Day +53 - A Bunch Of Randoms

Todays post is just a bunch of random thoughts or things going on. Like I keep saying, my doctors still think I am doing really well and I haven't had any set backs at all. One good thing? I only have to take one of my pills, Bactrim for another 6 days. I had to take that medication from day +30 through to day +60. There is an infection that can occur after a transplant between those days. So, in order to keep ahead of it, I had to take the Bactrim as a precaution. No big deal. I already had the medication from back when I was first diagnosed and was pregnant. It doesn't give me any side affects, so I had no problem taking it. Especially since the dose I had was a big one. I got to cut the pill in half and take that twice a day.

A look at the out of control eyebrows...and the cutie...a few days ago

Something a little funny here. Brandon has gotten into this really weird and silly habit the last two months or so. It's odd, strange and funny a little all at the same time. He doesn't understand me yet when I say "You can pick your friends. You can pick your nose. But you can't pick your friends nose". In this case, I change "friends" to "mama's". You can probably tell where this is going already. But here's the backstory, sort of. When I feed him or hold him to help him get to sleep, he likes to touch my face. He will touch my eyes, mouth, ears, cheeks, and of course nose. I don't mind him touching my face. He's pretty gentle and he's learning. He's learning what's on people's faces. But, now, he's sticking his finger up my nose and moving it around. How do you tell a 9 month old not to do that other than saying "no", pulling his finger out and moving away? To me, it's funny, but at the same time disgusting. He shouldn't pick other people's noses. So, that's something we need to work on with him.

Snatched my Pop Tart the other day

Another pretty cool thing is that my hair is growing back. Well, starting to grow back. Slowly. I did start taking Hair, Skin, Nails from It Works. A fellow MM fighter and new friend used it and her hair grew back faster in a month. So, I'm excited to see what mine does. So far, just from feeling it (yep, I rub my head to feel my hair), it feels like peach fuzz. It's soft and you can barely see it, but it's there. I will say, it's nice not having hair right now. With the weather being as hot as it is, it's nice to have no hair. Or at least almost no hair. I remember when I have hair it's always pulled up in a bun or pony tail in the summer because of how hot it gets. Today alone was about 108*. Way too hot for me. I'm good keeping it in the 60's and 70's. This 100+ degree heat is horrible. But, I will be happy when I have hair again also. Especially with winter coming. So, in the next few weeks I will be posting my hair pictures. Well, when it's been a month of taking the pills. The hairs that are growing back the fastest are my eyebrows and unfortunately, my chin. Come on girls. You know you get hairs there too. Some people are lucky enough to pluck it. Others, like me, have to have it threaded. Same with my eyebrows. I'm not ready to go have my eyebrows done, but I know I should since they are looking pretty bad.

My world, daddy's home from work

The only thing that's been annoying is the fact that since my transplant and almost immediately after it, my skin is very dry. I am constantly having to put lotion on. I have Cetaphil that Stanford gave me. But I also use my Perfectly Posh Fresh Creamy Milk stuff. It's definitely hydrating. I'll alternate with those two lotions/body butter. For my face, because it gets so dry it flakes, I use several different Perfectly Posh items. They all work and all are different consistencies. So I use certain ones at certain times of the day. I'll be happy when the dryness gets under control. It's tough keeping up with it and I feel like I need to bring all the different lotions with me when I go out. Mainly for my face. I can use regular hand creme for the rest of the day. But my face. It's the flakiness that drives me nuts!

So, there are updates of randomness for you. Some a little funny, some exciting, some annoying. But, that is life. Now, off to bed for me.

My little man before his message below

Here's a little message from Brandon. He wanted to write too:

,.,,,,m/     /////l///kll++l ;................fffff

Good night world!

Day +50 - Half Way There

Today was day +50. That means I am half way through the 100 days. I didn't do too much today. It was a normal day. Except, I did go get a treat I've been wanting. Originally I was thinking of getting a cupcake from a place called Icing On the Cupcake that's not far away. Then, I decided that should be for my 100 days celebration. So, I opted to stick in town. I ran a few errands, then the last stop was the treat.

