Silent Stalker

It's here again. My silent stalker. Last time it showed it's ugly face was about 2 1/2 weeks ago or so. The last time it was in the middle of the night? On August 19th and for about 2 weeks after that date. I call it my silent stalker because its always there like a stalker, hiding, waiting. Silent? Because I can be going about my life, happy and excited, then...BAM! There it is, and my day or night becomes sad or bad. But usually sad. A lot of crying. It sucks. And a lot of the time I feel like I can't talk about it. That nobody will understand. I know that's all in my head though, but I can't shake it.

What is my silent stalker you ask? Depression. Plain and simple, depression. I know I'm not alone. I know there are a lot of people who have it. Mine is my cancer related. Not knowing why it picked me. Not knowing if my treatment is going to work. If my transplant will work. How long I really have left. I feel like Eric doesn't deserve this. He deserves so much better. In the beginning I hid this depression. I felt like I had to hide it to help everybody around me. To help Eric feel better and for him to not be sad or depressed. Now, I know that when it comes about, I need to just talk about it.

Talking about it. Supposed to be the best medicine for it. Sometimes, in my case, it is. Other times, it makes me feel worse. Helpless. Useless. I feel useless when the pain is at it's worse. Especially when it's not just my bone pain that hurts, but the headaches I get from the Velcade. Thats my chemo shot I get once week. Tonight, I feel useless. I feel useless because my back hurts, my knees hurt and my head is pounding. Nothing is working right now. I tried the Deep Blue Essential oil from DoTerra on my back earlier and it really worked. But, I feel it has now worn off, 6 hours later, and my depression has me up at 1:30am and debilitated in bed. I don't want to get up. I feel like I can't get up. It sucks! Plain and simple, it sucks!

My silent stalker. I wish it would leave me alone. Forever. Bring back the usual me. The happy positive me. The me people like to be around. The me that I am when the pain isn't there. The me from before August 19th. I miss that me. She's here. Deep down, I know she's here. I'd just like her more that it. Not just for me really, but for Eric, for my family, for my friends, for Brandon. She's a lot more pleasant to be around.

I believe I attempt to hide the depression because I am ashamed. I'm ashamed that I'm letting the diagnosis do this to me. I'm ashamed because I know I am better than it. I'm a fighter. I'm kicking cancers ass. But, for me, lately I can't seem to kick depression in the ass. Maybe I will be able to once I have my transplant and see my white blood cells coming back up. Maybe I will be able to once I hear those words "You are in remission" or "You are in complete response". Since, for Multiple Myeloma, there is no cure for now.

I'm going to beat this. My silent stalker. The MM. I'm going to. I know I will, but right now, the silent stalker is taking over. So, I decided to write. Maybe this will help me kick it for now. If anything, so I can at least sleep. I need sleep. For now, I will leave you with what I wrote. I need to attempt to get some sleep. Even if broken or just a few hours. So, good night, and hopefully when I wake up in the morning my silent stalker will be silent once again.