Does it really end at birth?

Does it really end at birth? You may know what I'm talking about. You know, it starts off cute with a little kick here and a little kick there in your tummy. As your baby grows, the kicks get harder but still, cute. Then, near the end of pregnancy it's a foot in your ribs. Or an elbow, a hand, knee. And you're wishing it would stop.

I'm here to say, at least for me, no! It doesn't stop there. My baby is now 9 months old and I STILL get kicked in the ribs. I gave birth to him 5 weeks early due to a cancer diagnosis with compression fractures in my lumbar and T12 spine. I ended up having to have to c-section because of those fractures. Up until he was coming out, I had a foot in my ribs. And boy, did it hurt. When he was first born, it really wasn't that bad. There was probably a 3 month hiatus of being kicked in the ribs. Then, it started again. He's a mover. He tosses and turns, like I do, in his sleep. But he sleeps hard like his daddy. How do I know this? We are the parents who decided to co-sleep. I'm a very light sleeper, so I felt ok doing it. He slept a lot better and longer at night doing so. He's now in his crib for most of the night. Maybe until at least 6am. Then he's back in bed with us and kicking. Really, it's only me he seems to kick too. It seems moms get kicked. Whys that?

It doesn't seem to stop when he's awake either. I can be holding him during the day and I am getting kicked and walked on. Always on my ribs or stomach. If I lay on the floor and play with him, I am his jungle gym. He will climb over me back and forth for hours if I let him. Not to mention, he likes to try to use my head as a step stool if it's near the glider chair in his room. He starts at my stomach, through the ribs and to the head. It's at the point I won't lay near anything he may want to try climbing up.

I know the kicking won't end anytime soon either. I have friends who have children older than mine and they've had it happen through the older years. You know, they get scared and want to come sleep with mommy and daddy. Next thing you know the bed is a battle zone. A foot or knee in your ribs with a fist or hand to the face. It's amazing we don't come out of these nights bruised and battered. I guess the only time it may end is once they don't want to sleep in bed with us anymore. But at what age is that?

This isn't a complaining post, as much as an enlightening. We all thought, well at least I thought, it would end after we gave birth, but it doesn't. It keeps going. For years even. And, since I waited so long to have a baby and since I won't be able to have anymore, I will take it. I may get annoyed and wish it would stop in that moment, but then once it ends, it ends. And I know there are some women out there who don't get to feel that feeling. I will soak it all in for now. I'll take the pain, if it's making him happy. I'll gladly sleep next to his moving little body flailing around and I will be his jungle gym. Because it makes him happy. Just know, it doesn't end at birth.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

Let's start off with this...I can not sing. I can not carry a tune what so ever. But, I will do anything for my little munchkin if he likes it. 

Happy boy to mama's singing

Since Brandon was born, I have sang "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" to him. It's the only nursery rhyme I've sung. Part because I don't really remember a lot of the others and part because a lot of the others are kind of scary. Cradles falling, Humpty Dumpty falling, etc, etc. So, I sing Twinkle Twinkle. In times of need it has helped him fall asleep. Lately though. Lately it is something entirely different. And it melts my heart. Especially when I did it last night. 

For the last two weeks or so, when I sing it to him, he gets a huge, and I mean HUGE, smile on his face. Then, he will come over to me and love on me. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Just to see my sweet boy giving so much love like that. Well, last night, after he decided to get up at 10:00pm after a two hour "nap" and play for the next 5 hours (everything we were trying wasn't working), I sung that song to him. Now, here's the heart melting happiness. As usual, he crawled over to me, grabbed onto my legs and stood himself up. I kept singing. Before it was even done, he opened his mouth and came in and gave me probably the longest best baby kiss ever along with a hug. Swoon!

That one little act made my heart skip a beat, my heart melted and how can you be sad or upset at anything at that point? Really? How can you? There was no prompting. Nothing. After it happened to me, Eric decided to try it out. He too got the same response. Kinda made me a little sad that he's just doling out hugs and kisses over our song together to anybody who sings it to him, but at the same time, it shows what a tender loving heart my sweet boy has. 

