Full Day At the Treatment Center

Morning snuggles

The alarm was set for 5:30am this morning. Both Eric and I were up at 5am automatically because we had to use the restroom. For me, it was because of the saline fluids being pumped through me constantly since about 4pm yesterday. Then, we couldn't fall back to sleep. Mainly because we knew that the alarm was going to be going off within about 20 or 30 minutes, so we slowly got up to start getting ready. I didn't want to get up. Not that I didn't want to get ready to go or anything, I just know I need more sleep. At least when we do sleep while here, the beds are REALLY comfortable. I sleep so good when I am sleeping here. I do believe that we will be needing to get a new mattress very soon.

Me, waiting to meet my nurse and get started

We finally got up and Eric got the coffee going while I got myself prepared to get in the shower. By prepared, I mean taking a baggie and putting my Hickman line in it, sealing it shut, folding it up, and taping it to me. It's a process for the next 2 months. But honestly, I'll do it if it means I will be getting better. I was finally ready to get in the shower. That was tough because I was still hooked up to my BIG bag of hydration. So I could only reach so far with that attached to me. To give you an idea of just how big the bag is, a normal bag is 1 liter. Like I am hooked up to now sitting in the hospital bed for my treatment. This bag that I wheel everywhere with me is just over 4 liters. That's why I emphasized big. Ok, back on track now. Squirrel! One of the things I'm not supposed to do right now since getting my Hickman line yesterday is have my head lower than my heart. The reason being, if that happens, I can get dizzy and possibly faint. So, Eric had to help me dry off. I finally got dressed, did my hair and make-up and was ready to go. At this point, we still had about 45 minutes before we had to leave. I had my coffee, had an English muffin and took my pills. 

Here we are, before anything got hooked up

While Eric was showering I got to hold my sleeping baby boy. Something we saw this morning (well, we knew it before, but kind of cool to see when you are limited on things) was that Brandon was squirmy with Eric. He was kind of asleep, kind of awake and really fidgety. This was before I got in the shower. So, Eric took Brandon and laid him down next to me and he instantly stopped squirming and being fidgety. I'll be honest. It's the boobs. He loves the boobs. It's one of his comforts. I gave him about 20 minutes of mommy cuddles before I really had to get in the shower. After this morning, part of my precautions is that I will not be able to sleep with him in the same bed. So sad, but I need my health to be able to be here for him in the long run. 

Loving these yellow hospital socks

Once Eric and I were both ready, we got Brandon (he was still sleeping) with grandma and grandpa and we were about to walk out the door when Eric dropped on accident his breakfast. I felt so bad. He told me to go ahead and go and he will meet me here or catch up with me. I ended up getting faster than he could catch up to me. I'm a fast walker. I learned that from my step-mom when we wherein a mission in the mall. Back then, I remember thinking "you're walking too fast". Now, I realize, it was just her way of getting herself and 4 kids through the crowds and to where she wanted to go. Very efficient if you ask me. So, he caught up to me when I was checking in for my treatment. 

WHAT? That's 7 bags of different things

We were called back and the nurse assistant Kenny did my weight, then took us to our room where he continued the vital signs. blood pressure and temperature. One thing I do have to say, here at Stanford, they do everything in kilograms and celsius. I've never seen that in a hospital. It's kinda cool, but for me I have to really think about it. Of course, I usually look it up later. Then we met my nurse for the day. Shawnee is awesome. Really, all of our nurses have been amazing. She went over what we would be doing today and gave me the menu for my meals. They were going to get my breakfast so I was ready to look for what I wanted. She got me unhooked from my hydration on wheels and hooked up to the saline bags here, along with Zofran to help me not get sick, lasicks (so I can pee), and then my Cytoxan chemo. The chemo part was only 2 hours. The rest is just hydration. The reason for hydration I mentioned in my previous post, but basically Cytoxan, if you are not hydrated can cause an infection in your bladder and cause the bladder lining to bleed. They found if they hydrate you well before, during and after, it won't cause that. So, that is the need for the hydration on wheels until tomorrow and the long day here today. 