The weather was about 108* today. Give or take a few degrees really. Either way, it was scorching hot. Too hot for me. So, I went for frozen yogurt. Even though the new place in town (which will remain nameless) is closer, I have had bad service there the few times I've gone for us. So, I went to my favorite place. Homespun Yogurt. I personally think they have more of a selection in their flavors. Their employees are courteous and always happy. Always willing to help. I ended up with one of my old favorites, coconut and added in some orange tropical sorbet flavor also. Great choice! I took it home and enjoyed it in the air conditioning. With Brandon. Yes, I let him have a little bit.

Me and my Froyo! 

You see, I haven't had frozen yogurt in a while because it was one thing on the "no no" list for my special diet. Well, I'd be able to have stuff from the grocery store ice cream aisle, but not the good stuff from the stores. The more fresh stuff I guess you can say. So, today was a great treat. And it hit the spot. I was happy I decided to switch it up from cupcakes to frozen yogurt. When I hot the 100 days, cupcakes will be better because it shouldn't be as hot as it is now and they seem a lot better for a 100 day anniversary.

I didn't make anything special for dinner. I had some of my left overs from Olive Garden and some lemonade. It really was a regular day for the half way mark. Why celebrate too much now when you can celebrate a lot more later? I'm still feeling great. No nausea in the last week or so and my energy is slowly getting better. It better because I am sure Brandon is going to be walking here in the next few weeks. Hopefully he does it before I go back to work. Now, I sit here in bed, waiting for Eric to get home from work, watching Criminal Minds on Netflix and listening to Brandon sleep in his crib next to me. I also hear the noise machine for him, but it works to keep him sleeping, so I will take it. The evening is winding down and I will probably play a little sudoku here in a little bit before heading off to sleepy land.

Thank you for enduring the first 50 days after transplant with me. Here's to the next 50 (toasting with my lemonade)!

Day +48 - First Sit Down Restaurant Outing

On day +31 I was able to eat out. I didn't have anymore restrictions. It was nice knowing I didn't have anymore restrictions, but at the same time, I didn't feel like eating out. Probably because at that point it had only been a month since I had had my transplant and I was still getting my appetite back. Honestly, it's still not back, but it's much better.

Since the restriction ban was lifted, we have had fast food. I've had a burger from Carls Jr, chicken sandwich from Jack In the Box, chicken nuggets from McDonalds, those amazing carne aside fries from Adalbertos, and of course Taco Bell. As you can see, my stomach does well with those. And, if it does well with those, then a restaurant should be ok. So, today, we met up with Eric's parents. Well, Brandon and I did. Eric was exhausted and rightfully so. He's been working a lot lately. Honestly, I can't remember the last time he had a day off. So, he stayed home to rest. I ran and picked up my prescriptions and then Brandon and I met Eric's parents at Olive Garden.

I love Olive Garden. I was hoping that going there, getting what I usually get, wasn't going to be disappointing. In June, at my last appointment in the Infusion Treatment Center at Stanford, my NP told us that we should wait to go to our favorite place since my taste buds are a bit off.  She said that it could take a month or two until they got back to or close to normal. So, I was nervous going to Olive Garden. But, luckily, everything tasted as I remembered. The salad, the bread sticks and my build your own pasta of Cavatappi with Garlic Alfredo and chicken. My own little "fettuccini" alfredo with chicken. So yummy. So creamy. Of course, you have to get the extra cheese. And LOTS of it! I missed their salad and breadsticks. We have their dressing at home, but it's not the same as when you get it there in the restaurant.

It was great to be able to eat out. At a restaurant when it's not fast food. We don't do it all the time. In fact, the next time will probably be in early August for out anniversary and my birthday all rolled into one. Restaurant of choice at that time? Probably Buca di Bepo. As you can see, I love Italian food. I also love Mexican, but Italian seems to be the way to go right now. We are not sure yet when we will celebrate those two events, but it will most likely be family and maybe a few friends for this dinner. At Buca, if you've never been, it's family style. You order a few items and everybody eats it. I love this way. You usually have left overs too. Which, I love from Buca.