I decided to try again tonight. I got the excited happy faces. I got the crawl over, stand up and a hug. But no kiss this time. Probably because he was handing out kisses to me earlier today at my follow up appointment at Stanford (which, I'm still doing amazing my doctor said). He even gave me kisses with my "Darth Vader/Bane" mask on. I was able to get a video of him doing his happy crawl and smile tonight. Along with a few pictures. So, don't mind the singing. My little man loves it, and that's all that matters right now. 

Day +34 - Hair

Hair. We all have it. A lot of us take it for granted. I know I did, until 5 years ago when my friend Kristy was diagnosed with breast cancer and ended up losing hers from the chemo. Never did I ever think I would be right there where she was, 5 years later. But, I was. I am. Honestly, it's only hair. It'll grow back. Right? Well, it's true. It will. But honestly, maybe not as fast as some of us would like.

I know for a fact, I am at the point right now that I wish it would happen faster. Being a mommy to a demanding infant who's on the move is not easy. As much as I love being home with him, I also can't wait to get back to working so I can actually shower every day. You read that right. I don't get a shower every day. Usually I am taking care of Brandon and the dogs all day, that I get put on the way side while Eric is at work. Today. Today alone, I realized I hadn't showered since 4th of July. Yep, It had been almost a whole week. I will admit that. Well, I did get a bath a few days ago. But that's not a scrubbing my whole body kind of bath. For me, I love to soak in the tub. To relax. So, when Eric got home today from doing the recycling, I told him he needed to take Brandon so I could shower.

My Jams to help make me feel "girly" for now

After my shower I was ready to take Brandon back and play with him, after he woke up from his nap. It's what I do. But, Eric told me to go get some rest. I couldn't sleep, so, I took a mental break. Also, a "girly" break. Yes, I need those sometimes. Especially right now. Having no hair, or almost no hair, really thinned out eyebrows and almost no eyelashes, there isn't much I can do to make myself feel pretty. Basically, right now at this stage, I feel ugly. So, to help myself feel a little pretty, I did my nails. Probably the 3rd time since 4th of July I've done them. Doing my nails is one way I can feel girly and pretty. Especially since I have no hair. I love my wigs too. The two I have so far, but I can only wear them for a few hours before they make my head really itchy. It's that netting inside. The part that shapes to your head.

Doing my make-up is kind of out right now. Mainly because I don't really have any eyelashes. It's not easy to curl them nor put on mascara. And I'm not the kind of girl to wear false lashes. They feel too weird on. Actually, they make my eyelid feel heavy. For me, for years, the only make-up I would wear was mascara. That's my go to. What I always put on. But right now I can't. And I feel like "why wear any make up if I can't wear mascara?" So, I wait until my lashes grow back. I have a feeling it's going to take a while.

Can't see it very well, there are hairs growing in!!!

On a good note, I've noticed that my hair is starting to slowly grow back. I have some spots that it never went away. But, I have these little fuzzy spots where new hair is growing in. That's exciting! I can't wait to see what my hair does coming back. I'm sure it's going to come back the same way it was before. I'm the "plain Jane" kind of girl. But, it'll be interesting to see if it comes back curly or wavy. Or maybe a different color. One thing I do know is, I don't think I will dye my hair. At least for a very long time. I want my natural hair to shine through. It'll be my badge of honor. I lost it, then it came back and is soft and silky and shiny...hopefully!

I know this is kind of a vain post. It's not like me. But it is how I feel. Not being able to look that girly lately has had me down and feeling ugly. A lot of times, I do put on a front that I am ok when deep down I may be hurting or suffering some kind of depression. Crazy to think, it's over something so vain. Something I've never really cared about before. And it's taking a lot longer than I would like right now to have certain things come back. Eyelashes, hair, eyebrows, etc. I have to keep reminding myself, "It's only been a month." "It's going to take some time." It's true, it will. But I think I am allowed to have these little spurts where I feel down. I don't have to be happy all the time. I think then that really shows there is something wrong with me. Nobody is always happy.