Starting to blog & I NEED my Posh hand creme

Basically, all I have done here is write some, talk to people checking in on me through text or Facebook, talk to Eric, and pee. We did get up and walk the hall a little after lunch. I needed to stretch my legs. It's weird doing that and having a tower with saline bags attached to it tagging along. Kind of cramps the "date". But, Eric didn't mind. I miss Brandon. I think today is the longest I have been away from him yet. But, I know he is doing well and in good hands with Erics parents. 

The menu for breakfast, lunch and dinner

Now we are back at the apartment. Since the last paragraph we ordered dinner (both of us had a spring salad with chicken and ranch), Shawnee watched and helped Eric change my dressing and clean around the area of my Hickman line, I was hooked up to a new BIG bag of hydration to take with me, we had our dinners, and I got my hepa mask I will need to wear when outside of the home or car. Going anywhere, I have to wear it until after my stem cells are taken out of me. Then I am free to roam about the country (ok, Stanford area and home) without it until we return back and I get my next chemo on June 2nd.

Down to just 2 bags of saline from the 7 different ones I started with

I thought the mask was going to be uncomfortable, but it's not. Its actually pretty comfortable. I'm already used to it and only wore it for the 4 minute walk back to the apartment from the Cancer Center. We are now relaxing here at the apartment. Thinking of maybe going to the arboretum area here. It's an outdoor area thats full of trees. We've driven through it on the way here, but haven't stopped and walked around. So if it doesn't rain, which it looks like it's going to, we will head over there after everybody has eaten and Brandon wakes up. It shows just how much exercise he's getting with grandma and grandpa. He's taken more naps than he does at home and sleeps longer too. Then again, I also believe he's growing, he's definitely teething and he's using his brain a lot more. That can tire anybody out. 

The way Eric was able to take a nap

I know I keep saying it, but THANK YOU everybody who reads my posts, has helped us and checked in on us. They are much appreciated. We are trying to respond to everybody but sometimes it gets away from us. The main portion of this process is in motion and started. 

Central Venus Catheter (Hickman line) Placement & Hook Up

This morning we were up at 4am for my 6:30am appointment. We are staying only about a 4 minute walk away, but we needed time to wake up, shower and get moving. I had to do a surgical cleans while showering this morning before we left. Just to clean the neck and torso area more than a usual shower can do. I will say, usually a shower is enough to wake me up. I will have coffee mainly for the taste and a little extra pick me up. This morning, it was really tough to wake up. Even after my shower. I am sure I could have gone back to sleep after  my shower since I couldn't have any coffee this morning. Just sips of water to take my pills. No food either, and while sitting in pre-op I was getting hungry.

Snuggling the little man

While Eric got ready, I snuggled with Brandon one last time before getting this hook up since for a few days it's going to be tender and he's going to want to grab it. Which isn't good. So, I had the snuggle time with him while he was still sleeping. Once Eric and I were ready to go, I called for the shuttle service to come get us and take us over to the Cancer Center for my appointment. We waited for 20 minutes and nobody showed up, so, we walked over there. That was how we found out it is only a 4 minute walk. And, it's a nice walk too. This morning was chilly, but not too much. It was nice to have that walk too. A little bit of exercise and air does a person good.

Waiting in the waiting room

Once we got to the Cancer Center and registered, we waited in the waiting room for about 10 minutes. Then we got called back to the pre-op area to get me ready for the surgery. The nurse did the usual. I was weighed, my temperature was taken, blood pressure done, they set up my IV and hooked me up. They also gave me a few warm blankets because it was cold back there in pre-op. Once done with all of that, we had another hour or so until I was going to be taken back to the surgery room. During this time Eric and I caught up on news, talked to each other, took goofy pictures (ok, I was taking goofy pictures) and then I started to get really tired. So I closed my eyes for a few minutes.