Well, now I'm just rambling about food. Maybe I'm a little hungry. Even if I am, I'm not eating now. Since it is after midnight. Oh! And it's after midnight because little mister man decided to wake up and is now having a party in his crib and doesn't want to go to sleep. Even with the noise machine. I also tried our other sleep aides of Jack Johnson and then lullaby on You Tube. Not working tonight. So, it is crying in his crib for a little bit to get him tired out. It'll work. I've had to do it before. I hate it, but I will do it if it means he will eventually be going to sleep. So, here, I sit, fishing this blog listening to a fussy baby. Fussy because his cries right now are very fake. I'll wake for 10 minutes of full crying. Well, I'll let you all go for now. Posts are getting further apart because I don't have much new to write about. Chat with you all later!

Weight Loss

Its no secret that I've lost weight. Quite a bit actually. It started back in June 2014 when I started my Beachbody workouts. I love those workouts. Through that summer, 10 weeks really, I lost 10 pounds. All from eating healthier and working out. I got pregnant pretty quick after those 10 weeks were over and slacked a bit on my workouts. Basically, laziness and also because I had horrible morning sickness. Then by the time I got home from work I was exhausted. When we lost that pregnancy, I didn't do any workouts until around New Years. The reason for that was because I did something to my back from the back labor I had with that miscarriage. I got back to the workouts and in a month I lost another 5 pounds. I was feeling healthy again. Then, a month after that, we found out we were pregnant again. This time I decided to keep working out. No matter what. It's not just good for me, but also for the baby. 

Just because...you can see we have the same eye color in this picture.

Through my whole pregnancy and even after my MM diagnosis, I only gained a total of 10 pounds. Even with not being able to workout except to walk when I got my diagnosis. After having Brandon, I was able to drop back down to my pre-pregnancy weight within a week. I attribute it to the working out I did and keeping healthy through my pregnancy. Even once I was only allowed to walk. I pretty much held that weight until now. Well, until after my transplant. 

I know it's not the healthiest way, but after my transplant, I have lost 9 pounds in 1 1/2 months. The majority of it was from that week I was hospitalized. Due to the mucusitis I had, I couldn't eat or drink much. At least for fluid wise, I was hooked up to an IV constantly. Food was really hard. I either wouldn't eat or would have popsicles or ice cream. Something cold and easy to go down my throat. I don't know exactly how much I lost that week, but I'm sure it was at least 5 pounds. Since being home, I've lost another 4. I don't mean to rub any of this in. Because honestly, this is not the healthiest way to be doing this. I just couldn't help it. I am finally getting ahold of the eating again. I still can't eat as much as I used to, but I am slowly getting to bigger portions. The doctors and nurses told us this would happen too. That most everybody who goes through a transplant will end up having a smaller appetite. Get full faster. Which I definitely do. Let's put it this way. If we go to Taco Bell, I used to get a meal. Usually something like a taco and nachos or something. Now, I get maybe a burrito. Even that I can't finish all of. Maybe because of the tortilla. Who knows. I will say this though, my sweet tooth is really bad now. I can eat sweets all day if I could' But I know it's not good for me, so I don't. 

Where all of this is going is, I ended up going shopping for clothes in my own closet. I guess it's good I keep old clothes. Honestly, mainly my old jeans. They were somewhat expensive. So of course I'm going to keep them if there is a chance I might get motivated to get healthy again. I went through a stack of jeans. Probably about 20 pair or so. I have a huge stack of ones I am keeping and will wear. Two of those pairs I will definitely wear now since they are capris and it's hot out. I had a small stack of ones that are 1 size too big but they stay up, so I will be cutting them and making them into shorts. Then, there was a stack of 2 that are still too small for me. I'm tossing a pair that fit though because they have holes in them. In not the best spot. Guess I wore that pair a lot. This is the "shopping" I like to do. I'm not your typical girl that likes to go shopping. I will online shop before I go into a store to shop. Unless it's Target. I'll go into Target any day any time. Even if I don't need anything. I will go there to get my walking workout in. I got Eric hooked on that store and Brandon has been to Target a few times a week since he was born. He knows Target. 