Day +33 - 3 Days With No Special Diet

Day +33. I am 33 days old today. Feeling a little better each day. Getting closer and closer to being myself. Many people have asked me what I had as my first meal not on the low microbial diet. It wasn't so much a meal, as it was a sandwich. Or, really, a burger. I was able to have homemade hamburgers while on the diet, but I was craving a few days ago a Sourdough Jack burger from Jack In the Box. Here's something about those and me...I don't EVER eat those. I had one maybe 10 years ago and it was too greasy for me. But, for some reason, I was craving it. So, Eric brought one home for me on the way home from work. And let me tell ya, it hit the spot. That burger tasted so good. I can't say I will ever get another one. I haven't had a craving for it since and it doesn't sound good now, but that day. My first day not on the low microbial diet, that Sourdough Jack was amazing!

Since being off the special diet, I haven't gone too crazy. Honestly, I've had that burger and then one of my old friends was in town for work and she came by. We ended up getting pizza. Just like the Sourdough Jack, it hit the spot. But, unlike the burger, I wasn't craving pizza. But it still hit the spot. Also, unlike the burger, I will definitely have pizza again. We ended up with Round Table Pizza. Since they deliver. We got a pizza I hadn't had before. The Italian Garlic something or other. It was really good. Probably one of the best pizzas I have had.

Dinner tonight...makeshift chicken parmesan

Now, I know that I can go back to eating anything again and eating out, but there are a few things I'd rather not eat yet. Just to make sure. Lettuce and tomato are two things. Mainly because there is a fear they may carry listeria. Of course, we can wash them here at home, but out at a restaurant or fast food place, you can't guarantee that the people who prepare your food are going to clean it the way I need it to be cleaned. That's a mother reason I'm not going crazy and eating out everywhere I can right now.

Not only is eating out a shock to my system after over a month of not eating out, but my taste buds have changed a little. They will come back, but we were told to give it at least another month until that does happen. So, no eating at my favorite places. Also, my stomach isn't what it used to be. I can't eat as much as I used to. One example is mac and cheese. I can make a box and usually eat almost half of it. I know, crazy. Now, I am lucky if I have 1/4 of it. If that. It's nice though, because I learn better portion control. But, I definitely haven't deprived myself of the sweet stuff. Mainly cookies and candies. Hard candies like Jolly Ranchers and other candies like M&M's mainly. Oh! Twix too! Love me my Twix!

Using B's high chair as a table, otherwise his hands get in my food

Hopefully by the beginning of August I will feel up to going out for a nice dinner. Eric and I usually go to Buca di Bepo for our anniversary/my birthday. It's all going to depend on my appetite and taste buds at that point. Like everything else since the beginning of the transplant process, it may have to wait and be celebrated later. I want my taste buds to be back to normal for that restaurant. I would have to say, it's probably my favorite Italian restaurant. There are others that are a close second though.

Until the next post, I leave you with a picture of the delicious cookie Eric brought home from work. You have got to love these CostCo chocolate chip cookies!!!

CostCo chocolate chip cookie...yum!!

Going Back To Work...Soon

I honestly didn't think it would be that hard. After 11 1/2 months off, I figured I'd be fine with going back to work. Now, I think all the time I've been off is making it harder. And especially since Brandon is developing so much more now. I know I'm not going back tomorrow, but I will be going back really soon. I just found out today that my catastrophic leave is used up. Basically, per the contract, I'm only allowed 6 months of it. And, well, I've exhausted that. Of course, I found this out from old co-workers. Not anybody above me or personnel. So, I have to go back to work in order to get paid.