IV hook up

The nurse practitioner who was going to perform the procedure came in to talk to us and explain everything that would be going on. Then, the anesthesiologist came in to introduce herself and let me know that this procedure is a conscious sedation procedure. What that means is, they are going to numb the area and I will be given some medicine to keep me comfortable, but I will be awake and able to hear and see things going on around me. They were going to have my head and most of my body covered by a sterile sheet. While being rolled back, the Anesthesiologist Kris let me know that we will be listening to music and just let her know what I want to hear. My choice? Jack Johnson of course! Something calming and chill. While they were preping me Bob Marley "Every Little Thing" came on. Yep, isn't that so true? Every little thing IS going to be alright.

 Ready to go

Goofy faces

Waiting

The procedure itself seemed to go really fast. I think it was about 30 minutes long. The whole time I just felt a little pressure and tugging. But the lidocaine had numbed the area, so there was no pain. Well, no pain until afterwards. They gave me an ice pack to bring home and use for the soreness. because I will tell you, it's sore. I was then rolled into recovery and the nurse got Eric to come back. He thought it was going to be like having his wisdom teeth taken out. He thought I was going to be really out of it and all. Nope! I was just fine. A little tired, but I was feeling good. So good that the nurse offered and brought me a sandwich. Turkey sandwich on a crescent roll and some grapes. Yum-o! After maybe 15 or 20 minutes I got dressed and we were all set to go.

Ready to go

We ended up walking back to our apartment. I think the walk back was good for me because it got me moving again and the fresh air was nice also. Once back to the apartment, I hugged and kissed on a sleeping Brandon and then off to bed it was. I played down in bed, placed the ice pack on my chest and I was out. Luckily it was about 10am when I fell asleep and didn't have to be up until 1pm to get ready for the next appointment. After the nap, I felt great. I really needed that sleep. I was sore, but felt great. We got some lunch, I snuggled with Brandon for a little bit and then we were off on our walk back over to the Cancer Center for my continuous fluid hook up.

My Hickman line (Central Venus Catheter)

This is the really interesting part. We got there, got checked in and brought back to the treatment area. I big room with 8 chairs in it. It looked like the rooms at Kaiser for my chemo treatments. We sat in a chair, the amazing nurse Samira took some labs out of my new Hickman line, and we met with one of the pharmacy staff, Annabelle. She taught us about the pump for my continuous fluids. How to check it, how to clear alarms, what different alarms mean, etc. After Annabelle, we met with Tara, a Dietician. She talked to us about the diet I will be on. Let us ask any questions we may have about it. Like what I can and can not have. No berries, unless they are cooked, wash ALL fruits and vegetables very well, and make sure all meat is cooked thoroughly. Another thing I found out is that I can have lunch meats, I just have to heat them up. Basically, like when I was pregnant. I can also have ice cream, just not soft/self serve. It has to be bought in the freezer section of the grocery store.

All hooked up to my new "baby" for the next few days

After Tara, our nurse Samira came back, set us up to watch the 5 minute video on the hep filter mask I will be wearing starting tomorrow. Annabelle came back when we were done to get me hooked up to my very large saline bag in a backpack on wheels. The large bag has saline and potassium in it. I will be connected to and have to wheel this bag around with me until Friday afternoon before we head home. The reason for this bag is to keep me hydrated. The Cytoxin IV chemo I will be getting tomorrow can cause issues with the bladder and cause it to bleed. They found that as long as you keep hydrated, it will help prevent the infection and bleeding. So, they start the fluids early and keep them going through the next day. Luckily, today is the first day we didn't have anywhere we all had to be once the appointments were over. I was able to come back to the apartment (again, Eric and I walked) and actually sit down and relax. Eric went to get my remaining prescriptions at Kaiser in Redwood City and stopped at Target one more time to pick me up some tank tops to cover my Hickman line so Brandon doesn't grab on to them and put it out.