All the loot from "shopping" in my closet!

So, now that I am down to my goal weight I had in mind for my workout days, I need to figure a way to stay there. I can't do my Beachbody workouts right now, and maybe for a few years if ever. Walking is good, but not at my pace. It's kind of slow now. Maybe it'll pick up as my back gets better. There's always swimming, but I need to find a place that's not too expensive to be able to go do laps. Everything is up in the air. At least until I get back to work. Until then, I will do what I can to stay here at my healthy weight and be happy with who I am. I used to think being thin was what I needed. Now, it's being healthy and feeling comfortable in my own skin. That's where I am now. And I'll take it. If I gain a few pounds, I gain a few pounds. I'm in the range I want to be in. 

Day +44 - Started Maintenance Chemo

Today I started my maintenance chemo. I was given the choice 2 weeks ago of either a pill everyday or the Velcade shot every two weeks. I'm not very good at taking pills. I gag. Even though I've been taking them for almost a year now. I just can't seem to get used to them. So, I obviously didn't pick the pill everyday. I went for the Velcade shot. One time a week every two weeks.

I was on Velcade before my transplant. Actually, from November through April I'd go in every Wednesday for my shot. So, I knew it would work for me. It didn't really make me sick either after I got used to it. And, honestly, me getting sick could have been the Dexamethasone chemo pills I had to take every Wednesday before going in for my treatment. This time, I'm not taking Dex. Kind of nice.

Today the appointment was late morning. We got there and Eric dropped me off because we were running late. I went upstairs and got checked in and was called back before he got to the waiting room. His parents were already there also since they were going to hang out with Brandon while Eric came and sat back with me for treatment. I got to talk to them for a few minutes before getting called back and got set up. Eric wasn't that far behind and was there with me before my IV was started. Now, we learned something new today. I knew that you shouldn't cross your legs while having your blood pressure taken. It messes with it and usually causes it to read higher. What I didn't know was that you shouldn't cross your legs when having an IV started. The reason for that is blood flow. Learning something new every day.

Getting ready to go to maintenance chemo day one

The nurse, whom I'd never had before, started my IV, but not before it took her a little bit to get my veins. The problem was because I hadn't been drinking as much water as I should have been like before. I even forgot my water bottle at home. The one I usually brought with me before. So, we tried pumping and tried heat. Finally, she brought out the vein finder. I'll tell ya, that thing is amazing! The light shines on you and it shows where the veins are. Kind of like if you were to look into somebody house with their lights on and shade closed. It was a shadow of my veins. Pretty cool. But, now I realize I need to drink more water starting at least the day before I get Zometa. I heard also if you drink ice water over room temperature water, it helps plump the veins even more.

So, Zometa was started. That takes about 15 minutes. Then, my nurse came over with my Velcade shot. That's quick and easy. A shot in my tummy and we are all good. Through all of this, Eric and I got to talk to some of our nurse friends we hadn't seen in a while. I had "checked-in" on Facebook at Oncology department and Jessica saw and came to look for us. Then, Kellie came over to talk to us also. It was so nice to be able to talk to them. Especially Jessica since she will be going out soon to get ready for her baby coming. Of course, we talked about Brandon and her baby to be and her daughter. They, the nurses there, make us feel important. Like we are family. It reminds me of how I dispatch. My officers are my family. At Kaiser Roseville Oncology, the nurses really take the time to get to know you. To talk to you. To become your family. You are there enough, they really are your second family. I don't know any other way to explain it.

I was done and Jessica went back to work. All I had going through the IV now was regular old saline. Eric and I were sitting there longer than usual. We ended up getting forgotten about. But, I said something and got disconnected and we were free to go. Even with getting forgotten about, it was so good to be back at Kaiser Roseville Oncology infusion center. Back to our family. Stanford was great. But they were the really good friend we went to visit for a little while. And they sent us back to our family.

That was my first day of maintenance chemo in a nutshell. Easy. Relaxing. Happy. Odd to be happy about chemo, but it's who you are with and around that make it that way. Now, I am off to bed. I need to get some sleep. As Jessica, Eric and I were talking about, I need my rest still. I am still healing. Recuperating really, from my transplant. And some days my body really tells me by almost shutting down. When I overdo it. Today, I didn't overdo it. Today, chemo day, was a good day!

