My Baby Boy Turns One

1 year ago today

Never in my wildest dreams would I have figured I would get the chance to stay home and raise my child for their first year. My "plan" (as many moms to be have when pregnant) was to have Brandon without surgery, be off for 3 months with him and then go back to work. ALL of my "plans" were derailed with my cancer diagnosis.

My diagnosis changed my birthplace and how long I would be off work with Brandon. Instead of having him vaginally, I had a c-section. Instead of breastfeeding him, he was bottle fed formula. Instead of taking only 3 months off with him, I had a full year. Not many moms get that, and I am grateful I did. Even if it was because of my cancer diagnosis. My boy is my lifesaver. He found my cancer. The way I was able to repay him was to be off work and home, with him, for a full year. Cancer has been a blessing in disguise so to say.

With all of that, today was low key. Brandon had been getting gifts all week from family. Today, Eric had to work, but luckily only until 3:15pm. He had the early shift today. When he got home he rested a little while I ran out to get a balloon and small cake for tonight. Finally, Eric and I had dinner and since we wanted to give Brandon his gift and then go on a walk, we decided it was time since we were all falling asleep. Eric brought Brandon's gift in from the garage and he was so excited. It was like he remembered it from the store. I could hear the dialogue in his head "IT'S THE ONE! THE ONE I WANTED! THEY REALLY DID GET IT FOR ME! IT'S ALL MINE!" He was so happy. Eric put him in it and he had a smile on his face. Looking around and everything. What we got him was the Little Tikes Cozy Truck. A truck he could sit in and for now, we will push it, but eventually he will be able to use it with his own feet. We took it outside and off we went on a  family walk. A few times we would look down and catch him with one hand on the steering wheel and the other resting on the door of the truck. At one point we went down a small hill and the picture I got looked like he was turning the steering wheel. He had a blast. When we got back, he decided to climb back in. He didn't want to get out, but we still had cake to get to.

Cake was a whole other animal. He isn't too sure about the cakes. He fingers at them and then starts wiping the frosting all over the place. We had to feed him some of the cake to get the hang of it. So funny. Although, he did try to grab the candle. That was on fire. That was moved back real fast. Because he wiped the frosting all over himself, it was bath time, which Eric is taking care of for me since my back is killing me. Makes it hard at times to bend over the bathtub to wash or play with Brandon.

Monday will be the end of my full year home with Brandon. Monday I start back to work. I will be working with the telecom unit for State Parks Monday thru Friday regular hours. It's even a little bit closer to home. About 30 minutes away instead of an hour away.  I will get to be home with Brandon at night and on the weekends. Maybe make some plans to do some indoor swim lessons or something. Just for the few months we have me working this job as it's a temporary position. In the meantime, I will get more experience in office work and will continue to apply to other office type jobs.

I am 122 days post transplant and feeling great. It was well worth all the heartache and tough times in May and June to get here, post transplant, and cancer FREE...for now. I am hoping to stay in complete response for a long time to come. Now, to work on getting my vaccinations again. You know, all the shots our kids get that we got growing up? Yep, I get to get those all over again. My transplant wiped me clean! So, for now, I enjoy life with my family. And slowly get back to a new/old routine.

Multiple Myeloma Support Group & the Weekend

Ever since my diagnosis last year, I have been trying to find a support group. Not just for me, but also for Eric. I figured we could benefit from it. Having people to talk to that were like us. Maybe not so much on the young parents side, but patient/caregiver side for sure. Just last week I commented on a post in a Facebook Multiple Myeloma group. From there, I "met" another local to Sacramento MM patient. She told me about the support group and it just so happens to have a meeting that Saturday (yesterday). She sent me the link to the page so I could look it up. Because I had the day off, I decided it would be perfect to go. Of course, I made sure Brandon could go since I was going to have him, and it was ok as long as he wasn't sick. No problem there. This boy has been lucky so far.

Brandon and I woke up early with Eric so we could get ready to go to the meeting. Unfortunately, Eric couldn't go since he had to work. Maybe next month. But we all got ready for what we had going on and Eric helped me by taking Brandon while I showered. I still have this fear of him getting into something while I am showering and nobody else is home. I guess Brandon ended up with a really messy diaper because Eric asked me to bring a towel down and to hurry. I get downstairs and see Brandon in the sink. He hasn't had a bath in the sink since he was splashing the water all over the kitchen at 4 or 5 months old. This time, he did good. No splashing and making a mess. He just sat there. Like the good boy he is.

