Mother's Day #2...Better Than The First

Last year was my first Mother's Day. But honestly, it felt just like any other day since I was going through my transplant process. I had just had a high dose of chemo and had just gotten home from Stanford. We were all exhausted and because of my immune system, we couldn't go anywhere. I was on a strict diet of not eating out. Everything had to be carefully and fully cooked and there were certain foods I couldn't have. Not to mention, I had to wear a filtered mask whenever we left the house or I wasn't in the infusion center. So, my Mother's Day last year consisted of naps and just sitting around the house. Eric and I did run to the hospital because I had to get a few prescriptions and my friend Julie helped us out and came over and watched Brandon for a little bit. That way we could relax and nap also. That was all of Mother's Day 2016. My first as a humans mommy.

 Fast forward to this year. To today. Today is Mother's Day. Today was a lot better and more enjoyable than last year. A week ago I had told Eric that all I wanted for Mother's Day was to sleep in, a pedicure and then dinner with him and Brandon. Well, he exceeded that wish! I didn't sleep in, but that was my own fault. Guess I am just used to waking up early. We all got up around 7:30am. So, maybe that is sleeping in for me. Yesterday I was up around 7am, and usually am on most weekends. Weekdays I am up about 5:15am. So, I guess I did sleep in today. We went down stairs and while I took care of Kahlua (she who is a fur baby), Eric started to get breakfast ready. He made us hash browns, eggs and blueberry waffles. He also made me coffee exactly how I like my home brewed coffee. After breakfast he brought over my presents. He got me a beautiful Peace Lily, Brandon's birthstone in stud earrings and a beautiful Koa Maile ring. Koa is a wood native to the Hawaiian Islands and Maile is a leaf that grows on vines in the rain forests of Maui, Kaui and the Big Island of Hawaii. The ring also has the infinity sign in it. 

After breakfast and presents, I got ready for the day. Then, left to go get a much needed pedicure. As I was leaving, Brandon kept blowing me kisses. It's the kind of kisses I get these days from him since he seems to be backing away from the actual kisses. I wanted to go as early as I could because I had a feeing they would be busy today. I was right. I seemed to get there at just the right time though. I was after a big rush and before the next big rush. Lots of mothers with their daughters. It felt good getting a pedicure. I don't splurge on too much pampering for myself outside of the house and the last time I had a pedicure, I hate to say, was September of 2015. Just before Brandon was born. I got a chocolate mint pedicure. Very hydrating and soothing. I love when they massage your legs and feet before applying the polish and after all the scrubbing.

When I got home from my pedicure, Brandon was napping. He needed the nap because he was getting really fussy before I left for my pedicure. He was asleep for about an hour after I got home and woke up happy and excited to see me. So, we got up, Eric got dressed while I got Brandon dressed and then we were out and off on our adventure for Mother's Day. We went to the mall to pick up my wedding ring that we were hoping could be fixed, but found out it can not be fixed. That is ok, as I have a new ring to be my wedding ring. After we picked that ring up, we went to the jewelry store Eric got my ring and earrings at. It's a new store calls Na Hoku. It's jewelry of the islands. I probably took a good 45 minutes to look at everything they have in that store. Eric and I agree, this is our jewelry store. I honestly don't want to get anything from another store. All the pieces were so beautiful. I want a necklace that is a mama sea turtle with baby sea turtle attached. Not to mention, so many more earrings, rings, bracelets, and necklaces. I don't know how I could ever wear all of it, but I would try. I have never been one to wear a lot of jewelry because I could never find much that I liked. But this store has everything that I love!

After the mall we had dinner at The Yard House. As always, Eric and I ordered off the appetizer menu because even the appetizers are big enough to be real meals. We didn't know until the end of dinner, but all Mothers got a free dessert today for Mother's Day. I ended up with a chocolate soufflé with vanilla ice cream. I thought they knew I wanted it to go but was happy they brought it to me on the plate because it was decorated with a message on the plate that said "Cheers To Mom!" I had a few bites then packaged it up, payed the bill and off we went to come home to relax some more and to bed early for all of us.

 He actually gave me a kiss at dinner!!!

The only problem I had all day was my stiff neck. I started to get it yesterday and woke up with a very stiff/kinked neck this morning. The massage chairs at the nail salon helped a little, but it still hurts like crazy. Heat and ice it is and a little massaging. Now, off to sleepy land as I have a very early morning. To all my mommy friends and family out there, whether human or fur or feather or scales, Happy Mother's Day!

Mommy Has Cancer

Ever since Wednesday, August 19, 2015 I have had these thoughts, these questions to myself, going through my brain. Those questions being "How will I tell Brandon I have cancer?". "When do I tell him I have cancer?" "How will I know when it's time to tell him his mommy has cancer and he helped find it?"