Does it really end at birth?

Does it really end at birth? You may know what I'm talking about. You know, it starts off cute with a little kick here and a little kick there in your tummy. As your baby grows, the kicks get harder but still, cute. Then, near the end of pregnancy it's a foot in your ribs. Or an elbow, a hand, knee. And you're wishing it would stop.

I'm here to say, at least for me, no! It doesn't stop there. My baby is now 9 months old and I STILL get kicked in the ribs. I gave birth to him 5 weeks early due to a cancer diagnosis with compression fractures in my lumbar and T12 spine. I ended up having to have to c-section because of those fractures. Up until he was coming out, I had a foot in my ribs. And boy, did it hurt. When he was first born, it really wasn't that bad. There was probably a 3 month hiatus of being kicked in the ribs. Then, it started again. He's a mover. He tosses and turns, like I do, in his sleep. But he sleeps hard like his daddy. How do I know this? We are the parents who decided to co-sleep. I'm a very light sleeper, so I felt ok doing it. He slept a lot better and longer at night doing so. He's now in his crib for most of the night. Maybe until at least 6am. Then he's back in bed with us and kicking. Really, it's only me he seems to kick too. It seems moms get kicked. Whys that?

It doesn't seem to stop when he's awake either. I can be holding him during the day and I am getting kicked and walked on. Always on my ribs or stomach. If I lay on the floor and play with him, I am his jungle gym. He will climb over me back and forth for hours if I let him. Not to mention, he likes to try to use my head as a step stool if it's near the glider chair in his room. He starts at my stomach, through the ribs and to the head. It's at the point I won't lay near anything he may want to try climbing up.

I know the kicking won't end anytime soon either. I have friends who have children older than mine and they've had it happen through the older years. You know, they get scared and want to come sleep with mommy and daddy. Next thing you know the bed is a battle zone. A foot or knee in your ribs with a fist or hand to the face. It's amazing we don't come out of these nights bruised and battered. I guess the only time it may end is once they don't want to sleep in bed with us anymore. But at what age is that?

This isn't a complaining post, as much as an enlightening. We all thought, well at least I thought, it would end after we gave birth, but it doesn't. It keeps going. For years even. And, since I waited so long to have a baby and since I won't be able to have anymore, I will take it. I may get annoyed and wish it would stop in that moment, but then once it ends, it ends. And I know there are some women out there who don't get to feel that feeling. I will soak it all in for now. I'll take the pain, if it's making him happy. I'll gladly sleep next to his moving little body flailing around and I will be his jungle gym. Because it makes him happy. Just know, it doesn't end at birth.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

Let's start off with this...I can not sing. I can not carry a tune what so ever. But, I will do anything for my little munchkin if he likes it. 

Happy boy to mama's singing

Since Brandon was born, I have sang "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" to him. It's the only nursery rhyme I've sung. Part because I don't really remember a lot of the others and part because a lot of the others are kind of scary. Cradles falling, Humpty Dumpty falling, etc, etc. So, I sing Twinkle Twinkle. In times of need it has helped him fall asleep. Lately though. Lately it is something entirely different. And it melts my heart. Especially when I did it last night. 

For the last two weeks or so, when I sing it to him, he gets a huge, and I mean HUGE, smile on his face. Then, he will come over to me and love on me. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Just to see my sweet boy giving so much love like that. Well, last night, after he decided to get up at 10:00pm after a two hour "nap" and play for the next 5 hours (everything we were trying wasn't working), I sung that song to him. Now, here's the heart melting happiness. As usual, he crawled over to me, grabbed onto my legs and stood himself up. I kept singing. Before it was even done, he opened his mouth and came in and gave me probably the longest best baby kiss ever along with a hug. Swoon!

That one little act made my heart skip a beat, my heart melted and how can you be sad or upset at anything at that point? Really? How can you? There was no prompting. Nothing. After it happened to me, Eric decided to try it out. He too got the same response. Kinda made me a little sad that he's just doling out hugs and kisses over our song together to anybody who sings it to him, but at the same time, it shows what a tender loving heart my sweet boy has. 