Since it was cold, I bundled both Brandon an myself in jeans and sweatshirts (Brandon actually helped me put the sweatshirt on him) and off we went to the meeting. Once there, everybody was welcoming. I was helped and showed where to sign in since I was new and where to get some literature to read and of course, snacks and coffee and juice. A few minutes later I met Liz. She was the one who told me about the group. It was really nice to meet somebody in person who has the same cancer as myself. I've "met" others on Facebook and Instagram but nobody in person. This was nice. Not just to meet Liz, but the rest of the group of patients and caregivers. I also met Brooke, who was in the hospital with Liz for their SCT's at the same time. Somebody else about my age.

Through the meeting, Brandon wandered around with one of the other lady's that was there. She offered to take him for a walk and watch him for a while. He was going up to everybody basically and saying hello. Everybody seemed to love him, but what's not to love? Right? The end of the meeting I took over. I felt bad that she wasn't able to be a part of the meeting and really listen to anything. Even if she said it was no problem. The meeting lasted 2 hours and had a doctor that spoke about the maintenance drug Revlimid. Nothing else.

The end of the meeting I had some of the other attendees come up and introduce themselves to me. Everybody commented on how good Brandon was through the meeting also. That means a lot since I personally thought he was a bit much. We shall see about next time. Especially if Eric comes, which I think it would be good for him. As long as he doesn't have to work.

After the meeting I bet up with Eric's parents to get a few things for Brandon's birthday party. Then we got lunch and came back to the house so they could drop off a few things for when they are helping us this month when I go back to work. I can't thank them enough for helping us out this month. I know they are happy to spend time with Brandon, but it really helps us with everything they will be doing.

Now, today Brandon and I are having a lazy day. It rained a little this morning and now it's partly cloudy, windy and nice and cool out. Ready to continue the lazy day with Brandon.

Eric - My Husband, My Best Friend

4th of July 2016

February 15, 2011. That's the day I met Eric in person. For a few days before our first date we talked and got to know each other through e-mails and 3 hour conversations on the phone. Usually, when I would meet a guy for the first time, I am very shy and it takes me a while to warm up to them. With Eric it was different. We talked all through dinner. We knew the waiter was just doing his job with asking if we needed anything else and how we were doing, but we were bothered with all the interruptions. I won't bore you with all the same details over again from earlier in my posts, but basically, we didn't want to part.

Flash forward a few months and we almost broke up. Because I was going kind of crazy. I had mood swings up the wazoo. All from my birth control I was on, Depo Provera. I begged and fought and pleaded with Eric to give me another chance (since I was switching birth controls) and he gave in. It definitely helped. Changing birth controls that is. My mood swings changed and really were almost non existent. A few months later Eric moved in with me. I think it was the best thing since it helped up get to know each other even better and it proved we loved each other even more. We had small "fights" like any couple would, but we got into a groove and things went smoothly. We loved being around each other and spending time together. It made it easier with our different schedules too.

Love

Christmas of 2012 we talked and decided we wanted to get married. We made it official (engagement) that January and were married August 2, 2013. We had a familymoon before the wedding with his 3 boys and the rest of our families at Disneyland and California Adventure. Although, after the wedding we took small day trips to Lake Tahoe on my birthday 2 days later and to San Fransisco and Pacifica. We didn't have the typical vows using "lil death do you part" and "in sickness and in health". We knew that would be true. We just didn't think the sickness part would be so real and so soon.

 Family 4th

4th of July

The following February (2014) we decided to start trying for a baby. As I've said before, we got pregnant May 2014 and lost that one June 2014. Then, that September we found out we were again and lost that pregnancy at 12 weeks in November. That one was the toughest, for both of us, because we heard the heartbeat just 2 days before that appointment at home because a friend gave us a home heart monitor. Not only was it hard for us because of that, but a few days after we found no heartbeat, I started to have back labor. So intense I couldn't walk almost. Eric was so amazing. Even though he was scared, he kept as calm as he could. Ended up being that my cervix wasn't opening enough for the sac to come out. The doctors in the ER called for a OB doctor to come down and she got our baby out for us. Eric being the "geek" he is and fascinated by anything science/medical related, saw the sac with the placenta all attached to it in the cup. He was there with me the whole time. Rubbing my back, holding me, making sure I was as comfortable as can be. After we left the ER he got me whatever I wanted to eat/drink and got me home and comfortable. For the next few days after, he waited on me and helped me around since my back was still in spasm mode from the back labor.