Here it is, almost two years later and I still do not know the answers to those questions. I know now isn't the time. Brandon is much too young to understand it. He knows and comprehends food, play, toys, bedtime, bath, etc. Simple things. But, it doesn't mean I don't think about those questions.

I imagine the way we will tell him is when he starts to ask why mommy has to take so many pills. Or, why mommy always goes to the doctor. Or even why mommy has to be careful about what she does. Why mommy sometimes can't carry him and why her back hurts her so much. I imagine that Eric and I will sit Brandon down. We will probably start by saying something like "Mommy takes all those pills because she is sick." Of course, he will think it's because I have a tummy ache or a cough or something like that. How we explain further is beyond me.

As it is, when I take my medicine I see him. He watches me. He points to my little bowl on the counter and makes his sound "Ehh?" A question. It's like he's asking me what they are already. Then, there's the times when he just wants me to stand up and hold him. Walking around the living room and kitchen or outside while he points and makes the sounds like he's asking questions about everything. Or pointing at pictures on the walls as if to say it's mommy and daddy in the pictures. But I can't stay holding him while standing for long periods of times sometimes. I have to sit and then he throws a small tantrum. Eventually he calms down. There's also those times when he wants me to chase him around the house. But I can only do it for so long before I have to sit and relax.

My cancer has eaten away at my spine. At a few of my vertebra. That is what makes it so hard to hold Brandon for long periods of time. I hate that my cancer has done that. It's taken away my ability to carry my son for long periods of time. I do what I can. Sometimes I push myself too far. Too much. But I don't want Brandon to feel like I am neglecting him. That I don't love him. Being young, he doesn't understand what it is I am going through. But I know that I give him all the attention I can with all my free time. I know he feels loved and knows he is loved because of the way he looks at me. Because of the way he gives me hugs. The way he blows me kisses when I leave for work.

I imagine in 5-10 years Eric and I will be sitting down to answer, to the best we can, all of Brandon's questions. Hopefully I will still be in remission and we won't have to be going to the doctor so much. I know I will be taking certain pills for the rest of my life. So he will have those questions. I guess I have years to figure out what to tell Brandon. To figure out how we will approach what he asks us. But it doesn't mean I won't keep wondering how we will tell him mommy has cancer.

11 Months Later Update

Today I had a follow up appointment with my Kaiser Oncologist. I guess this could be considered my 11 month post SCT check up. Since going back to work, it's been just me going to these appointments. Eric has stayed home or been at work when I have them and Brandon has been at day care. Today was different. Eric was off work and I was home because I have an upper respiratory infection and my doctor wanted me off work to rest for a few days. Eric decided he wanted to come with me to this appointment. Then, late last night, he had the idea to keep Brandon home from day care and bring him with us since everybody there at the Oncology department would LOVE to see him. They have watched him grow and develop in person and in pictures. Really, for the first almost year of his life, we spend every week there for my treatments. The staff in the Oncology department are his extended family. They've known him since before he was born.

So, this morning we all got up and dressed and ready to go to my appointment. We get there and Kathy, one of the receptionists who is the grandma to Brandon's "girlfriend", was so excited when she saw him. I watched her and she had to do a double take. It was kind of funny. Then Jo saw him and was excited also. We waited to be called back and the nurse Kristine came to get us. Unfortunately we didn't have Kellie today. So sad we missed her. And I'm sure she is really sad she missed us. While I was getting weighed and my blood pressure and temperature taken, nurses would come by and notice Brandon and be so surprised to see him. Some couldn't believe how big he was getting.

We were finally in the room waiting for Dr. H and Brandon was playing in the hall. Dr. H came up and saw him first and was commenting on how big he has gotten and saying hello to him. We all came into the room and Dr. H did my once over exam to listen to my heart and lungs and check my stomach. He asked me how I was feeling and I said I was feeling good. Then, he said everything is looking excellent. There is barely any bad protein to be detected. If any at all. And that all my labs are looking great! He hasn't said the words, but this means I am basically in complete response. A form of remission. My appointments with Dr. H go so fast because there really isn't anything to discuss. They are basically to make sure I am doing well and feeling ok. He did mention that we may be cutting back on the Zometa. That's the IV drug to help build up my bones. Instead of once every month, I'd be getting it once every three months. Too bad it wasn't the chemo we were going to be cutting back on. But that will come in time.

So, after todays appointment, I feel even better. I am still sick. I still have some bad proteins in my body, but I am basically cancer free for the time being. I am healthy and I am here. I have kicked cancers booty! And I will keep doing it.