I decided to try again tonight. I got the excited happy faces. I got the crawl over, stand up and a hug. But no kiss this time. Probably because he was handing out kisses to me earlier today at my follow up appointment at Stanford (which, I'm still doing amazing my doctor said). He even gave me kisses with my "Darth Vader/Bane" mask on. I was able to get a video of him doing his happy crawl and smile tonight. Along with a few pictures. So, don't mind the singing. My little man loves it, and that's all that matters right now. 

Day +34 - Hair

Hair. We all have it. A lot of us take it for granted. I know I did, until 5 years ago when my friend Kristy was diagnosed with breast cancer and ended up losing hers from the chemo. Never did I ever think I would be right there where she was, 5 years later. But, I was. I am. Honestly, it's only hair. It'll grow back. Right? Well, it's true. It will. But honestly, maybe not as fast as some of us would like.

I know for a fact, I am at the point right now that I wish it would happen faster. Being a mommy to a demanding infant who's on the move is not easy. As much as I love being home with him, I also can't wait to get back to working so I can actually shower every day. You read that right. I don't get a shower every day. Usually I am taking care of Brandon and the dogs all day, that I get put on the way side while Eric is at work. Today. Today alone, I realized I hadn't showered since 4th of July. Yep, It had been almost a whole week. I will admit that. Well, I did get a bath a few days ago. But that's not a scrubbing my whole body kind of bath. For me, I love to soak in the tub. To relax. So, when Eric got home today from doing the recycling, I told him he needed to take Brandon so I could shower.

My Jams to help make me feel "girly" for now

After my shower I was ready to take Brandon back and play with him, after he woke up from his nap. It's what I do. But, Eric told me to go get some rest. I couldn't sleep, so, I took a mental break. Also, a "girly" break. Yes, I need those sometimes. Especially right now. Having no hair, or almost no hair, really thinned out eyebrows and almost no eyelashes, there isn't much I can do to make myself feel pretty. Basically, right now at this stage, I feel ugly. So, to help myself feel a little pretty, I did my nails. Probably the 3rd time since 4th of July I've done them. Doing my nails is one way I can feel girly and pretty. Especially since I have no hair. I love my wigs too. The two I have so far, but I can only wear them for a few hours before they make my head really itchy. It's that netting inside. The part that shapes to your head.

Doing my make-up is kind of out right now. Mainly because I don't really have any eyelashes. It's not easy to curl them nor put on mascara. And I'm not the kind of girl to wear false lashes. They feel too weird on. Actually, they make my eyelid feel heavy. For me, for years, the only make-up I would wear was mascara. That's my go to. What I always put on. But right now I can't. And I feel like "why wear any make up if I can't wear mascara?" So, I wait until my lashes grow back. I have a feeling it's going to take a while.

Can't see it very well, there are hairs growing in!!!

On a good note, I've noticed that my hair is starting to slowly grow back. I have some spots that it never went away. But, I have these little fuzzy spots where new hair is growing in. That's exciting! I can't wait to see what my hair does coming back. I'm sure it's going to come back the same way it was before. I'm the "plain Jane" kind of girl. But, it'll be interesting to see if it comes back curly or wavy. Or maybe a different color. One thing I do know is, I don't think I will dye my hair. At least for a very long time. I want my natural hair to shine through. It'll be my badge of honor. I lost it, then it came back and is soft and silky and shiny...hopefully!

I know this is kind of a vain post. It's not like me. But it is how I feel. Not being able to look that girly lately has had me down and feeling ugly. A lot of times, I do put on a front that I am ok when deep down I may be hurting or suffering some kind of depression. Crazy to think, it's over something so vain. Something I've never really cared about before. And it's taking a lot longer than I would like right now to have certain things come back. Eyelashes, hair, eyebrows, etc. I have to keep reminding myself, "It's only been a month." "It's going to take some time." It's true, it will. But I think I am allowed to have these little spurts where I feel down. I don't have to be happy all the time. I think then that really shows there is something wrong with me. Nobody is always happy.