"Say Anything"

With our last pregnancy, we were both excited but also nervous. Of course, Eric being the amazing man he is, he kept calm and never showed he was nervous or scared. Week 27 came and we were referred to a nephrologist. Eric thought nothing of it. He figured it was just precautionary. For me, I was worried something was wrong. But again, Eric kept calm. When I got that last blood test back and told him I googled what it meant and it was cancer, he still kept calm and told me that we didn't know and we will wait until we talk to the doctor. Of course, that day came and he was right there by my side as we heard the news that is was malignant and it was Multiple Myeloma. Eric had been across from me (I was on the exam table) and he moved to be right with me, holding me, trying to make sense of it all. All while I was crying. After we got the news, I had the bone marrow biopsy and Eric stood right there at my head holding my hand, stroking my head and talking to me to keep my mind off the pain. Again, his fascination for medicine/science came out and he watched the biopsy as he was comforting me.

Music

After that appointment he took me home, got me comfortable in bed to nap (which I couldn't) and he ran around getting my prescriptions and getting me ice cream and other treats of comfort. We were both worried about Brandon, but knew the doctors would do what they could to keep Brandon and myself safe. As the news sunk in over the next few days, Eric went into a deep depression and turned to alcohol. It was his way of coping with the news. He knew he had to be strong for me. But, once we were dealing with it all, he broke down. Eventually, he realized what was going on and contacted our family doctor for help. They talked and Eric ended up with a prescription for Zoloft, an antidepressant. As he started to take it, he stopped drinking. Zoloft had an unintended side effect for Eric. As long as he takes it, even a sip of alcohol makes him nauseous. So, Eric doesn't drink anymore. He likes the medicine and how it helps him process the world around him.  The medication helped him with his depression and helped us get ready for Brandon's arrival. I am so proud of him for realizing what was going on and what he needed.

Goofy guys

He is still on Zoloft, as it still helps him with his depression. Depression is real. You never know who it will affect. I never though Eric had it until we talked about it. Really talked about it. Now, we talk. Of course, being the caregiver through my transplant months was tough too. There were days he would forget to take his medicine. And it would affect him. There were days it got to him so much that he wanted to kill himself. But we would talk and he would realize that isn't the answer. Not only does he have depression, but he has Aspergers Syndrome.  He is on the Autism Spectrum. He grew up not knowing it. A few months after we got married, Eric was diagnosed. He doesn't think like the rest of us. He doesn't get most sarcasm. He is learning a little from me, but for him everything is straight forward. He takes things very literally. He doesn't take to people attacking the ones he loves and will lash out. He doesn't take to people lashing out at him. It scares him. It makes it where he feels he can't trust that person. To him, relationships are everything. This I love about him. His relationships with others mean so much and when those people he thought were his friends or cared for him lash out at him, he backs away. He shuts down. He needs a world where people can talk to him if there is an issue. Not pretend that something was not said or done. Not yell. Not lash out and say hurtful things. I used to be one of those people until we talked and he told me what he needed. Until he told me how it hurts him and scares him. Everything Eric has had to deal with, with being a caregiver for me and for Brandon, it's rough on somebody not only with depression, but also with Aspergers Syndrome.

Ugly Chair

I married Eric because even though I didn't fully understand him, I knew I loved him. I knew that his quirkiness I loved. He cares deeply. He loves deeply. He is passionate about so much in his world. From plants, to science, politics (which I don't get all of that), lately sports cards he is collecting for Brandon. He is learning about all these different players so he can tell Brandon about them when he is older. He loves music. I love that he plays guitar and wants to and try now, to teach Brandon. We both can see that Brandon has a musical side to him. What instrument it will be, we are not sure, but leaning towards drums right now. Eric can do anything he puts his mind and effort to. All things I love so much about him. I couldn't imagine having any other man by my side through this time. Through the cancer diagnosis. Through the treatment. Knowing it will come back. He is here by my side and he's not leaving. He's sticking to the "in sickness and in health, oil death do us part".