Pictures

Pictures. Everybody takes them. Everybody has them. For me, they are a little more special. I remember my dad always taking pictures of everything and anything. Places, scenery, us kids, family outings, sports we were in, everything. I also remember my grandpa, dads father, taking a lot of pictures. He always had his camera with him. I think that is where I got it from.

I too take pictures of anything and everything. I took photography in high school. That is where I fell in love with black and white photography. And, especially scenery in black and white. Not sunset or sunrise, because beautiful colors need to be in color, but mountains, meadows, fields, trees, etc, in black and white brings so much depth, emotion and dimension into the picture.

the last 18 months I have had 1 consistent subject I have been taking pictures of. My son Brandon. I love capturing everything he does. All his silly expressions. His whole world and how he looks at it. He is my pride and joy. The older I got, the more I thought I would never have a child of my own. But I did. He is my Rainbow baby as we lost two pregnancies before him. He saved me. I've wrote about it before. If it weren't for him, we would never had found my cancer as early as we did. Most people who find out about their Multiple Myeloma cancer find out because they break a bone. A hip, their back, something big. Then, and only then, is it found. For me, because I was pregnant and they check my urine so much, they noticed something off as the protein levels were high for so long and my blood pressure was low. Consistently low. So, I didn't have preeclampsia. More tests ended up revealing Multiple Myeloma.

Before my diagnosis at 28 weeks pregnant August 19, 2015, I knew I would take a lot of pictures of Brandon. But after that day, I knew I needed to take even more. And keep even more pictures. Not just for me, but for Brandon. Eric isn't much of a picture taker. I do that. That's why any picture of me with Brandon ends up being a selfie. I take so many pictures because I want Brandon to see his childhood. To see himself and mommy and daddy when he was little. Because there may be one day that I am not able to take so many pictures. I already missed a week. Yes, my mother and father in law took some pictures and my dad took some pictures, but when I was hospitalized after my stem cell transplant, I couldn't take any pictures and capture his world. I couldn't see what he was doing. What his reaction to his new adventures were. I want him to see that.

I have been told that I take too many pictures by a few people. Also, that I post too many pictures on social media. I might do that, but it's because I want to bring as much joy I get from watching Brandon grow to my friends and family also. And I have been told some, or most, people love seeing the pictures. But there are a few who think it's too much. They don't want to see them. And why, I have no clue. But, I am so proud of who he is becoming that I want to share it with family and friends. Do I care that there are people who think I take too many pictures of him? Nope, not at all. They have the right to their opinion, just like I have the right to take the pictures and post them.

You better believe that once he is old enough to understand, I will get him a small camera to use. To take his own pictures. I will teach him to take pictures of everything and anything like mommy does and grandpa and his great grandpa did. It is something I want to pass on to him when I go. I'm not leaving anytime soon. I am here fighting this cancer and kicking it's butt. But the thing about Multiple Myeloma is, it's sneaky. It will appear again. It may come back more fierce than it originally was. I will probably have to change my chemo regime when it does decide to rear it's ugly head again. And maybe I won't be able to fight it as well as I am now. But I don't think about that. I only think about fighting and kicking MM to the curb. Fighting for Eric. Fighting for Brandon. Fighting for all my friends and family who stick by my side through all of this.

So, yes, I take a lot of pictures. Especially of Brandon. I want him to see his childhood. I want him to see what I saw. And I will continue to take pictures of him and post them on social media. You can have your opinion. It is ok. And I can have mine. So, enjoy the pictures or not. No sweat off my back.

Slow Down

I've realized something recently. I will never be where I used to be.

Before my cancer diagnosis I worked out 5-6 days a week. I could run errands all day and not be exhausted. I could not only run errands all day on my weekends but I could still go to work and not feel like my body was going to shut down. Before my cancer diagnosis I could chase my nephew and niece around and keep up with them.

With my cancer diagnosis I had to slow down. I didn't work out like I used to. I would walk 3 days a week instead of my regular rigorous 5-6 day a week workouts. Walking has become enough for me. Of course, I was nearing the end of my pregnancy when my diagnosis came about. I had 12 weeks to go. I was getting bigger and slowing down anyways. But not to the level I had to with the diagnosis.

There is a difference between pregnancy slow down and cancer slow down. With pregnancy, it's because you are getting bigger and you are pumping blood and energy for two. With cancer, it's because you have a low immune system and that makes you have less energy. Put the pregnancy slow down and the cancer slow down together and you can see that I sat and rested a lot there in the last few weeks before Brandon was born.

After I had Brandon, some energy came back. But then I started chemo 5 weeks after I gave birth. Chemo involved slowed me down more again. There was one day a week I would be down and out for the count because I got sick. It was usually 3 days after my chemo treatment. Put that in with taking care of a baby, and that makes things really hard. I was exhausted. I am exhausted. Especially with a toddler running around.