Walking back to the apartment with the new "baby" for the day

Tonight is the first time in a few days we have been able to just rest and relax. Tomorrow is a long day. We will be at the Cancer Center for about 9 hours or so. They will feed me breakfast, lunch and dinner. I will get my own room with restroom. During that time, I will try to do another post while there. In between reading, napping and other things I have brought with me to keep me busy. Thank you for reading. I know sometimes I can ramble, but I figure this is the best place to put the information out for everybody to see.

Little Mans First Time Swimming

Yesterday, Tuesday the 3rd of May, after all the appointments and classes we had (ok, there was 1 appointment and one class but it seemed like it was a VERY long day) we decided to go swimming. The main reason for that was because once I got my Hickman Line (the next post will be about that and the process) I wasn't going to be able to go swimming until after the end of my 100 days after transplant. So, we got back to our little apartment, got myself and Brandon in our swim gear and headed down to the pool.

We got down there and Brandon saw the big "bathtub" and started to get excited. He was kicking his legs around in my arms and making his excited squeals and all smiles. We got in and it was a little cold, but we started off on the steps with him standing up while I held his hands. He got a huge smile on his face. Which in turn made my heart leap for joy. It makes me so happy to have him love the water so much. With me being a "water baby" and growing up swimming, going to the beach and playing water polo, I have my little water baby. He is his mothers son.

We got all the way in and it's like he knew exactly what to do. My swim instructor in me kicked back in really fast and I help him on his chest and he started kicking on his own. I even turned him over on his back and he knew to kick that way too. He was so excited. Splashing, smiling, giggling, and just happy to be in the pool. I finally got in to my shoulders also since it was pretty cold to myself. Then, came time for the dunk. I stood there smiling and talking to him and then bobbed him up and down in the water a few times and blew in his face and dunked him under really fast. Of course, that startled him. At first he didn't know what to think of it. Then the look on his face was not a happy one but he was still happy to be with mommy in the water.

We only swam for about 10 or 15 minutes because it was so cold. We got out, got dried off and then rested and got warm before walking back up to the room. It made my heart happy and brought a huge smile to my face to have been able to take him swimming and for him to like the pool so much. Now I will feel much better about him going swimming with other people like his grandma and grandpas in June when we are back here for my transplant. It will also help tire him out too and maybe he will sleep even longer during the nights.

 After swimming, resting and comfortable 

Happy boy in the water. He was in his element.

First Stay Of Three

It's been a long day. It's 10:30pm and our day started at 6am when my alarm went off for us to get up and start getting ready. I let Eric and Brandon sleep a little longer while I showered and got ready. Once I was done, which took a lot less time since I cut my hair on Sunday night. I'll write about that later. It was go go go from the time we woke up. Finishing packing. Checking lists I made several times to make sure we didn't forget anything. Loaded the car up and off we left for Stanford.

We tried to leave by 9am but left at 9:30am. Not too bad really, or so we thought. We hit traffic a little outside of Sacramento that put us about an hour behind schedule. We thought I had an actual appointment at 12:30pm. So, me being the person who always needs to be at least 10-15 minutes early, was freaking out. Finally, when we hit more traffic around Pleasanton I called and found out we had to be there no later than 1pm. Thankfully we knew we could be here by then. When we got here Eric dropped me off at the Cancer Center and I went in to have my labs done and an x-ray of my chest area while he parked the car. After that was over and I met up with him, we went to my appointment with my doctor here. Dr. W is amazing! He also teaches here at Stanford University. So, when he explains what is going on, he explains everything in a way I can actually understand it. It's awesome! During this appointment, he explained that I will need to pick up new prescriptions that he was giving me and that Wednesday I will start with a continuous IV fluids that will go through till we leave on Friday. I will have these fluids with me in a little bag or backpack type thing. He also explained that on Thursday I will be getting an all day chemotherapy to help kill off whatever Myeloma cells are still in my blood. On Friday we will go back to disconnect the IV fluids and also learn how to do the Neupogen injections. That injection will help my stem cells develop faster for the collection of them in about 2 weeks.

