randomly, I have had major chemo brain. So bad that if I don't write it down or do what I want to do right away, I will forget it. Within minutes. I lose my train of thought at times because of it. I think as the chemo seeps though my body more, the more I get chemo brain. Then you add on to that mom brain. I have a double whammy there. I have eight more months at least of my maintenance chemo. I hope that that is all I have. And for a long time. I hope that I will not need chemotherapy for many years to come when I am done with this maintenance portion. Then maybe, just maybe, I will get back to my old self. To the not so forgetful woman I used to be. Maybe then I will be able to be a regular "normal" mom for Brandon. I know for a fact that I will not be sick as much. Well, I hope I won't be as sick.

So, here's to attempting to just deal, for the next eight months, with these side affects and then get on with a regular new normal life. Get on to a life where I'm not always sick and can give Brandon a regular life away from so many doctors appointments. That's what I want. I want a normal life again.

Last Minute Flight

Last week I had an opportunity. Originally, we weren't going to be able to make it to Southern California for my step brothers wedding because a) we couldn't afford it and b) Eric couldn't get the time off work. So, I just figured we wouldn't be going. Then, my dad offered to pay for mine and Brandon flights down so we could go. Well, so I could go and Brandon can visit with everybody. So, we did just that.

We left on Friday late morning and got there an hour or so later. I am not going to lie, I was nervous about taking a flight all by myself with Brandon and a carseat and stroller. It was nerve racking. I was lucky enough to have the help of my mother in law. She was able to get a guest pass to help me through security and to the gate until we boarded. Problem was, trying to push the stroller and carry the carseat at the same time after that point. Luckily, the people with the airline helped me out and carried the carseat down to the plane for me. Then passed it off to the flight attendant to put it in the seat for me. As we boarded the plane, Brandon started to have a fit. He was afraid. He wouldn't even get in his carseat in his own seat. I finally sat him on my lap and let him play with the literature and the setback tray. He was then happy and stayed happy the whole trip. I couldn't even get his special toys out for him. Getting off the plane the flight attendant helped again with the carseat, then a pilot helped me get the carseat to the baggage claim area. What amazing people I had around me to help.

My dad was already there to pick us up and took us to his house. Although, he had to get back to work. So, Brandon and I explored his backyard and played with some of the toys he has for his grandkids. Brandon FINALLY took a nap about 2:30 or 3pm until 4:30pm. Just in time for grandpa to get home from work. His friend Linda was there and made an amazing dinner for all of us. Brandon played some more and explored the backyard with grandpa again. Then it was bath time and time to get ready for bed. Of course, that was a little hard. Brandon was in a new place and did not want to settle down. Finally he did and we watched one of his favorite movies, SING, and he settled in for the night and fell asleep.

The next morning my dad, Brandon and myself all went to a park I grew up going to that had been remodeled. We call it the Airplane Park because there is an airplane statue there. And now, the play structure is tailored around the airplane. Brandon had a blast and really loved the swings. Of course, the most boring for the parents. After about an hour at the park, we went down to the beach. To Long Beach where my brothers and I all did Junior Lifeguards. Last time we went there was back in January and Brandon wanted to jump in the water. This time, not so much. He wanted nothing to do with the water. So much so that he started to run away up the beach back towards the car. So we decided to try the bay side. Still, wanted nothing to do with the water. He was like that all summer too from what I heard at day care. He didn't want anything to do with the little pool and pool slide. So weird since back in January he loved it. After the beach we headed home and got something to eat and relaxed until it was time to get ready for the wedding. My aunt Valerie (dad's sister) came to watch Brandon for us since he couldn't go.