Day +33 - 3 Days With No Special Diet

Day +33. I am 33 days old today. Feeling a little better each day. Getting closer and closer to being myself. Many people have asked me what I had as my first meal not on the low microbial diet. It wasn't so much a meal, as it was a sandwich. Or, really, a burger. I was able to have homemade hamburgers while on the diet, but I was craving a few days ago a Sourdough Jack burger from Jack In the Box. Here's something about those and me...I don't EVER eat those. I had one maybe 10 years ago and it was too greasy for me. But, for some reason, I was craving it. So, Eric brought one home for me on the way home from work. And let me tell ya, it hit the spot. That burger tasted so good. I can't say I will ever get another one. I haven't had a craving for it since and it doesn't sound good now, but that day. My first day not on the low microbial diet, that Sourdough Jack was amazing!

Since being off the special diet, I haven't gone too crazy. Honestly, I've had that burger and then one of my old friends was in town for work and she came by. We ended up getting pizza. Just like the Sourdough Jack, it hit the spot. But, unlike the burger, I wasn't craving pizza. But it still hit the spot. Also, unlike the burger, I will definitely have pizza again. We ended up with Round Table Pizza. Since they deliver. We got a pizza I hadn't had before. The Italian Garlic something or other. It was really good. Probably one of the best pizzas I have had.

Dinner tonight...makeshift chicken parmesan

Now, I know that I can go back to eating anything again and eating out, but there are a few things I'd rather not eat yet. Just to make sure. Lettuce and tomato are two things. Mainly because there is a fear they may carry listeria. Of course, we can wash them here at home, but out at a restaurant or fast food place, you can't guarantee that the people who prepare your food are going to clean it the way I need it to be cleaned. That's a mother reason I'm not going crazy and eating out everywhere I can right now.

Not only is eating out a shock to my system after over a month of not eating out, but my taste buds have changed a little. They will come back, but we were told to give it at least another month until that does happen. So, no eating at my favorite places. Also, my stomach isn't what it used to be. I can't eat as much as I used to. One example is mac and cheese. I can make a box and usually eat almost half of it. I know, crazy. Now, I am lucky if I have 1/4 of it. If that. It's nice though, because I learn better portion control. But, I definitely haven't deprived myself of the sweet stuff. Mainly cookies and candies. Hard candies like Jolly Ranchers and other candies like M&M's mainly. Oh! Twix too! Love me my Twix!

Using B's high chair as a table, otherwise his hands get in my food

Hopefully by the beginning of August I will feel up to going out for a nice dinner. Eric and I usually go to Buca di Bepo for our anniversary/my birthday. It's all going to depend on my appetite and taste buds at that point. Like everything else since the beginning of the transplant process, it may have to wait and be celebrated later. I want my taste buds to be back to normal for that restaurant. I would have to say, it's probably my favorite Italian restaurant. There are others that are a close second though.

Until the next post, I leave you with a picture of the delicious cookie Eric brought home from work. You have got to love these CostCo chocolate chip cookies!!!

CostCo chocolate chip cookie...yum!!

Going Back To Work...Soon

I honestly didn't think it would be that hard. After 11 1/2 months off, I figured I'd be fine with going back to work. Now, I think all the time I've been off is making it harder. And especially since Brandon is developing so much more now. I know I'm not going back tomorrow, but I will be going back really soon. I just found out today that my catastrophic leave is used up. Basically, per the contract, I'm only allowed 6 months of it. And, well, I've exhausted that. Of course, I found this out from old co-workers. Not anybody above me or personnel. So, I have to go back to work in order to get paid.

9 month photo shoot

All of that means, I need to get some paperwork taken care of ASAP so I can be found a different job. Because I can not go back to the park our dispatch center is at. If I did, I wouldn't be able to dispatch anyway. I can not be around all the dust and dirt from the off road tracks and everything out there. Not to mention, we will need to figure out child care. Of course, there will be days we won't need it because Eric will be home or we will only need 2 or 3 hours because Eric will work later than I will and I will be off soon after he starts. We have our friend Julie who has offered, but the only problem there is the days Eric drops him off. He will have to leave a few hours before going to work to drop him off then head in to work. All of this will be so different for us. Especially Brandon. He's great with other people, but he's only used to his house and family's house. Well, except for one friends house...or should I say, farm. He loved it there.