After we met with Dr. W, his nurse coordinator, Inna, came in to go over everything in detail. I will write about each day in more detail later. But she did explain each prescription I will be having. There are 12 new prescriptions I am picking up in the morning that I will be starting on Friday when they show us how to do the injection. Dr. W cut the prescriptions I was already taking by about half. That was nice. Of course, we brought everything with with us, so no we have things here we don't need. But, it was a learning experience this trip I think.

Once that appointment was done, we went to a 30 minute class on the care of my central venus catheter. In the class were 2 other couples. Of course, we were the younger ones. We learned how to lay everything out for cleaning, how to clean it, how to make sure we don't use scissors for anything so we don't cut the lines and I don't bleed out, how to clamp the lines, and in the end, flush them. After the instruction, we went through the process then were free to go.

We then headed over to our H.O.M.E. away from home to check in. It's a small one bedroom furnished apartment. The place has a little balcony, is walking distance to the Cancer Center and has a pool we are going to try to get in tomorrow after everything is done. That way I can swim with Brandon before I get my catheter, start the process and have my 100 day period after my transplant. Today though, Eric, Judy, Bill, Brandon, and I headed to Kaiser in Redwood City to drop off my prescriptions and get some dinner. We finally got home around 9pm or so and got organized, settled in and now we are all SO ready for bed as it's after 11pm now.

Thank you everybody for the well wishes, thoughts, prayers, and good vibes. We appreciated everything and just knowing you all are there thinking about us helps get us through this time. Now, we are off to bed as we have to get some sleep for tomorrow. Good Night!!

Bitter Sweet

It was a little bitter sweet today. Today is Wednesday. Today was chemo day. Today was my last chemo day at Kaiser Outpatient Oncology. I will be back there in 2 weeks, but just to have labs drawn everyday for a few days, but knowing I won't be there for 2 weeks and then not again for a long time. So, it was definitely bitter sweet.

First, I got a call back from Dr. H yesterday about my latest bone marrow biopsy. We knew from looking at the sample taken that I was doing very well. We just had to wait to see what Pathology said after they tested it. Well, my cancer is almost undetectable. It's still there, lurking, but it's not as detectable in my bone marrow as the last/first biopsy. This is really great news. It also means that this can really help me and be beneficial in my transplant. With collection and the transplant process. So, very good news there!

Once we got there this morning, we visited with the reception staff. Jo and another lady I hadn't really met yet. So I'm not sure of her name. We showed Jo Brandon's new move. His walking with us holding his hands. While sharing that, Jessica came out to get me along with one of the volunteers who wanted to meet Brandon. Because really, who doesn't want to meet him? After a few minutes of cuddles and snuggles we (Jessica and I) went back for my treatment. Today, because it was my last day for treatment, I made and brought the nurses and receptionists cupcakes I made. Which, they were excited. The few who had one basically right away said they were good. Which, I am happy about. I'm not the worlds greatest baker. I am nothing like my friend Summer, but I do try. I look for recipes that will be easy for me to make.

S'mores Cupcakes

I ended up getting not just Velcade today, but my IV Zometa. So, I was going to be there a little longer. It was nice to also because I got to visit with some of the nurses. Let them all know how things were going and what we were going to be doing. Next week we start the pre-transplant process at Stanford. Classes, labs, doctor appointment, catheter placement (in my chest), and Cytosine infusions. A whole week of most likely being exhausted. We get home on Friday night and start the home process. The Neupogen shots. Saturday we start that one. Then, the following Wednesday we will start the daily morning lab draws at oncology until we go back to Stanford to have my stem cells taken out.