It was hard leaving because Brandon didn't want me to leave, but we got out the door and took the 45 minute drive to the wedding location. Once there we met up with the rest of the family and got settled in for the ceremony. It was a nice and quick ceremony, which is always nice. The bride, Anna's father officiated. After the ceremony they had a cocktail hour while the reception was getting set up for dinner and they did pictures. They had 2 signature drinks, beers, water and soda. We visited with everybody while the bride and groom made their rounds and enjoyed their time. Dinner was delicious. It was a BBQ of chicken and ribs with potato salad and mac and cheese and green salad and rolls. It was SO good. After dinner were the toasts from the best man (my step brother Christopher) and the maid of honor. I have got to say, the best man speech was the best I have heard in a while. Maybe because I know so much of what he was talking about. It was almost like a roast. Ok, maybe it was a roast. It was great! Then we had dessert which instead of cake or cupcakes, we had pie. I believe it was a lemon pie. And it too was really good. After pie my dad, Linda and I all left. We were tired and ready for bed. I was ready to see Brandon again. It's very easy to miss that boy.

The next day was a FULL day. We started off at the Long Beach Aquarium of the Pacific. Brandon was hit and miss with a lot of the attractions, but I am so proud of him for touching the sea stars, sea urchin and sea anemone. He kind of touched the sting rays. Although he had his hands in the water, they would dip under as they got to him. So, it was an A for effort. When we left there we went to visit with grandma Susan. We were there for maybe an hour while we visit and she got to spend some time with him. Then it was off to uncle Lukes house in Riverside. When we got there Brandon and his cousin Quinn (they are only 2 weeks apart) played for a while in her bedroom and then we decided it was time for food. We were all starving. At linner, because it was so late, the little ones played and chatted while we all talked. Food came and mine was forgotten. Everybody was almost done when my food finally came. Not happy about that, but what can you do? Right? After eating it was back to my brothers house to go swimming. Brandon wasn't sure at first, as was I because it was SO COLD! But we finally warmed up and Brandon had a blast. Even went around a little with uncle Luke. After the pool, we all warmed up and then explored the backyard. Brandon had a blast in the sand box and then playing with a ball. We got some cute pictures of the cousins in the bath together. After the bath my brother gave them an oreo and Brandon made it look like icing coming out of his mouth. I with I had gotten a picture. It was oozing black out of his mouth. There was a little play time outside again before we left to go home.

Monday was a day to catch up on resting. We didn't go anywhere and Brandon and I took a short walk while he had his peanut butter sandwich down the street a bit. He loved sitting on my dads porch swing too. Linda made another delicious dinner of beef tacos. Then, it was off to bed. Brandon fell asleep an hour earlier than usual...which made him wake up at 1am. He was up from 1am until almost 5am when he fell back to sleep for about another 2 hours. On Tuesday, we got things ready to go since we were flying out that afternoon. Brandon played while I packed. I tried to get him to nap while we waited for my friend Karen, but that was a no go. He was ready to go too by the time Karen got there. He just wanted out of the house. So, we loaded the car and off to the mall we went. We walked a little of the mall and into Target. Then we had lunch at Applebees. Brandon actually wanted to sit in a high chair this time. I think it was because he was getting tired. He had a little bit of my food, mac and cheese and chicken strips, and a juice. Karen dropped us off at the airport and I was back to being nervous about lugging everything around. But, I had a better plan this time. I wore Brandon in a carrier and pushed the carseat in the stroller. That made it much easier. As we were waiting to board Brandon fell asleep. He ended up sleeping for most of the flight. I had an airport worker help me with the carseat onto the plane. And I was luck enough to have an amazing person sitting across from us help me get the carseat off the plane.

It was nice to be home. To get back to a routine and see Eric. This is the longest I have been away from Eric in a very long time. And ever for Brandon to be away from Eric. Usually we travel all together. It was a long family embrace when we saw Eric. I miss my family and friends in Southern California, but it is nice to be back home in my own bed and back to our routines that Brandon knows. He is sleeping well again and eating, well, that's another story. We are trying to get him back to a better eating habit again. It was a great trip. Although, I can honestly say I would rather drive with a toddler than try to lug everything I need around the airport again. It might be easier when he's in a booster seat. Maybe then we will try again. Our next trip down to Southern California will be driving again. It's also nice to have your own car when you are down there.