9 month photo shoot

All of that means, I need to get some paperwork taken care of ASAP so I can be found a different job. Because I can not go back to the park our dispatch center is at. If I did, I wouldn't be able to dispatch anyway. I can not be around all the dust and dirt from the off road tracks and everything out there. Not to mention, we will need to figure out child care. Of course, there will be days we won't need it because Eric will be home or we will only need 2 or 3 hours because Eric will work later than I will and I will be off soon after he starts. We have our friend Julie who has offered, but the only problem there is the days Eric drops him off. He will have to leave a few hours before going to work to drop him off then head in to work. All of this will be so different for us. Especially Brandon. He's great with other people, but he's only used to his house and family's house. Well, except for one friends house...or should I say, farm. He loved it there.

Dinner time

Just thinking of leaving Brandon all day is making me sad. Every time I think about it, I get tears in my eyes. I know it'll be good for him. I know he's ready, it's just really hard. When your whole life, other than cancer treatment, has been your child. He has been the happy in my bad days. He's been there to always put a smile on my face throughout the day. I love snuggling him for his naps. He's definitely my little buddy. My little man. He is my fun, fearless, crazy, happy boy. I don't want to miss a moment of his life. But, I know I will have to.

Standing on his chair

How do you do it? How do all you working moms go back to work after having your baby? I'm finding it's going to be really hard. And mine is 9 months old now. Most women go back to work when their baby is anywhere from 6 weeks to 3 months old. That's got to be really hard too. But, I guess I need to get used to the idea. Gotta pay the bills.

Day +29

It's been a little while since I've written. Nothing new has happened with my battle/fight/kicking butt since then either. I had a doctors appointment with my Kaiser oncologist, Dr. H, last Friday. It wasn't much new. Mainly so he could see me again and have a check up on his side since everything has been at Stanford since the beginning of May. He congratulated us on the "no sign of cancer in my body" notification and we talked a little about what we will be doing in the coming months. He wasn't sure exactly when at the time, but he said I would be back on Zometa. Zometa is the IV medication which helps my bones. Since, the transplant doesn't fix/repair the compression fractures I have in my lumbar and T12 region. This morning, I got the call that he wants to start me on that (it's only once a month usually) after the 14th of July. So, July 20th will be my 1st Zometa IV since the end of April.

Other than that, nothing new is going on health wise. Today is day +29. It's been 29 days since my transplant. And I feel amazing each day. Sometimes I get sick still. I think it's from the chemo. But not too much. It comes on fast and is gone fast. It doesn't take me away from my day or Brandon really. Which, he's got me on my toes. He is constantly moving it seems. Crawling all over the place. I feel bad for Azul because Brandon loves to get into his crate. So, I have to keep it closed. Usually, when Azul is needing some "alone time" he will go in there and lay down for a while. Unfortunately, a lot of the times it's closed. I try to remember to open it up again once Brandon is going to nap. Since he naps in my arms. And for at least 90 minutes now...when he does nap. He spends probably half the time of his nap fighting it. Finally giving in and taking a 90 minute nap.

Something I've been thinking of a lot lately is being able to decorate the house. Well, redecorating it. I want to paint the downstairs. The living and dining rooms. I want to get the crate console table put together and brought inside to use. I want to make a new baby gate out of the pallets we have in the garage. Of course, a lot of baby proofing of this place needs to be done too. We want to get rid of excess "junk" laying around. Selling it and then there is also the stuff to just throw away. So much I'd like to do, but really, no time at all. Or at least no time and energy right now. Energy is the main thing. Mine is still building itself back up. And, Brandon usually takes most of what I do have since he is a crawling fool. Not to mention, he's on the verge of walking too. Just today he started to stand by himself. Not holding on to anything. With that, I will probably be minus in energy to do anything around the house.

Soon enough I will be going back to work. Which, I need to talk to my doctor about. I need to know how much more catastrophic leave I will need. I have mixed emotions though about going back to work. I have spent basically 9 months now tomorrow, home with my little man, and I love it. If only there was a way to make, easily, the money I make working while staying home with him. I know Eric and I have talked about me becoming a writer. Publishing books, etc. But, that could take a while. So much to do and think about. I know we will be spending most of our paychecks on child care when that time comes also. Which, isn't going to be fun. I think I need to actually play the lottery and win! Isn't that what we all say?