After chemo selfie with this guy

Once they are taken out, we come home until June 1 when we go back for up to a month. My actual transplant is on June 6, but we have the pre-transplant appointments and the harsher chemo, Melphalan, which will cause me to lose my hair. So, before we go to Stanford for the month, Eric will be shaving my hair off. But not before I have my friend Colleen give me a haircut that is WAY out of my norm. I have what I am going to do, but no pictures yet. I will post them after the appointment.

I missed seeing some of the staff today, but I know I will see them on Facebook or when I go back for the labs. It's just weird to think I won't see them each week for a while. Now, I sit here, watching Brandon watch Little Einsteins and the dogs play with each other. Eric is about to cook an amazing dinner and I am going to clean up a little at a time. Laundry must get started so we are ready for next week and lists need to be made of what we need to do and what we need to pack and bring. If I don't make a list, we will forget it. And, I don't want to forget anything. So, it's off to relax, clean and list make. Until next time!

Relaxing, comfy clothes, writing

Four Points...& A Little More

I was going through the notes on my phone earlier today. Cleaning up the ones that were old and I didn't need anymore. Then there was this one I decided to still keep from the end of November when I read a blog I found on Facebook. I don't remember the name of it, but the blog post I read really hit me that I ended up taking a few notes. The notes I took were things I was feeling at the time and to have somebody else feel them and write them made me feel like I wasn't alone. It felt good to know I wasn't the only one. Especially with being a new mom. Very new at that point.

In that blog post, the notes I took, there were 4 main things that resinated with me. The first one...

1. Not only do you have to come to terms with your diagnosis-a mom with cancer-you have to help your family and friends come to terms with it as well. You have to smile and reassure, even when you feel like you're breaking apart.
             You see, there were a few people in my life that I felt like this about. I had to be the one to be strong and help them. I had to show them that everything was ok. That I was doing well. Even though deep down I was hurting. Not just physically, but mentally. I would have those nights that I would cry myself to sleep holding Brandon after Eric went to bed. And, when he went back to work? I would sit there one minute staring at Brandon and all his innocence and how happy I was to have him in my life, and the next minute I would break down crying because all the "what if's" came into my head. "What if this thing decides to be so aggressive that chemo doesn't work and it takes me in a few months? What if I do really well on chemo and I get my transplant and then a year or 3 down the road it comes back more aggressive and nothing helps?" Those "what if's" scare me. I don't want Brandon to grow up without me. I know he's in great hands with Eric as his father and his grandma's, grandpa's, aunts, uncles, and cousins, but he wouldn't have me. And that not only scares me, but mades me really sad. So, yes, I felt from day one, after the initial shock, sadness and tears, like I had to be strong for everybody else. Not just myself.

2. You want to tell your husband all of your fears and the things that keep you awake at night, but somehow, if feels selfish. You know that's silly, but you just can't look in his eyes and see the pain there and release your own.
             When I was diagnosed, it was hard for both of us. When I got the call from the nephrologist and I did like anybody would do, the stupid thing to do, and Googled the phrase she used "your bone marrow is producing abnormal protein" my heart immediately sunk and I called Eric. I knew I would only be able to leave a message because he too was at work. I also sent him a text, just in case he didn't listen to his voicemail. When I Googled that phrase the first thing to come up was Multiple Myeloma. Then Myeloma. I read a little about it and had to stop because I was at work and I was getting choked up and had tears in my eyes. When I got home that night, Eric was the one who appeared on the outside to be strong. He was relaxed and said "we don't know and it can be a false positive". The next few days I tried my best to keep it together and not worry too much, but better said than done, right? I didn't even tell my parents at that point either. I didn't want them to worry before we knew exactly what was going on. After we met with Dr. H both Eric and I did our grieving differently. We are both emotional, but Eric doesn't always cry or have tears. He does get depressed, like I do, but I couldn't help but ball my eyes out. Then, after about a week, I stopped. It was like I didn't have anymore tears at that time. I got to the point where I was just trying to be strong for both of us. He would say "why couldn't it be me that had this?" "I want to take this pain away from you and have it for me" and other things like that. I knew he was hurting and upset, like I was, but I felt like I couldn't talk to him about how I was feeling because I knew he was already hurting enough. Since then, Eric and I will have talks while sitting in our chairs having coffee or sitting in bed holding watching Brandon play or crawl around between us or while driving in the car on the way to appointments or whatever may be. I have learned how to work around this one. Even if it is hard still, I make sure to let Eric know what's going on. That's one way this blog came about. To get it all out there.