Dinner time

Just thinking of leaving Brandon all day is making me sad. Every time I think about it, I get tears in my eyes. I know it'll be good for him. I know he's ready, it's just really hard. When your whole life, other than cancer treatment, has been your child. He has been the happy in my bad days. He's been there to always put a smile on my face throughout the day. I love snuggling him for his naps. He's definitely my little buddy. My little man. He is my fun, fearless, crazy, happy boy. I don't want to miss a moment of his life. But, I know I will have to.

Standing on his chair

How do you do it? How do all you working moms go back to work after having your baby? I'm finding it's going to be really hard. And mine is 9 months old now. Most women go back to work when their baby is anywhere from 6 weeks to 3 months old. That's got to be really hard too. But, I guess I need to get used to the idea. Gotta pay the bills.

Day +29

It's been a little while since I've written. Nothing new has happened with my battle/fight/kicking butt since then either. I had a doctors appointment with my Kaiser oncologist, Dr. H, last Friday. It wasn't much new. Mainly so he could see me again and have a check up on his side since everything has been at Stanford since the beginning of May. He congratulated us on the "no sign of cancer in my body" notification and we talked a little about what we will be doing in the coming months. He wasn't sure exactly when at the time, but he said I would be back on Zometa. Zometa is the IV medication which helps my bones. Since, the transplant doesn't fix/repair the compression fractures I have in my lumbar and T12 region. This morning, I got the call that he wants to start me on that (it's only once a month usually) after the 14th of July. So, July 20th will be my 1st Zometa IV since the end of April.

Other than that, nothing new is going on health wise. Today is day +29. It's been 29 days since my transplant. And I feel amazing each day. Sometimes I get sick still. I think it's from the chemo. But not too much. It comes on fast and is gone fast. It doesn't take me away from my day or Brandon really. Which, he's got me on my toes. He is constantly moving it seems. Crawling all over the place. I feel bad for Azul because Brandon loves to get into his crate. So, I have to keep it closed. Usually, when Azul is needing some "alone time" he will go in there and lay down for a while. Unfortunately, a lot of the times it's closed. I try to remember to open it up again once Brandon is going to nap. Since he naps in my arms. And for at least 90 minutes now...when he does nap. He spends probably half the time of his nap fighting it. Finally giving in and taking a 90 minute nap.

Something I've been thinking of a lot lately is being able to decorate the house. Well, redecorating it. I want to paint the downstairs. The living and dining rooms. I want to get the crate console table put together and brought inside to use. I want to make a new baby gate out of the pallets we have in the garage. Of course, a lot of baby proofing of this place needs to be done too. We want to get rid of excess "junk" laying around. Selling it and then there is also the stuff to just throw away. So much I'd like to do, but really, no time at all. Or at least no time and energy right now. Energy is the main thing. Mine is still building itself back up. And, Brandon usually takes most of what I do have since he is a crawling fool. Not to mention, he's on the verge of walking too. Just today he started to stand by himself. Not holding on to anything. With that, I will probably be minus in energy to do anything around the house.

Soon enough I will be going back to work. Which, I need to talk to my doctor about. I need to know how much more catastrophic leave I will need. I have mixed emotions though about going back to work. I have spent basically 9 months now tomorrow, home with my little man, and I love it. If only there was a way to make, easily, the money I make working while staying home with him. I know Eric and I have talked about me becoming a writer. Publishing books, etc. But, that could take a while. So much to do and think about. I know we will be spending most of our paychecks on child care when that time comes also. Which, isn't going to be fun. I think I need to actually play the lottery and win! Isn't that what we all say?

Well, I'm just rambling now. Little man is standing next to me as I type this. Standing, as in not holding on to anything. And now he's sitting. Just like that. Not long before he's walking. I should go. No more rambling and small talk. I just wanted to give a quick update since it's been a while since I wrote.