That's the most excitement we have had in a while. My first big trip other than Disneyland in January. Nothing else new. Just chugging along with my treatment and daily life.

An Update

It's been a while since I've written. The reason is because not a whole lot has happened. I have been off work now for a month to work on my health and treatment. Back in July I started to get sick again from treatment. This time it wasn't just one day a few days after treatment. No, this time it was random and starts anywhere from the day of treatment and will last for a few days off and on until the next treatment and that would start it all over again. I get sick off and on every day. Sometimes I can eat Cheez-it crackers and it will help. Other times nothing helps. Not even my anti nausea medicine. It's not fun at all. So, with doctors help and guidance, I am off work for a few months. While being off, I am looking for another job. Something other than dispatching. I'm also writing my children's book. I have a little bit of the book done. I stopped because I got stumped and I'm not sure where to go from where I'm at. I will figure it out soon though.

While I am off, Brandon is still going to day care. For two reasons. One, it's really good for him. Two, we don't want to lose his spot at this amazing day care. It is hard to find day care these days that you trust. Kourtney is amazing and we are very lucky to have her to help us in raising Brandon. She helps in moulding him into the little boy he is. The helpful and thoughtful little man. The last few times I have gone to pick him up, he wants to stay and play. As long as I am there he will play at the end of the day. He will come and give me hugs and cuddle up to me then go back and play. He loves Kourtney too. A few days ago he would run to me then turn back and run to her and give her a hug. Then back to me and hug me. I wonder if he thinks he has two moms. In a way he kind of does. She will be a second mom for a few years. At least until he goes to school.

To put these two paragraphs together, I learned last weekend just how comforting and loving Brandon is. On Saturday we got back from a few errands and while Brandon was playing, I started to feel sick. Crackers were not helping and it got to the point where I had to get to the bathroom. While I was throwing up, Brandon came in and started to comfort me. He was petting my head and cuddling me. When I went to flush the toilet, He helped me and closed the lid. Then, he looked at me and opened the lid again because I was still not feeling well. It was like he knew. Again, he cuddled me and stroked my head. After I was done, he grabbed my hand and walked with me out of the bathroom and led me to my chair. When I sat down, he climbed up and sat with me and cuddled up to me. He stayed there for a good 30 minutes. We have a very loving and concerned little man. A little man who will be 2 years old here really soon.

Brandon turns 2 tomorrow. It has already been two years since he made his entrance into this world and made our lives better. Eric and I can not imagine our lives without him. He is everything to us. I know I love spending time with him and honestly, even though day care is good for him, I wish I could be home with him all the time. But, I do have to work. I will be going back to work. If there was a way I could be successful at making money from home, I would do it. Some of the reason for my children's book is to hopefully make enough money to help him with college in the future. The same goes with turning this blog into a book. I have had so many people tell me that I need to write a book or turn this blog into a book. It's something I am going to do, but it's definitely a difficult thing because I need to find a publisher and then there is the fact that this is all so personal. So, it's tough to get it going. I will. Hopefully soon.

Two Years Gone By

28 Weeks Pregnant

Two years. Two years can be a long time or a short time, depending on what you're talking about. Two years in a job is a short time. My son will be two soon and it feels like it was just yesterday he was born. Then there's my two years I'm talking about. Today it has been two years since my first ever appointment with my oncologist where I heard those words nobody wants to hear. "It's not good. It's malignant. You have Multiple Myeloma." 

Yep, 28 weeks pregnant and Eric & I are sitting there scared to death of what may be going on and we hear those words spoken to us. I have cancer. And a not curable cancer at that. Yes, it's treatable, but unlike breast cancer and some others, it's not curable.  Cancer doesn't discriminate. And it's evident with mine. The "typical" Multiple Myeloma patient is a black male 60 and over. I was a pregnant white female in my 30's. 