3. It's a balancing act of trying to stay strong for yourself and family while trying not to fold under the pressure and panic that slowly sets in. The treatments are grueling, making you physically and sometime mentally ill.
               It's true. Most days after treatment I put on the strong woman act. I may have an excruciating headache or feel really nauseous, but I always think that it could be so much worse. And, I don't want to burden others and have them come help me. I know, I know. They (you) all want to help. But when you have always been the strong one and been the one to help others, it's tough to ask for help. I have only asked for help from somebody other than Eric maybe a handful of times. Once, my friend Colleen came over. I know she said I could nap, relax and she would take care of Brandon, but I honestly couldn't nap because I wanted to visit with her. Another time was Christmas. It wasn't so much of asking for help as much as needing to go nap and be away from everybody else because I was feeling really nauseous that day. Luckily, my brother in law Jeff and sister in law Christina knew exactly what I was going through/feeling because a while back Jeff had been going through chemo for a cancer he had. He's healthy now. But there are days when I am mentally not doing ok. Nothing that would make me harm myself. I am far from that. But mentally I feel like I can not be strong. And those days I don't talk to many people. I just hang out here at home with Brandon and the pups and keep to myself. I am slowly learning how to ask for help, but it isn't always easy. I am more likely to accept it and admit I need help when somebody tells me they are coming over to help me rather than asking me if I want them to help me.

4. You privately rail at the injustice of feeling so weak when you've always felt so strong. You want to be the poster child for endurance, but at some point, you just want it over. You avoid people so you don't have to see or hear the pity when they tell you how sorry they are. You have no idea how to respond to it anyhow other than to shrug it off and say it is what it is. Cancer is terrible any way you look at it.
               This one is big! Especially since in just the last two years I had taken back my health and had been working out 5-6 days a week. Even through my pregnancy up until my diagnosis I was working out. I'd do my 25 minute workouts and even did videos of me, pregnant, doing the Cize workout. I had so much energy and felt so good, and then the diagnosis came and I was told not to do those workouts anymore. I have felt so weak since then. And not because of being sick, but because of not being able to do the things I've always been able to do. For a while I would wouldn't want to go anywhere that we would be around people we knew. I mean, I had to go some places. Like work. Even though I was taken off work an put on disability, I still had to go in to take care of paperwork and timesheet and such. I really didn't want to go in because I knew I would get the "I'm so sorry's" and the long tight hugs that would feel so good but would make me cry because I was always the strong one for them. It was tough. It's still tough. But, I get out and show people how I'm doing. How I'm feeling.

Another point I somewhat remember is something about telling your kids. Brandon is still too young to understand. Although his first 6 months of life, and counting, have been spent going to Kaiser Oncology and to the lab and pharmacy. None of it for him, all for his mommy. It's the "normal" way of life for him and all he knows right now. But when the time comes that Eric and I have to sit him down and tell him, I can honestly say, I have no idea what or how we will tell him. I do know we will let him know that if it wasn't for him, we may not have known for a long time. That because of him, we were able to find it sooner. That he helped save mommy's life in the end. It's not going to be an easy conversation. I know I will cry. But it isn't something we will ever keep from him.