Well, I'm just rambling now. Little man is standing next to me as I type this. Standing, as in not holding on to anything. And now he's sitting. Just like that. Not long before he's walking. I should go. No more rambling and small talk. I just wanted to give a quick update since it's been a while since I wrote.

To Our Helpers

Goofy boy with daddy's sweat band on Grandpa Hoover

I think this post is long overdue. I've been diagnosed for 10 months now with Multiple Myeloma. Of course, it's turned our world upside down. What cancer doesn't do that to any person or family? Since my diagnosis and since we came out and let people know about it, we have had an outpouring of help. So many people. No matter how small the gesture or help or how big, have helped us out in one way or another.

All smiles with Nanny & Grandpa Hoover

There are people who made food for us. That's something we really didn't think about. It's helped a lot in the sense that it's one last thing we've had to think about. We just pull that meal out of the freezer or refrigerator and heat it up. No thinking in what to make or what ingredients to get. Just turn on the oven and let it do the work. And the meals we've gotten have been delicious! And really, if you'd like, you can keep them coming. At least a few. We have a counter depth refrigerator, so there's not as much storage in our freezer and refrigerator spots.

Being silly with Grandpa Hoover

To those who have spent a few hours just hanging out. So I could rest or even we end up talking and catching up. Even those small mental breaks have helped. Especially when Eric or myself can sleep. We don't sleep very well lately. Between Brandon and not knowing what's next with treatment to not knowing if I'm going to be sick the next morning or not. It makes it tough to get a full good nights sleep. We expected it with having a new baby. We were ready to deal with that part, but then the cancer diagnosis came and that made things even worse. So, the time spent with us or even letting us sleep has been very much appreciated.

 Visiting in the hospital

In front of the apartments after visiting mommy

To the friends and family who took Brandon for the day so Eric and I could have some alone time. We know Brandon had so much fun with you guys. From the pictures and your texts. Not to mention, his attitude when you brought him back to us. It shows how much love he has in his life. How many people love and adore him. We like to think he's such a calm and easy baby because of us, when really, it's you guys also. He has such a great "family" unit around him. Teaching him. Helping him grow. He definitely knows how much he's loved. And we can see it also.

 Grandpa Kevin and the Minion

 Koi fish with Grandpa Kevin

Doggie statue with Grandpa Kevin

Then there are those of you who help from afar. Those who live miles and miles away. Who are not able to physically be here to help. Thank you for the gift cards for restaurants, grocery stores, VISA gift cards, etc. Believe me, they are appreciated beyond words. It gives Eric and I a date night. It gives us a little extra when we may be running low on funds due to prescriptions and copays. It helps us get formula, food and diapers for Brandon in those times also.

 Sleepy visiting mommy

Smiley for Grandpa Kevin

Last, the help we've had while at Stanford. Our neighbor who helped take care of the dogs while we were gone. We and the dogs love you for it. We were so worried about who would take care of them and afraid we were going to have to board them. Which would mean more money. Then, to my dad for coming up to Stanford and when we lost the apartment, staying and helping here at home with Brandon until you had to get back. We appreciate and love you so much for that. To my mother and father in law for coming all those weeks or days to Stanford to help us with Brandon also. And making all the meals for us. All of it is so much appreciated. I know for all of you, my dad and my mother and father in law, you had to take time away from your regular days/weeks to come to Stanford. For that, we appreciate it so much. And I know it makes Brandon and yourselves happy to be able to spend that time with him. He's growing and developing so fast right now, you all got to be apart of it. If at least for a little bit.

With Grandpa Kevin

To everybody, and especially our parents, thank you! Everything is so much appreciated and I don't think we can tell you enough. Thank you and we love you all!

With Grandpa Hoover & Cousin Alyssa