The old normal in mine and Eric's life was going to work, enjoying some wine tasting with friends (when I wasn't pregnant) and we were enjoying waiting for our little bundle of joy who had 3 months to "cook" still. Then we heard those words and all of a sudden the new normal was doctors appointments and tests one after the other. My diagnosis got me a new, and amazing also, OB for my pregnancy. I started to see her every 2 weeks or so. Then there were the stress tests. Labs. MRI's to see the damage the cancer had done to my back and neck bones. More labs. And more meetings with my oncologist. That was the new normal starting at 28 weeks pregnant. At that time too we were told we may have to deliver our baby boy at 30-32 weeks. 

Once we had a better picture of the damage the cancer had done and a treatment plan to start, we decided to go week by week. We hit each week and got us closer to full term each day we kept Brandon in. Finally, we were set for delivering him at 34 weeks. As that day got closer, we started to get us ready. A tour of the NICU. I got some steroid shots to help Brandon's lungs develop a little more. More stress tests. More labs. As that day was almost here, we decided I was doing well enough to wait a little longer. That ended up being only a week as Brandon was growing and putting more weight on my spine where they found compression fractures caused by the cancer. Brandon putting that weight on my spine gave me horrible back aches that I couldn't do anything about, so it was time. Brandon was delivered at 35 weeks 3 days via c-section. C-section because the doctors, both my oncologist and my new OB, believed a vaginal delivery would put too much pressure on my fractures. Eric and I agreed and the c-section it was. 

 In the Hospital Room Before Delivery

Family Of Three

In the operating room there were my nurse, my OB, the anesthesiologist, some other nurses and the NICU nurses on standby. Brandon came out, I saw him, he got cleaned up and checked out and then he was brought to me and I watched the NICU nurses leave the room. NO NICU time for my precious little boy. He got to stay with his mama! That was the best part of it all. I was able to be with him the whole time. 

Me & Brandon In Recovery

After our few days in recovery at the hospital, we were allowed to go home a day early. That was our wish and the doctors approved as I was doing well, baby was well and there were a lot of new mamas the night before, so we wanted to help free up another room. Now that we were home, the new normal was sleepless nights and more doctor appointments. And five weeks later I started chemotherapy. 

First Trip To Stanford

We waited five weeks so I could recover some from my c-section and have a little bit of "normal" time with our new baby. So, our new normal was changing yet again. On November 11th I started my chemo treatment. Once a week I went in for a shot of Velcade in my belly and once a month I got a Zometa IV for my bones. I did 7 rounds of that. And it never failed. After the first month, I started to get sick the Saturday after treatment. Try taking care of a newborn while having to run to the bathroom every so often. Not fun at all. 

 New Hair Before It Comes Out

 About To Leave For Stanford

 Before the Hickman Line

After the Hickman Line

After my 7 rounds were done, it was time for my stem cell transplant. That was an almost 2 month process. It started with getting my Hickman port line and a high dose of chemo to kill everything in my body. After that we went home until my white blood count was up to the right count. Luckily it took only a few days and I surpassed the number we needed. That night we drove to Stanford to get ready for the next day when they would take my stem cells out. The good healthy ones. Luckily, I was able to give more than enough for my transplant. I actually had enough for 2 transplants. A few weeks later we went back to Stanford for more chemo and then my stem cell transplant. 

 High Dose Of Chemo

 After High Dose Of Chemo With HEPA Mask

 Shaved Head

Family Picture With Shaved Heads (Not Brandon Though)

My stem cell transplant was rough. The actual act of getting my stem cells was fine. It was the days after that were tough. You see, your body almost shuts down. Basically, you have no immune system and it makes you weak. I wasn't able to really care for Brandon so we had helpers. I got sick every time I tried to take my meds and finally, after a week, I was admitted to the hospital because I was spiking a fever. Never good when you have no immune system. I also had issues eating and drinking because the Melphalan chemo I had before my transplant ended up causing sores in my throat. So I couldn't really swallow anything. That lasted about a week while I was hospitalized. Luckily it was only a week in the hospital. Away from Eric and Brandon and everybody I knew. It was a tough time, but I got through it. Knowing that the sooner I got better, the sooner I got to see my little family. So I fought harder and rested a lot. 