This last week Eric and I have been lucky to have most evenings together to run errands and spend time together. We've done a lot in the few days. Really it was Tuesday and Thursday. We were going to run errands on Wednesday but I was too tired from Tuesday. So tired that while at work I was dragging on Wednesday. To the point I could barely walk to the printer. Not only was that going on, but my whole body ached. We resumed running errands on Thursday evening. And, when we got home, I was back to being so exhausted I could barely help with nighttime routine for Brandon. But I still did it. When I finally got myself to bed, I was done. I couldn't fall asleep right away, but I sunk into our bed with no problem.

I'm not complaining. I have a wonderful VERY helpful husband who makes me slow down when he see's I'm having issues and a healthy, amazing, confident little boy who I couldn't imagine being there for. That is why I push myself. That's the moral of the story. Cancer slows me down. I thought after my transplant I would bounce back to my old normal self, but I didn't. So, I have to deal with that and not push myself too hard. Save myself for Brandon and Eric. They are my main priority.

Stress And MM

Two weeks ago we were in an accident. A 16 year old girl who had JUST gotten her license and was driving her friend (who was not 25 or older) home t-boned us and then rear ended us. This week we just got word that our car may end up being totaled. Something I am afraid of. I've been so stressed since the accident happened, knowing we had to get a new carseat for Brandon, I have a rental car and our car is in the shop and possibly going to be totaled.

Because of the stress I have learned something. When I am stressed out, my body doesn't want to cooperate. I'm achy, all over. Non stop for the last two weeks. Mainly my back, but that checked out to have no new fractures with an x-ray after the accident. All of this because of Multiple Myeloma. MM has caused my body to almost shut down. In stress, when sick, anything where the body is experiencing anything abnormal.

I know even more now, that I can not go back into dispatching. The stress of the job and the hours will not be good on my body. As much as I knew for a few months I couldn't go back into dispatching, it hits hard for me to know by feeling that I can not go back to a job I have had for so long and was/am good at. I felt like a natural when doing my job as a dispatcher. I have all my trainers and mentors to thank for that. Eddie Mitchell, Victor Tovar, Robinette Jewell, Teri Howell, Lorin Leverenz, and the list keeps going. They've all molded me to the dispatcher I am. But, my health is most important. Especially since I have Eric and Brandon to think about. They need me. And they need me to be healthy.

Now that I know I will never dispatch again, I need to thank this stressful time the 16 year old girl gave me. If we were never hit by her, I wouldn't be going through this stress. My body wouldn't be aching and making it hard to do things. My body would be my body. Because of MM and the accident, I have learned that I need to take it easy. Not stress too much. Too much stress shuts my body down. Makes it harder to play with and interact with Brandon. Now, I focus on trying to find another job. Since the position I am working in now is only temporary until October 10th.

Writing A Book

I'm coming up on almost a year since I started this blog. It's intent was to give a spot. One spot, where people can go for updates about me and my cancer and the treatment I was going through. As I started writing, people suggested I should write a book. To write a book about what I've written in this blog. Basically turning my blog into a book.

The only thing I need to do now is make the time to take the blog posts I want to put in the book and put them together. Then fill in some places I missed or cut out at the time. I know the sooner the better, but it's hard when you're scared. Yes, I admitted it. I'm scared. I never thought of writing a book until people started suggesting it when I started the blog. I never thought I was book writing material. I figured my blog was like a thinking out loud diary for everybody to read. It started with Eric telling me I should turn it into a book. Then, my mother in law and a few other people agreed.

But, I'm scared. I think I'm scared because it's my life. It's my life I would be putting out there for even more people to read. It would be a good thing though at the same time. It was get it out there that my cancer is not just in elderly men anymore. It can happen at any age. Even while pregnant. It can happen in the healthiest of people also. So why am I so scared? I think I'm so scared because I'm afraid I will put so much time into the book and nobody would want to buy it. Nobody would want to read it. So much time and it would go nowhere.

If I wrote my book it would be a good thing, too. Like I said before, it would get it out there that it's not just for elderly men. I could help people know what to look for. I could give others hope on how to live your life while living with this cancer. It's not easy some days, but it can be done. I think what I need to know is, if I wrote a book. Would you read it? Would you buy it and read it? I feel like I need to know that it wouldn't just sit there. I'd want to know that people will actually read it. Then, I would go on trying to write a children's book. Maybe a children's book about a girl and boy with cancer and they are super heroes. Something. Something for those going through treatment for childhood cancer. Something to give them hope. Would you buy a book like that for your children? Something that would help healthy children know that those with cancer are not contagious. They are the same as you and me, they are just sick. Would you buy a book like that for your children. These are the things I need to know before I write these books. Before I let my life and thoughts out there for everybody in the world. Would you buy these books?