4th of July

Eric is a genuine, loving, funny, passionate, caring man. Anybody who meets him needs to take the time to get to know him. He is a wealth of knowledge and plain amazing to be around. And he cares and protects his loved ones like a lion protecting his family.

A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

Things I'm Going To Miss

Well, it has happened. It's getting too close but weighing all options this is the best thing for the time being. I am going to ask my doctor for a note saying I am released to work without restrictions. If I don't do this, I will lose our benefits. By benefits, I mean all medical, dental and vision. I NEED my medical at least. As we all know why. I have an ongoing medical issue that makes it where I need to keep medical.

This has been the hardest decision I have had to make. I have been so used to being home with Brandon since he was born almost a year ago, that all my daytime snuggles will be greatly missed. I am sure I will cry some my first day back. Ok, maybe not just some, but a lot. The longest I have been away from him was when I was in the hospital, but he was able to visit. He can't visit me while I am at work.

I'm not sure of my first day back. I just e-mailed my doctor and he is out of the office until the 26th. That's a long time. At least for me it is. I don't believe that any other doctor can write the note either. So, I obviously have my worries. Mainly that I will have a lapse in benefits and will have to skip October. So much I need to figure out. Just adds to the stress of it all.

One thing we have set is that my mother and father in law have said they are willing to help us out by watching Brandon while we are at work. One thing to help calm some of my stress. And, I know I would get pictures of Brandon while I am at work from them, and Eric. I'm just hoping that I won't have to work until really late. That I am off at a decent time. I already have an hour drive to and from work. That adds two hours to my ten hour day. It would be so much easier if I had been able to get another job already, but it is a long process.

I think what's making going back to work the hardest is missing Brandon growing up. I know I get three days off a week, but that's only three out of seven that I can be home with him. How do you other moms do it? How do you go back to work with a little one at home? I can't help but think of all the "what if's" and what I'll be missing. I won't miss him rolling over, crawling, first steps or first word. But I'll miss other words of his. Ugh! why is it so hard?

Enough rambling. I am sitting here with a little quiet time while Brandon naps in his pack n play and Kahlua, my fur baby, sleeps on the couch. Now, to try to do a little crafting while I have this quiet/calm time.

Fur baby

Day +100

Day +100 large cupcake

Today is that day. Today is day +100 after transplant. I made it! Without getting sick or having to be readmitted into the hospital. I had a lot of weak and sluggish days. Days when, if I didn't have Brandon, I would have spent the day in bed. Eric and Brandon are my why. They are my why I keep fighting so hard against this evil trespasser. They keep me going. Having their love and seeing the smile on Brandon's face when he wakes up and see's me is priceless.

Bedhead morning 

What is the significance of day +100? Basically, the main issue is that the body, in general, needs time to get back to an equilibrium after a transplant. It takes time for the reinfused stem cells to settle back into the bone marrow, spread, and get back to producing blood cells at a normal level. The body also needs time to work off the side effects of the high-dose chemo prior to the transplant. The immune system, as it is being reformed, also is getting back to fighting whatever myeloma cells are left in the body, not to mention any infections which may have occurred.

"Moms #MCM" before leaving for treatment

That being said, my last lab work looks really good. Everything is in the normal limits. I haven't been sick or had any infections. And other than my back pain and sometime achy pain in my hands and joints, I feel amazing. Of course, I am still on chemo. It's a maintenance chemo. Maintenance chemo is to avoid or slow the cancer's return if the cancer is in complete remission after initial treatment. Being in "complete remission" means doctors cannot find cancer and you have no symptoms. Maintenance therapy can help keep the cancer from coming back.

Vein finder at treatment

With all of that being said. Today is a big day. We celebrated by me having my maintenance chemo this morning. Going to lunch with my mother and father in law. Then to Toys R Us with Nanny and grandpa Hoover so Brandon could play with different toys to see what they could get him for his birthday coming up and also for Christmas. He had a blast playing with all the different toys we found. Especially the toy (big ride in) cars and the toys that make sounds. Some we could barely pry him away from. Luckily, we have such a laid back little boy that he didn't throw any tantrums or cry when we pulled him away from the toys. He just went on to the next item to look/play with.

Happy at lunchtime

I know the day is not over yet, but we are having a relaxing day just napping and relaxing. I believe a walk is in order later in the nice cool crisp air. Today has been perfect for my day +100. I am not into the throw a huge bash and party all night. Never really have been. Spending it with my men are perfect.