 Tram To Stanford Cancer Center From Parking 

Overnight BCNU Chemo

 Getting My Stem Cells

 Happy RE-Birthday

Hospitalized & Not Feeling Well After Transplant

After that week, I got to go home. I still had to be careful. If we went anywhere or outside, I had to wear a Hepa mask. The mask lasted until I got to day +30. Then I was free to eat anything and go outside unmasked. 30 days was tough, but I still had 70 days to go for the 100 days was over. That's the time they give when they see most relapses. Luckily, I made it to the +100 days without any issues. 

 Dad Visiting In the Hospital

Feeding My Boy While Hospitalized

 Home From Stanford FINALLY

 +50 Days After Transplant

+100 Day After Transplant

About a month and a half after my transplant I started on my, at least, two years every other week of maintenance chemo. I was/am back on Velcade and Zometa for my bones. Velcade will last another year and Zometa is basically for the rest of my life as this cancer will eat away and destroy bone. The last year of maintenance chemo went well until recently. Before, I didn't get sick. But a little over a month ago it has started to make me sick. Really nauseous and dizzy/light headed. Mostly almost immediately after my treatment and other days it comes and doesn't go away for two days. 

 Waiting For My Vertebroplasty Procedure

Thoracic Spine Before & After

In December, to help heal/fix some of my compression fractures in my spine, I had a procedure called a Vertebroplasty done. It's where they inject a medical grade cement into your spine where the fractures are and fill it in. Making a bone "whole" again. I'll tell ya, I would do it all again. It was the easiest procedure I've ever done and the pain was gone almost immediately. Well, except for the soreness of the hammering into my spine that I had for a day. Since this procedure, I have been able to hold Brandon so much longer than I used to be able to. I've been able to do things I hadn't been able to do when we found out about the fractures. I'll probably have this procedure done again in other sections of my spine, but for now it is doing well. Minus when I overwork it and I have more pain, or forget to take my pain medicine. Another thing happening is that the stem cell transplant wiped me clean. I ended up with no vaccines anymore and in menopause. Now that I am 1 year post transplant, I have started to get my vaccinations again. It's a long process, but I will finally have immunity again.

I didn't do anything to get this cancer. Thee wasn't any exposure to the sun or artificial rays. It wasn't in my DNA to get. Doctors and researchers don't know how people get Multiple Myeloma, but they believe its environmental. Something you're exposed to. Some see a few people in the family who get diagnosed. Others it comes out of nowhere. I did find out about a year or so ago that a great aunt of mine that I've never met and lives clear across the United States has this cancer. Otherwise, the only cancer in my blood history was my paternal grandmothers. She had lung cancer from smoking. I know our first question two years ago today was if I was going to pass it to Brandon. The answer was no. It wasn't/isn't genetic. I can only hope that is true. I never want my son to go through any of this. If I can protect him from it, I will. 

I Am 1 Year Old

To this day I am doing well. Yes, I get sick from chemo. Yes, I have bad days. And yes, my back still hurts, just not as bad. I will have to live the rest of my life with this cancer, but I am hopeful there will be a cure soon. I am hopeful I will be around to see Brandon graduate high school and college, get married and start a family of his own. I hope I can be there to see my grandkids be born. All I can do is hope. For now, I cherish every day I have with Brandon and Eric. Never knowing what will happen the next day or how my body will be. I cherish every day. For a cancer that has a life expectancy of 3-5 years, I feel, today, that I will be around for many many more years. Especially with the help and support of my family and friends. I do believe a positive attitude helps also! 

 Most Recent Chemo & Zometa (Maintenance)

Today