I'm sure there were more points I was going to take notes on, but I think I was interrupted by sleepiness, a hungry baby or maybe we needed to get going to an appointment. Either way, the blog I read really hit home for me. I'm sure it did for a lot of other moms. I wish I could remember where it was and the name of it, but it escapes my mind right now and I don't have it on my phone anymore. But, if for some reason, this blog get's out there and that author reads this...Thank You! Thank you for writing that post. Thank you for helping me not feel alone. It's been a rough road, but I am working on so many of the points you wrote about. Thank you!

Date Day

As the crazy busy time gets closer, Eric and I thought we should have a date. The last time we had a date was his work Christmas party the end of January. That was the first time we left Brandon with anybody. Of course we picked Jeff and Christina, my brother and sister in law. Eric's sister. For one, they are family, and two, they live close to us. We were lucky since throughout the night, it was only 4 hours, we would get updates and pictures. They understood what we were going through and how we felt.

So, fast forward 3 months and we decide a week before life gets crazy busy that we need a date. Just the two of us. Our "dates" are usually spent at Kaiser or running errands, so we decided to do lunch and a movie. The last movie we saw in the theater? I honestly can't remember. It's been that long for us. So, we asked Jeff and Christina and they said yes. We decided to make it an afternoon date since it was a school/work night for them.

Our day started early. We were up just before 8am to get ready because we had a few things to do before we dropped Brandon off. I decided to get in the shower before breakfast and Eric was going to take care of the dogs. Now, he always starts the coffee for us before he takes them out. I was upstairs still playing with Brandon until he was done with the dogs. When he came up, he brought me my coffee. Already had the creamer in it, then took Brandon downstairs so I could shower. Best thing, I had my coffee while I showered. The last time that happened was while I was still working and before I was pregnant. It was really nice. The shower wakes me up, but so does coffee.

After I showered, I went downstairs and Eric was finishing up feeding Brandon. Since he needed to shower also, I decided to make us breakfast while he showered. It's only right to repay him, right? I'll be honest here, I used to not eat breakfast. I only started to in the last 2 years. It really started when I started doing the Beachbody workouts. I was drinking Shakeology every morning. When I got pregnant I moved my Shakeology to a snack and would have eggs or a breakfast sandwich or oatmeal for breakfast. When I got diagnosed, I continued eating breakfast. The same healthy things I usually have. But now it is so much more. I need to eat breakfast in order to take my pills in the morning. If I don't eat, I get sick. So, long story, I made us breakfast. When that was done, I finished getting ready and we were off.

My breakfast helper

First stop, CostCo. We had some business to take care of for all the busy medical stuff coming up. Unfortunately, the person we needed to see wasn't there and we were going to have to go back later. We dropped Brandon off at Jeff and Christina's and off to lunch and a movie. Originally I wanted Mexican food, but we were running out of time, so it was Greek food. Quick but really good lunch. We hadn't had Daphne's in a few years. Then, off to see a new Melissa McCarthy movie "The Boss". Pretty funny, as usual. We love Melissa McCarthy. We have since we saw her on Mike & Molly. I recently realized that she was on Gilmore Girls also.

Family picture

Our date day went by pretty fast, but we both agreed, it was a really nice day and MUCH needed. After we picked up Brandon, it was back to CostCo. We took care of what we needed to and then it was home. Once home, our "date" kept going. We cleaned up, or started to clean the house so I have a clean place to be once my transplant it done. Cleaning with a baby around is tough. Sometime we wear him, other times we just let him play and when he needs us, he lets us know.

End of the day watching the thunder storm

Today, was another good day. Between the date and cleaning with my family. It was a good day. Relaxing, surprisingly. Amazing how cleaning can be relaxing. Now, for a good nights sleep before this preparation week gets busy. Making lists of calls I need to make and things I need to do. Along with making something nice for all the amazing nurses and receptionists at Kaiser Oncology for Wednesday. It is my last day there for a while. I'm going to miss all of them.