Day +91

Today was day +91. I have 10 more days left in my first 100 days after transplant. My immune system will be better. Not perfect, but much better. I will be able to be around larger groups of confined people. I'll be able to go to birthday parties and see friends even when they are sick. I'll probably still be careful with that last one though.

Happy boy

Since last I wrote, I have been putting in job applications like crazy and basically waiting to see if my department has found a spot for me yet. It's all a waiting game. I need to send in my college transcripts to add to that. So the people up in the exams unit can verify if I qualify for the spot I am trying to get. While all of that is going on, about once a week, I go through and apply for positions I can lateral transfer to. Most I can do right through the internet, some I have to physically print out and mail. Most recent is in the mail now. I think I must have applied for 40 or more jobs since the beginning of July. Of course, nobody lets you know if you are picked or not. You are left to assume you weren't picked when you don't hear anything.

Love how he looks at me

In the meantime, I spend my days playing with Brandon and attempting to nap with him while I still can. Although, while he naps, I end up cleaning, watching tv or looking for jobs. It's tough to do any of that while he's awake these days. He moves around and gets into everything. I mean EVERYTHING. Tonight I moved all of the glass grocery items from the very bottom shelves of our makeshift pantry (which I moved a month or two ago from the second shelf up to the bottom) to the very top shelves and put all his baby food on that bottom shelf. That he can play with. That won't break. We finally had to do that because he was playing with the Franks Red Hot glass bottle and picked it up and dropped it and it broke. Although, he did very well. As soon as it happened, he moved away, quickly. I think I even heard an "uh oh" after it happened and he moved away. A lot of kids his age would probably try to play in it. He didn't. We are very proud of him for that.

My nights usually consist of bathing (every few nights) him, playing with him in his room and getting him in his pajamas, then moving to our room to feed him, put on YouTube to watch our friend we call his Uncle Polli on there, and then I put on a lullaby. He will usually fall asleep by about 9 or 9:30. Although, he then wakes up when Eric gets home because he wants to have his daddy time. I don't blame him. I'd want that also. But then he is up until 2am! This kid is so much like his father with sleep. He is a night owl. He will stay up until all hours of the night and sleep in until 11am or noon. But, I personally, and Eric agrees, that needs to stop. Especially for when I go back to work. I will most likely be working "normal" (that's in quotations because my "normal" has always been shift work) hours and will need to get to sleep at a decent time myself.

How does one get back on a regular "normal" routine when they have been off for a year and were up late (sometimes until 1 or 2am or later) and slept in as much as they could? I am finding it difficult. Eric and I have decided to at least try to always be up by 9am. That's mainly for him. He starts work at 3pm usually. So, he could technically sleep in. But, we need to get Brandon on a better schedule, so, we are making plans. We just need to put them in place. As it is, it's after 11pm now. And I am wide awake. Amazingly honestly since I only got four hours of sleep last night. Brandon just wouldn't go to bed and then amazingly, woke up early. Let's hope tonight is better.

Morning coffee pick me up while Brandon plays

Being a parent is definitely a full time job. A full time job where you need to try to schedule with your other half a little alone time. My scheduled alone time has been interrupted lately by Brandon. He has been teething and has been needy of mommy. Me. I'm mommy. That usually means for me that I am getting out of the bath tub from a nice warm to hot soak for my achey body earlier than expected. Tonight was nice though. Eric gave Brandon a bath while I was in the bath. I also enjoyed a glass of wine while in the tub. I can't remember the last time that happened. Probably before I was pregnant. So, that would be over 1 1/2 years ago. Most likely in January or early February of 2015. A little before I was pregnant and MONTHS before I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma. Really, this time around I haven't had a glass of wine (full one not the little ones you get when you go tasting) since early March before Stanford to start getting ready for my transplant. Tonight was the first night I had a glass of wine in 6 months. It was nice to enjoy one. I can't do it all the time though. It'd be a waste. While Eric's at work at least. A glass of wine is a great way to wind down and relax. Getting Brandon to sleep alone is a marathon. It's a workout. And not a glass of wine worthy. Maybe once he's asleep, but then that means going back downstairs and I'm too lazy, and achey, to do that.

Soak and a glass of wine

Now, to attempt to get a little sleep before Brandon wakes up. He wakes up at least once in the night now that we put real pajamas on him and not just a onesie. Like the pajamas keep him more comfortable. Well, if anything, we saved a little money for a while there. He seemed to be too warm in pajamas. Maybe it was just because our room at Stanford was really warm. Who knows. All I care is that he wakes up at least one time. Not 10 times, now. So, good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite!

What Multiple Myeloma Has Taken From Me

Lately I've been thinking a lot. I try not to be negative because it just brings me down and can bring others down. Nobody wants to be down or sad. But today I'm writing about the honest truth. Last week I reposted on Facebook something I saw. It says "Multiple Myeloma the Thief It steals your body, your energy, your health, your family, your friends and the person you used to be!" I believe most of that is true.

Multiple Myeloma has stolen my body. I am poked and prodded every other week. Before my transplant it was every week and the 2 weeks after my transplant it was every day. Sometimes twice a day. Because I had to go through high doses of chemotherapy the month before and a few days before my transplant, MM took my hair. Not just on the top of my head, it took my eyebrow hair, eyelashes, arm and leg hairs (I really don't mind the leg hairs because I don't have to shave all summer), and everywhere else. I was transformed into somebody people wouldn't recognize if they hadn't seen pictures of me through the whole process.

MM has stolen my energy. It really has. There are a lot of times, days, when it's tough to keep up with Brandon. Luckily those days Eric is home and he helps out a lot. Sometimes though, it happens when Eric has to work. Those days are the days I drink a lot of caffeine and just hope for the best. With Brandon crawling and walking all over the place these days, I can sit and watch him from my chair or lay on the floor in his room and let him crawl and play around in there. Where it gets tough is if I don't have the energy to pick him up. That happened tonight. When it was time to come up stairs. We are very lucky that he seems to be an independent child when he needs to be and he climbed the stairs and crawled into his room for me. We could have stayed down stairs until Eric got home from work, but that wouldn't be until maybe around 11pm. Brandon would be, hopefully and it's true, asleep and out cold by then. I would still have low energy.

My health. MM has definitely taken my health. It has taken in by taking my bones and now joints. Because of the compression fractures, there is only so much I can do and my bones ache. Not to mention that around two months after transplant, if you had any sports injuries or other injuries that affect your joints, those will start to inflame. So, my right elbow and knees have been aching and hurting like crazy. After getting my Zometa IV last week they have died down a little, but I am sure it will start to hurt again once it gets closer to the next time I get the Zometa. That's only once a month.

MM hasn't really taken my family or friends. Maybe it has in the ones that I don't ever hear from or talk to anymore, but that really isn't many. If anything, I have gained MORE friends and I hear from family a lot more. It has made me closer to my mother and father in law also. They helped us out so much through the almost year come November of treatment once a month while I had my "long" days with both chemo and Zometa, then they dropped everything to help us out at Stanford in May and for a week and a half in June. My dad came up to help also in June. Luckily we were only there, well I was only there, for 2 1/2 weeks. And I think that's only because I was hospitalized for a week. I've made many new friends through the MM groups on Facebook I am a part of and also from Eric's work. I may not have met all of these people, but I believe one day I will. Maybe not this year or next, but one day.

The biggest thing MM has taken is definitely who I used to be. I used to be adventurous. Spontaneous at times. Now, and Eric had to point it out to me yesterday, I am kind of bland. Just do what is planned and that is all. You see, we were getting on the freeway here in town to go into the next town to go to Barnes & Noble and then something for dinner. As we were on the onramp Eric saw not one but two dildo vibrators on the side of the road. Usually, I would have been all for turning around and going back to make sure that's what they were and yesterday I was the dud. I just wanted to keep on going. Do as planned. It kind of took the wind out of Eric's sails yesterday, and I hate that. All I can think of that's making me be that way is being a mom with cancer. Usually you hear of people who have cancer doing crazy and exciting things. I think I would if I didn't have Brandon. I want to be here for him and so I am a lot more careful. But, after that realization last yesterday, I am going to make every effort to change this one. Well, not have it be so drastic. I am not allowed to do my hard Beachbody workouts. So it has taken that away from me.

After writing this post, I've decided I am going to change what I can. It won't be all of it, but I know I can change some of it. I may have MM, but MM doesn't have me.